Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Corpulent Demoiselle's...

"Do you know who my favorite bouncer is?" She smiled a wide grin as she stared at me.

"I have no idea, can I see your id?" I knew where she wanted this conversation to go but I didn't bite.

"You ask me for this every time I come in here." Her eyebrows came together, pushed up and her bottom lip lowered into a pout position.

"Just doing what I get paid to do." Which wasn't a complete lie but an easy way to get away from the conversation she wanted. I looked at the id for a second and gave it back to her. I recognized her from the many visits she's made to the establishment as of late. "There ya go, have a good time." and I motioned towards the door. She and her friend walked inside.

This scenario has happened a few times lately with different women. I always tend to break off the conversation in a way that I have to do my job. I do this for different reasons. Mostly because I'm sober and they're usually drunk but usually because I just don't find them attractive.

Since I'm at work I don't want to give them a foul taste in their mouth about the establishment. I can't be bluntly honest. It might deter them and their friends from coming back. With the economy the way it is now, it's better for them to come back even if it is to try again. When they do, I'll think of some other way to dodge that bullet.

Not to say that I'll act this way towards every woman that walks in the door. After all, I am a male. Even I can succumb to a pretty face at times. I'm just not very attracted to a woman that could take me in an arm wrestling match or a pie eating contest.

I'm more a fan of the smaller variety.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Front or Back...

Have you ever noticed the difference a position at work changes the way people look at you? I have.

Between working the door and working behind the bar people look at you much differently. Recently I was offered a shift that I've had before at a different venue. I believe it was offered to me in order to keep me quiet and secure. In hopes that I wouldn't get pissed off and just up and leave.

Over the years of talking with Paulie I've made it clear the jobs that I didn't want and the jobs that I wanted. I've said that management was an interest. I've said that a slow bartending night was of interest. I've said that a barback position was never an interest.

Why wouldn't I want a barback position? Well, from my point of view the barback is actually the bartender that stocks the shelves and cooler at the end of the night. Your the bartender that does all the heavy work. Technically, the bartender that doesn't do the stocking is the senior person and only has to tip you out 27% of the tips. Usually on a slow night it's a 46 - 54 split because the barback does get tipped out by the waitress as well.

So of course, the position that was offered to me was the barback position. Which is typical of most clubs that I've worked with. You start out as security, go to barback and if you stick around long enough you get a bartending position. This would all be fine with me if not for one thing. I was promised a management position. Instead it was given to a different person. I was told that the position was given to the other person due to a lack of bartending experience on my part.

My argument is this.

How hard is it to walk up to a person sitting at a bar, ask them what they'd like, serve them, and then put the money in the register. It's not a complicated thing. I'd dare say a person could do this job without as much as a GED. Besides, I've worked in bars and I've worked behind them. Politics corrupt even the venue.

Despite my disapproval, I decided to take the barback position that was offered me. It was easy enough. I walked up to people, asked them what they wanted to drink, served them and put the money in the register. Strange that I could do that so well as a barback but not as a bartender. Throughout the night I stocked the booze and beer.

I did this for a very limited time. I ended up giving up the position on the simple facts that I didn't want to spend more time in the establishment. This shift was added on to all the shifts that I already had there working the door and I didn't want to be there any more than needed. Even though the extra $50 was nice, it wasn't worth being there.

After I gave up the shift I noticed other things. It's strange the amount of attention you get when you're behind the bar. I received phone numbers from women that are still regulars that never paid any attention to me before when I worked the door. Was I really that much different when I worked behind the bar as compared to working the door?

A couple weeks after giving up the bar shift I started getting questions from these same women.

"When do you work behind the bar again?"

"I gave up that shift. It just wasn't worth being here that extra night."

"Oh... ok."

After that I'd see them come in and I'd say hello but they wouldn't have anything to say. I even called one after she had given me her number while I was working behind the bar. She wasn't interested any more.

It's funny, a lot of people seem to think that working the door is the lowest position you can have at a venue. I don't really know why they think that.

The guy at the door talks to every person that walks in. He's the first person that every person sees when they walk in and a lot of time he's the one that will determine if you decide to come in. If he's nice and friendly then you'd come in. If he's pissy then you'll probably decide to go somewhere else. On a busy night, he's the one that determines if you'll be waiting in the line or skipping the line. If you're involved in an argument he can help determine if you leave or stay. He can use some influence in getting you cheap drinks at times.

In my opinion, it's a down grade to take a position where you might make $4 an hour and depend on tips. Especially with the economy in a rut the way it is now. I don't think my landlord or utilities would understand when I don't make enough tips to pay my bills.

Not to say that bartenders don't make decent money. I know some that make $300 - $400 in a 4 hour shift. They're the ones that have the weekend shifts when it's busy. The guys on the slow weeknights usually make between $100 - $200. So sure, if you have a few shifts spread out amongst a few different places there's an opportunity to make some cash.

For me, it's not worth my time to give up a door shift to take a shift where I could make between $50 - $100. Not to forget my $5 hourly... which comes out to be about $15 after taxes if I'm lucky.
Honestly, how many bartenders take any one that hits on them seriously? The bartenders probably get hit on by dozens of people a night. I'm sure there are a few exceptions out there but I'm sure most of the time it's a one nighter and that's it. Not too bad of a trade, sex for cheap drinks.

I found it funny how uninteresting I became after I gave up the shift. I also noticed how many more people wait in line to get in now.

Man, I'm an asshole.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Damn Young'ens...

When I say young'en I mean someone at least 7 years or more younger than myself. An age bracket that I know not to mess with because it's a totally different age. It's the age of drinking and partying and just going out every night. I'm past that stage in my life. I'm out almost every night of the week as it is and I'm babysitting all these kids.

Of course sometimes I get wrapped up in certain ones. I'll admit it, I'm human and worse yet, I'm male. When a little woman comes up to me at work and talks I rarely listen. Unless that talking is being turned into a different direction.

The bad part is, I'm a sucker. When talk gets turned towards the bedroom I rarely even listen. The times I do is when it's early in the night or the person is sober. I tend to ignore when the woman is drunk in any way.

I'm also pretty straight forward about situations. If it's something that might go somewhere I just let things fall and see where they land. If it's something I don't see becoming anything other than a hook up then I make it clear. I've even told girls, "I don't want you to think this is going to became a relationship. I don't want that now." Which basically means with that person. Sex is sex, not much more. I don't want them to get false hopes of a boyfriend.

So the part that annoys me is the ones that are ok with just being "buddies" and then a few weeks later they want more. I guess it's just typical that after a short term of such intimate exposure someone would want more.

That brings on other things. Text messages in the middle of the night. Phone calls in the middle of the day. Occasional appearances at my work. It gets annoying.

For instance. I met this girl. She's all of 23 or 24 years old. She expressed interest in me, we talked and one thing led to another. We hooked up a couple of times and I expressed to her that I didn't want a girlfriend but if she just wanted to hook up that'd be fine with me. No relationship, no ties, just plain old sex upon contact. She's too young mentally for me to take seriously. She also drinks on a daily basis and is a big pot head.

One night at work she showed up. I was standing at the door and she walked in. "Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure, what you need?"

"Well, I wanted to talk about us."

"Us? What about us?"

"Well, I'd like there to be more... us."

"So you want to get together more?"

"Well.. I was thinking we could go to dinner and maybe go to a movie or something."

"Why would we do that?"

"Well... that's what couples do."

"Haha... ok, listen.. We're not a couple. Remember I told you I didn't want anything more than a hook up? I'm not interested in a girlfriend or anything like that."

"Yea... I know.. I was just thinking that things might have changed... I mean, I started to like you a lot and I thought we could do some things..."

"Well... no. We can't. I don't have any of those feelings. We all done now? I'm kinda at work and don't need to be distracted with this."

She ended up leaving after that. I don't blame her, I did the asshole thing and basically told her I didn't want anything to do with her. Just like I did when we first got together. Strange thing how some guys say things and mean what they actually say. Too many women go with it in hopes that they'll change our minds down the road.

A couple nights later the text messages start.

Working tonight?

Yes.

I might stop by to see you.

Ok.

Maybe we can talk?

I'm at work. Not a place to talk.

It's ok. I just want to hang out, not have sex.

I have nothing to talk about.

Of course she didn't show up. I turned off the channel of communication because I literally had nothing to talk about. I'm not going to say we can talk and give her hopes that we will. I'm also not going to give her the hopes and then try to just get laid. I'm not that type.

Plain and simple it's the easiest way to be. Ladies, if a guy tells you he just wants to hook up occasionally then believe, that all he wants, is to hook up occasionally. He's not secretly hoping that it could turn into a marriage or even a relationship. Remember this, even if it lasts for 6 months or more. He likes what's going on and how it's going on. If you have a change of heart tell him.


I've only known of a few rare instances where it actually worked out differently.

Monday, June 09, 2008

The Incoherent Mind...

I don't understand a lot of people. I guess that's just how I work. I see things, a lot of things. It's what I do. I watch and talk to a lot of people. I see the things they do and I notice a lot about people. I paste the events together and I get to see a lot of the darker side of them. I see a lot of the bad and not a lot of the good. I also see a few people in the opposite way and even fewer in both.

A friend of mine just went through a rough time. She had to kick her boyfriend out of their apartment. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later and I'm glad it did. He was a slacker and very much still a 12 year old.

He would come into the establishment on some of her nights. He would complain if she didn't pay enough attention to him. He would follow her from table to table as she waitressed and hang on her. He even dry humped her as she was trying to take orders on occasion. I tried to talk to her about it but she was overcome by the attention and was actually happy about it.

As time went on he got worse. His drinking got heavier and he became even more childish with every drink. Next thing you know he's taking his shirt off and acting like a monkey.

One night I pulled him out and around the side of the establishment. I had flashbacks of my father as I had one hand on his shoulder and my right index finger about a half an inch away from his eyeball.

"Listen to me. Quit fucking up in here."

"What? I'm just having a good time, people are laughing."

"I don't give a fuck who's laughing and who's trying to have a good time. I'm telling you to straighten the fuck up."

"Mike... listen man, we're just having a good time.."

At this point I squeezed his shoulder and dug my thumb in to hit the pressure point right in the area of where his shoulder meets his neck.

"Good time? At who's expense??" He started to talk and I squeezed that pressure point more and his knees started to buckle. "Listen to me now. Shut your fuckin mouth and listen. You take your shirt off one more time, you follow her around all night, or even think about dry humping her in front of customers and your ass will be out here faster than you've ever imagined it could be. You've only been allowed to slide this far because of her. Your sliding days are over. I don't give a shit who you are anymore. Now your just another piece of shit."

"But she likes the attention... she said it makes her feel better when I'm here..."

"You really fuckin believe that by degrading her it's a good thing? Are you fuckin stupid? I don't care what she says. Do that shit at home, don't ever do it here again. I'll lay your ass down on this sidewalk."

A month or two later I found out that he wasn't paying his bills or his part of the rent. I didn't hear it from Maria, I heard it from other staff members. I guess after I treated her boyfriend like a 6 year old she didn't want to talk to me about him anymore. She was afraid I might have another talk with him on a more serious matter, so I waited.

A couple more months went by and I heard about it again. He still wasn't paying his bills or his half of the rent. He works in the industry as well and he works at a fairly busy place. I kept wondering why he couldn't pay his share. It started to bother me even more when I kept hearing Maria say she couldn't do certain things because she was juggling bills. I've known Maria for a few years now and she never once had a problem with bills and such. I could also tell when she was upset.

One night her boyfriend came walking up with a few co-workers. He was all smiles as they walked up. I said hello to most of the co-workers and then it was his turn to walk in. He put his hand out for me to shake. I took a good look at him and said, "You need to make sure you scrub your face after work." Either he didn't hear me or he didn't care, under his nose was a white powdery substance.

That's when a lot more things started to come to light. I always figured he was either hyper active or a coke head but now I knew for sure. The little bastard wasn't paying his bills because he was snorting it all away.

As time went on he'd be quiet and every once in a while I'd have to set him off to the side. Information on what was going on was becoming more scarce as Maria quit talking to certain people. As information became less available I had to start interpreting things.

Maria started to become more lax at work. She was never a drinker or a drug user the whole time I've known her. Now all of a sudden she was drinking more and she was even smoking weed. It started to draw even more attention to her. I tried to talk to her about it and her answer usually entailed trying to fit in with her boyfriend and his friends. This just blew my mind. I can fully understand doing new things to fit in with your significant other. I can't understand drinking or doing drugs to fit in. To me that's just a sign of a weakness.

Finally a night came when there was a foul smell in the air. With the smoking ban it's very easy to smell cigarettes or any other funky smelling fumes. Low and behold, in the back of the establishment at one of the tables, the boy had a one hitter and was smoking weed. He was automatically ejected from the establishment. When I asked why I was told that Maria asked Casper not to tell me why. I told Casper to tell me because I'd find out anyways.

The next night he came by and I pulled him to the side again. He tried to apologize and I interrupted.

"Shut up. I don't ever want to hear the words I'm sorry come out of your mouth again. You wouldn't be doing this shit if you were. Don't you understand that when you fuck up in here, you don't just make you look bad, you make Maria look bad too?"

"But.. what?"

"Your her fuckin boyfriend. Your the one she chooses to be with and you make her look like a fuckin idiot for being with you. Your actions make people think less of her."

"No.. listen man, I was really fucked up that night..."

"Is that your fuckin excuse for not paying your bills? Is it your excuse for walking up here with coke all over your face? For taking your clothes off? For being a fuckin dirtbag? You know you can't be smoking weed in here. You know you can't be fuckin around. This is the last time I'm talking to you about any of this."

"Ok, ok... can I go inside?"

He went inside and ten minutes later he and Maria are outside arguing for a few minutes and he left. Maria didn't talk to me for a few days after that. Paulie and I had several talks about him and about how the next time would be the last time we'd put up with his bullshit. Boyfriend or not some one has to draw a line and since this is a work place we were ready to do that.

A few weeks later another incident occurred. This time it involved a regular punching the boy. Seems he was trying to push the regulars buttons and pushed it well enough that the regular pushed back, with his fist. The boy was removed and told not to come back.

Maria seemed much happier at work after that. She even started smiling and laughing more than she had been in the past month or two. Next thing you know, she's telling me about how she's kicking the boy out of the apartment and that they're broken up. I told her that it was the right thing to do and if she needed any help dealing with him to let me know.

She told me about the money he owed her. I told her to keep certain things of his until he paid up or to just keep enough of his things to kind of settle the debt. Conveniently he doesn't own anything of value.

Hopefully he starts paying back some of this money he owes her. Then again, I wouldn't mind having another talk with him. Maybe drive a few more points home and instill them into his head.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

No man's land...

"You see that cougar down there?"

"The one in green or the one in blue?"

"The green... get her out of here."

It was guaranteed that someone did something stupid when Billy wanted someone out of the bar. "What'd she do?"

"Man, I was standing half way down the bar and she walked up behind me and grabbed me."

"She was behind the bar?"

"Yea man, get her out of here."

Any person that has been in a bar more than once knows you don't go behind it. It's pretty much common sense to everyone. Would you go behind the counter at a McDonald's and make your own burger?

So I walked over to the older lady and stopped next to her. "It's time to go hun."

"What?"

"Get your shit and let's head out."

"What'd I do?"

"You know better than to go behind the bar."

This woman was in her mid to late 40s. I already had it on the tip of my tongue just waiting for her to say something. She looked up at me from her barstool. "I didn't know I couldn't go back there..."

"Your going to tell me, that in your 40 some years you never pieced together that you can't go behind the bar?"

"Well, we were all joking around..."

"So if you joke around with your bank teller you can go behind the counter at your bank?"

"Well.. no.. but.."

"Get your shit and lets go. I'm done with this."

She sat there looking at her friend with a surprised look on her face.

I guess I was having an off night. After she didn't move I reached down and grabbed her purse, "Come on. Let's go."

"You don't have to be rude," she got up and started to put on her coat, "I'm leaving. See?"

"Not fast enough."

It was relatively painless as she left. Her friends even left right after that and apologized for her. I only accept the apologizes to get them away from me. After they're all gone Billy comes back over.

"Hey man, sorry about that. She was just getting more annoying as time went. Just glad she finally fucked up. It's hard to ignore people when they're right there."

"No problem bud, that's what I'm here for."

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Search Terms: Why not to Date your Doorman...

Every once in a while I like to look and see what some of the search terms people use to find this site. There's a lot of them that find this site from terms like "shaved head", "skin head", "how to tip the doorman", and "how to become a bouncer".

The interesting one that I recently found was "Why not to date your doorman".

This actually brought a smile to me. Someone actually went on Google and searched reasons why they shouldn't date a doorman. Now, the term doorman could mean the type of doorman that works at a high rise type of building also. More people associate the term doorman with that type of job than they do a bouncer. I prefer the term doorman because I'm not a bruiser or gorilla.

So let's explore this a little more.

Why shouldn't you date a doorman? I guess it's up to you really. There are a few factors to consider though.

Let's say you do hook up with your doorman at your favorite bar or club.
  • Will that change things?
  • Will it make things hard for him to do his job?
  • Will it make your time there different?
  • If you start dating will you want to hang all over him while he's trying to do his job?
  • If things turn to the worse will you not go there anymore?
  • What if he's really a jerk?
  • What if he doesn't "party" like you do?
  • What if you just don't get along?
These might be strange things to think about but they've been some things that have come up. For instance, Late Night Rendezvous hasn't been seen since that night. Extra Fun Tips has been back but certain "tips" have been found and she no longer can come around. Sueann came back, she talked a little too much crap and she's not returning either.

As a doorman there are things I think about as well. I take it a little more to the extreme than most though.
  • Is this girl a regular?
  • Does she spend lots of money?
  • How many other employees has she been with?
  • Is she a nut job?
  • Is it worth anything?
  • Does she bring in business?
  • Do I want to know more personal things about her?
Basically, I don't care about what these girls might say about me. The people that know me or need to know me.... know Me. The entire population can think what they want but they don't matter.

I guess what I'm getting at is that you should think more about the long term factors. The less the security staff knows about you the better. When things are found out they're easier to find.

I've never been that doorman that goes for the free round of sex or the blow job in the alley to let you in. I tend to have a little more integrity I guess. That might mean that I don't get to "dish" out the dirt on certain beautiful women but I'm happy about that. The less I know the longer people tend to stick around.

Granted, there is always that flaw in any design. I obviously can't say that I've never taken anyone up on their offers. I'm just more discreet about it. I don't believe that everyone needs to know everything that's going on. The less people know about me the easier my job is.

If I did take up more of these offers life would be more crazy. Then again, I've seen enough crazy for now.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Late Night Rendezvous...

"So what are you doing after you leave here?"

"Probly heading home."

"You should stop over." She smiled and gave me a little wink from the bright blue eyes that were hiding behind her mop of a haircut. Sally had become a bit of a regular as of late and I've kept the weirdos away from her on a number of times.

"Having a little get together?"

"No, just a couple of people. We'll probably just be sitting around watching movies."

"We'll see, I'm not sure when I'll get out of here."

"Here, take my number. Call me when your leaving and I'll let you know where I am." She smiled and I took her number. Then she walked out with a little over the shoulder smile and a coy wave.


45 minutes later I was done with the things I needed to do. I contemplated whether or not I really wanted to call her. Next sound I heard was Sally's voice on the other end of the line. It sounded triumphant and happy. "So, your gonna come over?"

"Yea, why not. I'll be up late anyways."

"Cool, we'll my address is _______________. It's right over by that old little mom an pop grocery store."

"Ok, I'll be over in a little bit. Lot of people show up?"

"Nah, just my two friends and a couple guys that I don't even know."


25 minutes later I'm knocking on her door. She answers still in the same clothes she had on before. Of course she is, what should she have changed into? We said our hellos, hugged and I walked in.

The apartment was a really nice spot. It had an old building feel and a new building look. In the kitchen stood the two guys that she didn't know. Both in their mid to late 30's and neither of them looked like the could even try to be trouble or their corporate mid level jobs would get rid of them.

We both walk into the kitchen and I introduce myself to the two guys. One recognizes me and the other goes on about how I had thrown him out a year prior. He laughed about the story and I stood there. I remember him after he told the story. I remember even more, how annoying he was.

As I stood there talking to the guys Sally walked off to the bathroom. I could hear her talking to her friends. I could also hear another noise. I sniffing type of noise. Someone was either sick or party favors were being distributed.

"I don't think he'll be interested."

"You never know until you ask."

"I'm not asking him."

About that time a short little portly girl came walking out to the kitchen. As she came walking out she motioned to the bathroom and said, "Party's ready boys." She stopped, wiped her nose and looked at me. "Interested?"

I looked at her and with a blank face simply said, "Not at all."

As the guys walked towards the bathroom I could hear the sniffing continue and Sally walked out. Her hand was coming down from her face and she walked over to me and pushed her friend to the side. "Sorry about her, she's a little different." They giggled and play fought a little.

Sally reached over and grabbed my hand, "So what are you doing?" She looked at me with wide eyes and a grin.

"I was just thinking that I should be going."

With that I grabbed my stuff and started out the door.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Gimme a second man....

"Hey Mike, I got a live one for ya." I turn to see Alice smiling, her pale complexion and sharp nose always makes me think of the Joker when she smiles. "There's a guy an a girl in the women's room."

I motion to Paulie to come over to the door. When he walks up I ask him to watch the door and I head to the back. I get to the women's room and pound on the door a quick three times.

"Occupied!" is all I hear through the door in a man's voice.

I pull out my ring of keys and find the one for the women's room. Slide the key in and turn it until it clicks. I start to pull the door open and it gets pulled closed from the inside. I pull harder on the door the second time and it flies open.

Inside the one stall bathroom a man stands. Kneeling in front of him is a young woman with a mouthful of man.

The man pipes up, "Hey man! I said it was occupied, take off!" He starts to reach for the door.

As he reaches for the door I grab his wrist and pull him off center. The girls head goes with his hips as if they were sewn together. As he starts to turn and fall I hook him under both armpits and start dragging him out of the bathroom and across the bar. I hear a loud "schlop" noise as the girl falls back away from him.

I start yelling "Coming through!" as I drag the man, with his pants and underwear still around his ankles, through the establishment to the door. Before I can make it to the front door Paulie already has it open and I drag the man outside. Once we make it to the cold January weather outside I drop the guy on the sidewalk in the snow, salt and slush. He jumps up and hurriedly pulls his pants and underwear up and starts off down the block without a word to say.

I walk back in and head to one of the tables in the rear of the establishment. The girl is now sitting in the middle of a table with people on both sides of her. I lean over the table, "Hun, it's time to go."

She looks back at me with her doe eyes, "Why? Did I do something wrong?" Her friends all look confused and try to stick up for her.

I always try to be nice. I'll even try to hide your embarrassment from your friends but I'll only try once. If you deny I won't pull any punches and let it all out for everyone to hear.

"Listen, you were just blowing some guy in the bathroom. Very well from what I could see. But now it's time to go and come back on a different day." Her friends all looked at her and her face turned bright red.

The girl got up, got her things and left.

As I went back to the door Paulie was still there laughing. "Man, you really know how to embarrass the fuck out of people don't you?"

"Hey, the way I figure, word spreads fast about what happens at places like this. If you embarrass a few people then people know whats in store for them if they pull off the same shit. Kinda makes things easier when it's a big production instead of a small quiet one."

"Yea.. ok.. just don't pull that shit when the owners are here." Paulie still had a big smile on his face. "You should have seen that guys face when you dropped him in that snow an shit. Ha Ha Ha..."

The entire establishment had something to talk about the rest of the night. People were even asking me if I knew the girl's name.

Later that night she stopped by and apologized. I told her it wasn't a big deal and to stop by again on a different day. She said she would. As she started to leave she tried to give me a kiss good bye.

I politely refused saying that I knew where that mouth had been earlier.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

A slight tick away from perfection...

One thing I learned from a life long friend is this. "If it's not perfect then it's not right." That could be used in many different ways but he was referring to women.

He got married just a few months ago to the girl that he thinks is his perfect match. As far as I'm concerned, I'm glad he's happy. I have nothing to say about his new wife except that she is a great person and to marry him, she must be perfect.

His general rule of thumb seems to have worked great for him. My general rule of thumb? Give it a shot. If the sex is great, then you can put up with some of the idiocrasies. Horrible rule of thumb, I know, I'm still learning...

One thing I never understood are the girls that are dominatrices. Sure, I understand that some men like feeling like shit about themselves. They need that in order to feel superior to others or just to feel good about themselves. What I don't understand are the two extremely attractive girls I know that do the job.

After a very frustrating night at work I met up with Sueann. She's a Dominatrix who goes by a different name. A name that I won't even speak of here but it begins with Mistress and ends with some dark, brooding, evil twang.

The night at work was very frustrating. We had several people removed from the bar and a couple fights. Needless to say I was pretty pent up after a night of throwing people around. All I really wanted to do was go home and fall asleep on the couch as I watched a rerun on tv. After the second fight at the bar she came up and started talking to me. She was very persuasive in getting my attention and after only a couple minutes she had it, fully. She could have distracted a fat man at a pie eating contest. She was wearing a tight black corset with red fringe, thigh high black stockings, a mini skirt and those boots most commonly known as hooker heels. Her hair was black as night and pulled back tight in a pony tail. Her face was angelic with that little spurt of evil slowly dribbling out around her eyes and mouth.

She managed to talk me into taking her and her other dominatrix friend out to breakfast. Every word that came out of her mouth was sultry and full of innuendos. She spoke of things that I could only have dreamt of. She talked of how she wanted a man that could throw her around and have his way with her.

We went to breakfast after I got out of work and she sat next to me and her lone friend sat across from us at the table. Her friend couldn't decide if she wanted to talk or eat and in between forks of food her mouth wouldn't stop. Then her phone rang and she was off like a race horse chattering into the small cell phone. Meanwhile, Sueann's hands explored the lowlands that they found under the table.

Sueann's friend finally got off the phone and announced that she was going to leave. She jumped up from the table and ran out the door leaving me with the bill. I paid the bill and then Sueann and I were off. In the car I asked where I could take her and she looked at me and answered easily. "I'm staying with you tonight."

I parked my car a block away from the homestead and we walked in. As we got into the front door the heels started coming off and the thigh highs were on their way. Our jackets fell into a pile and my shirt was next. Then she ran off to the bathroom.

After about 5 minutes I decided to just sit on the couch and turned on the tv. I slowly start to nod off after another 15 minutes. Next thing I know I open my eyes and shes sitting on the other end of the couch crying.

"Whoa, whats the matter?"

"I don't know why I do this," her sobbing blotted out most of the words.

"Do what?"

"I s sh shouldn't be here... I need to leave..."

I sat up and put my arm around her for comfort. "If you think you should leave then feel free. If you want to stay the night you can."

"No funny business?" Her eyes looked like they were in awe or confusion.

"None at all. Besides, how good can it be if your bawling your eyes out?"

She laughed a little, "Eh he... I guess, usually that's how the guys want to be acting." She smiled a little more.

"Not this one, I just want to pass out."

The next morning I woke up right where I fell asleep on the couch. Sueann wasn't next to me though. I looked and she wasn't in my bedroom either. Then I went on to check my pockets and the money and valuables I had at the apartment. Everything was present and accounted for.

I walked into the kitchen and found a note.

Mike,

I'm sorry your such a pussy and couldn't take what you wanted from such a small helpless girl. Not to worry, I'll see to it that everyone finds out what a piece of shit you really are. To believe that you wouldn't even sleep with me. Don't you know that I wanted it to happen? That's why I came here. You must be gay.

Mistress ________


Talk about your nut jobs.

This incident firmly justifies my reasoning to stay clear of girls who want to be or are a Dominatrix. Something just tells me that there has to be some kind of unbalance inside there. Some kind of mistreatment that just disturbed them to the core. Of course this doesn't go for all the women that are Dominatrices but I will say that it probably goes for the ones I know.

So I can now add Dominatrix to the not perfect list.

If it's not perfect, it's not right.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Your not that cute honey...

"Yea, I used to use it in eye drops."

"Really?"

"Yea, it was the easiest way to do it and not get caught. What's your story?"

"My story? I guess I don't really have one. I'm the guy that's always around and rarely noticed."

"That sounds pretty boring."

"Yea... so does putting LSD in your eyes. In fact, that just sounds fuckin stupid."

Friday, November 02, 2007

Extra Fun Tips...

"Would it be cool if I got a ride home with you?"

There are times that I give people rides after work. I figure I'm up and awake anyways and I'm usually not going to bed anytime soon. I don't do it for everyone usually people that have been coming to the establishment for a while or friends. It's kind of a perk for them to want to come by. They know they get taken care of. If they're too wasted though I tell them some story and put them in a cab. I don't want them puking in my car.

"Sure, just give me a few minutes to finish up and we'll get goin."

She's a very attractive woman. She had on a sheer dress and she has a very good looking body. So I went off to finish the things I do at the end of the night and she sat at the bar to wait for me. I finished up rather quick since she was waiting and out the door we went. Conversation was pretty dull on the way to the car. I stop at the passenger side door, unlock it and open the door for her. She gets in and I walk around to the driver side, unlock it and get in.

I get in the car and she starts to say thank you for the ride when I look over. I quickly look away as I pull on my seat belt and say, "Hun, you might want to fix your dress." Somehow when she got in her dress magically moved up. It was up enough that the mystery of panties or no panties was solved.

Her face turned red and she apologized. I told her there wasn't a need for an apology. It's not like I haven't seen that region before.

So I start up the car and sit there for a minute or two for it to warm up. "Ok hun, which way am I going to get you home?"

"Well, did you want to hang out tonight?" She sat there smiling at me.

"Ok, what did you have in mind? Breakfast?"

"We could do that. I'm a big fan of just hanging out somewhere and watching a movie. Wouldn't mind having another drink but I don't have anything at home. I mean I'm not looking for a relationship or anything."

"I think I have a few beers at my house. Shall we?"

There's been a million opportunities for me to be in this very situation. I've been in this situation only a couple times. I don't really like it.

So we get back to my place, I grab a couple beers out of the fridge and turn on a movie. We sit there and talk a little. Well, she mainly does the talking, the girl just wouldn't shut up.

"I'm really glad that we get to hang out. I always see you at work and never get to talk to you. So have you ever been tipped so people can get in?"

"Sure, it tends to happen."

"I have a customer that comes in occasionally and he's always leaving me extra tips."

"Tips are always a good thing."

"Yea, he always leaves me special tips. I don't mind sharing them if you want." Her eyes kind of lit up when she said that. At the same time I realized what extra tips meant.

"That's ok, you should keep that for yourself."

"Well, I don't like partying by myself. We can have a really good time," she moves closer.

"My partying years are way past me. I have no need for it."

Then she just kept yapping away for the next hour. She went on about things that I didn't give two shits about. Her schooling, her background, her family, all the places she's lived and then to top it all off, her boyfriend.

"Wait, hold on. You got a boyfriend?"

"Well yea."

"So why are you here?"

"Well, we're just hanging out."

"Ok... but your still here. The bars are closed and your here."

"Oh, we don't live together or anything."

Then she's off on another tangent about something. I start to get really bored at this point. "I hate to interrupt but it's gettin pretty late. I do need to get up early to do some things."

"Oh... ok. I can go. You sure you don't want to share?"

"I'm good. At least now you have more for you an your boy."

I walk her to the curb and wait until she gets a cab.


Just another reason why I steer clear of women who work in the industry.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Driving...

"Mike, you have to pull over. We've been driving for at least 5 minutes."

"I don't have to pull over until I feel comfortable pulling over."

"Your gonna get arrested."

"For what? I'm not speeding any more... and I'm waitin till I come up to some street lights."

"I'm sure your just causing more of a scene."

"Yea, cause out here in the middle of no where there's a lot of people to cause one for."

A while back I went on a little road trip with a friend. We had to hit a couple highways to get where we were going and these roads went right out to the middle of no where. Every 5 or 6 miles you might see a house off in the distance. As per the norm, I was speeding. I don't think I ever go the actual limit anyways so it was about time for me to get caught.

Somewhere along the line a cop caught me with his radar and his lights popped on. I wasn't about to just pull over in the middle of no where without any lights around. So I kept driving until I found one. I think I found a street light after about twenty minutes. I pulled over just pass the light so that the police cruiser could pull under the light. I got my insurance card and license out and got ready for the questioning that I knew was about to begin as the officer tapped on my window. I rolled down my window and waited.

"How are we tonight guys?"

"Doing just fine officer."

"I was wondering if you had forgotten about me back there. Any reason why we waited so long to pull over?"

"Sorry, new to the area. Just wanted to get to a place where there was a little light."

"That's understandable. Can you step out of the car sir."

I stepped out of the car and walked with him to the trunk of my car. We stood there for a little bit and after a few more questions about where we were going I got a little surprise.

"So... I'm gonna see you at the little get together then right?" I just stood there looking at him. "You said your in town for a little get together with friends right? I'm guessing I'll be there as well."

Then I took a hard look at his name tag. Not really sure why I hadn't before, it's usually common practice for me. "Holy shit. When did they let you become a cop?" A grin came out from both of us we shook hands. "I haven't seen you in a long ass time."

"Yea, well after the shit we used to pull I figured I'd be the best at catching the new kids."

We stood there and talked for at least another half an hour before he noticed that my friend was getting anxious. "Looks like she's bout to spring a leak," he said as he nodded in through the back window.

"Eh, let her. She thinks I was trying to cause a scene by making you follow me."

We talked a little while longer and then we said our good byes. I got back in my car and he drove past us down the road.

"What the hell was that all about? I thought you two were gonna make out or something."

"Oh that? That was a good friend of mine. He was hopin you'd have to piss so much he'd get to use his tazer on ya." I had to chuckle a little with that image flashing through my head. Her jumping out of the car bitching for us to hurry up so she could to the bathroom. Then him getting startled, or annoyed, and pulling out his tazer and using it on her.

"Yea, what ever. Hurry up and get me to a bathroom will ya?"

"There's plenty of trees and corn over there." With that I got an eyeballs through the roof of her skull look.

"I know your joking. Drive."

I had a feeling that whole friendship was a joke after that. Sometimes it's good to remember where your from and where your going.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Cynicalities I...

How many times have guys been made fools of for the sake of women? Some people might think that it's normal and that's just how it works. Some guys think it's ok because it's cute. Well, what about when it's not cute anymore?

I've seen some interesting things when it comes down to the pursuit of momentary happiness. I've seen guys get put into fights and guys get brushed off like dandruff. I've also seen guys get brushed off like dandruff after getting into a fight for some woman they didn't even know.

It's just funny to me how guys can be turned around and led astray without much trouble. It's been known for decades that women have more power over men so I'm not saying anything untrue. I've been in that situation as well many years ago. Then I became cynical and I'm now waiting to see if there is a woman that can prove me wrong.

Now I'm not going to sit here and say that every woman is like that. In fact, I'll say that about 70% of the women I know are not like that. They're also women that I wouldn't see myself getting all caught up over. I'd help them out if they needed it but other than that I don't think I'd go far out of my way for them.

I just find it funny how some guys will go out of their way to try and stand up for some woman they don't know. What is there to gain? A roll in the hay? A night of pleasure? Really? Is it that big of a deal? Hey, I'm a guy too and I don't mind a good night of sex but it's not that important to me to find some woman I don't even know. Consider this, if she's willing to put you through hoops to give it to you then she's been willing to do that to just about any guy.

Two things I've remembered over time.
  • No matter how gorgeous a woman is. Some guy is tired of her shit.
  • When kissing a woman you don't know. You might be kissing the guy she just went into the side alley with.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Excuses...

Standing outside of the bar during the busy part of the night you get to hear a lot of excuses. They're usually all excuses as to why they should be let into the establishment before the other 40 to 50 people that are waiting in line to get in. Here's just a few of them.

"I'm really good friends with the bartender." - Really? Maybe you should know their name or call them to come let you in.

"The bar manager is expecting me so we can talk about pricing." - Really? You should probably do that during non-business hours. Oh, and what's the manager's name?

"I'm a really cute girl and I only have 3 guy friends with me." - If your cute enough, I'll let you in. Your 3 guy friends can go wait in line.

"Do you do anything for 'industry'?" - I do help out industry people. It does depend on where you work and if I've heard of it. If I haven't heard of it then there's not much I can do. If other employees talk about it I'll try to help you out.

A group of 5 guys. - Unless you got at least $60 or more to grease the wheels, I'm not doing anything for you.

A group of ladies. - I'll try to get you in. Everything moves faster with a little grease.

A group of attractive, scantily clad ladies. - You'll be in within minutes.

"I used to work here and just want to check it out." - Look through the window as you wait in line. If I've never worked with you, you've never worked here.

"You know me man, I'm here all the time." - Doesn't matter how often your here if your not a friend of the establishment. There are still people waiting.

One of the best lines I've heard so far is the most obvious one to date.

A little waif of a girl came walking up to me during the busiest part of the night. With her big doe eyes she looked up at me and leaned into me. "Hi, is Mike here?"

"I'm sorry hun. I haven't seen Mike all night. Can I help you?"

"Well... Mike told me that if it was busy to just come up to him and he would get me right in. So I just wanted to see him."

"Well, I haven't seen him all night. Sorry, but your gonna have to wait a little while."

"It's ok." Then she went to the end of the line and waited. After 20 minutes she made it to the front of the line and I asked her for her i.d. After I looked at her i.d. and gave it back to her, she asked "What's your name?"

"My name's Mike, hun."

She dropped her head and walked into the establishment.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Innuendos...

Speaking in innuendos is a tricky and fun way to go about the night. There's always a way to say something without really saying it. I think I've touched on it before in a more general way in a previous post a while back. Innuendos are usually pretty subtle and only a handful of people tend to catch them they way they should. At work I tend to use innuendos a lot to talk to people I work with and the occasional person that comes to the door. It's an even more fun conversation with a girl that loves to talk the same way.

This little lady is a gamer and loves her new Nintendo Wii. As she's walking out she stops to talk a little bit. "Ok, I guess I'm gonna head home.."

"What's at home?"

"Well, I got that nice hard thing at home to put in my hand. You know, I have a Wii at home now."

"Really? I don't have a hard stick at home to play with."

"Oh, I'm sure there is one. It just needs a little prodding."

"No... I don't have a Wii at home... just an old Xbox. Even it needs some prodding to warm up."

"Well... maybe you should come over and play with mine."

"Honestly, if you have a hard stick that you want me to play with... I'll have to look at you in a whole new way." With that I get a laugh and a smack on the arm.

"Oh, you know you'd love it if I did," and with a wink she started walking away.

Conversations like that are far and between but they're great for the ego and soul. There aren't many people that will usually have a playful conversation like that because most take it too seriously.

Later that night I got a text that said, "My stick broke, can I play with yours?"

To which I replied with, "LOL"

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Processing of numbers...

It's very rare these days that I entertain the idea of actually going out on a date. I've become very cynical about the concept of dating. There are too many different forms of dating and there doesn't seem to be many people left with the same ideas of it as I have. I guess I'm the old school version compared to the new action packed city version.

I'm not the type of person to date more than one person at a time. It's just confusing and extremely embarrassing if you say the wrong name to the wrong person. It's easier to keep things on a one to one standard. That's not the only thing that's better to have as a one to one standard. I'm not the type to sleep around with more than one lady at a time either. It's just safe practice. Then again, if all women were ladies...

Yea... I'm a doorman, a "bouncer", and I work in bars. Doesn't mean I'm completely stupid, want to fight all the time or need to have sex all the time. Granted.. if I could, I would. Just not with everyone in the neighborhood.

There are certain types or ladies that catch my eye. Like most types of people they usually stick to their neighborhoods or the places that tend to lean to their preference in music and lifestyle. All the different places I work or have worked have never been the type of places that have attracted the type of ladies that I'm more attracted to. Which I guess could be a good thing.

So occasionally a lady will be out of her environment and she'll stumble her way into one of the places I work. I always take notice and still I won't go out of my way to make an impression. I just stand there, check her i.d. and welcome her to the establishment. I'll make a little talk and try to get a smile from her, which works about 80% of the time. After that it's out of my hands. I don't pester her, I don't have drinks taken to her table and I don't keep an eye on her. I just go back to standing at my post and doing what I get paid to do. On a couple of occasions I've had a lady come back up to me and she'll open up a conversation. By the end of the conversation she knows things she wanted to know and sometimes even more. At the end of the night she leaves usually saying that she'll see me soon. Rarely do I see them again.

If they do come back I welcome them to the bar, check their i.d. and act surprised that they are back. I usually do this by bringing up some kind of quirk that we talked about. We talk a little bit and she goes into the bar. When I make it inside she comes up and we talk and I either notice what she's drinking or I ask her. Then later when it looks like she might be getting bored at her table or she might be leaving I ask the waitress to go over and ask her if she wants a drink and that the doorman is buying. Sweet guy, right?

A couple hours later it's last call. She's still hanging out and we've talked a couple times. The lights have come up and it's time for everyone to leave. She walks up and grabs my arm, "How late do you have to be here?"

"Well, I have to get everyone out of here and then clean up a little. Maybe an hour or so until I can take off."

"Oh.. can't someone else do that for you? I really want to hang out with you tonight."

"Well, they could but I'd rather they didn't. How bout we switch numbers and we can hang out tomorrow sometime during the day."

"I'm busy tomorrow but I do want your number. I really want to hang out with you."

She's not comfortable giving me her number so I just give her mine. Then she gives me a little peck on the cheek and she heads out.

I don't hear from her until this night happens.

Typical. People wonder why I get cynical about women.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Late Night Call...

No matter what happens, it's not usually a good idea to call someone at home because you can't get into a bar. There's usually a really good reason why you can't get into the bar, especially if I can hear it in your voice over the phone.

"Hey Mike... thiz guy won led me in dhe bar... can you tell im thad I'm ok?"

"What?"

"Dis guy here.. he won led me in dhe bar... tell im thad I'm ok..."

"I tell you what, put him on the phone."

"Hey Mike, listen..."

"Hey man, sorry to interrupt but just nod your head like I'm talking and then give her the phone back and don't let her in. She really as fucked up as she sounds?"

"Oh yea."

"Cool, I'll see ya in a day or two."

There has to be better reasons for calling me at 12:30 am. At least I'd like to think so. How did this chic even get my number is what I'd like to know. There's plenty of other reasons to be calling me at that time of night. Granted, I'm still awake but that's not the call I want to get.

If it's that important that you get into the bar then you need to re-evaluate your priorities sweet heart.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Let's get dinner some time....

There are a few things that bother me. Most of them separate between work and life.

I'm not the guy that typically works in a bar or a nightclub in a security position. I don't take a liking to my job due to the power that comes with it. Power means nothing to me. Why? Because away from work I'm no one just like you. I take comfort in knowing that. I know that once I step away from which ever establishment I'm working at I'm just another person riding a bus, walking down the street or driving down the road. I'm no one special when away from work. While I'm at work I'm the one person everyone wants to know.

I get a lot of "We should hang out" or "Let's get dinner some time". I get it so often that when I hear it now I usually just brush it off as someone else trying to get nice with the bouncer. They think that false guarantees will get them in faster, free drinks or they'll be upgraded so they can skip the line. It doesn't work like that.

I'll tell you now, the fastest way to be remembered by a bouncer or doorman is cash. Good ole green paper money. Now I'm not talking about being cheap here either. Depending on the number of people that are with you will depend on how much you will need to be remembered. On a typical scale the best way to be remembered is about $20 a head. But... if the club has a cover charge for the night then the typical scale would be twice the amount of the cover per person.

Now depending on the club it's all different. Your best bet would be to actually show up early and talk with the door staff. Show up on a slow night and talk to the guy at the door. Chances are he's the same guy that's there on the weekends to but bring that up in conversation. If the guy acts like he doesn't want to hear a word your saying then he probably doesn't and your shit out of luck.

I hate to admit this part. I really do because at some clubs it works like a charm but it only works for the ladies. Ladies... show off what was given to you. Either it was given to you at creation or you've bought it but it does work at a lot of clubs.

Clubs want hot ladies there. It's a proven fact that if there are women there, men will show up and spend even more money. I've even let groups of women skip the line just so the guys see what is in store. Of course, I'm more the type that only wants to see it if I can have it. And I rarely see anything I want by the end of the night.

Sorry hun, your wasted, I'm sober.

So now that I've gone off on a tangent...

I really don't want to hear about how we should hang out or we should go out some time. I really don't. I hear it a lot and I've followed up on a few of them. It usually ends up with responses such as how busy they were at work and how tired they are and don't want to go out. That's fine. I hate to say it but I remember that crap when you show up to the club again. It's when I get to say how tired I am and I don't want to open the door for you so you'll have to wait in line.

Hey, turn around is fair play. It might seem petty but remember.. You offered something up to the table worth far more than I ever did. I offered the pass to get into a bar. You offered up "dinner" as you pressed your big ass chest against me and your hand came up missing.


This isn't a one ride bull. Put your money where your mouth is.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

My purse!!... or rent?

So I get home the other night and I find an email in the trusty inbox. By the time I get home there's usually nothing going on. There might be a few other bar people online and half the time they're just checking their myspace or falling asleep. Then I pop open my mail system and I get this message.

This is so f*ckin ridiculous!! I got jumped when I left the bar last night!! They took my $400 phone, $600 worth of make up, my keys, and my $1100 purse!! I'm so pissed off right now!! It's gonna take me forever to get that stuff back so if you want to get a hold of me your gonna have to drive your ass out here or email me.

Wow.. an $1100 purse.. What a waste of money. I could buy a lot of things with $1100. A used car, weights, gym memberships, rent for a few months, just about anything. Anything more important than a purse. I mean, I have pockets but I realize women need purses to carry everything. Do you really need a purse that costs more than the car you drive?

Now I understand, if you can afford it then do it but come on. If you have to drive a crappy car, live in a smaller place or a far off place to afford your lifestyle then is it worth it? Plus, any team of snatchers knows what purses are good or bad. They probably sold that $1100 purse for $200 and were happy. The $600 of make up is probably laying in a gutter somewhere within a couple blocks of where you got jumped. Which is either a lot of make up or, once again, some over priced name brand crap. The phone has probably already been sold for $100 or even $50. Phones are fairly easy to get rid of and reconfigure.

Sorry for the bad luck but try getting your priorities in order. Just because something costs a lot doesn't mean it makes you look that much better. I've seen a t shirt and jeans girl look a hundred times better than a dolled up turnip.

Just glad to know that it didn't happen when you left my bar.

**To the one that sent me the email: If you actually read this, take note how many times I have driven out to see you. Then realize I'm not going to.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Pick Up Lines..

Some of the most interesting things that I get to witness at work are the pick up lines. I've witnessed some pretty strange things guys do to get ladies to go home with them. Some of them are pretty interesting to see that they actually work. The other thing is how I don't understand the type of guys these girls want to go home with.

I see these guys just about every night. They come in from riding their bicycles all day and they stink. I can smell them when they walk up and show me their IDs on a windy day. They usually have the same clothes on for at least half the week and they don't know what deodorant is. Then add on to that a night of drinking in a smoke filled bar but somehow these guys pull in girls every other night. These guys I refer to as Scabs.

One guy stands there and stares at a girl until she looks over at him. Then he points at her, snaps his fingers and points to the ground in front of him. This guy weighs about 120 pounds soaking wet and has on his hoodie and an old pair of torn up jeans. His hair is scruffy and unkept, his hoodie is the only hoodie he has, and by the end of the night there's usually about half a beer spilled on his pants. Yet, the girls either laugh at him, look away, or they come right to him. I'd have to say it works for him about 6 out of 10 times.

I've even seen guys that just won't let the turn downs break their spirit. They get turned down by one girl and they go on to the next.Usually by the end of the night they'll find a girl that they'll be sitting with most the night, buying drinks, and when the ugly lights come on, the girl runs over to the guy snapping his fingers.

I've seen many of the rocker boys with the half open button shirts walk in and walk right out within 10 minutes with a girl or two on their arms. I've seen dirty, little scabs walk out with girls. I've seen girls make out for guys and then leave with the girl.

Which is probably one of my favorites. A couple guys will hone in on a couple of girls sitting at the bar. They walk up, start a conversation and buy some drinks. Next thing you know they buy more drinks, shots, and the guys try to figure out which girl is into which guy. Then it goes a couple different ways.
  • I've seen it before when the girls get up and move to a different group of people.
  • I've seen it where the girls start ignoring the guys and put on their coats and leave.
  • I've also seen it when the girls start making out and the guys buy more shots and drinks. Then when one of the guys walks to the bathroom or somewhere, the girls just leave or they'll grab the guy that's there and leave.
  • Once it happened where the girls came over and told me that the guys were being assholes. I tell them I'd keep an eye on them and all of a sudden one of the guys would do something stupid and it'd be time for the guys to leave.
I've made bets with myself at times. I just get to sit back and watch everything unwind, constantly watching and learning the many different patterns. After enough time it almost becomes second nature to know who's doing what and with who.

Then again, none of it really matters to me but it's a great way to fill up the time.