"You know yer actin pretty childish. In fact, your actin a lot like an asshole."
Usually when drunks talk to me that I've already asked to leave I ignore them. I walk them out the door or carry them if needed and thats that. When Phil says someone needs to go then they go. I don't question, I just do. If your staggering around leaning on tables with your head down then it's a good sign you need to leave.
I'll be cordial with you and I'll give you time to tell your friends and grab your coat. I won't give you a lot of time but I'll give you a little. This way if you have a tab to close you can. If you need your friend to take you home then they'll know your waiting outside for them.
"You can't let me look for my wallet?"
"Your calling me childish and you don't know where your wallet is?"
A lot of times, I've noticed, no matter how nice to people I am I still end up the asshole. Why? Well, because I won't let you back into the bar to get your friend or look for coats or glasses or wallets or phones or just about anything. Honestly, I don't have to. Once your asked to leave a bar it doesn't mean you can come right back in. Come back the next day or if you have a complaint feel free to call.
"Man, talk to me like I'm your friend."
"Why? Your not."
"See, now yer just being childish agin. I jus wanna find my wallet."
"Listen, I'm letting you wait for your friend here instead of outside. Hopefully he finds it and you can leave."
"No, yer jus being an asshole."
Friend comes back - "I found it. Its cool."
"Man, whys this guy being an asshole?"
"I got your wallet, lets just go. He's just doing his job."
"Man, whas yer name? Imma journalist, man. I'll make sure you get a bad review. Ya know you are bein an asshole. You don't need to. Fuckin asshole."
"My name's Mike. Now get out of my bar."
Friend - "Man, you are starting to be an asshole. We are leaving."
"Ok, so why aren't you moving?"
It's not my problem if you forget something. You do become my problem if you keep trying to get back in. Once your out, your out. I'll let your friend look for your stuff but you don't come back in. I don't babysit people or follow you around at your leisure just so you can waste time inside.
It is amazing how quickly the white collar journalist type are so quick to write up a bad review. Well, I should say threaten to write up a bad review. The funny part is that these guys come to this type of bar to either hide out or because they've heard about the reputation it has. They're the guys that I've never seen in the bar before and are probably only there because they were in the neighborhood after some party or show. Nothing loss there. They're not returning customers anyway.
I think I might lose some sleep waiting for that review. Maybe it'll be so bad that we have to close our doors. Just think, I might get a vacation out of it.