Fake I.D. III: Delivery Driver...

"You want me to lose my job!?"

"Your not going to lose your job over a fake i.d."

"It's not fake! That's my name. See, it's on my credit cards too!"

"This is fake. You want it back? Go get the cops."

His friend speaks, "Man, I know this kid. We moved here together from Alabama. All southern i.d.'s are laminated."

"Your not helping your friend," the confiscated i.d. was from Tennessee, "How bout you be quiet."

"Man, I'm a delivery driver. I'll lose my job if you take that away!"

"Listen, your not a delivery driver. Your too small and not smart enough. Plus, you smell like crap and your riding an old ass 10 speed bicycle. What you gonna deliver on that?"

"I deliver pizzas."

"Well, bring me a pizza tomorrow and I'll give this back to you."

"Man, fuck you."

"Now your definitely not gettin it back."

"Come on man.. I'm sorry, can I just get it back? I swear I'll never come here again."

"Admitting defeat?"

"Yea...."

"Dumbass, get the fuck outta here."

The i.d. goes in my back pocket and the kid stands outside.

The license was fake on many levels. No UV ink, no signature, bad picture, pressed paper instead of plastic, and it wasn't even a CDL (commercial driver's license) that a delivery driver has to have.

If your going to invest in a fake i.d. then make sure it looks like the real thing.

Or just wait until your 21. There's really nothing special about going to bars or clubs anyways.

Tolerance...

"I hope you really enjoy the whole $7 an hour your making."

As my hand balls up into a fist I feel a hand pull back on my forearm. "Leave it Mike." Paulie steps out from behind me. He looks at the scruffy haired kid standing in front of us, "Why don't you take off."

"Fuck you guys, this sidewalk is community property." The kid is about 22 years old, 6' tall and all of 120lbs soaking wet. He has a trucker hat on with the bill of the hat bent straight up. His pants are tight, keys hung from a belt loop and the right pant leg is rolled up so it doesn't get caught in his bicycle chain. His shirt was at one time white and his arms are decorated with mismatched tattoos. There was dried blood around his nose. "I know my rights."

Five minutes before.

The kid was in the establishment. He decided that it would be ok to walk up behind a waitress and throw his arms around her. Not only that, he thought it would be funny if he grabbed her breasts and act like he was dry humping her. When Alice came up and told me I walked to the back and saw him laughing about it.

I grabbed him by the collar and threw him to the floor. He landed face first and knocked over a couple other people as he went down. I reached and grabbed him again, this time by his feet and I started dragging him out of the bar. He kept grabbing other people's legs as I was dragging him so I stopped. He spun around onto his back and I grabbed his arm and jerked him up. As he was coming up he was scared. I could see it in his eyes. His eyes were wide open and he kept looking around for help.

I went to grab his wrist and spin him around and he slipped out of my grasp. He tried to run out of the establishment but I tripped him and he fell to the ground again. This time he fell harder and busted his nose on the ground. Blood started coming out of his nose and trailing down his chin. Now he just laid there waiting for someone to help him. I grabbed him by the wrists and pulled him up. I stood him up and shoved him back and he started out the door.

Once outside the door he became tough. Slanders flew from his mouth like a river. Then they turned personal. Statements about people's mothers started coming out and that's when I started to get more angry. Usually these things don't upset me. I figure that the person doesn't know my mother so there's no reason to get upset but with the things this kid had already done it got to me. I could feel the adrenaline pulsing through me and that's when Paulie told me to let it go.

The kid wouldn't leave the front of the bar and he kept going on about "his rights". So I decided to let him get a first hand feel for what his rights really were. As a squad car drove past I flashed them with my flash light. The car stopped and pulled over. The kid thinking he was in the right stood there, "Yea, bring the cops over, I'll have your ass in jail!" He literally thought he was in the right.

The two cops came walking over. The first one walked up to me and the second one walked straight over to the kid.

"Hey Mike, what's going on?"

I explained what had happened and how the kid was dry humping the waitress and grabbing her breasts. I explained in detail what happened after that.

"Ok, the waitress want to file sexual assault charges?"

The kid overheard this. "What!? I didn't assault her! What the fuck!?"

The cop walked over to the kid and got into his face. "Excuse me? You grabbed a womans breasts without her consent. You think that's ok to do?"

The second cop turned the kid around and started patting him down. When the cuffs came out the kid started flaring up more. "What the fuck!? What about what he did to me? This is fuckin bullshit!!"

"He didn't do anything. You swung at him first. He was doing his job, protecting the staff and the business."

"I didn't swing at anyone!!"

"You have the right to remain silent...."

After the kid was read his rights and stuffed in the car, the cops talked to the waitress. She decided to press charges. Even if she doesn't show up for court the kid will have to spend all weekend in jail to wait for a court hearing.

Maybe he'll meet up with Big John while he's in there.

Hopefully Big John will think he's cute.

Expired I.D. - Get a New I.D...

"Listen, I'm gonna let you in this time but not again. Get a new i.d."

"Man, I've just been real busy with stuff. We just opened a new club and I just moved here 4 months ago and..."

"And your i.d. expired 3 years ago. I know who you are. I know where you work. I don't care. Get a new i.d. or don't come here again."

"Does it really have to be like this?"

"Listen, last week you said you've been here for a year but you've been too busy. This time you've only been here 4 months. You should know the laws if your opening a club. No expired i.d.'s. Go get a new one."

"How bout I just don't come back?"

"That's fine with me too. How bout we start right now."

"Sure. I'll just go get my friends and we'll leave."

"Not with that i.d., it's expired. I can't let you in. Hope you got their numbers in your phone."

Ah, young Padawan...

On a busy weekend like one near the holiday of Halloween it's always busy. There's lots of people wanting into the establishment and lots of people waiting in line. The worst part of it all is that most of the people are drunk.

One thing I've noticed is that everyone is in their own world. Even more so on Halloween because they all want to act like the character they're portraying. There's Wolfman howling, Spider-man and Venom wrestling, and a couple dressed as trailer trash (or Britney Spears and Kevin Federline I couldn't really tell..) yelling at everyone.

So I get to step out and tell them all to contain themselves or they wouldn't be allowed in. This lasted a whole 5 minutes maybe. The trailer trash couple lasted about a minute and they were back to screaming at each other. So I did what I said I was going to do.

"Guys, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"What the fuck for!?"

"I already explained it to you. If you can't be quiet out here when I ask you to you can't go inside."

The typical argument and name calling starts up and they leave. Next on the list, the Wolfman. He just wouldn't shut up.

"Hey man, I'm gonna ask you one more time. Quit howling or just leave."

"Oh, I'm sorry man."

I turn away and he howls. I turn back and his friends are laughing as he points to someone else in the group. "That's it man, don't waste your time waiting your not getting in." His friends start laughing and the Wolfman and his friends start to walk off. Behind them is a guy dressed up as a young Padawan, from Star Wars.

After telling the Wolfman he had to leave about a half an hour goes by and the Jedi Padawan is next in line to get in. As he stands there and waits he seems very patient since he just waited close to an hour just to come in.

It's now drawing closer to closing time when a few regulars walk up and say their hellos. A few minutes later a few people leave and I let the regulars in. This seems to have awakened the 'dark side' in the young Padawan.

"Man, what the fuck? Why ain't I going in?"

"You'll be in as soon as I can get you in there."

"No. Fuck that. I should be going in now."

"I'll tell you when you can go in. Keep talkin and you won't be going in at all."

A minute or two of silence and then it happens. I hear clearing of a nose and I feel a slight thud on my jacket. I look down and see the ball of spit and snot slowly rolling over itself as it walks down the front of my jacket. I look up and see the face of the Padawan slowly go from victorious to scared as he looks at me.

I step forward and grab him by the shoulder and raise my other arm. I pull my hand back and flatten it so I can smack him across the face like the child he is. Then he turns and pulls out of the cloak he had on like it was a layer of skin shedding off a snake. He gets to the curb of the street and stands there flipping me off. I stand my ground and wait.

I step into the establishment and ask Paulie to get me a wet rag to wipe my jacket off with. He comes back and looks at my jacket, "Is that really what I think it is?"

"Yep. Little fucker spit right on me."

"He still out there?"

"Yep. He'll be staying the weekend in jail soon though."

This is something people don't think about when they do stupid things. I'm not one to actually follow up on something like this but I will use it to my advantage. If you get arrested on a Friday night your not getting out until late Monday afternoon. Court isn't open on Saturday or Sunday so you have to sit and wait till Monday.

I step back outside and the guy is still at the curbside. Now he's rattling off about how he's a law student. He knows his rights and he knows that it's illegal for me to refuse him entrance. I guess he's not a very good law student because the number one rule with liquor establishments is this.

We have the right to refuse service to any one for any reason at any time.

However, learning that he is a law student makes it even better. Now I can just have him arrested for public drunkenness and screw him in two different ways. Make him sit all weekend and make him wait even longer to take his Bar Exam.

Why? From what I've been told by lawyers and policemen is this. If you have an arrest on your record you will automatically be refused by the state bar for licensing. You will be denied until the arrest is off of your record. Which means if you graduate you'll be flipping burgers because you can't practice law until you pass the Bar.

"An applicant must have good moral character,..."

Soon enough I see a squad car driving by and I flag them down with my flashlight. They pull up and the young Padawan starts walking down the street. The driver side window rolls down. "What's up Mike?"

"There's a young guy dressed as a Jedi walking around the corner. I think he'd like to spend the weekend in your motel."

"What'd he do?"

"He mumbled something and spit on me. Couldn't understand him but I think he said something about having something."

"Ok, we'll go get him."

Five minutes later the squad pulls back up. They ask me to identify the guy in the back seat and I sign a couple forms. Then they leave as I wave good bye to the Padawan going off to his fun weekend of Bubba and Bill. The cops tell me not to worry about showing up for court.

Surprisingly, the Spider-man and Venom characters that were wrestling in line were never a problem again. Even at the end of the night when Venom had to be partially carried out by Spider-man.

Do you know who I am!?...

There's always that one guy that thinks he's the big shot. He thinks he knows all the right people and he thinks he goes to all the right places. Sometimes reality sinks in.

On a busy night, with people waiting in line, a gentleman walks up past the line. He does the same thing that a lot of people do. He drops a name that isn't all that important.

"Hey buddy, I'm good friends with Mark over at Cookie's Clubhouse. Anything you can do for us?"

"Well, there are people waiting in line over here so there's not a lot I can do."

"Yea, but I'm good friends with Mark. He said to come over here."

Here's what most people don't realize. Most doormen in this area know most of the important people in the industry. We talk to other people and yes, we do go out on some occasions. So we know who's who.

"I heard you the first time. I know who Mark is, I don't know who you are. So your going to have to wait in line."

"You can't help us out to skip this line? I'm good friends with Mark."

"Listen, if your good friends with Mark then you should know how this works. You want to skip the line then you know what to do."

The guy turns and walks back to the end of the line. Then returns with two younger ladies by his side and stands by the side of the entrance. Ten minutes goes by and three people leave the establishment. So I check the i.d. of the next three people in line and let them in. Another ten minutes goes by and four people leave. I check the i.d. of the next four people in line and let them in. Then Pancho walks up to me.

"Hey man, I told you. I'm good friends with Mark. Are you going to do anything for us?"

"I already told you. You should know how this works. You take care of me, I take care of you."

Then Pancho squares his shoulders up with mine and leans his body in towards mine. He raises his voice so others can hear and says, "What?! You want me to pay you to come into this place!?"

The people in line turn and look towards us. "No, you don't have to pay me. You can wait in line."

His voice gets louder, "Man, fuck this!! If we would of stayed in line we'd be in already!"

"That was your choice, not mine."

"So you want me to pay you so we can skip the line?"

"That's how it works buddy."

"Fuck that! Fuck this place and fuck you!!!" Now he takes a step towards me. Just a small step. I'd even go so far as to say a half of a step. "I tell you who my friends are and it means nothing to you!? Then you say you want money from me?"

Now he turns and looks at the two girls that are with him. I reach down and pull my flashlight out of my pocket and wrap my fingers around it so it fits nice and tight in my palm like a roll of quarters. His hand comes up and he points his finger in my face.

Now he's yelling, "Fuck you man!! Fuck you! You don't know who I am!!" And on cue the two 4'8" slender girls wrap their arms around his waist and start pulling him away from the entrance and me. "You just wait mother fucker! You'll know who I am when I come back for you!!"

Then he walks away.

I'm really glad those two girls with a combined weight of 200lbs were able to hold him back. I'm not sure what I would have done if they weren't there.

Of course, I could have kicked him in the balls and then punched him in the back of the head. I could have just put an elbow to his temple. I could have smacked him in the throat. I'm just really glad those to waifs of women were there to hold him back.

The tough guy routine is really over done but I haven't seen it in a long time. It's good to see it occasionally just to be reminded about how absurd it truly is.

I wonder if that means he's got a really small penis?

Fake I.D. I...

"Look, I swear I'll never come here again."

"Oh, I know. Have a good night."

There's a lot of fake i.d.'s out in the world. If your job consists of checking i.d.'s then you've seen a lot of the obvious ones. Certain holograms give it away, certain dates, even certain types of pictures. When you see these your encouraged by the police and the state to take them away from the person. Actually, your encouraged to take away the fake one and to get their real one as well. That way the state can prosecute them, fine them or even give them public service work or jail time. This all depends on the person and the person on the fake i.d..

"What if I gave you $20?"

"Add another zero onto that honey and we'll have a deal."

"What!? $200!? I don't have that!"

"Then I'll just hold on to this. Have a good night."

It's very rare that I ever give back an i.d. It causes some drama from time to time but it also helps spread the word that underage kids shouldn't even try to come to the bar. A little stress for a bigger pay off is ok in my books.

What these kids don't understand is how big of a deal I take it to be. Once in a while some cops will walk through the bar. They'll check the place out and see how busy it is and they might card a person or two. If they happen to card someone that is underage then the establishment gets shut down for a long time and there's a hefty fine that has to be paid. During the time that the bar is shut down I'm out of a job. Which means my rent doesn't get paid and my bills become overdue. Not only that, this happens to everyone that works there as well.

Thirty people that work in a club don't want to be out of work for a month. So I tend to take it a little more seriously since I'm the one that cards people at the door and no one else does after they get inside.

"Listen, I'm here on vacation and they won't let me back on the plane if I don't have my i.d."

"So your telling me that your...." looking at the i.d., "28 years old and you don't have another thing in that huge purse with your name on it?"

She opens her purse and wallet and I see credit cards. "No, I don't have anything else. I didn't bring it cause I didn't want it to get stolen."

"Yea... sorry hun. What about those credit cards? They got your name on them?"

Then she starts crying, "Please, they won't let me back on the plane if I don't have my i.d."

"I tell ya what. Go back to where ever your staying, get your airline tickets, bring it here and then I'll give this back to you and you can go. Until you show me something, I'm keeping this."

I know, I'm a complete prick. I'm an asshole. Realize this though. If you were on vacation and your 28 years old wouldn't you have a check card, debit card, or credit card with you? Let's say this particular girl did. I would have given the i.d. back to her but I wouldn't have let her in the bar. She looked nothing like the picture on the i.d. and she wasn't even tall enough to match. If your close to 6 foot tall don't get a fake that says your 5'4". Common sense people.

So the girl walks to the end of the block and her friends go with her. Ten minutes later one of her friends comes back to me.

"Hey man, can I get my friends i.d. back if I give you $50? I swear she won't ever come back here. She just got it a few days ago."


Sometimes it just feels good to be proven right.

Time and Place...

As the saying goes... "There's a time and place for everything." It's basically the same as saying, "Know when to pick your battles." There's not always a perfect time to pick an argument with someone, especially when it's on a personal level, but there is always a better place.

A lot of this depends on the type of person you are too. If your the type of person that has to make a big deal out of nothing then you don't think about this. You want to cause a scene where ever you are just so people can notice you. You want people to think you are being put down or held back. You want the attention to be towards you even if it's bad. "All publicity, whether good or bad is still publicity."

These people are the type of people that will constantly keep the drama going just so they can be in the middle of conversations as long as they can. They love the drama, they love the attention and if they don't have it they might have to be real.

So when one of these people makes an employee feel uncomfortable or the employee just doesn't want them at the establishment then we don't let them in. It's a pretty standard way of doing things. If your uncomfortable with someone then that person doesn't come in. It doesn't matter if your a guy or girl all you have to be is an employee or a good friend of an employee. If there's a possibility of fireworks going off then we make sure it doesn't happen.

The only time it's different is if it happens to be a significant other.

Then the policy changes a little. Then the policy is still basic, the person that isn't wanted there doesn't come in when the person that is involved with the conflict is working. Pretty basic yet to the people that are over dramatic it's too much for them to handle. They still walk up, they still try to come in the bar. Listen, keep acting like an asshole and you'll get banned even if your significant other works there.

Now when you have an altercation with a doorman that works at the same place your girl does don't get in his face at his job. That's like giving candy to a baby. It's our job to keep idiots out. If your picking a fight with us at the door we're not going to let you in. At this point we don't care who you know inside. Personally, I don't care if your the owner because I've kicked you out of the bar before and the next day you called me to apologize.

So if you don't want the drama to continue like you've said then apologize and act civil. Shit, you don't even have to apologize just act civil while your there. Don't mumble under your breath, don't roll your eyes, don't look at me all disgruntled. Go in, have a few drinks and see if that builds up your courage. Then if you feel like getting all riled up we'll see what happens. You'll be wasted, the doorman will be sober and someone will look like an idiot.

I hate saying this like this but, "Take yo drama to yo momma. Leave that shit at home."

Misconceptions of granduer...

"No, he's fine. He's with me."

"Listen hun, I'm trying to close down the bar. I can't have extra people sitting around in here."

"Well, he's with me then, that ok?"

"Well, if he's with you then I'm gonna have to ask you to leave too. Sorry."

"What!? I always stick around!"

Some people get to stick around after hours. Yea, they're not supposed to technically but there are always little rules that get bent. Usually it's boyfriends, girlfriends, roommates or some kind of good friend. Some times it's people who work in the industry at a different bar or restaurant. Most of these people know the rules. You don't cause problems. You don't get loud. You just hang out while it's quiet, talk with friends and enjoy a drink or two.

It's never people who aren't good friends of an employee or the bar.

"I don't know who this guy is. He can leave."

"Are you serious? He's a friend of mine."

"And who's his friend that works here? I don't know him so he has to go. Plain and simple."

"Then how come I always get to stay?"

"Your fuckin Casper aren't ya?"

The expression on her face was worth it. Not only did I bust her out in front of some guy but she actually didn't know that everyone there knew about her and Casper.

"Wha.. what did you say?"

"Listen, everyone that hangs out, hangs out for a reason. It's not a right. Boyfriends wait for girlfriends and hook ups wait for hook ups. Not friends of hook ups. They don't count."

Then the guy decided to pipe in. "Hey man, I can pay for my drinks."

"Hey man, you want to do me a favor? Just leave. There's no paying for drinks now, the bar's closed. Bye."

So the guy shrugs his shoulders and tells the girl that he's taking off. A few minutes later her phone rings. She talks a little bit, hangs up, says her good byes to everyone and leaves. I step outside to make sure she gets into a cab and see Casper pull up. He steps out of his car and motions her over. She starts walking across the street and Casper gives me a thumbs up. I guess I made a point that he wanted her to know.

Casper's a dick but he did say one thing once that made sense. If you have something they want they'll never leave you. I guess being able to hang out late night at a bar is enough for some.

Sad to think that's all it takes for some people.

Bartender in Chicago gets beaten by an off duty cop??

Ok, this might be a long one.

I will openly say at this time that I'm totally against women opening a bar and working alone. If there's someone there with them that could handle a problem that might happen then by all means go for it. I'm not saying that it's the woman's responsibility to make sure that person is there. If anything, it's the management's.

The biggest excuse that I hear a lot is, "Well, how likely is it that something's gonna happen?" It's about as likely as I'll get shot or knifed in the gut for refusing someone entrance. All it takes is that one time.

Now. Just so I don't look like a sexist pig, let me clarify a few things.

As everyone knows through common sense there are many different types of people. There are those that can handle themselves and those that can not. Out of ten women that I know, maybe two of them could stand up and fight off a 6' tall 250lb man. The other eight wouldn't be able to even put up a fight.

This is not a topic about men being better or women being weak. It's a topic of common sense. I've had this conversation before because certain women want an early shift at a bar because that way they can get off early and still enjoy their night. My argument is that at most bars there isn't a doorman during the early shift hours. So I would prefer a guy working those hours because a guy can usually handle those circumstances better. Plus, let's be honest, a guy getting beat up is totally different than a woman getting beat up.

So here's where the whole topic stems from. In Chicago, a young woman bartender was beaten down by an off duty alcoholic police officer. I'll guarantee the only reason that it's getting a lot of press is because it was a police officer that was involved. I've known a few other people that have been beaten much worse just for their wallet as they walk home and it never hit the news.

Now I don't know what hours the bartender was working but by the video below I would guess that she was working the early shift. What's worse is to watch as the guy in the lower left of the video runs away.

How do you run away when you see a woman getting hit repeatedly by someone?

From an article that I read, the officer had just finished an in-patient substance abuse program on March 5th. Seems like that helped out a lot.

If you want the whole story you can try these links. I'm not sure which one will work for you as most newspapers won't let you see content unless you sign up for them. So here's a few different links you can try.

Chicago Tribune

ABC 7 - Chicago

CBS 2 - Chicago

The officer has been stripped of his police powers and has a huge bail amount set. The department is even looking into firing him now that he did something that got caught on camera.

I'll try to keep current on this issue since I know I haven't been around much.

Stress...

I have a lot of stress lately. Family issues, personal issues and then pile on the idiots at the bar, both certain employees and the people that come in.

I'm a fairly simple person. I don't let things bother me because it's a waste of time. Sometimes it all piles on and there's not much I can do.

The bar has a jukebox. It's got all kinds of different music in it. If you stand there and hit the side of it hard then the cd will skip. If you do that a couple times you get tossed out of the bar.

So this guy was standing there and hitting the jukebox. I saw Chucky start heading over there so I had Ron, one of the cooks, stand by the door and I headed over to the jukebox. I got over there and Chucky was talking to the guy. He saw me come over and pointed at the guy and walked off. I grabbed the beer out of his hand and put my hand on his back. "I need you to head out the door now."

He started walking and never said a word to me. It was a quick and easy extraction. Then his friends came up to the door. Two of them walked out and didn't say a word. The third one stood there with a full rocks glass and decided to talk about how his friend shouldn't have been thrown out.

"You know what? It's total bullshit that you threw my friend out of here. He wasn't doing shit you know."

I just stood there. I didn't respond to him at all. I stared over his shoulder and didn't say a word.

"So what? Now your gonna act stupid or something? Not gonna talk to me? You fuckin moron."

I reached up and grabbed the rocks glass. "Now it's time for you to go."

"What!? I didn't do shit! I'll leave once I'm done with my drink ya asshole!"

"Your done now." I held on to the rocks glass and turned it to it's side and dumped the entire drink onto the guys shoes. Before he could even say, "What the fu--!" I grabbed his shirt by the front collar and started pushing him out the door with one hand.

Once I got him out he let off with the typical banters of how he shouldn't have been thrown out and that he'll never come to this bar again. He stood there with his friends and continued to talk and I walked back into the bar.

As I was standing inside the bar the door opened again. This same scrawny little man was standing there yelling into the doorway. He rattled off a few normal insults and I stood there looking at him waiting for him to leave. Then he rattled off some insults towards my family. Still standing there with the door open.

Then I moved. I didn't even realize that I had moved. I took two steps towards the door and pushed it open with my right arm as my left arm came up and I grabbed him by the throat. Then I turned and slammed him against the wall and stared into his face. "You need to get the fuck out of here. Now." The guy reached up and grabbed my throat and I grabbed his thumb and pulled it back towards his forearm. Next thing I knew I turned and had thrown him to the ground.

His friends stepped towards me and I pushed my sleeves up to my elbows just standing there, staring at them.

Chucky came running out and stood next to me. "Hey man, let's go back inside. These guys aren't worth shit to us, let them go."

The guy on the sidewalk started getting up. His friends started walking off and trying to get him to do the same. I walked back inside and Chucky followed me in a couple minutes.

"Man, what was that all about?" Chucky asked me after everything calmed down.

"I don't know.. One minute he was working his mouth, the next I had him against the wall by his throat."

"Well... how bout you try going to a gym or something... or get rid of the stress you got built up."

"Sounds great Chucky, you gonna pay for it?"

Comfort Zone...

People tend to get a comfort zone after inhabiting certain locales. They don't understand that some things are a privilege. Cutting the line, discounted drinks here and there, and getting to hang out once in a while after closing to finish up.

Then when there's a problem I usually listen to their side of the story. If they're not the types to cause any problems their side gets more merit than the other.

Some of these people have been pushing their limits lately. One regular came up to the front door and in his hands was another guy. Jake had a hold of this guys arms and was walking him out. He shoved him through the door and told me that he can't come back in.

I stood there looking at him confused. "What's going on?"

"That guy can't come back in!"

"What the hell happened?"

"He kept buggin me an my old lady."

"And?"

"And.. I told him if he kept doin it he was gonna have to leave."

"Ok, number one... Who the hell are you to throw someone out?"

"Man, I've been coming here for years so if I...."

"Wait, ok? I don't care if you've been coming here since you were born. You don't throw anyone out. Your a customer. That's all you are. If someone's giving you problems then you need to ask someone to have him removed."

"All the bartenders were busy and.."

"Don't care. You think just because you come in here a lot means you can do this shit? Your nothing more than a customer like that guy. How bout if I just start throwing out everyone that annoys me."

"You should man, it's your job to keep the idiots out."

"Ok. Got your coat? Your leaving."

"What! What the fuck did I do?"

"You just threw out a paying customer and your trying to tell me how to do my job. Your annoying me. So by your standards you should leave."

"Man, fuck this. You got some double standards you know."

"Nope, I'm just gonna get rid of the people that annoy me. I'll let the waitress know to tell your "old lady" that you won't be coming back."

"Fuck you man."

Jake stormed out and shot his little glares at me through the door while he waited for his girl outside.

I don't mind regulars coming up and letting me know about certain people. It's nice having that extra set of eyes. The ones that do know that it's an employees call over all that will get someone tossed. They know that it's not their position to try and take someone out.

Then there are the ones that think they can do what ever they want. Over the past couple weeks I've slowly cut them down. I've made them wait in line, I haven't let them hang out to finish their drinks and I've tossed them for being more idiotic than usual. I've slowly taken away that King status that they thought they had and knocked them back down to paupers.

When your at a bar that you frequent that much then you should know who you are there. If you don't work there, or your not a good friend of someone that does, then your only as important as the next person.

I hate to quote a wrestler but....

"Know your role."

Childish...

"You know yer actin pretty childish. In fact, your actin a lot like an asshole."

Usually when drunks talk to me that I've already asked to leave I ignore them. I walk them out the door or carry them if needed and thats that. When Phil says someone needs to go then they go. I don't question, I just do. If your staggering around leaning on tables with your head down then it's a good sign you need to leave.

I'll be cordial with you and I'll give you time to tell your friends and grab your coat. I won't give you a lot of time but I'll give you a little. This way if you have a tab to close you can. If you need your friend to take you home then they'll know your waiting outside for them.

"You can't let me look for my wallet?"

"Your calling me childish and you don't know where your wallet is?"

A lot of times, I've noticed, no matter how nice to people I am I still end up the asshole. Why? Well, because I won't let you back into the bar to get your friend or look for coats or glasses or wallets or phones or just about anything. Honestly, I don't have to. Once your asked to leave a bar it doesn't mean you can come right back in. Come back the next day or if you have a complaint feel free to call.

"Man, talk to me like I'm your friend."

"Why? Your not."

"See, now yer just being childish agin. I jus wanna find my wallet."

"Listen, I'm letting you wait for your friend here instead of outside. Hopefully he finds it and you can leave."

"No, yer jus being an asshole."

Friend comes back - "I found it. Its cool."

"Man, whys this guy being an asshole?"

"I got your wallet, lets just go. He's just doing his job."

"Man, whas yer name? Imma journalist, man. I'll make sure you get a bad review. Ya know you are bein an asshole. You don't need to. Fuckin asshole."

"My name's Mike. Now get out of my bar."

Friend - "Man, you are starting to be an asshole. We are leaving."

"Ok, so why aren't you moving?"

It's not my problem if you forget something. You do become my problem if you keep trying to get back in. Once your out, your out. I'll let your friend look for your stuff but you don't come back in. I don't babysit people or follow you around at your leisure just so you can waste time inside.

It is amazing how quickly the white collar journalist type are so quick to write up a bad review. Well, I should say threaten to write up a bad review. The funny part is that these guys come to this type of bar to either hide out or because they've heard about the reputation it has. They're the guys that I've never seen in the bar before and are probably only there because they were in the neighborhood after some party or show. Nothing loss there. They're not returning customers anyway.

I think I might lose some sleep waiting for that review. Maybe it'll be so bad that we have to close our doors. Just think, I might get a vacation out of it.

The ever entering woman...

"What's your name man?"

"Mike."

"Well Mike, I realize it's your job to keep the underage out of the bars. Your doing a great job but Ally needs her ID because she drives constantly for work."

"I guess Ally should have thought about that before giving it to that girl then huh?"

"Listen, she just needs it back, she was trying to help out her sister and..."

"I have two options for you at this point. Option one, I get a squad car to come over here, explain to them what's going on and let them decide, because it's only a federal offense or, option two. You guys just leave."

"Man, come on. I'm a bouncer too, can't you just do one exception?"

"Your telling me your a bouncer at a club and you still bring an underage to the bar? Are you stupid? Where you work?"

"Nevermind man, that's not important."

"Of course not. Get outta here. Now I'm going to walk outside and you guys are going to leave. If not I'll gladly grab the first squad I see."

Throughout the night I probably turn away five to ten people on a slow night. It could be for just about any reason but it's usually because of fake IDs or they're already too drunk to come in. Each ID taken is a story all it's own.

A few nights ago I had a couple come in and I checked their IDs and all was well. Then about 15 minutes later I went outside the door with Frank to have a smoke and bullshit a little while it was slow. A girl came up and gave me her ID and I took a couple looks at it thinking it looked familiar.

Since it's early many people will walk in and see that it's not that busy and leave. If I don't see you leave then I card you again when you come back or if you've been gone for awhile. That's why I took a second look at the ID. I didn't remember this girl leaving.

So I asked Phil to watch the door as I went over to where the girl had walked to. As I walked over I noticed that all of a sudden there were two of them there. So first thought in my mind was that they were twins. The girls did look a lot alike but I only remembered the IDs by the name on them.

"Hello ladies. I need to see both your IDs again."

The first girl pulled out her ID and gave it to me. I looked at it and her and waited for the other girl to get hers. She was very hesitant. The first girl reached for her ID and I raised my index finger for her to wait. The second girl handed me her ID and I compared the IDs. Exact matches.

"Ladies. I have good news and bad news. The bad news is you have to leave now and your not getting these back. The good news is you get to go home early."

Without a single word they turned and walked out the door. I had expected to at least hear some kind of an argument.

I explained what was going on to Phil and left it at that.

People don't realize what kind of trouble they can get into letting others 'borrow' their IDs. Just for letting your younger brother or sister use your ID you could be looking at a year in jail and a
fine close to a few grand.

Doesn't really seem like much until you get busted for it.

Reverse the charges!!!

So let's see. I pull the chair out from under you, grab you before you hit the ground, walk you to the door, and push you out the door. Yet, you think that your going to come back in and get your whole tab reversed on your credit card?

I really don't think so. In fact, your pretty lucky that you had already closed your tab and already had your card when I threw you out. It's bad enough you pissed off the most laid back bartender in the place by rattling off spanish swear words at him and the party sitting by you at the bar. Then you stand outside rattling off even more at me and constantly try to come back in the bar drawing the attention of four other doormen from other locales that are there for a drink.

Think about it man, you were up against a combined weight of 1000 pounds of doormen that would be happy to stop you from coming back in. Then you have the brilliant idea of telling us to reverse the charges on your tab while including such colorful words and phrases as asshole, your mothers a bitch, cocksucker, and the ever popular piece of shit.

The fourth time you tried to come in I actually had to raise my voice at you and shove you out the door. Didn't the first three times mean anything or did you think everything was cool on the fourth time?

Honestly, the rattling off in spanish didn't bother me. I could pick out certain words and phrases but thats what got the attention of a couple of the other doormen.

"Man, he's calling your mother a bitch and a whore. I wouldn't put up with that shit, you want me to go out there and talk to him?"

"What? Man, your off and you got five minutes till last call. If you want to waste your time on him don't do it for me. Besides, you got a beer on the way and I'm not holding on to it for you."

Then you got another bright idea. Maybe if you stand outside and bang on the window screaming we'd feel better, let you in and reverse the charges on your tab.

With that you got the manager's attention again and the cops were flagged down.

Of course, being the big, strong, tough guy you are, you ran as soon as they pulled up.

I would like to thank you though. You've given me a good story to tell and you gave the cops a good laugh. You almost gave some guys a good reason to let out some steam and you have proven how fast you can move when the cops show up.

Seriously, did you really think that after drinking most of the night, being a total ass to Chucky and some patrons, and insulting some women, that you would get your money back?

I'm sure somewhere your thought of highly and respected. Maybe you should stay there.

Neighborly fashion.

There are a few nice things about working at two different, but same, locales in a neighborhood. Probably the best is knowing whats going on a both ends of the town. The best type of example I can give for this is people that are banned or people who cause problems.

Basically, if you come into either of my houses and cause me problems, then you might as well forget about coming into the other one. They might be two totally different kinds of places but your still the same asshole. If you get all touchy feely with one of the waitresses at one place, what's to say you won't at the other?

Now granted, you might get banned for life from one but that doesn't mean you will from the other. It just means if I see you within a two week period of the ban, you won't get into the other. Does this make me an asshole? Maybe in your eyes. After all, it seemed like a great idea to you to grab the waitresses ass or spill someones drink or just be an ass. So what you put out there comes back to you.

There are a few examples I could use but the one that sticks to me right now is the guy I spoke of in Rock Star Line II. You weren't improtant at the bar when you tried to get in and your not important enough to hang out after hours at the venue. Not even the bands hang out after hours and they're the ones bringing in the people. You don't have big tits, an attractive body or bring anything to the table and your not a boyfriend or girlfriend of any of the employees, so you can leave just like anyone else.

Instead, you decide that you want to finish your drink first. Not only do you decide to finish your drink, but you decide to leisurely. It's now five minutes until you legally have to be out of the venue. Last call was 25 minutes ago. That's when you should have gotten your first clue that we don't want you there anymore. For some reason it just seems like your trying really hard to impress your friends no matter where you go. Well, I guess its another time to burst your bubble. Of course, I wait for your girl to be standing right by you along with your other guy friend.

"Hey guys. It's time to go, shows over and everyones gone. I need you to put your drinks down and head out this door."

"Oh yea, we're waiting for someone in one of the bands. He said we could wait here."

"Yea, about that. He doesn't work here so it doesn't matter what he says really. If your gonna wait, do it outside."

"Ok, well, I just need to finish my drink and we'll be out." After this it actually looked like the guy smirked at me. Why he would do this, I have no idea. Seems like he's on some kind of one sided power trip that he won't win.

"Yea, about that drink." Simple enough. I grabbed the drink out of his hand and threw it across the room to the bundle of garbage cans. "It doesn't seem like you need to finish it anymore. So, I now need you to exit through those doors and wait for your buddy, who's in the band, outside."

"Well, he said he'd be right out and then..." "That's nice, I'm sure he will be right outside too. So I need you to start moving your feet towards that door."

As I was standing there just basically staring at the group another doorman walked up behind the group. "I think he means now guys. You need to leave now before we get upset."

To this the girl grabbed the guy and started pulling him towards the door.

Now this is twice that this guy has been an annoyance to me in the same week at two different locales. Let's see if he starts to get the picture next time he comes around. When your really a noone don't try to be someone. My nights are long enough babysitting people and keeping others in line and having to explain common thoughts all night. I really don't need someone trying to be cool at the end of the night. Just get your immediate people and leave.

Drunk Walk

I never have been a real big drinker. So I guess that might be one reason why I never understand why people want to get into another bar when they're really drunk. Maybe it's just something else to do that night, maybe you just don't want to go home, or maybe you got thrown out of another bar and your trying to get into another. Once your at the point that you have to lean on the wall to stay up, your speech is slurred, and you can't find your ID that is right there maybe you should just go home.

When I'm working at the bar I'm the only real door person there. Granted the bartenders and the local guys are willing to help out at any time but I look at it as a failure on my part if you get in and your that shit faced. There's no reason for any one to have to jump over the bar if I do my part. For this reason I don't drink on the job and I take my job pretty serious. I want everyone in the bar to have a good time and not be bothered with drunken idiots. Even though many inside get that way, I don't want to let in someone like that already.

Many of the regulars want to buy me drinks and shots and occasionally I'll take a shot. This is allowed but I just don't over do it. I like to be in control of myself while I'm supposed to be in control of the house. Control it first so you don't have to forcefully regain control.

So when a possible patron stumbles up to the door and I ask for his ID I'm constantly watching to see just how drunk he is. When he can't find the ID that's on top of the many credit cards in his wallet and he drops his wallet two times it's definitely clear he doesn't need to come in.

Of course to him it's a challenge. It seems that he was just to drunk to understand that I had told him no and to enjoy his night somewhere else. He reached for the door and tried to open it but as I was in the way the door wouldn't open. I suggested to him that he go somewhere and sit and possibly eat something and try back again in a few hours after he had sobered up.

He stood there and stared at me like I was talking in complete gibberish. He tried for the door once more and I simply put my hand into his middle back and slightly pushed him away from it. "Have a good night sir. Come back again tomorrow." To this I got the finger and he walked off.

Now when he showed up at the door the night was early. Probably around 11 or 11:30. The bar wasn't busy but I still won't let you in especially if your that drunk.

Later in the night we got busier and the line formed outside. At this point there were close to 40 people waiting in line and I was right inside the bar past the second door which is about seven or eight feet past the first door. Occasionally I look out to see how it looks and to see how many people are trying to crowd the door so they're the first ones in. When this happens I just have to walk out and clear the area and make it clear that if it doesn't happen they don't get in. This works fairly well until new people walk up.

When I'm standing there I can always tell when someone tries to open the door and sneak in. Either I feel the gust of wind or the noise from outside gets louder or the people in the front of the line are loud enough to notice their bitching. This time it was a mix of the outside noise and someone hitting a wall.

I turned to see what was going on and there was my buddy the shit faced drunk from earlier. Still drunk and still searching for his ID as he walked up. I put my hand on his shoulder, "Man, I told you earlier, you can't come in. Have a good night."
"Dont push me, you wanna push me? You wone like it if you push me..."
"I'm sure I won't. Have a good night. You've had way too much fun to come in here tonight."

Then he hit away my arm and stood there looking at me with a blank drunk stare. It was like he was concentrating just to make an angry face. I then put my hand back on his shoulder and he tried to knock it away again. I then hooked my arm around his and held it tight as I lifted his arm up. I then turned him and started walking to the door. As we got to the door he threw up his other arm and braced himself in the door way. "Ha, thought you had me huh? You fuggin ass, I told you not to pussh me, your not gonna liked it when Imma done wit you." His head bobbed around like one of those bobbleheads you see in car windows.

Now when you say something like that to me I see it as a threat. It doesn't matter to me if your drunk or sober, it's still a threat to me. I never know if you might have a gun or knife or whatever. I may not be all excited about being here but someone is so I take it personally.

I reached over with my free hand and grabbed his other hand that was bracing him in the doorway, I yanked it away from the door and shifted my weight. The thud of him hitting the door grabbed a few peoples attention outside. After the door flew open and I was able to step outside with him I gave him a little shove. He regained what ever amount of composure he had and started to walk back towards my door. "Man, don't. Your not coming in tonight. Go home and sleep it off." He stood there and talked and I ignored him. After a couple minutes he walked off as I checked IDs and let others in.

People in line asked why I didn't just level the guy and get it over with. I'm not here to hurt people. I'm here to solve problems, keep control and to keep everyone happy. Granted, if I really needed to hurt someone I'm pretty positive I could. I just don't see the reason for it unless its needed.

As the night gets busier the manager on duty is usually on the floor helping to keep an eye on everyone. If its not busy he's usually in the basement doing whatever he does.

It's now about forty five minutes before last call and the bar has quieted down. There aren't as many people in as there usually is and the line has completely gone away. People are milling around trying to find their little fun for after hours or trying to find someone to take home. There's a group of three guys and a girl at the bar near me and near them is another group of people. Everything looks calm so I step out to see what the sidewalks are looking like.

As I step into the second door a guy from the first group head butts another man on the back of his head and then puts him in a full nelson and starts walking towards me. He goes past me and walks the man to the door. They start trading words when I walk up and put myself inbetween them in the doorway. I ask what's going on. "Guy here decided to put his tongue down my girls throat." I looked over at the guy on the sidewalk and he didn't say anything but just stood there with a big smile.

Then he walked back up to the door. The guy from the group then asked if the man wanted more. "You want some of this man? I'll gladly come out there and give it to you."

I turned and looked at him, "Ok, either you go back inside or you and your group leave now."
"Ok, man. It's cool, I'll go back in." Another guy from the group came walking up then and started shouting at the man outside. I turned to him and explained that if he wanted he could join the man. He turned back and headed back in. I stood at the door and watched as the man took off on his crotch rocket. The girl from the group walked up and apologized and told me what had happened.

"The guy walked up and tapped me on the shoulder and started telling me I had too much to drink. He had a black shirt on and you have one on so I thought he worked here. Next thing I knew he was holding on to my arms and leaned in towards my face and his tongue was going through my lips. That's when my boyfriend saw everything and told him to leave me alone. The guy acted like he didn't hear him and just stood there looking at me and holding on to me. Then he started going off on my boyfriend."

With the group fairly sober and last call coming in about half an hour I figured they'd be better off just staying. Besides, in my eyes they were in the right and didn't cause a huge scene. It was something I was willing to pass.

Then after talking to her to and taking another look outside I walked back in. Right as I stepped in past the second door the second guy from the group was pointing his finger in another mans face. "You wanna take this outside!?"

I got over in between the two. "What the hells going on now?"

"This guys talking shit. He's buddies with that other guy."

"Alright, that's it. All of you are out of here."

"But we're not starting any shit. This guy came over and started calling us pussies."

"At this point I don't care. All of you are out of here and you can sort this shit outside where it's not my problem."

Then the guy jumped over and hit the man. I threw up my arm and pushed him back. "What the fucks your problem!? Get the fuck out of here." At the same time the girl is trying to tell me that this guy was talking shit to her and her group. I grab the man as he starts to go for the guy. "Lets go man, your out." "What about them?" "They're gonna be right behind you." "Don't let them out until I'm gone."

I take him out and walk back in. The girl comes up and starts to thank me for taking him out. "Don't thank me yet, your next."
"But we didn't do anything."
"I should have thrown you out after the first incident but I gave you the benefit of doubt. This time your all gone and your not my problem anymore."

I look outside and the man is still there. "Hey man, you better get out of here. These guys are coming out now." The man jumped in a cab and took off.

I walked back in and saw one of the bartenders taking an order from one of the group. I flashed my light towards him and gave him the cut off sign. The bartender looked at me and stepped back shaking his head and went on to the next person.

I walked back over to the group and pointed at them. "You, you, you, you, and you. Time to go. The guys gone so now its your turn."

They set their drinks down and headed out the door without any problems.

Ten minutes later the manager on duty walked up. "Hi. You ok?"

"Sure."

"I heard there was a couple fights. Wanna do a shot?"

"Sure."

Rock Star Lines

One thing many people here haven't realized about many bars that have lines to get in. There are certain "rock star" priviledges for certain people. There are usually two different lines to get into a popular late night bar or club. If you don't know what that second line is for then there is no need for you to be in it.

People in that second line also know that its a good thing but everything is done in respect. Heres a perfect example of a situation.

A few nights back I had started a line outside of the bar. This is a normal thing to do for a short amount of time during the week after all the other bars close. One of my normal regulars came up and looked my way. I gave him my index finger which as many know means to wait and it would be a few minutes before I can do anything for them.

At this point in the night due to capacity reasons its solely a one person out, one person in type of ordeal. I had a group of seven people waiting in the front of the line and they had been waiting for at least 20 minutes at this time.

As three people left I motioned to the group in line that I could let in three of them. They got out their IDs and I let them in. Then the regular tapped me on the arm. Which, for future knowledge, is not what you should do to any doorman unless your are personal friends with that person.

He asked if he could go in now. Which I told him I'd do what I could for him but at that time I had to get the rest of that group in first. To this I recieved the eye roll.

After about another ten minutes two people left. I walked out and motioned for another two from the group. As I opened the door I heard 'the regular' say "Hey guys, I guess since your going in before me your not gonna kick my ass now huh?"

I looked at the group that was left and tried to see if there was some kind of problem. 'The regular' was glaring at them and they had the typical look of "What the hell is going on?"

Thinking to myself that 'the regular' was just being his typical drama queen self I let two more of the group in. Then five minutes later I walked out to let the other two in. Once again, as I opened the door I heard 'the regular' say "Hey guys, I guess since your going in before me your not gonna kick my ass now huh?"

I then carded the two and they walked in. Then 'the regular' starts going on about the last one spit in his face. I looked at his face and there was no spit on it and I did not see this happen. Which would seem funny considering it would have happened less than two feet away from me. There was no spit sounds or any type of movement suggesting it happened.

Of course 'the regular' starts asking why I'm letting them in if they spit in his face. I basically told him I didn't see it and if he wanted to come in then to calm down and do so. Which he then came in.

He came in and went straight to the guys face asking why he spit in his face. Now 'the regular' is a pretty small guy, very thin and mostly skeletal. The other guy is about 4 inches taller and thicker. The events happened like this.

'the regular' - "Man, why'd you spit in my face!?!"

Man - "What?"

'the regular' - "You know you did, why'd you do it!?"

At this point the mans friend starts to walk the man away from 'the regular' and of course 'the regular' sticks right to them. I stop the line at the door and start to clear people away from the door to keep an open line from me to them. As 'the regular' keeps badgering the man another friend of the man tries to stand between them. I walk up to the situation.

Me - "IS THERE A PROBLEM HERE?"
'the regular' - "Yeah, this motherfucker spit in my face!"
Me - "Then the two of you need to figure this out outside."
'the regular' - "What are you crazy? This guys three times my size!"
Me - "Then shut up and calm down. Go to the other end of the bar and have a good time."
'the regular' - "What!? This is bullshit! Fuck you, you can't be bossing me around!!"

At this point I grabbed 'the regular' and walked him out of the bar. 'The regular' then proceeded to go on about how he's been coming in this bar for many years and that it was bullshit that I took their side.

I explained to him that my job is to diffuse situations not to take sides. He was in the wrong for trying to provoke a situation among three people and I was resolving the situation before it became a real problem. If I listened to every complaint from a regular and acted upon it in their favor we wouldn't have a crowd as we do or the amount of business. Most regulars are only regulars due to their discounts and favors and definately not due to their tips.

After a good hour 'the regular' decided, with a little coaxing from the manager, to leave.

I guess that even though your a regular and you think your shit doesn't stink doesn't really mean anything. Seven paying customers out weighs one.

Of course, had I seen the man actually spit in his face, that man would not have came into the bar. So if anyone ever spits in your face don't wipe it off.