Happy Birthday... Dick...

I see about 200 to 400 different i.d.'s a night. I look at the face, weight, height, expiration date, and the birth date. If it's not the 21st year (the year you have to be born in to be 21) I don't really look at the day.

For example: This is the year 2007, in order to be 21 years of age you had to have been born in the year 1986 on todays date. If you were born on Dec 12, 1986 then your still 20 years old and I'm not letting you in until Dec 12 comes around.

So does it really matter to me that it's your birthday? No. Honestly, I don't care. It doesn't matter to me at all whether it's your birthday or not. The only thing that matters to me is that your old enough to be in the establishment.

On an average night there's three or four people celebrating their birthdays. Half of them can make it in the place the other half are already too wasted to come in. I have no problems stopping a wasted person from coming into the establishment when they can barely stand up. Birthday or not.

It amazes me that people actually think that a doorman doesn't look at your birth date just because he doesn't make a big deal about it being your birthday. Who are you again? Oh that's right, your just a guy that walked in with a very few friends. Your not a regular and your not anyone really important. Your a customer just like the other 100 people that walked in earlier. The year is what's important not the day. The only time the date is important is when it's your 21st birthday. You should be used to that already.

I guess if your night has been going really well then you might smile and ask if I noticed the day. Then I'll look and say happy birthday. If your having a bad night you might complain to your friends that the doorguy didn't even notice.

Either way I don't know you so I probably don't care.

Shift Pick Ups...

Lately I've been picking up a few more shifts at a couple places. I've been pretty bored so I figure the best thing to do is just work. Even if it's doing the same thing over and over day and night. After all, how else am I going to afford that 74" flat panel high definition television?

Wait... Do they even make them that big?

One of the biggest differences I've noticed from working nights that I don't usually work are the people. It's a different crowd of people that show up on my off nights then the nights that I do work. It's a lot of people asking where Matt is and giving me the "Matt doesn't card me" spiel. Which, after you hear it a hundred times, gets really annoying and people get the "Show your i.d. or leave" answer. Which in a sense is good because now next week, when Matt gets back, he'll hear about how much of an asshole I am and how great he is from his regulars.

"Matt never cards me." The girl sets her purse down on my chair and starts to dig through it looking for her i.d.

"Sorry, need to see it because I don't know you."

She stops looking through her purse and looks up at me, "I don't think I have it with me."

"Come back when you have it."

"That's ridiculous, Matt knows me and always lets me in without carding me."

"No i.d., no entry. Bye."

It's great working different nights sometimes as well. The nights are slower and there's a lot less hassles. There are times that I wish I worked those nights but I know I'd get really bored really quick. A bored Mike is a Mike that looks for something else to do. So I guess it's probably in my best interest to not work the slower nights. Occasionally is fine with me.

The slower nights means I basically just sit on a stool inside the door and read the captions to what ever is on the t.v. Sometimes I catch up on some reading and if it's really slow there's the chance of playing scrabble or chess. It's rarely that slow though.

Unassertive Encroaching...

No matter what you will always run into a person that is unassertively encroaching (aka: passive aggressive) They don't like to speak up about things that bother them. They'll sit back and hold in all their little complaints until they're a powder keg and then let it all out at once. This is not healthy in any means. Is it really worth it to let all that stuff build up inside you?

"Man, I just can't believe the type of stuff that goes on here."

"Well, you know who to talk to if somethings going on and it shouldn't be."

"Yea, but it's not my place to say anything."

"If it's bothering you then your the only one that can say anything."

"I just don't want to cause any waves."

They push things back and keep it in because they're scared to hurt feelings. I think the hurt feeling is there so that it can be used. Just like the other feelings like happy, sad, pain, ecstasy, and all the other dwarfs.

"Listen, if you don't put it out there then no one's going to know. So do something about it and don't just sit here and wallow in yourself..."

People that aren't able to get their feelings out tend to turn them inside. They get upset with themselves and with the events that are going on. They put themselves in a type of depression that is only lifted after they've burst.

"...If you don't let it out your just gonna make yourself miserable."

"Nah... I'll be fine."

"No you won't. You'll be bitchy until you get it out and then you'll just blow up."

"Yea, but things change then."

"Only for the next week because no one wants to talk to you. Then it starts all over again."

"It does seem that way..."

"That's because it is that way. So start telling people what you think at the time and quit worrying about hurting feelings. That's what they're there for."

Now here's the one thing I find interesting about passive aggressive people. They bitch and moan about something not being done and then when a solution for it is found they only do the solution for a short period of time. After that they quit doing it and the problem resurfaces all over again.

It really is a vicious circle that they can break out of but choose not too. Why not? They like the attention. They like knowing that people are talking about them even if it is in a bad way. That way they can feel sorry for themselves even more. If they're lucky they'll get some sap that will stick around and feel sorry for them too.

Then the question is, "Who's worse?" The passive aggressive or the idiot that sits around and puts up with their bullshit and praises them to make them feel better.

Invisible...

Being a doorman at a popular establishment is strange. While your at work everyone wants to know you and they see you clearly. When your not at work your pretty much invisible to everyone. Which is actually pretty nice. Lots of people have two different types of memory functions. The sober memory that remembers to take the dog to the vet and the Drunk memory that remembers what the doorman's name is and what he looks like. So most people have their sober memory working during the day and I stay invisible to them if they actually see me.

Sometimes I'm even invisible to some people when I'm right in front of their faces.

"What do you mean Mike's not here?" The woman speaking to me wasn't all that ugly. Her body had a great form with all the curves in the right places. "He better be here, or he ain't gettin any tonight!"

This just made me think, Who the hell is this chic?? I figured she was just trying to make a spectacle so that I would feel uneasy and let her in. "Listen, do you even know who Mike is?"

"I should. He's my baby's daddy." Now it really became interesting.

"Well, could you describe him to me? I haven't met him yet but I hear he's a real big shot around here."

"I don't have to describe anyone to you. If you don't let me in now you won't have a job tomorrow."

At this point the other people in line are all looking and I can hear some of them mumbling about. This woman was just getting louder with everything she said. Then she started to walk up to the door.

"Listen honey..."

"Don't you even honey me.."

"Listen, if your not with this Mike person that supposedly works here I can't let you in. Your gonna have to wait."

"Oh.. that's it. You ain't gonna have a job tomorrow!"

Just then, as if on cue, Megan walked up with a couple of her friends. "Hey Mike, I just have a couple friends. Think we can squeeze in?"

"Of course hun."

I turned to the loud mouthed woman and smiled. She stood there looking at me with her mouth wide open. "Miss, you never asked me what my name is. I don't know you so either wait in line or leave."

"That's just bullshit! You let me go on like that in front of all these people!?" she said as she spun around and started walking away. The crowd of people started laughing and she started telling them all to shut the hell up as she walked away.

It's funny how people never notice you until they want something from you. There are some people that know how to work this game and there are those that don't. Name dropping rarely ever works. The one time that it does guaranteed is when your a friend of an employee and that employee actually says something to the door staff about you showing up. Most other ways don't work at all.

Still the best way to slip into a place that has a line is hard cash. Just don't be cheap about it. If you want to act like a big man then pull out the big dollars, especially if you have people with you.

I still go out in the neighborhood occasionally and I take notice of the people that I meet at other establishments. If I see you enough then I help you out. I don't even expect you to do it for me, I could care less. I'm not about to shell out money to get into a place but I'll get into that at a different time.

I find it weird but comfortable that people don't recognize me while I'm out. It's kind of nice knowing that people don't notice me when I'm not at work. I've sat and had drinks with people I've thrown out before and listened to how they thought that "bouncer" was an asshole. Then I go on about how the guy is just doing his job and they agree. Sooner or later it comes out that I'm that asshole and everything is fine. They come back to the establishment and they're more aware of how I do things.

Now I just need to figure out how to work this invisible feat for personal gain.

So your tough huh?...

Over the weekend a friend of the establishment came in. She's in her late 20's and she's a very good sight to see. She's always smiling and she just seems to put people in a good mood. This night she walked up with her head slightly lowered and she wasn't as cheerful as she usually is. She just put her hand up as if to wave and said hello as she walked in.

I stepped in behind her and tapped her on the shoulder. She spun around quick and her eyes were wide open as if she was scared. "Hun, what's wrong?"

She put her hand up to the right side of her temple and looked down again. "Nothing, nothings wrong."

I reached up and slowly pulled her hand away from her face and looked at it. Her eye was swollen and there was a bandage on her temple. I bent over and gave her a hug and asked in her ear, "Who did this?"

She started to breath deep and I waved Casper over to watch the door. "I don't know, it just happened all at once. It was so quick," and she started to cry.

"When did it happen?"

"A few days ago, I didn't want you to know. Your always telling me not to walk alone."

"Did you get a look at him?"

"Yea, but he didn't get caught."

"You tell me if you see him. I'll return the favor to him."


One thing that really gets to me about women that leave the establishment by themselves is the fact that they leave by themselves. They leave alone and think they're perfectly safe to walk the 5 or 10 blocks to their home.

Really? You really think your so tough that no one is going to mess with you? Just like any other night club the place that I work at is surrounded by bums, gangbangers, and people that are desperate to get their fix. They'll do what ever they need to do to get the fix that they need whether it's heroin or rent money.

Here's the deal. If you go to a late night place with friends then leave with your friends. If your friends aren't ready to leave then take a cab home or to your car. The last thing I need is to find out you left my establishment and got mugged or raped. If you want me to get you a cab then ask me to and I will. That's a part of the game for me, I'm here to help as well as keep order.

And for all the ladies out there that say they can handle themselves. Prove it. I don't doubt that there are women out there that can, I know there are. I'm just saying to all the women out there that have the typical 9 to 5 and think life is grand. Life can change in the matter of a minute.

If you really think you can handle yourself then imagine what it might be like if a 6'3" 310lb man ran up behind you and grabbed you. Do you really think you could get away from him? Don't bother yelling rape because how many people in a big city is going to run out to help you? Not many. Your better off yelling fire or a celebrities name to get people's attention.

The man doesn't even have to be that big. He could be 5'9" and 180lbs. If he pulls a knife or a gun what are you going to do?

I only say to travel in a group because it's less likely that you will get attacked in that fashion. Typically a person isn't going to attack a group of people. Once in a great while you might get a junkie that will need his fix but with 2 or more people you should be able to fend him off.

I know your probably sitting there thinking this scenario through and what you might do but you never know what you will do until that time comes. You can practice all you want but you won't know if you'll use that until it actually happens. Fear is a bad and good thing. It can fuel your power or take it away in a second.

I try to keep up to date on occurrences in the area. The cops stop by every once in a while and let me know if they're looking for anyone and anything that has happened lately. They know that I'll do my best to warn people and try to keep them out of trouble. Whether they listen or not is up to them. I've even gone the extra step to actually hold someone to see if they can get away. It's changed a few minds about walking alone.

Besides, when you hear a story about someone getting raped after they left a certain place; would you want to go there?

Nights off...

Having nights off is a good thing. Not knowing what to do with yourself isn't so much fun. There's a limited amount of things you can do when your used to a certain schedule. When you work in the nightlife industry for a long time and it's your only form of employment (besides odd jobs here and there) you tend to stick to a reverse schedule.

A reverse schedule is just that; you sleep during the day and you get up in the afternoon. Also known as a Vampire's schedule. When you do it long enough you can tell if the person next to you at the grocery store does it as well. You become pale because you rarely see the sun and you get annoyed with people a lot easier. Then again, sometimes it's hard to tell. There are a lot of cokeheads that are in the bar industry that can stay up for days on end and they're the ones with the tans and the happy disposition.

I remember when I first started working in the club scene and there was a "company picnic". Which just meant all the employees got together at the local park and we played softball, cooked out and everyone drank and sat around. I sat there and looked around wondering how all these people could actually get out there and run around. Not only that, they seemed like they were happy to be out there doing it at 10am after half of us had just locked the doors to the establishment at 5am. I stayed up to make it and stayed there just long enough to make my appearance and leave. I ate a couple hot dogs, said my hello's and then I was out of there.

On my way back to my car I saw Kate, Casper and a couple others sitting on a tailgate. I walked over and said my hello's. As I got closer I saw Kate put something down between her and Casper pretty quick. We talked a little while and that's when Stewart walked up and said hello. Then he reached down between the two and Kate grabbed his arm and looked towards me. Stewart looked over at me and asked, "Hey Mike, you don't mind do ya?" Then Stewart pulled up a little brown container and started unscrewing the little cap to it.

I looked at the container and realized what it was. It was a little brown vial used commonly for cocaine. I just stood there looking at the group and said, "Nah man, do what you gotta do." I then turned and walked away.

Then it started making sense how half these people who hadn't slept were able to keep going. It never really made sense to me before. I've been asked a hundred times since then if I "party" and the answer has always been the same. "No." I don't party and I don't see the reason for it. I've seen plenty of good people torn apart because of it though.

So now I'm in the habit that when someone does come up and ask me if I party at work, I throw them out. If they come up with some retarded reasoning behind what they say then I just tell them that I don't like their shoes or something just as retarded for my reason for throwing them out.

Granted, I know a few doorguys that actually sell drugs. They do it because it's a very easy way to make extra cash while at work. Typically they get fired when the management finds out but it also depends on if the management is one of their customers.

So now that I've rattled off on a tangent...

Nights off are pretty boring since my schedule is the opposite. Sometimes I just jump in my car and drive, sometimes I just sit at home and do what ever needs to be done here.

In a few weeks I think a lot will be changing for me personally. Maybe I'll be getting some of that sun I've been missing out on for the past how ever many years. Cut my schedule down at the establishment and get one of those jobs that has insurance and such perks that I've missed out on.

Should be an interesting change.

Excuses...

Standing outside of the bar during the busy part of the night you get to hear a lot of excuses. They're usually all excuses as to why they should be let into the establishment before the other 40 to 50 people that are waiting in line to get in. Here's just a few of them.

"I'm really good friends with the bartender." - Really? Maybe you should know their name or call them to come let you in.

"The bar manager is expecting me so we can talk about pricing." - Really? You should probably do that during non-business hours. Oh, and what's the manager's name?

"I'm a really cute girl and I only have 3 guy friends with me." - If your cute enough, I'll let you in. Your 3 guy friends can go wait in line.

"Do you do anything for 'industry'?" - I do help out industry people. It does depend on where you work and if I've heard of it. If I haven't heard of it then there's not much I can do. If other employees talk about it I'll try to help you out.

A group of 5 guys. - Unless you got at least $60 or more to grease the wheels, I'm not doing anything for you.

A group of ladies. - I'll try to get you in. Everything moves faster with a little grease.

A group of attractive, scantily clad ladies. - You'll be in within minutes.

"I used to work here and just want to check it out." - Look through the window as you wait in line. If I've never worked with you, you've never worked here.

"You know me man, I'm here all the time." - Doesn't matter how often your here if your not a friend of the establishment. There are still people waiting.

One of the best lines I've heard so far is the most obvious one to date.

A little waif of a girl came walking up to me during the busiest part of the night. With her big doe eyes she looked up at me and leaned into me. "Hi, is Mike here?"

"I'm sorry hun. I haven't seen Mike all night. Can I help you?"

"Well... Mike told me that if it was busy to just come up to him and he would get me right in. So I just wanted to see him."

"Well, I haven't seen him all night. Sorry, but your gonna have to wait a little while."

"It's ok." Then she went to the end of the line and waited. After 20 minutes she made it to the front of the line and I asked her for her i.d. After I looked at her i.d. and gave it back to her, she asked "What's your name?"

"My name's Mike, hun."

She dropped her head and walked into the establishment.

The Start...

On a slow night I was standing out front and this guy who was somewhere in his early 20's asked me a simple question. "Why'd you start doing this for a job?"

He's a young guy and he's about to start working at a different place in the neighborhood. He's stocky and he seems to have a good head on his shoulders. Although in my personal opinion, he's still way too "green" to be working as a serious doorman. I'd probably hire him as a floater but I'd never hire him to work the front door. He just seems to be the type of person to let a lot of things slip by him for a pretty face.

So I stood there for a moment and thought about his question. Why did I start doing this type of work? Then it hit me as simple as the day is long. I hated the world.

Pretty simple. I literally hated every person I met until they proved otherwise. I had recently went through some major life changes and it was the easiest way for me to deal with reality. I drank a lot and I had moved to some place that no one knew who I was and I didn't care about anyone.

I wanted a job that could give me the ability to be somewhat free and do what I wanted. I wanted to be able to let out the aggressions that I had and not have to regret the outcome. The work did just that. It was the perfect cover for the aggression that I had pent up. What other type of job is there where you get paid to protect and man handle people without a proper education or license?

So it all started almost 10 years ago in a little strip club in the middle of nowhere. Well, the work started then not the aggression. The aggression started about 6 years ago but the cause of the aggression began before that.

I will say that aggression is a good thing to have when your in this type of business. If you don't have that little mean streak in you then you won't stick with it for very long. You'll probably end up like all the other jocks from college that just do the work because it's quick and easy money while your in college.

So I looked at the guy and said it plainly, "I hated everyone. I started doing this because I didn't care about anyone and I wanted people to know that. You do it long enough and you'll be in the same place."

He just stood there and looked at me. He was trying to think of something to say but it just wasn't coming to him. "Really?"

"Yep. Depending on how serious you take the job, in a few years you'll want to become a cop or you'll just keep doing it so you can still be the dick that saves the day."

People change with time. I see myself changing but I'm still not sure which way that's going. I got my first security job over 10 years ago in a bar that had live music. Then I moved on to the strip club a few years after that and became a bouncer. A few years after that I hated the world and became a very angry person within limits.

Those limits were the rules that are common with all doorstaff at every place I've ever worked. You remove people however you have to without hurting them unless they try to hurt you first. Calm, steady and resolute.

At times I tried to find reasons for people to want to hurt me. I didn't care. I just did my job and if it meant that someone got tossed on the ground then they got tossed to the ground. Words tend to effect drunk people more than you'd think. Sometimes they effect them more than actions. Yet, if you put together the right words and actions then it was guaranteed to be a spectacle. Spectacles earn notice and notice earns praise and respect from the right people. Praise and respect brought on more things that were of interest to me.

One thing that I forgot during all this that I had learned a long time ago was this. Never do something so good that you can't be moved away from it. When you do a job to the point that you can't be moved into a different position then you have one way out.

You quit.

Pointers...

Well, I've decided to bring out the Don't List once again. This time it's in a separate post and I'm going to try and update it when a new annoyance rears it's head.

No matter what you do in life there are always things that are common sense to you because that's what you do day in and day out. To everyone that doesn't do these things on a common basis it's not common knowledge. So the Don't List is just a list of things that are common sense to bar industry people. Most people that have never had a job in these industries don't have a clue about them.

Some people would say that if it was mandatory for everyone to have a waiter or bartender job at some time in their life they would be much more polite and courteous. Others would say that it's just common sense to be that way. Either way, it's just a list. Take it how you want but remember the things you do when you go out and remember how you get treated for your actions.

The Don't List Re-Visited...

When your waiting outside to be let in the establishment.

• Don't count the number of people that leave in a loud voice.
• Don't tell me how many people have skipped you in line. (There's usually a reason. They're VIP's or they have a great handshake.)
• Don't argue with the doorstaff. (We decide if your even going to walk in the door.)
• Don't pick fights with people walking by, standing in line, or fake fight.
• Don't make empty offerings.
• Don't try staring down the door staff.
• Don't stumble, lean on someone, trip, or act drunk in any way.
• If your told or asked to have a good night. Leave.
• Don't bother the doorstaff.
  
• Don't ask questions such as: "How do I get your job." "How'd you get this job." "Do you like to/wanna fight."
• Don't 'hang out' at the door if you don't know the doorstaff personally.
• Don't assume the doorstaff like you or that your good friends. Unless you are.
  
• Don't try to 'pull one over'.
• Don't "forget" your I.D. It doesn't matter if you look like your 150 years old. It's the law and the doorstaff is just doing their job.
  

When inside the bar.

• Don't be extremely loud yelling countdowns or "chug, chug, chug". (Unless your in a sports bar. But I'm sure that annoys people there too.)
• Don't grab anyone's person, especially the waitstaff or women in general.
• Don't vomit on the floor, trash can, on people, walls, etc.. If you need to vomit, you need to go home.
• Only argue about your tab if your sober and you know you didn't order those eight Jaeger Bombs for you and your frat brothers.
  
• Don't give the ever expanding drink order. Know all the drinks you want, the first time you order.
• Don't whistle to get the bartender's attention or yell anything. Such as: "Hey buddy", "Yo bartender" etc. (More than likely they heard you the first time and they're ignoring you.)
• Don't do anything to annoy the lady folk. If the doorstaff gets enough complaints or the right one and you'll be asked to leave.
• Don't use your preferred drug inside.
• Don't tell the bartender to "make it strong". Chances will be that you just got a really weak drink.
• Don't leave change as a tip. More than likely any drink you get will cost you at least $3. Leave at least a $1 tip. Even more if you want the bartenders to remember you and get to you faster.
• Don't assume that the doorstaff, waitstaff or bartenders know you. To Assume just makes an ASS out of U and ME.

Open Containers....

In my experience there's only two places that you can walk out of an establishment with an open container, Vegas and New Orleans. By open container I mean an open bottle of alcohol or a cup or glass. I'm sure there are probably other places but those are the two that I know of. Most other places don't allow you to take an open container out onto the streets with you. Many people don't seem to know this.

"Hey, the cups gotta stay inside."

"It's just water."

"Still has to stay inside, it's an open container."

"But it's just water."

"The cup has to stay inside. Not my rule, it's the city's." At this point they either take the cup back inside or I take the cup away.

Easy enough, right? Sometimes it's an argument but most of the time it's not. People don't understand that even though it looks like water it could be something else, like vodka and soda or something like that. People also don't understand the ramifications if they actually got stopped on the street for it. If they say where it came from then it could be bad news for the establishment. Fines are something we tend to try and steer clear from.

People also try to hide their drinks as they leave also. I've seen people slip their beers into their coat sleeves, put them in their back pant pockets, in purses, and their jacket pockets.

I even saw one guy put his rocks glass under his hat. The hat sat up high on his head and he was walking like he was stiff as a board. As he got closer to the door I put my hand up. "Hold on man, your hat's crooked." So I reached up and started to adjust the hat and he moved. The drink tipped over and he was covered in what ever he was drinking. I just started laughing and took the glass out from under his hat, put the hat back on his head and let him out.

If I spot someone outside of the establishment with a drink hidden I take it away. I walk up say "Excuse me" and reach in and pull out the drink. Then I turn it upside down right where I got. If the person is quick enough they don't get the booze all over them. If they're not then they get wet and smell like booze. I figure they won't mind if they get soaked. After all, they were trying to take it with them anyways and now they can, just not in the same way they were hoping to.

Not all places have a package license meaning that they can sell alcohol that you can carry out. Many of the places I've worked haven't had these licenses. So if they don't have the license you can't carry anything outside of it.

That's just how it is.

Frankie the Chic II...

So on the rare occasion that I actual get to sit at home and enjoy a night of absolutely nothing, the phone rings.

"Hey Mike, Frankie here."

"Oh hey man, how's it going?"

"Pretty good man. How's things?"

"Good. I'm guessing you got my contract?"

"Yea.... I got it and gave it to my manager."

"He didn't go for it huh?"

"Yea... not so much. He said that he thought your price was a little high so I thought I'd give you a call and see what we could do."

"I tell ya what Frankie. Tell your manager to come up with what he wants me to do and what he wants to pay me and I'll come up with a counter offer. That's the best I can do. I'm already cheaper than any professional guys he could hire."

"Well yea, he said that but he said the label just wouldn't go for that type of expense."

"Well, send me his offer and we go from there. Easy enough."

"Ok man, I'll talk to him and see."

"Alright Frankie. I'll talk to you soon."

As much as I would like to go out on the road with a band I'm not doing it out of faith. I'm doing it so I can go out on the road and make money, just like everyone else that does the type of job they do. As much as I'd like to go out and do what ever I want to do without consequence, I can't. I have bills to worry about just like everyone else.

There are advantages to knowing guys who actually go out on tours and do this type of work. I know what they charge and what duties they have. I know when I'm low balling my fees and in turn I know when the label wants to think I'm a novice. This also gives me a good idea whether the label thinks the band is actually worth sinking the money into them.

All in all. It doesn't really matter to me if I get the job or not. It'd be nice to get away and go on the road. I'd end up with a lot more stories to tell and it'd probably be a really good time. I'm not going to lose money or sleep over it though.

I just didn't have the heart to tell Frankie that his label isn't going to pay for a "bodyguard" no matter how cheap I became. So I'll wait til the offer comes and refuse it. Then he'll forget about it and everything runs smooth. No need to put reality in his face when he's riding his 15 minutes of fame.

Empty Promise....

"Hey man, I got four people with me and we'd like to come in."

"That's fine, you just have to wait in line and you'll be in as soon as you make it up here."

"Yea, that's cool. So we can be next in right?"

"I doubt it. There's about forty people in front of you."

"Yea, yea, what if I threw you some cash?"

"That's completely up to you."

The guy stood there in his vertical striped button up shirt, spiked hair, sandals and worn jeans. Then he looked back at his group of people, grinned a little and waved at them. The group started walking up and he pulled the door open. I put my hand on the door and pushed it closed.

"Did you not hear me? There's a line over there for you and your group to stand in."

"Yea, don't worry about it man. I'll take care of you."

"Really? Cause it's my job to worry about it. So go wait."

"Hey man, I'm gonna throw you a twenty don't worry about it. I just gotta hit the atm first."

"I tell ya what. Since you've proven what a great guy you are. You can add a zero onto the end of that twenty and then we'll have a deal. Just put the money in my hand first."

"What?! $200?? You gotta be kidding."

"Listen. You think your King Shit parading these people around so now you can either act like King Shit or you can walk away with your leg between your legs in front of your friends and all these other people. It's up to you."

He turns to his friends, "Man, fuck this place. Let's get out of here."

The best thing about douche bags like that. When they leave and complain about the doorman not letting them in; it makes the people waiting in line feel even better. Feel free to complain that I wouldn't let you and your overpriced dates in. That your frat buddies won't be coming back any time soon. That's almost like adding a bonus on to the bar and making people want to come back.

Then again... If he had $200 I would have let him in.

It's only common sense to me...

I mean if you want to act like a big shot then you better be able to be a big shot.

Milquetoast Windbag Esq....

There are a lot of people out there that talk a lot. They say general things that are on everyone's minds and then talk it up like they're the first to think it and honestly feel a lot about it. Take Casper for example. He'll jump into the middle of a conversation and run with it. His opinions reflect that of the general populace so he's usually never wrong because he agrees with everyone.

"Man, fuck Osama! We should just go over there and blow up everyone until they hand him over!"

"You really think that'll work Casper?"

"Yea, why not? I'm sure after a thousand or so people they'll hand him over."

"Really? Even though they've been strapping bombs to their chests and blowing themselves up?"

"Sure."

"So your saying that if we start killing them at random it won't make them more angry and want to kill us even more? Not to mention the fact that they don't care about us at all or themselves."

"Sooner or later they'll see that we mean business. Who cares if we kill a few women and children in the process? Think about all the people they killed on 9/11."

"So that makes us better than them how?"

"Well, it doesn't make us any better than them but we'd find Osama a lot faster. Then we wouldn't have to worry about him being out there and planning another attack."

"You don't think we wouldn't piss off anyone else enough to want to do the same thing after we kill off their family?"

"Man, no one else would be stupid enough to attack us after we do something like that."

"Your genius just puts me in awe sometimes Casper. How do you even survive living in such an inadequate situation as you do?"

"Yea, I know, people been telling me for years that I'm pretty damn smart. But these people need to pay."

Even though we disagree on the topic, you'd be surprised how many people agree with Casper.

The world is full of idiots.

9/11...

It's strange to think that 6 years have gone by since the tragic incident that occurred. What's even more strange is that we still haven't caught Osama Bin Laden. Even with all the fancy equipment the government has he can't be found.

I wonder if I spent enough time on Google Earth if I would be able to find him?

I really don't have much to say on the topic of 9/11. I remember where I was and what I was doing. I remember the plan to head home if something happened nearby and I remember the people I was to take with me. Most of them have exited since I no longer live near where I did then.

I did find this video for you all to check out. It's pretty long, I think it's almost 2 hours but it's a decent one to watch. It might even make you think a little.

I can't put the video up here but you should definitely go to the site and check it out. Click on the link below and take a little time to watch it.

http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/

Frankie the Chic?...

When you work in a bar long enough you tend to meet just about every person that comes in on a regular basis. In some way you know each person that comes in. Usually they're just clones of the people that came in 5 minutes before. Every one fits in their own little niche.

Then there's the person that comes up and starts talking to you and asking questions. Then asks questions that are a little more personal than you like. Then you realize, you know this person but you thought this person was a guy.

"Wait.. wait.. hold on, Frankie?"

"Yea man, who'd you think?"

"Honestly man, I thought you were a chic."

Frankie's mouth dropped open, "What?!"

"Man, look at you. Your hairs all done up, your skinny as shit and what's up with all this make up crap on your face?"

"Well, the record went well. The label's PR guy said that if we did a few changes with ourselves that we'd get better exposure and more sales."

"Yea but come on..."

"Hey Mike, I'm still me just with a different cover. You always said don't judge a book..."

"by it's cover. Yea, yea, that was me, not so much me anymore. The job doesn't really offer much for that anymore."

"Yea I guess. You ever thought of getting out of this?"

"It's crossed my mind a couple times."

"Well, we're going to be going out on a big tour soon. Ever thought about being security for a band?"

"It's been offered a couple times but no one wants to pay me what it's worth."

"I bet we could."

"Well, check it out and let me know. I'll figure out what I need and email you the contract."

"Contract? We don't need a contract, we won't screw ya."

"Frankie, in this business there's always a contract."

Voice from inside the bar, "Francis!! Come on, I got your drink."

"Alright Mike, I gotta go. Let me know what's up and I'll get back to you about it."

"Will do."

Contracts are a great thing to have when it comes to personal security. You lay down your price and the responsibilities and then go from there. Offer - Counteroffer and so on.

When it comes to traveling and going on tour I don't trust anyone. I get a contract that way I don't get left behind somewhere. I'm gonna watch my ass first and then yours after you decide you want me to.

I'm definitely not putting on make up and doing my hair in a special way for you though.

Odd Laws...

So I'm really kind of bored right now and can't think of anything to write about. The weekend went by and nothing really happened. There were some more fake i.d.'s and some really drunk frat boys that I wouldn't let in. Even with all that it was just like a regular weekend except it was 3 days long for me instead of two.

So every once in a while I have some sites that I check out when I'm really bored and looking for new things to talk about. This is one that I find pretty funny because you can get a look back at how stupid some of the states were back in the day. Dumblaws.com is a great place to check out laws that are in your state and are ridiculous. They even have an international section for all the other areas of the world.

Here's some of them off of their site.

• Wisconsin - "While all cheese making requires a license, Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker's license."
• Wisconsin - "The state definition of rape stated that it was a man having sex with a woman he knows not to be his wife."
• Wisconsin - "As people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned."
• Wisconsin - "Livestock have the right-of-way on public roads."
• Wisconsin - "The government may not prohibit manual flushed urinals."
• Indiana - "If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Certain Immoral Practices."
• Indiana - "It is illegal for a man to be sexually aroused in public."
• Indiana - "Oral sex is illegal."
• Indiana - "A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17."
• Indiana - "Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session."
• Illinois - "The English language is not to be spoken."
• Illinois - "You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile."
• Illinois - "You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person."
• Iowa - "A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public."
• Iowa - "Kisses may last for no more than five minutes."
• Iowa - "It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp."
• Iowa - "One-armed piano players must perform for free."

I thought some people might want to know these things. After all, one never knows when you might be traveling into a city with your automobile.

The really strange part is some of these are still in effect. I mean can you really take down a law after it's been put up? Just goes to show that the cops could bust you for just about anything if they really wanted. Just depends on how well they know their laws.

And any ladies in Texas should really take a look at this one.

• Texas - "Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos."

I'm just putting it out there so you know. I find it funny as well.

Perfect song for the weekend...

So in this little bit of down time I have today I was bouncing through Youtube and found this perfect song for the weekend.

Enjoy.

Be Safe.

Same place, different name?....

Well, the stomping grounds here look the same... everything reads the same... So what's the difference?

I finally decided to get a domain name for the blog. I know it's nothing very fancy but it will be a little easier for anyone to find if they're not at home.

So here it is... the mighty domain name that you can find me at.

www.diaryofadoorman.com

That's the whole kit an caboodle. I know it's not much to people who delve into this internet fancy world all the time but to me it's a lot. It's like nailing yourself to something and knowing your not getting away from it. Wait.. why'd I do this again??

This site can still be accessed the same way you do now. The name will just make it easier for people to find it through search engines and for them to remember.

On a different note.....

This coming weekend is Labor Day weekend which means there will be lots of drunkenness to be had. I might not update again until next Monday though. These holiday weekends are usually a lot of hours for me and by the time I get home I just want to pass out. So there's a small chance I'll update but more than likely you'll see an update some time late on Monday.

Be safe.

Moving on...

A little over a year and a half ago I was supposed to be moving on from where I am now. I had the means, the ability and a good friend that was going to help me out. (I shouldn't say was because I'm pretty sure the possibility is still there.) It would involve moving a few states away and I'd no longer be in the midwest. That wouldn't really bother me I don't think. I wouldn't have to deal with winter as much but I would miss the weather that used to be more familiar with October.

Of course, at the time the move was mostly focused on money. The amount that could be made where I was going and the amount that I was making at the time. Which I've found with most people my age is a big part of the decision when it comes to moving. If your moving and your going to make a lot more money then you can always come back to visit.

Like most of my family I haven't moved very far from home. I've never seen the need for it. I was brought up that you do what you want to and keep a steady income. The income part has been a slight teeter tooter over the years but it's finally at a point where I'm comfortable. That is, if I stay a single person without a family. It also depends on if I want insurance or a better car or to live on my own without a roommate. If I want any of that I'm going to have to either get a second job or a better job. At this point in the game I don't want a second job. I was also raised that if your primary job doesn't handle all your needs then it's time for a new one.

Now I've tried a few different ways to get revenue. Most of the things I've tried haven't paid off very well, none of which include anything illegal. I have too much of a guilty conscious to try selling drugs or anything like that. I think it's because I like my freedom too much and really don't want to experience the world behind a set of bars.

However, a few different ideas have popped into my head lately. I've even brought them up to Paulie thinking that it might be something worth while. They're mostly ideas pertaining to the bar but on a higher level. To each idea comes the same retort, "Just wait, there's something big coming up and your going to be involved in it."

Now, I've never really had a reason to not believe Paulie, but it's becoming a nuisance. I just don't like hearing shit like that. If there's some kind of plan in the works for me personally at a place of business then I want to know about it. I don't want someone to keep telling me to hurry up and wait. Either tell me what's going on or just drop the subject and ignore me. Then we'll see just how long I stick around.

So when I originally talked to Paulie about moving and finding someone to replace me he didn't like it. He didn't want me to leave because he had just came on as the new manager a few months before. So the company did what they did to keep me around.

As of late I've been thinking that it might be time for it all to happen again. After you work in a bar or club for long enough you begin to grow tired of it. Especially when your the only guy working and your extremely limited to the things you can do.

I've always compared my job to babysitting a room full of 5 year olds but I think even that might be a little more fun than a room full of 22 - 40 year olds that are drunk off their ass.. constantly. That's not just talking about the customers but some of the employees as well.

As per the norm, I'll keep you posted if anything ever comes of this. As of now this is just a thought that's been going through my head a lot lately.

Who knows... maybe the owners are going to open a new bar and make me a manager. Then I'd have to change this to Diary of a Bar Manager...


Nah.. That just doesn't have the same ring....

Bounce...

Bouncing around on youtube I ran across this trailer for a movie. If I had the luxury of Showtime I might watch it. I have a feeling I might have to buy it to see it.





You can check out their site here:

Behind the Velvet Rope

Innuendos...

Speaking in innuendos is a tricky and fun way to go about the night. There's always a way to say something without really saying it. I think I've touched on it before in a more general way in a previous post a while back. Innuendos are usually pretty subtle and only a handful of people tend to catch them they way they should. At work I tend to use innuendos a lot to talk to people I work with and the occasional person that comes to the door. It's an even more fun conversation with a girl that loves to talk the same way.

This little lady is a gamer and loves her new Nintendo Wii. As she's walking out she stops to talk a little bit. "Ok, I guess I'm gonna head home.."

"What's at home?"

"Well, I got that nice hard thing at home to put in my hand. You know, I have a Wii at home now."

"Really? I don't have a hard stick at home to play with."

"Oh, I'm sure there is one. It just needs a little prodding."

"No... I don't have a Wii at home... just an old Xbox. Even it needs some prodding to warm up."

"Well... maybe you should come over and play with mine."

"Honestly, if you have a hard stick that you want me to play with... I'll have to look at you in a whole new way." With that I get a laugh and a smack on the arm.

"Oh, you know you'd love it if I did," and with a wink she started walking away.

Conversations like that are far and between but they're great for the ego and soul. There aren't many people that will usually have a playful conversation like that because most take it too seriously.

Later that night I got a text that said, "My stick broke, can I play with yours?"

To which I replied with, "LOL"

Fake I.D. II : Expired...

There are several different reasons why you would want to renew your driver's license or your state i.d. card. The most important one is that you have to once it's expired. You go in, take the test if needed and renew it. That's why there are expiration dates on them. So you can keep up to date on your skills or if you've gotten new restrictions such as glasses or anything. The least important reason is so you can get into a liquor establishment.

Technically a doorman doesn't have to let you into their establishment if your i.d. is expired. It's completely different at each place. Some places pay attention to that and some places don't. It really depends on the doorman and how much he really cares about the place that he works at. If your i.d. is over a year expired I won't let you in. You've had over 12 months to get it renewed. Get it renewed.

Expired i.d.'s are a great way to help a younger brother or sister get into bars. A lot of doormen don't really look at the expiration date too closely. Most look at the birth date, the picture and feel the i.d. to see if it feels right and make sure that everything is in the right place.

Then there's always nights like this one. A couple comes up to the door and shows me their i.d.'s. They both look good and I let them come in. A few minutes later I see another small group of people walk up. I ask them all to form a line and I start to check their i.d.'s. In the middle of the line a young girl comes up and hands me her i.d.

"I was just here," she says as she hands me her i.d. I take the i.d. and I look at it close. The picture on the i.d. looks very familiar. I look at her and look at the picture again. Then I pop my head up and tell her I'll be right back and walk into the bar.

I walk half way into the bar and see another girl there that looks like the one on the i.d. I walk over and ask to see her i.d. again. "Is there a problem?" she asks.

"No, no problem. I just need to double check myself." She reaches into her purse and pulls out her i.d. "Yea, I was kinda thinking I was wrong but turns out I was right... I need you to leave." I take her drink from her hand and set it on the bar.

"Why do I have to leave?"

"Because this is the second i.d. with this face on it. Your friend is waiting for you outside."

We walk outside and when the girl sees her friend walk out she just turns and walks away. Then it's the typical five minute talk about whether she can get her i.d. back or not.

"Listen, you both showed up within ten minutes of each other and one of the i.d.'s is expired. Same face on both of them. You really think I'm that stupid?"

"Well, it works at the other bars."

"Well, it didn't work here. You had your fun, now it's over. Take your sister to McDonald's next time you wanna have fun."

She rolled her eyes and walked away.

She didn't think I was stupid but she knew that it had passed at other bars. So here's the deal, keep with the bars it works at. There's no need to try and go to other bars, be happy with what you have or just tell your sister to stay home. Your sister is the one that cost you your driver's license and your i.d. card.

Or better yet, just let your sister fend for herself.

Fake I.D. I...

"Look, I swear I'll never come here again."

"Oh, I know. Have a good night."

There's a lot of fake i.d.'s out in the world. If your job consists of checking i.d.'s then you've seen a lot of the obvious ones. Certain holograms give it away, certain dates, even certain types of pictures. When you see these your encouraged by the police and the state to take them away from the person. Actually, your encouraged to take away the fake one and to get their real one as well. That way the state can prosecute them, fine them or even give them public service work or jail time. This all depends on the person and the person on the fake i.d..

"What if I gave you $20?"

"Add another zero onto that honey and we'll have a deal."

"What!? $200!? I don't have that!"

"Then I'll just hold on to this. Have a good night."

It's very rare that I ever give back an i.d. It causes some drama from time to time but it also helps spread the word that underage kids shouldn't even try to come to the bar. A little stress for a bigger pay off is ok in my books.

What these kids don't understand is how big of a deal I take it to be. Once in a while some cops will walk through the bar. They'll check the place out and see how busy it is and they might card a person or two. If they happen to card someone that is underage then the establishment gets shut down for a long time and there's a hefty fine that has to be paid. During the time that the bar is shut down I'm out of a job. Which means my rent doesn't get paid and my bills become overdue. Not only that, this happens to everyone that works there as well.

Thirty people that work in a club don't want to be out of work for a month. So I tend to take it a little more seriously since I'm the one that cards people at the door and no one else does after they get inside.

"Listen, I'm here on vacation and they won't let me back on the plane if I don't have my i.d."

"So your telling me that your...." looking at the i.d., "28 years old and you don't have another thing in that huge purse with your name on it?"

She opens her purse and wallet and I see credit cards. "No, I don't have anything else. I didn't bring it cause I didn't want it to get stolen."

"Yea... sorry hun. What about those credit cards? They got your name on them?"

Then she starts crying, "Please, they won't let me back on the plane if I don't have my i.d."

"I tell ya what. Go back to where ever your staying, get your airline tickets, bring it here and then I'll give this back to you and you can go. Until you show me something, I'm keeping this."

I know, I'm a complete prick. I'm an asshole. Realize this though. If you were on vacation and your 28 years old wouldn't you have a check card, debit card, or credit card with you? Let's say this particular girl did. I would have given the i.d. back to her but I wouldn't have let her in the bar. She looked nothing like the picture on the i.d. and she wasn't even tall enough to match. If your close to 6 foot tall don't get a fake that says your 5'4". Common sense people.

So the girl walks to the end of the block and her friends go with her. Ten minutes later one of her friends comes back to me.

"Hey man, can I get my friends i.d. back if I give you $50? I swear she won't ever come back here. She just got it a few days ago."


Sometimes it just feels good to be proven right.

100 Posts...

Here it is... number 100... I have very few regular readers but the ones I have check in on a regular basis if not daily. To you I want to say Thank you. If you didn't come back so often I might have just given up on it and did it somewhere else.

As you might have noticed my posts are starting to become a little more regular as I've opened up the topic a little more with time. I've already passed the amount of blogs I did last year and I'm still half way to reaching what I did in the first 6 months.

The entries are becoming a little less powerful as they were in the beginning but such is life. With time everything becomes a little bland. That's why I started opening the blog up a little more with other topics. Not to worry, there are some past events that still need to be posted and I'm sure new things will pop up as they always do. New endeavors will sprout new posts and so on.

I also noticed that it's now been a little over 2 years since I originally created this blog. Looking back at the Welcome post a few things have changed. Mainly work related things including the forced rejections. They have happened and I've spoken of them here. It's not something that I look forward to happening, it's just a part of the job when I'm forced into that situation.

Just to give a reminder to what I hope this blog could show to everyone that reads it.

Not all doormen or bouncers are the stereotypical "idiot". They're not all muscle bound guys that like to show off their strength. They don't all like to fight. Not all of them do this as their main form of employment. Not all of them are "man-whores".

I also hope that people might read this and look at it from the point of view I try to put out there. Maybe someone can read this and look back at something that happened to them and realize why it happened. Doormen are just doing their job. We get paid to make a decision and stand by it. It's easier for some people because that's how we were raised by our fathers and we have the size to stand up. It is the type of job that you have to be ready for. It's not the type of job for any Joe Schmoe to just do. If you can't handle every day conflicts then you can't handle this type of job for a long period of time.

Now that I'm opening up the blog a little more with my personal opinions on certain subjects I hope that it might become a little more accessible to the readers. With this post I'm going to open up the comments so people can post comments. Feel free to post any comments you like. It's open to non-registered users but I have taken the liberty to moderate comments. It's the best option that I think I have at this time. You can also contact me through e-mail and AOL instant messenger. That information is on the right side of the page at all times.

Feel free to send me any questions you have and I'll answer them here.

On the right of the site there's also a subscription box where you can enter your email address and you can get all these updates in your inbox. There's a few people there now and it would be great to see even more. It's a free service and you don't have to sign up for anything more than the delivery.

Also, if you haven't noticed. I have added Google Ads onto the page as well. Feel free to click away on these. Every click helps send me a little money and it doesn't even come out of your pocket. Think of it as "Greasing the doorguy."

Alright, that's all for now. I'm off to work or sleep and I'll post here soon again.

Be safe.

Bounty Girls...

Ok, so the other night I was watching tv and I happened upon Court TV. They had a new show on called Bounty Girls Miami. I figured I'd give it a chance because the commercials I'd seen of it made it look interesting. Why not? There are 4 attractive women that go after people who have skipped out on their bail bonds. Basically the new breed of bounty hunters.

I'll be the first to admit that what caught my eye was that they're attractive females. I won't hide that at all. Also that they are attractive females that look like they can dish out some pain. Well, it looked like that in the commercial. Turns out they were in a class or training or something.

There seems to be a recurring theme here...

So I sat through an hour and a half of two 2 hour episodes. Ok... Where should I start...

Things about the show that I just don't like.

1. It has way too much of an "acting" feel to it. All the scenes in the office seem to be acted and not live.
2. The girls are way too obsessed with make up and their looks. Perfect example: en route to do surveillance one of the girls is driving down the highway at high speeds while putting on eye liner and no seat belt. The passenger even complains to her on screen about it. Her response, "What? I'm a multi-tasker."
   
3. Everything is harder and more dangerous for a woman. I think they said that at least 40 times in the first hour. Look at the profession you decided to enter. Don't complain constantly about how dangerous it is for you because your a woman.
4. The camera crew is constantly being seen in the shots. Either their running out of the office when the cars pull up or they're in the back seats of the cars when they're out on jobs.
5. Certain scenes suggest there is "back up".
   

More things...

The main "boss" character is Jag. She kinda lives up to her name. She's a very strong person and it comes out in her speech and attitude. She seems to be very controlling even with her 20 year old daughter who is a receptionist at the office. She's 20... let her make her own stupid decisions. I understand it's your kid but how else do they learn? Jag constantly complains about the other girls and how she would have done it right the first time. Then just do it.

The other girls are pretty quiet. They sit and listen to Jag's complaints and bicker.

I sat through the first episode thinking that I'd give it a shot and see where it goes. The show didn't do much for me really. The attractive part was good but it's not enough to carry the show. I was hoping for more in the action department or even for the drama level to be taken up a notch but it never happened. Even when they went to attain their first perp it seemed over acted. The guy stopped, turned and put his hands against the wall and Jag almost knocked him over trying to jump and put handcuffs on him.

I started to watch the second episode but lost interest.

One thing I did find a little funny. At the beginning of the second episode Jade was sitting at the table while they talked about their new assignment. Her shirt said "taking applications". I wonder how many fan mails she'll get with resumes. Too bad I hate Florida.

Anyways, this is all just what I thought. If you want to know what more people thought about it check it out on the shows message board.

Bounty Girls Miami Message Board on Court TV.com

The show is worth checking out. Based on the first episode I don't think I'll make it part of my routine.

Hate to say it but it could use a little testosterone.

Processing of numbers...

It's very rare these days that I entertain the idea of actually going out on a date. I've become very cynical about the concept of dating. There are too many different forms of dating and there doesn't seem to be many people left with the same ideas of it as I have. I guess I'm the old school version compared to the new action packed city version.

I'm not the type of person to date more than one person at a time. It's just confusing and extremely embarrassing if you say the wrong name to the wrong person. It's easier to keep things on a one to one standard. That's not the only thing that's better to have as a one to one standard. I'm not the type to sleep around with more than one lady at a time either. It's just safe practice. Then again, if all women were ladies...

Yea... I'm a doorman, a "bouncer", and I work in bars. Doesn't mean I'm completely stupid, want to fight all the time or need to have sex all the time. Granted.. if I could, I would. Just not with everyone in the neighborhood.

There are certain types or ladies that catch my eye. Like most types of people they usually stick to their neighborhoods or the places that tend to lean to their preference in music and lifestyle. All the different places I work or have worked have never been the type of places that have attracted the type of ladies that I'm more attracted to. Which I guess could be a good thing.

So occasionally a lady will be out of her environment and she'll stumble her way into one of the places I work. I always take notice and still I won't go out of my way to make an impression. I just stand there, check her i.d. and welcome her to the establishment. I'll make a little talk and try to get a smile from her, which works about 80% of the time. After that it's out of my hands. I don't pester her, I don't have drinks taken to her table and I don't keep an eye on her. I just go back to standing at my post and doing what I get paid to do. On a couple of occasions I've had a lady come back up to me and she'll open up a conversation. By the end of the conversation she knows things she wanted to know and sometimes even more. At the end of the night she leaves usually saying that she'll see me soon. Rarely do I see them again.

If they do come back I welcome them to the bar, check their i.d. and act surprised that they are back. I usually do this by bringing up some kind of quirk that we talked about. We talk a little bit and she goes into the bar. When I make it inside she comes up and we talk and I either notice what she's drinking or I ask her. Then later when it looks like she might be getting bored at her table or she might be leaving I ask the waitress to go over and ask her if she wants a drink and that the doorman is buying. Sweet guy, right?

A couple hours later it's last call. She's still hanging out and we've talked a couple times. The lights have come up and it's time for everyone to leave. She walks up and grabs my arm, "How late do you have to be here?"

"Well, I have to get everyone out of here and then clean up a little. Maybe an hour or so until I can take off."

"Oh.. can't someone else do that for you? I really want to hang out with you tonight."

"Well, they could but I'd rather they didn't. How bout we switch numbers and we can hang out tomorrow sometime during the day."

"I'm busy tomorrow but I do want your number. I really want to hang out with you."

She's not comfortable giving me her number so I just give her mine. Then she gives me a little peck on the cheek and she heads out.

I don't hear from her until this night happens.

Typical. People wonder why I get cynical about women.

Dogs get to chew on Vick...

I'm sure by now everyone has heard about the dog fighting circuit that Michael Vick was a part of. I'm sorry, the verdict isn't in yet... the dog fighting circuit that Michael Vick is suspected of funding, providing training grounds for, and being a part of.

If your not familiar with this then google Michael Vick and read up on it. Here are a few links in any case.

Dear Vick, Stay Home, Commish.

Vick indicted by grand jury in dogfighting probe

Michael Vick Dogfighting Case Makes Way to Floor of U.S. Senate

So I made this clear before in a different post. I think people who aim for breed specific legislation are idiots. I think people who condone dog fighting are a couple steps from being serial killers. It's the type of mentality that would go that far. They don't think anything about it but they love the feeling they get when they watch dogs bite into each other and tear flesh away from each other.

These people should be put into a pit with some of these animals. Their arms and legs tied together and left there to survive. Then if they do happen to survive treat them the same way they've treated the numerous animals found that lost their matches. String them up from a tree, electrocute them or just shoot them in the head.

These people are useless.

Right now though, if you have a dog and you wish Michael Vick could get a nice big bite from your pup. Hurry and order this Michael Vick chew toy. I saw it and started smiling. I ordered a couple for my pups.

You might want to hurry though, I'm sure once his lawyers find out about it they'll get shut down. I'm even putting a link to it on the right side of the page for easy finding.

Get yours while you can.

Busy, Busy...

Now that the heat is starting to turn up more and summer is in effect we've been getting busier. Thursdays have became the new Friday and Friday and Saturday are still just as busy as always. Plus, with all the little festivals going on in the neighborhood it gets people out of their house earlier and they want to stay out later. Which means even more people trying to get into the establishment.

What's this mean for me?

It means that I deal with more people that just don't seem to have a clue. It means more people waiting in line to get in and even more people arguing with me as to why they aren't coming in. The wait time is longer because less people are leaving. Even more people are trying to play the "I work at this place or that place" game and more regulars to deal with.

The entire neighborhood has changed a lot. There's more of the baby stroller yuppie types in the neighborhood now and a lot more suburban people coming through which means less stories about people trying to tip me to get in. Now it's usually "Stop by my job and I'll hook you up with free entries with your dinner," or "I'll hook you up with free tickets to a show." The sad part is that I already have these hook ups through these peoples bosses. So now your offers are null and void.

I wish I could revisit posts of people hooking me up like Mr Strong Handshake did back in the day. If I had more days like that I wouldn't be so stressed about everyone being clueless about how things work. I guess I've been in the industry too long to realize that not everyone thinks of these things as common sense practices.

The major festivals bring about bands and promoters and I'm always trying to hook them up. I don't ask for anything from them but if I have heard of them I will do what I can. If I don't know you then I hope that you show up with someone I know from the club you played at. Then I can make them look like rock stars. Occasionally I'll get tickets to a fairly big show in the area for helping them out.

When I get the tickets it's a toss up as to what I actually use them for. Sometimes I'll give them to some unknowing customers that were really cool or I'll give them to a co-worker, very rarely I'll sell them. If I do it's money in my pocket and everyones happy, especially me. I've even used them as trade before to get things that I really wanted for myself. Flat panel TVs and other items are pretty expensive these days.

So every hook up is used for a hook up. That's how it's done. A person doesn't go out of their way for you just because they think your nice if they don't know you. They do it so they can get something out of it for themselves. Yes, that even goes for that nice guy that held the door open for the girl. Everyone wants something.

I know.. I'm being cynical again. Or am I?

Lost or Found...

It's inevitable. Some day you'll forget something at a bar. Hopefully you forget it and someone didn't just steal it. Your best action is to call the bar the next day and see if they have a lost and found.

Every night I walk the establishment and see if anything is left behind. I watch the floor for dropped money and I look around to see if anyone left behind bags, cell phones, clothing or anything that catches my eye. I do have to admit, any money I find I keep. It's usually only 5 or 10 bucks but if it's on the floor and not inside anything it's fair game.

Occasionally I'll find a briefcase or satchel and I look through it to see if there's any type of identification in it. That way if there's a way to contact the person the management will contact them. If there isn't a way to contact them the bag goes into the lost and found. If the person doesn't come back for it in a couple weeks then who ever finds it gets first dibs on it.

One night as I was walking the area I found a satchel that had a laptop, ipod, 6 or 8 manilla folders, and numerous other things. One of the things inside was a little leather book that had $700 in it. All together, I'd say there was $1,500 worth of items inside this bag. I took it down to the office and signed it in to the management. Then I went back to finishing the night.

About a half hour later there's a knock at the door. So I walk over to see who it is at the door and find a gentleman in his 40's standing there with a cab waiting for him. I unlock the door and slightly push it open. "Bar's closed. Can I help you?"

"Yea mate, I was here earlier and I think I left my bag here."

"Can you tell me what it looks like and the contents?"

"Yea, yea.. It was a black satchel with grey on it and I had my laptop, an ipod, and a bunch of paperwork in it. My passport should be in there too."

"Ok, give me a second and I'll take a look. Be right back." I locked the door and headed back to the office to get the bag I just put there. I walked back up to the door and held up the bag. The man smiled big and gave me a thumbs up. I unlocked the door and handed it to him.

"Oh man, thank you mate!! This thing has my whole life in it. I'm here from Australia and I'm giving a proposal to get my company work here. If not for you I'd be literally screwed! Thanks so much!!"

I stood there looking at him. Listened to everything he had just said. I saved him from a lot of problems. Might have helped make him a millionaire or some shit. Then he says this. "I wish I could give you a reward or something for saving me."

Then he got in the cab and left.

Ok... I'm not the type to be looking for rewards because I found your stuff in the bar. I find things in the bar almost daily. If I saved you and your business from what ever I saved you from and you have $700 sitting in there (that I could have taken) then how bout a monetary reward? I'm not saying $200 or $300 but $50 would have made my night.

People don't seem to understand. When people find things in bars 70% of the time the ones that lost it don't come back for it. They don't remember where they lost it or where they had been that night. So after a couple weeks most of these things go home with who ever found it.

The other part that people don't understand is this. When things are found at a bar, who's to say that what's in them is found in them. What's stopping that person from pocketing that $700 that was in there? Hey, we found it on the floor in a bar after 400 or 500 people were in here. Maybe someone else took it cause it wasn't there when I found the bag. Or who's to say we ever even found the bag.

So remember, if you lose something in a bar and you go back and all your things are still there, then someone honest kept that for you. They're not expecting you to give them a reward. They're not expecting you to go out of your way for them. They will second guess themselves the next time they hear someone go on about how they saved someone's life by holding onto something. Maybe next time they just won't find the bag or turn it in.

So if someone does something really good for you without asking then remember to pay it back in some way. What works well a lot of the time is just an offering. The next time you go there offer to get them a drink, or food, or even throw them $20 or more for holding the bag.

That whole pay it forward thing is bullshit. If you don't do it naturally then you won't pay it forward. Pay it back to the one that helped you.

Rattling Tongues...

There's a lot of times when I'm at work and people come up complaining about the guy that works on my nights off.

"He wouldn't let me in cause he said I was wasted." You were wasted.

"He asked me to leave and I wasn't doing a thing." You dropped 3 bottles of beer and they all broke in the matter of half an hour.

"Man, he was being a dick so we left." He was being a dick cause he wouldn't give your friend his fake i.d. back? Aww, too bad.

There's always something every week. He did this or he did that. Honestly, I don't care. I'm not at work. If anything, this is a sign that he's doing the job he was hired for. I do keep in touch with him. I like to know what goes on when I'm not there so I know what to look out for on the days I do work.

Sometimes he has to deal with situations. Sometimes those situations come back through out the week. Then we both get to deal with it again. It's a lot more calm now than it used to be. These days it's just people trying to stroke the egos so they get remembered on a busy night. Your better than that guy is or vice versa.


To me it's all noise. I know who's cool with me. I should, after all, I am me.

Time and Place...

As the saying goes... "There's a time and place for everything." It's basically the same as saying, "Know when to pick your battles." There's not always a perfect time to pick an argument with someone, especially when it's on a personal level, but there is always a better place.

A lot of this depends on the type of person you are too. If your the type of person that has to make a big deal out of nothing then you don't think about this. You want to cause a scene where ever you are just so people can notice you. You want people to think you are being put down or held back. You want the attention to be towards you even if it's bad. "All publicity, whether good or bad is still publicity."

These people are the type of people that will constantly keep the drama going just so they can be in the middle of conversations as long as they can. They love the drama, they love the attention and if they don't have it they might have to be real.

So when one of these people makes an employee feel uncomfortable or the employee just doesn't want them at the establishment then we don't let them in. It's a pretty standard way of doing things. If your uncomfortable with someone then that person doesn't come in. It doesn't matter if your a guy or girl all you have to be is an employee or a good friend of an employee. If there's a possibility of fireworks going off then we make sure it doesn't happen.

The only time it's different is if it happens to be a significant other.

Then the policy changes a little. Then the policy is still basic, the person that isn't wanted there doesn't come in when the person that is involved with the conflict is working. Pretty basic yet to the people that are over dramatic it's too much for them to handle. They still walk up, they still try to come in the bar. Listen, keep acting like an asshole and you'll get banned even if your significant other works there.

Now when you have an altercation with a doorman that works at the same place your girl does don't get in his face at his job. That's like giving candy to a baby. It's our job to keep idiots out. If your picking a fight with us at the door we're not going to let you in. At this point we don't care who you know inside. Personally, I don't care if your the owner because I've kicked you out of the bar before and the next day you called me to apologize.

So if you don't want the drama to continue like you've said then apologize and act civil. Shit, you don't even have to apologize just act civil while your there. Don't mumble under your breath, don't roll your eyes, don't look at me all disgruntled. Go in, have a few drinks and see if that builds up your courage. Then if you feel like getting all riled up we'll see what happens. You'll be wasted, the doorman will be sober and someone will look like an idiot.

I hate saying this like this but, "Take yo drama to yo momma. Leave that shit at home."

This isn't the beach...

I understand that people are different. I understand that people dress different. I don't understand why people wear flip flops to a late night bar. This isn't the beach, it isn't the community pool or shower and it sure as hell isn't the beach.

Flip flops are basically useless footwear. They are standard issue footwear for the douche bag guys that come in a lot.

There's only a few places that flip flops are considered to be alright to be worn.

• The Beach
• Community Pools and Showers (i.e., YMCA, Local Gyms, Shower Rooms, etc.)
• Sitting around at home.
• Taking the dog for a walk.

I'm sure there's a few other times involved that I don't even care about.

Here's my point. Don't go to a late night bar with flip flops on. It's late, there's drunks out, glasses and bottles will get broken, and people will step on your feet.

It's common sense.

I've given regulars shit for it on numerous occasions. They'll stop by on their way home and I'll look at their feet and kind of laugh when I see the flip flops. They explain how they were at the beach and I end the conversation with, "Not my fault if you cut your foot open. Have fun."

I wear steel toe boots at work. Why? Because I've always had to have steel toe boots for previous jobs and they're what I'm comfortable wearing. Six or eight people step on my feet on a busy night, with the steel toes I don't feel it. Plus you never know what else they might be good for. The soles and heels are thick so not much is going to go through them; especially not glass from a bottle. They also give great ankle support in case I need to run down some one skipping out on their bill.

Anyways, I really don't want to have to call an ambulance because you come into the bar and step on glass or your toe gets cut open from it being exposed.

So how bout we leave the flip flops and sandals at home.

Late Night Call...

No matter what happens, it's not usually a good idea to call someone at home because you can't get into a bar. There's usually a really good reason why you can't get into the bar, especially if I can hear it in your voice over the phone.

"Hey Mike... thiz guy won led me in dhe bar... can you tell im thad I'm ok?"

"What?"

"Dis guy here.. he won led me in dhe bar... tell im thad I'm ok..."

"I tell you what, put him on the phone."

"Hey Mike, listen..."

"Hey man, sorry to interrupt but just nod your head like I'm talking and then give her the phone back and don't let her in. She really as fucked up as she sounds?"

"Oh yea."

"Cool, I'll see ya in a day or two."

There has to be better reasons for calling me at 12:30 am. At least I'd like to think so. How did this chic even get my number is what I'd like to know. There's plenty of other reasons to be calling me at that time of night. Granted, I'm still awake but that's not the call I want to get.

If it's that important that you get into the bar then you need to re-evaluate your priorities sweet heart.

Hilton-esque

So all the media hype about the poor little rich girl is unnerving. Is this what is really the most important thing going on these days? The fact that some little bimbo got caught driving under the influence, then not even a year later while on probation she gets ticketed for going 70 in a 35 while on probation is ridiculous.

To think that this is the type of role model that too many kids are looking up to is disturbing. A little bitch of a girl is helping to form the next generation.

I remember when a kid messed up and the father took action with his own hand or a belt. It's that type of parenting that has become wrong to the many people who think it's hurting the children. Yea, it hurts but guess what. The kid isn't going to do it again. Now I'm not saying that beating your kid is the right thing to do. It's not. There is a difference between beating your kid and reprimanding them.

The one thing that did catch my eye is how her mother and father didn't go busting in and try to save the day. For that I give them kudos. Her mother sat in court and watched as it all happened. Her father was probably sitting at home shaking his head in disapproval. Although I can't say that for certain.

All in all I don't see what the big to do is over this near anorexic girl is. She's just another one of those bimbos that causes a big scandal and wants the world to feel sorry for her because she's richer than everyone else and thinks her shit doesn't stink.

Guess what. Thanks to the Honorable Judge Michael T. Sauer, her shit stinks just like all the other people who mess up to that degree.

I also think it's great how all the petitions that were sent to Governor Schwarzenegger all fell straight on their faces. He did the right thing by not trying to separate the celebrities from the common people.

If you want to know all the run downs then I suggest going to the Wikipedia page where they have a lot of information for all to read.

The page can be found here:

Paris Hilton on Wikipedia

My favorite part is how she tells Larry King in her interview that she has never done drugs and isn't fond of alcohol either.

Ok, she must really think the entire world is stupid.

http://www.courttv.com/tsg/parisking2.swf

http://www.courttv.com/tsg/parisking7.swf

Homeland...

Like any other person that lives in a bigger city and likes to afford living and not just inhabiting; I have a roommate.

It's not a bad thing entirely. Rent's cheap, bills are cheap and sometimes food is pretty cheap too. The only downfall with the current roommate isn't really that bad of a thing either. Well, it hasn't been yet. Let me explain.

Work is work. I don't bring work home with me and I like that. My friends know where I live and they stop by rarely. We see each other enough at work. It's a separation thing, kind of like church and state.

I don't bring home drunken women because I don't want them coming back half the time. I don't bring people back to my home to party after hours because I like having the things I have. I've always been a type of person that you can do a lot or say a lot to me and I won't really react in a angry manner. There is one thing that will set me off faster than everything else. Steal from me and you'll see fire rain down from the sky.

I own some nice things. They might not be nice to you but they are to me. I paid money for them and I like them where they are and how they are. This is the main reason I don't bring a lot of people back to the house. That and out of respect to my roommate since she usually has to be up early for what ever she's doing.

Now she doesn't bring home a lot of people. In fact, most of the people she brings over are pretty decent. As with everything there are exceptions.

I came home early one night and walk into the apartment. I hear the tv on so I peek my head into the living room. The roommate, Sheila, is sitting on the couch with a guy. I step in to say hello and get a look at the guy. He says hey and I turn and walk out of the room.

Out of respect to Sheila I don't automatically grab this guy and toss him out the window.

So I go back to my room and sit here at the window of enlightenment. After a while I hear the door open and close so I step out to see who left or came in. Sheila's standing there and the guy had left.

"Who's that guy?"

"Oh Charlie? He's a good guy, I've known him for a little while now."

"Well Charlie's lucky I didn't break a boot off in his ass about a week ago."

"Really? He's always been really cool with me."

"I had to toss him out of the bar. He was a little jack ass."

"Yea, he gets that way some times I'm told."

"Not around me again I hope."

Misconceptions of granduer...

"No, he's fine. He's with me."

"Listen hun, I'm trying to close down the bar. I can't have extra people sitting around in here."

"Well, he's with me then, that ok?"

"Well, if he's with you then I'm gonna have to ask you to leave too. Sorry."

"What!? I always stick around!"

Some people get to stick around after hours. Yea, they're not supposed to technically but there are always little rules that get bent. Usually it's boyfriends, girlfriends, roommates or some kind of good friend. Some times it's people who work in the industry at a different bar or restaurant. Most of these people know the rules. You don't cause problems. You don't get loud. You just hang out while it's quiet, talk with friends and enjoy a drink or two.

It's never people who aren't good friends of an employee or the bar.

"I don't know who this guy is. He can leave."

"Are you serious? He's a friend of mine."

"And who's his friend that works here? I don't know him so he has to go. Plain and simple."

"Then how come I always get to stay?"

"Your fuckin Casper aren't ya?"

The expression on her face was worth it. Not only did I bust her out in front of some guy but she actually didn't know that everyone there knew about her and Casper.

"Wha.. what did you say?"

"Listen, everyone that hangs out, hangs out for a reason. It's not a right. Boyfriends wait for girlfriends and hook ups wait for hook ups. Not friends of hook ups. They don't count."

Then the guy decided to pipe in. "Hey man, I can pay for my drinks."

"Hey man, you want to do me a favor? Just leave. There's no paying for drinks now, the bar's closed. Bye."

So the guy shrugs his shoulders and tells the girl that he's taking off. A few minutes later her phone rings. She talks a little bit, hangs up, says her good byes to everyone and leaves. I step outside to make sure she gets into a cab and see Casper pull up. He steps out of his car and motions her over. She starts walking across the street and Casper gives me a thumbs up. I guess I made a point that he wanted her to know.

Casper's a dick but he did say one thing once that made sense. If you have something they want they'll never leave you. I guess being able to hang out late night at a bar is enough for some.

Sad to think that's all it takes for some people.

Let's get dinner some time....

There are a few things that bother me. Most of them separate between work and life.

I'm not the guy that typically works in a bar or a nightclub in a security position. I don't take a liking to my job due to the power that comes with it. Power means nothing to me. Why? Because away from work I'm no one just like you. I take comfort in knowing that. I know that once I step away from which ever establishment I'm working at I'm just another person riding a bus, walking down the street or driving down the road. I'm no one special when away from work. While I'm at work I'm the one person everyone wants to know.

I get a lot of "We should hang out" or "Let's get dinner some time". I get it so often that when I hear it now I usually just brush it off as someone else trying to get nice with the bouncer. They think that false guarantees will get them in faster, free drinks or they'll be upgraded so they can skip the line. It doesn't work like that.

I'll tell you now, the fastest way to be remembered by a bouncer or doorman is cash. Good ole green paper money. Now I'm not talking about being cheap here either. Depending on the number of people that are with you will depend on how much you will need to be remembered. On a typical scale the best way to be remembered is about $20 a head. But... if the club has a cover charge for the night then the typical scale would be twice the amount of the cover per person.

Now depending on the club it's all different. Your best bet would be to actually show up early and talk with the door staff. Show up on a slow night and talk to the guy at the door. Chances are he's the same guy that's there on the weekends to but bring that up in conversation. If the guy acts like he doesn't want to hear a word your saying then he probably doesn't and your shit out of luck.

I hate to admit this part. I really do because at some clubs it works like a charm but it only works for the ladies. Ladies... show off what was given to you. Either it was given to you at creation or you've bought it but it does work at a lot of clubs.

Clubs want hot ladies there. It's a proven fact that if there are women there, men will show up and spend even more money. I've even let groups of women skip the line just so the guys see what is in store. Of course, I'm more the type that only wants to see it if I can have it. And I rarely see anything I want by the end of the night.

Sorry hun, your wasted, I'm sober.

So now that I've gone off on a tangent...

I really don't want to hear about how we should hang out or we should go out some time. I really don't. I hear it a lot and I've followed up on a few of them. It usually ends up with responses such as how busy they were at work and how tired they are and don't want to go out. That's fine. I hate to say it but I remember that crap when you show up to the club again. It's when I get to say how tired I am and I don't want to open the door for you so you'll have to wait in line.

Hey, turn around is fair play. It might seem petty but remember.. You offered something up to the table worth far more than I ever did. I offered the pass to get into a bar. You offered up "dinner" as you pressed your big ass chest against me and your hand came up missing.


This isn't a one ride bull. Put your money where your mouth is.