Hey Mr Policeman. I didn't ask to see your badge. I asked to see your id. I don't care if your a cop in a different city.

Fake I.D IV: My Mom...

"Why do you need another form of i.d.? That's me..."

"I just need to verify that it's you. You have anything else in your wallet that has your name and maybe a picture on it?"

The girl closes her wallet, "No, I only carry my i.d. and cash."

"Really? Who's credit cards are those?"

"My Mom's...."

"All four of those are your mothers?"

"Yea, she doesn't want me to ever be in a bind."

"Well, tell your mother that you need to buy a new fake then." I put the i.d. in my pocket.

"You can't take that, my Mom's a lawyer. She told me you can't take away any type of i.d. from anyone."

"Really? Even if your fraudulently impersonating another person or carrying an altered form of government identification?"

"That's what she told me. So you have to give that back or I'll call the police."

"Feel free to call honey, I'm not the one looking at jail time."

She stood there leaning on one leg and the other leg was tapping it's foot as she held her phone up to her ear. It was as if she was waiting for me to cave in to her bluff. Then a squad car drives by and I flag them down with my flashlight. As the car pulls over the girl slowly turns to walk away.

"Hey, don't leave yet. The cops are here now. Don't you want your i.d. back?"

The two officers walk up. "What's the problem?"

"This young lady was just going to call in to the station. She has a few questions about why she can't have her fake i.d. back."

"Let's see it." The officers look at the i.d. and walk over to the girl. I don't really listen in to their conversation because I've heard it all before. Until I hear the one officer say to her, "Listen lady, if you want to make a big deal out of this we can arrest you and prosecute you in a federal court. This is possession of a forged federal document. You could go to prison for five years for this, it's called fraud. So how bout we drop it and you go home."

The girl started crying and the tried to plead with the officer but he wouldn't have anything to do with it. He turned and walked over and handed the i.d. back to me. He rolled his eyes and patted me on the shoulder. In a low voice he commented, "I don't know how you deal with this crap," then walked back to the car.

Before the officers even got into their car, the girl came back up to me. The first officer stopped and yelled over to the girl, "Miss. Don't even bother this man again. We will gladly take you in for this. Start walking away." Then he stood next to his car as the girl turned and started walking down the street.

Nice vs Not So Nice...

Within the past few years I learned what it means to dislike people. In the beginning I hated the world. Then over the years my old self has slowly started to resurface. Let's say the softer side is starting to come back to the battleground. Which isn't always a good thing in this line of work.

You don't want to be soft but you do in certain situations. You can't be an asshole all the time, just at the times you need to.

Over the past month I've been punched, tackled and insulted in many ways. (I'll post these stories in time) Most of which have happened because I was being soft and polite. Strange that people are such assholes. If I had been rude and forceful it more than likely wouldn't have happened.

Time wears a person down and after being an asshole long enough I was getting tired of it. So I decided to be a little nicer. Of course that paid off well... Luckily, no stitches, guns or knives involved as of yet.

There are a few other things I'm trying to change as well that have nothing to do with work. I'm going to try and get back to a gym. It's been a long time since I've been in a gym at all. I've always had that second labor induced job to keep me fit. I haven't had that in a while so it's time to get one or get to a gym. I'd rather have the second job so at least I'm getting paid to bust my ass and not paying for it. Especially since I'm the type to use a personal trainer. Yea, I'm that lazy.

I've never been a fan of working out or going to a gym. I also don't have a clue as to what to do or which machines to use. I never had to use that stuff even when playing football back in the day. I'm just a big country boy that has worked labor jobs his whole life.

So I think the second job option is the better one, once spring hits. Ahh.. back to shoveling ditches and tossing tons of weight all day. Part of me thinks it will actually be fun.

As for being nice to people. I'm done with that. It's back to being the asshole at the door. I'm not a fan of being punched or tackled and I don't want to waste anymore time going to court for people I've had arrested. The judges are starting to know me by face.

A few of the cops have even joked that I should get a badge. Maybe in the future, but not right now. I like dealing with the problems of a confined area rather than an entire town. Besides, most of the cops wish they were me. Since things can happen here and not there. Legalities...

Ok, I'll be back soon with more posts. Until then...

Be Safe.

Tolerance...

"I hope you really enjoy the whole $7 an hour your making."

As my hand balls up into a fist I feel a hand pull back on my forearm. "Leave it Mike." Paulie steps out from behind me. He looks at the scruffy haired kid standing in front of us, "Why don't you take off."

"Fuck you guys, this sidewalk is community property." The kid is about 22 years old, 6' tall and all of 120lbs soaking wet. He has a trucker hat on with the bill of the hat bent straight up. His pants are tight, keys hung from a belt loop and the right pant leg is rolled up so it doesn't get caught in his bicycle chain. His shirt was at one time white and his arms are decorated with mismatched tattoos. There was dried blood around his nose. "I know my rights."

Five minutes before.

The kid was in the establishment. He decided that it would be ok to walk up behind a waitress and throw his arms around her. Not only that, he thought it would be funny if he grabbed her breasts and act like he was dry humping her. When Alice came up and told me I walked to the back and saw him laughing about it.

I grabbed him by the collar and threw him to the floor. He landed face first and knocked over a couple other people as he went down. I reached and grabbed him again, this time by his feet and I started dragging him out of the bar. He kept grabbing other people's legs as I was dragging him so I stopped. He spun around onto his back and I grabbed his arm and jerked him up. As he was coming up he was scared. I could see it in his eyes. His eyes were wide open and he kept looking around for help.

I went to grab his wrist and spin him around and he slipped out of my grasp. He tried to run out of the establishment but I tripped him and he fell to the ground again. This time he fell harder and busted his nose on the ground. Blood started coming out of his nose and trailing down his chin. Now he just laid there waiting for someone to help him. I grabbed him by the wrists and pulled him up. I stood him up and shoved him back and he started out the door.

Once outside the door he became tough. Slanders flew from his mouth like a river. Then they turned personal. Statements about people's mothers started coming out and that's when I started to get more angry. Usually these things don't upset me. I figure that the person doesn't know my mother so there's no reason to get upset but with the things this kid had already done it got to me. I could feel the adrenaline pulsing through me and that's when Paulie told me to let it go.

The kid wouldn't leave the front of the bar and he kept going on about "his rights". So I decided to let him get a first hand feel for what his rights really were. As a squad car drove past I flashed them with my flash light. The car stopped and pulled over. The kid thinking he was in the right stood there, "Yea, bring the cops over, I'll have your ass in jail!" He literally thought he was in the right.

The two cops came walking over. The first one walked up to me and the second one walked straight over to the kid.

"Hey Mike, what's going on?"

I explained what had happened and how the kid was dry humping the waitress and grabbing her breasts. I explained in detail what happened after that.

"Ok, the waitress want to file sexual assault charges?"

The kid overheard this. "What!? I didn't assault her! What the fuck!?"

The cop walked over to the kid and got into his face. "Excuse me? You grabbed a womans breasts without her consent. You think that's ok to do?"

The second cop turned the kid around and started patting him down. When the cuffs came out the kid started flaring up more. "What the fuck!? What about what he did to me? This is fuckin bullshit!!"

"He didn't do anything. You swung at him first. He was doing his job, protecting the staff and the business."

"I didn't swing at anyone!!"

"You have the right to remain silent...."

After the kid was read his rights and stuffed in the car, the cops talked to the waitress. She decided to press charges. Even if she doesn't show up for court the kid will have to spend all weekend in jail to wait for a court hearing.

Maybe he'll meet up with Big John while he's in there.

Hopefully Big John will think he's cute.

Ah, young Padawan...

On a busy weekend like one near the holiday of Halloween it's always busy. There's lots of people wanting into the establishment and lots of people waiting in line. The worst part of it all is that most of the people are drunk.

One thing I've noticed is that everyone is in their own world. Even more so on Halloween because they all want to act like the character they're portraying. There's Wolfman howling, Spider-man and Venom wrestling, and a couple dressed as trailer trash (or Britney Spears and Kevin Federline I couldn't really tell..) yelling at everyone.

So I get to step out and tell them all to contain themselves or they wouldn't be allowed in. This lasted a whole 5 minutes maybe. The trailer trash couple lasted about a minute and they were back to screaming at each other. So I did what I said I was going to do.

"Guys, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"What the fuck for!?"

"I already explained it to you. If you can't be quiet out here when I ask you to you can't go inside."

The typical argument and name calling starts up and they leave. Next on the list, the Wolfman. He just wouldn't shut up.

"Hey man, I'm gonna ask you one more time. Quit howling or just leave."

"Oh, I'm sorry man."

I turn away and he howls. I turn back and his friends are laughing as he points to someone else in the group. "That's it man, don't waste your time waiting your not getting in." His friends start laughing and the Wolfman and his friends start to walk off. Behind them is a guy dressed up as a young Padawan, from Star Wars.

After telling the Wolfman he had to leave about a half an hour goes by and the Jedi Padawan is next in line to get in. As he stands there and waits he seems very patient since he just waited close to an hour just to come in.

It's now drawing closer to closing time when a few regulars walk up and say their hellos. A few minutes later a few people leave and I let the regulars in. This seems to have awakened the 'dark side' in the young Padawan.

"Man, what the fuck? Why ain't I going in?"

"You'll be in as soon as I can get you in there."

"No. Fuck that. I should be going in now."

"I'll tell you when you can go in. Keep talkin and you won't be going in at all."

A minute or two of silence and then it happens. I hear clearing of a nose and I feel a slight thud on my jacket. I look down and see the ball of spit and snot slowly rolling over itself as it walks down the front of my jacket. I look up and see the face of the Padawan slowly go from victorious to scared as he looks at me.

I step forward and grab him by the shoulder and raise my other arm. I pull my hand back and flatten it so I can smack him across the face like the child he is. Then he turns and pulls out of the cloak he had on like it was a layer of skin shedding off a snake. He gets to the curb of the street and stands there flipping me off. I stand my ground and wait.

I step into the establishment and ask Paulie to get me a wet rag to wipe my jacket off with. He comes back and looks at my jacket, "Is that really what I think it is?"

"Yep. Little fucker spit right on me."

"He still out there?"

"Yep. He'll be staying the weekend in jail soon though."

This is something people don't think about when they do stupid things. I'm not one to actually follow up on something like this but I will use it to my advantage. If you get arrested on a Friday night your not getting out until late Monday afternoon. Court isn't open on Saturday or Sunday so you have to sit and wait till Monday.

I step back outside and the guy is still at the curbside. Now he's rattling off about how he's a law student. He knows his rights and he knows that it's illegal for me to refuse him entrance. I guess he's not a very good law student because the number one rule with liquor establishments is this.

We have the right to refuse service to any one for any reason at any time.

However, learning that he is a law student makes it even better. Now I can just have him arrested for public drunkenness and screw him in two different ways. Make him sit all weekend and make him wait even longer to take his Bar Exam.

Why? From what I've been told by lawyers and policemen is this. If you have an arrest on your record you will automatically be refused by the state bar for licensing. You will be denied until the arrest is off of your record. Which means if you graduate you'll be flipping burgers because you can't practice law until you pass the Bar.

"An applicant must have good moral character,..."

Soon enough I see a squad car driving by and I flag them down with my flashlight. They pull up and the young Padawan starts walking down the street. The driver side window rolls down. "What's up Mike?"

"There's a young guy dressed as a Jedi walking around the corner. I think he'd like to spend the weekend in your motel."

"What'd he do?"

"He mumbled something and spit on me. Couldn't understand him but I think he said something about having something."

"Ok, we'll go get him."

Five minutes later the squad pulls back up. They ask me to identify the guy in the back seat and I sign a couple forms. Then they leave as I wave good bye to the Padawan going off to his fun weekend of Bubba and Bill. The cops tell me not to worry about showing up for court.

Surprisingly, the Spider-man and Venom characters that were wrestling in line were never a problem again. Even at the end of the night when Venom had to be partially carried out by Spider-man.

Driving...

"Mike, you have to pull over. We've been driving for at least 5 minutes."

"I don't have to pull over until I feel comfortable pulling over."

"Your gonna get arrested."

"For what? I'm not speeding any more... and I'm waitin till I come up to some street lights."

"I'm sure your just causing more of a scene."

"Yea, cause out here in the middle of no where there's a lot of people to cause one for."

A while back I went on a little road trip with a friend. We had to hit a couple highways to get where we were going and these roads went right out to the middle of no where. Every 5 or 6 miles you might see a house off in the distance. As per the norm, I was speeding. I don't think I ever go the actual limit anyways so it was about time for me to get caught.

Somewhere along the line a cop caught me with his radar and his lights popped on. I wasn't about to just pull over in the middle of no where without any lights around. So I kept driving until I found one. I think I found a street light after about twenty minutes. I pulled over just pass the light so that the police cruiser could pull under the light. I got my insurance card and license out and got ready for the questioning that I knew was about to begin as the officer tapped on my window. I rolled down my window and waited.

"How are we tonight guys?"

"Doing just fine officer."

"I was wondering if you had forgotten about me back there. Any reason why we waited so long to pull over?"

"Sorry, new to the area. Just wanted to get to a place where there was a little light."

"That's understandable. Can you step out of the car sir."

I stepped out of the car and walked with him to the trunk of my car. We stood there for a little bit and after a few more questions about where we were going I got a little surprise.

"So... I'm gonna see you at the little get together then right?" I just stood there looking at him. "You said your in town for a little get together with friends right? I'm guessing I'll be there as well."

Then I took a hard look at his name tag. Not really sure why I hadn't before, it's usually common practice for me. "Holy shit. When did they let you become a cop?" A grin came out from both of us we shook hands. "I haven't seen you in a long ass time."

"Yea, well after the shit we used to pull I figured I'd be the best at catching the new kids."

We stood there and talked for at least another half an hour before he noticed that my friend was getting anxious. "Looks like she's bout to spring a leak," he said as he nodded in through the back window.

"Eh, let her. She thinks I was trying to cause a scene by making you follow me."

We talked a little while longer and then we said our good byes. I got back in my car and he drove past us down the road.

"What the hell was that all about? I thought you two were gonna make out or something."

"Oh that? That was a good friend of mine. He was hopin you'd have to piss so much he'd get to use his tazer on ya." I had to chuckle a little with that image flashing through my head. Her jumping out of the car bitching for us to hurry up so she could to the bathroom. Then him getting startled, or annoyed, and pulling out his tazer and using it on her.

"Yea, what ever. Hurry up and get me to a bathroom will ya?"

"There's plenty of trees and corn over there." With that I got an eyeballs through the roof of her skull look.

"I know your joking. Drive."

I had a feeling that whole friendship was a joke after that. Sometimes it's good to remember where your from and where your going.

So your tough huh?...

Over the weekend a friend of the establishment came in. She's in her late 20's and she's a very good sight to see. She's always smiling and she just seems to put people in a good mood. This night she walked up with her head slightly lowered and she wasn't as cheerful as she usually is. She just put her hand up as if to wave and said hello as she walked in.

I stepped in behind her and tapped her on the shoulder. She spun around quick and her eyes were wide open as if she was scared. "Hun, what's wrong?"

She put her hand up to the right side of her temple and looked down again. "Nothing, nothings wrong."

I reached up and slowly pulled her hand away from her face and looked at it. Her eye was swollen and there was a bandage on her temple. I bent over and gave her a hug and asked in her ear, "Who did this?"

She started to breath deep and I waved Casper over to watch the door. "I don't know, it just happened all at once. It was so quick," and she started to cry.

"When did it happen?"

"A few days ago, I didn't want you to know. Your always telling me not to walk alone."

"Did you get a look at him?"

"Yea, but he didn't get caught."

"You tell me if you see him. I'll return the favor to him."


One thing that really gets to me about women that leave the establishment by themselves is the fact that they leave by themselves. They leave alone and think they're perfectly safe to walk the 5 or 10 blocks to their home.

Really? You really think your so tough that no one is going to mess with you? Just like any other night club the place that I work at is surrounded by bums, gangbangers, and people that are desperate to get their fix. They'll do what ever they need to do to get the fix that they need whether it's heroin or rent money.

Here's the deal. If you go to a late night place with friends then leave with your friends. If your friends aren't ready to leave then take a cab home or to your car. The last thing I need is to find out you left my establishment and got mugged or raped. If you want me to get you a cab then ask me to and I will. That's a part of the game for me, I'm here to help as well as keep order.

And for all the ladies out there that say they can handle themselves. Prove it. I don't doubt that there are women out there that can, I know there are. I'm just saying to all the women out there that have the typical 9 to 5 and think life is grand. Life can change in the matter of a minute.

If you really think you can handle yourself then imagine what it might be like if a 6'3" 310lb man ran up behind you and grabbed you. Do you really think you could get away from him? Don't bother yelling rape because how many people in a big city is going to run out to help you? Not many. Your better off yelling fire or a celebrities name to get people's attention.

The man doesn't even have to be that big. He could be 5'9" and 180lbs. If he pulls a knife or a gun what are you going to do?

I only say to travel in a group because it's less likely that you will get attacked in that fashion. Typically a person isn't going to attack a group of people. Once in a great while you might get a junkie that will need his fix but with 2 or more people you should be able to fend him off.

I know your probably sitting there thinking this scenario through and what you might do but you never know what you will do until that time comes. You can practice all you want but you won't know if you'll use that until it actually happens. Fear is a bad and good thing. It can fuel your power or take it away in a second.

I try to keep up to date on occurrences in the area. The cops stop by every once in a while and let me know if they're looking for anyone and anything that has happened lately. They know that I'll do my best to warn people and try to keep them out of trouble. Whether they listen or not is up to them. I've even gone the extra step to actually hold someone to see if they can get away. It's changed a few minds about walking alone.

Besides, when you hear a story about someone getting raped after they left a certain place; would you want to go there?

Bartender in Chicago gets beaten by an off duty cop??

Ok, this might be a long one.

I will openly say at this time that I'm totally against women opening a bar and working alone. If there's someone there with them that could handle a problem that might happen then by all means go for it. I'm not saying that it's the woman's responsibility to make sure that person is there. If anything, it's the management's.

The biggest excuse that I hear a lot is, "Well, how likely is it that something's gonna happen?" It's about as likely as I'll get shot or knifed in the gut for refusing someone entrance. All it takes is that one time.

Now. Just so I don't look like a sexist pig, let me clarify a few things.

As everyone knows through common sense there are many different types of people. There are those that can handle themselves and those that can not. Out of ten women that I know, maybe two of them could stand up and fight off a 6' tall 250lb man. The other eight wouldn't be able to even put up a fight.

This is not a topic about men being better or women being weak. It's a topic of common sense. I've had this conversation before because certain women want an early shift at a bar because that way they can get off early and still enjoy their night. My argument is that at most bars there isn't a doorman during the early shift hours. So I would prefer a guy working those hours because a guy can usually handle those circumstances better. Plus, let's be honest, a guy getting beat up is totally different than a woman getting beat up.

So here's where the whole topic stems from. In Chicago, a young woman bartender was beaten down by an off duty alcoholic police officer. I'll guarantee the only reason that it's getting a lot of press is because it was a police officer that was involved. I've known a few other people that have been beaten much worse just for their wallet as they walk home and it never hit the news.

Now I don't know what hours the bartender was working but by the video below I would guess that she was working the early shift. What's worse is to watch as the guy in the lower left of the video runs away.

How do you run away when you see a woman getting hit repeatedly by someone?

From an article that I read, the officer had just finished an in-patient substance abuse program on March 5th. Seems like that helped out a lot.

If you want the whole story you can try these links. I'm not sure which one will work for you as most newspapers won't let you see content unless you sign up for them. So here's a few different links you can try.

Chicago Tribune

ABC 7 - Chicago

CBS 2 - Chicago

The officer has been stripped of his police powers and has a huge bail amount set. The department is even looking into firing him now that he did something that got caught on camera.

I'll try to keep current on this issue since I know I haven't been around much.

Keep on knocking but you can't come in... II

Almost every night there's a guy in the bar that upsets a woman in some way. Every woman handles it a different way. Either they brush the guy off politely or they ignore him or they come straight to me and tell me about how the guy is wasted, grabbing them, or just won't take the hint and leave them alone.

Most cases I'll keep an eye on the guy and see if the woman can get him to go away. It all depends on the guy and if he's jumping from one woman to the next. Many a night I've been a fake boyfriend for more than one woman in the bar. This usually gets the guy to leave her alone when she tells him that her boyfriend is the doorman. It doesn't all the time but about 70% of the time it works.

Most nights I can be found standing inside the bar, just next to the doorway. From this spot I can see a lot of the bar and it makes for some good people watching at times.

So on this night, one of the regulars came up to me, wrapped her arm around me and leaned into my ear. "This little Mexican guy won't leave me alone..."

"This guy behind you?"

She turned and looked, "Yea, guy won't leave me alone and so I told him your my guy."

"I'll keep an eye on him."

She gave me a little kiss and walked off. The guy stood there for a second and looked at me and then walked over to the bar. After about twenty minutes I see him still there and now talking to a blonde girl at the bar. She seemed to be there hanging out with a couple guys. The little guy taps her on the shoulder and starts talking to her. She didn't seem interested and turns her back to him and starts talking to the guys she's with. Well, I guess he took that as an insult.

He tapped her on the shoulder again and started arguing with her. Then one of the two guys got up from his stool and stepped between them. So I stepped over and got in between the two guys. I grabbed the little guys wrist and told him it was time to go.

"Why? I din't do nothing.."

"It's time man, your annoying the ladies and grabbing people. Let's go."

"No, I'm finishin my beer..."

So I grab his beer and toss it into the garbage, "Your beers done, let's go."

He stood there and stared up at me, "Bullshit.. you owe me a beer.."

"I don't owe you anything... you gotta go."

After this the guy with the lady thought he'd add his two cents and look tough for his girl. "Yea man, it's best you leave... I woulda fucked you up!"

I turned to look at him, "Sit down an shut up or you'll be the next one out."

The little guy tried to push through me and I hooked him around the chest and started walking him out the door. I got him out and told him to take off. He stood there and kept staring at me through the door. He tried to come in again and I stopped him again and explained that he needed to move on to another bar. Again, he stood there and kept staring in at me through the door. This time he started puffing up his chest and fired off a punch into the door.

The door shattered into a giant spider web.

I flung the door open and he took off running. Now, when this type of thing happens I don't really think about what might happen. All I was thinking was, 'this fucker just broke my front door and he's going to pay for it!' By pay, I didn't mean kicking his ass, I meant pay the whatever hundred of dollars it would be for a new door.

So I yelled into the bar for Ramone to grab Paulie to watch the door and I took off after him down the street.

Now, I'm no where near being a fast guy. I'm way too big to be fast and light on my feet. I was about half a block behind this guy and all of a sudden Paulie goes flying past me. I see them go around a corner and down a side street. So when I get down there I turn the corner as well and make it to where the street ends. From there they could have went anywhere.

So I looked around for a little bit and checked both ways down the street. When I didn't hear anything and couldn't find any traces I headed back to the bar. I made it a couple blocks and a police cruiser pulled up to the bar so I hurried back. As I got up there a the officers got out of their car and asked if that was the guy that had punched my door.

I stood there, catching my breath, and looked into the back of the car. I smiled and waved at the man sitting there. "Yep, that's the prick."

As the cops were pulling out the paperwork to fill out, Paulie came walking up. He's in far better shape than I am but he was gasping for air just as much, if not more.

So I signed off on the arrest and Paulie pulled out our licenses for the bar and the night was calming down.

Then Stewart steps out of the bar... "Yea, sorry for the news guys, but while you were out, someone shattered the toilet tank..."

Paulie asked if Stewart knew who it was and Stewart said no, but it looked like someone dropped something in there and tried to get it out... with his foot.

Something just didn't smell right about that, since it was the tank that was broken, not the stool.

Walk on...

"No, it doesn't matter to me."

"So, a pair of hot heels says something and that's it? I can't do anything about it?"

"Nope, take a walk."

Reaching into his pocket he pulls out a wad of cash, he starts to flip out $20 bills. "There's nothing I can do to fix this?"

"Man, listen to me. You walk over to a table of ladies and you throw your arm around one and stick your finger in anothers face and call her a bitch. You upset all five of the ladies in less than 5 minutes. I was there watching it all. Number one, 5 ladies outweigh one guy. Number two, any one of those ladies has more pull with me than you do. This is the second time I've had to ask you to leave in a week. I already gave you a second chance now leave."

"This is bullshit you know that. I'll be back."

Five minutes later, I step outside because the douche is still standing on the sidewalk staring into the bar.

"Hey man, walk on."

"Fuck you man, I'm on the sidewalk, city property, I can stay here all night."

"We'll see..."

I stood out there for about 5 minutes when a cop car came rolling by. As I was waving them over I looked at the guy, "Hope you got clean underwear man."

The cops turned around in the street and pulled over by the bar. Before they were done turning the guy was a block away.

"Hey, how's it going Mike?"

"Not too bad guys, can I get you a bottle of water?"

Not tonight...

One of the biggest power trips a doorman has is the right to refuse service to anyone for any reason that person wants.

This is one thing that tends to make a lot of people that have this job nothing more than pricks. The power goes to a lot of their heads. It really shouldn't considering that it's more of a priviledge than a power. But it all depends on the situation and how you look at it.

So when a guy comes walking up with, what looks like a toupee saran wrapped to his head and slightly stumbling I decided not to let him in.

The typical excuses of meeting people inside and coming to the bar for years pour out of his mouth. I told him it didn't matter and that maybe he should try to call them and tell them he would be outside.

With this I got a barrage of insults telling me I didn't know who I was talking to and that I should move back to the state I'm from. Which obviously I could never have grown up here.

I asked him to leave and walked him out the door. Again, he starts off with the insults and asks why he can't come in. I told him he was stumbling too much and to try his luck at another bar.

I walked back in and he again pulls the door open yelling insults at me. He then unzips his pants and starts to reach into them, legs spread as if to urinate on the door. I step towards the door and put my weight into the door. It swings open and comes about an inch from hitting him in the nose.

"Yea! That's right.. come out here... I want you to come out here!!"

I step out to the sidewalk with my flashlight in hand. "Ok, I'm out here. Now what?"

He begins to go on about how much of an asshole I am and that his friends are inside waiting for him. As he still goes on and on I notice a squad car driving by. I raise my hand up and start to flash the squad with my light.

The squad pulls over and asks what the problem is. I explain to them that the man had punched the door and attempted to urinate on it as well. I told them that all I wanted was the man to leave the area.

"All I want to know is why. What's the reason I can't go in the bar!?"

At this point I walked back in the bar as I heard the officer tell the man. "Hey buddy, he's got the right to refuse you service for any reason he wants. Try taking it down the street and don't bother him anymore."

I looked out again and the man had started walking off.

Five minutes later the man came back. This time he sat in his car in front of the bar. As people came in I could hear him yelling for me to come outside. Definitely, I'm stupid enough to walk outside where your sitting in your car. Where you could possibly pull a gun up and blast one into my chest. I'm just that stupid, you fuckin dumbass.

I look out at the man and pull out my cell phone. I make sure he sees me on my phone and I make movements like I'm describing him and his car. He then watches me, flips me the finger and takes off.

Hoping this got him to finally leave I go back to a normal night. If only....

A couple hours later, Phil's up by the door with me. The nights going pretty smooth and then Phil notices something. "Is that the douche bag that tried coming in earlier?"

I turned and looked out the door. Across the street, sitting in his car and staring at the bar is the douche bag.

"Stay inside, I'll see if I can grab some cops." Phil walks out and goes around the corner.

I stay inside the doorway and keep an eye on the car. I already had his plate numbers and his description, along with some witnesses.

As I was looking over the man flipped me the finger again. A semi pulled up to the light, blocking my view of the car. As the semi pulled away the man was being pulled out of the car by a couple of the boys in blue.

They pulled him out of the car, searched him and one officer moved his car and the other put him into the back of the car.

I stepped out in front of the bar as they were turning the car around to head out. The man glared at me from the back of the car. I couldn't resist to just wave to him as he was being carted away.

How stupid do you have to be to get that upset about not being able to get into a bar? There's only about 50 or 60 other bars you could go to and he could have gotten into about half of them.

Maybe the saran wrap was on his head because part of his brain fell out.

Extraction...

Everybody loves a good rock show. The intensity of the music live and in your face. The brews going down faster than if you were just sitting at home with the CD or DVD blaring on your home system. The people in the crowd getting all riled up and the jumping and bumping that goes on in the front of the stage.

Anyone who says they'd rather sit at home and listen to one of their many favorite bands on CD than go and see them live is not a true fan. From classical music to punk and everything in between you'd just rather see them live. There's just something about the electricity that fills the air at a live show.

So now I wonder why you'd be an idiot and get thrown out before that band plays.

The venue is a pretty small place to see bands. It's not a huge place and I've talked before about throwing people out. It's pretty routine. You warn them and if they do it again you throw them out. Then it's up to the front door not to let them back in.

How does the front door know not to let them back in? Well, like many venues there's a no re-entry policy. This is pretty self explanatory. If you leave you have to pay to get back in. Granted people are probably thinking, Shit, I'd just pay and go back in. There's a small flaw to that. If you do get thrown out and you pay to go back in and we see you inside we throw you out again. This time through the front door so they know not to let you back in again.

Our front door staff has been around for a while. Most of them have worked other venues before and know what to look for. I won't say that I'm of that caliber because I won't and the other guys have a few years on me.

Basically, they're looking for the guy with ripped clothing, sweaty clothing, and the talker. The talker is the guy that comes walking back up fast to the door and tries to walk right by the staff. He'll go on about how he shouldn't have been thrown out or his jacket is inside or he needs to let his friends know that he's outside. This guy is usually pretty annoying. The fact is simply but hard to process for these guys. You got thrown out. Your not getting back in.

He'll stand there for a long time trying to persuade his way back in but it doesn't work. He'll offer money, he'll offer his ID up as collateral, one guy even bought a ticket off of someone and tried to come back in. Sooner or later you'll get really annoying and we'll ask you to leave the front of the club. When you don't and you go on your spiel about how it's a free country and you have every right to stand there we'll just point to the No Loitering sign on the wall.

When you don't leave then we'll motion to the next available police officer that is patrolling by. We'll explain to the officer that you got kicked out of the club and won't leave. We'll even tell them that we don't want to press any charges for the broken bottles or elbowing an employee or what ever you did to get kicked out if you'll just remove yourself from our sight.

This is when everyone gets to see what kind of a person you are. You could be a complete asshole and try to get us arrested for the way your removed. Try to play the nice guy card and try to explain to the cops that you just want to tell your friends your leaving and they can go in with you. (Which doesn't work, the cops care about that as much as we do.) Then there's the jag off method.

Keep telling the cops that it's your right to stand where ever you want. Then to show them that you know what your doing stand just past the edge of the club. This way your off our property and you can still talk about our mothers. This is the brilliant thing to do. Especially when the cops are still standing there. Sooner or later one of the door staff will get tired of hearing you call his mother a whore or that he's useless or he'll just get tired of hearing your voice. Then comes the slander.

If you want to talk all kinds of shit then that's great. Did you know that you can be arrested just for telling someone to fuck off? You do now. When the cops come over and ask you to move on or risk being arrested don't question them. Move on.

You could be the next contestant on Who's Tiny's Bunkmate...