Sunday, December 28, 2008

I done did it...

I've decided to join FaceBook. Why? Obviously I just don't have enough to keep my mind busy.

If you like, you can search for me on there.

diary.of.a.doorman (at)


Mike Drmn

See ya in the book of face.

-Be Safe

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Oh Economy, Oh Economy....

Yes, the economy is crap right now. It's even getting to the point that it's effecting some of the other bars in the area. Not to say that it isn't effecting us at all but we haven't gotten to the point of cutting back on the staff. It might come to that in a few months if everything keeps going the way it is.

Business has been getting slower. Other establishments are starting to offer more specials and they're pulling business their way. We, of course, are not offering anything to get people in. For what ever reason, the powers that be don't think we should have to offer anything. The name brings people in. Not in times like these. Our numbers have been continuously dropping.

Now I'm nothing more than the guy that stands at the door and checks id's. Yet, even I know a little bit about nightlife business. A name usually places an establishment into a category. Which usually brings in a certain type of customer. Once the name gets out it will only last for so long. You get branded with a name that you can't get out of. So you have to offer new things to get new people. Or to keep the people you have and try to keep the name on the quieter side.

When you get put into a category that isn't appealing to a lot of people it starts to show. Business gets slower and less people are around. So what can you do? Offer them a reason to be there. We're not here because of the customer, we're here for the customer.

Some times I wonder why things like this don't seem like common sense to others. It seems to be working for the more corporate world.

Maybe it's just the survival instincts but I'm not really wanting to find a new place to work. I'd rather see the establishment offer up specials to keep the people coming in. I definitely don't want to find a new place to work just so I have to go through all the new beginnings and niceties.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Corpulent Demoiselle's...

"Do you know who my favorite bouncer is?" She smiled a wide grin as she stared at me.

"I have no idea, can I see your id?" I knew where she wanted this conversation to go but I didn't bite.

"You ask me for this every time I come in here." Her eyebrows came together, pushed up and her bottom lip lowered into a pout position.

"Just doing what I get paid to do." Which wasn't a complete lie but an easy way to get away from the conversation she wanted. I looked at the id for a second and gave it back to her. I recognized her from the many visits she's made to the establishment as of late. "There ya go, have a good time." and I motioned towards the door. She and her friend walked inside.

This scenario has happened a few times lately with different women. I always tend to break off the conversation in a way that I have to do my job. I do this for different reasons. Mostly because I'm sober and they're usually drunk but usually because I just don't find them attractive.

Since I'm at work I don't want to give them a foul taste in their mouth about the establishment. I can't be bluntly honest. It might deter them and their friends from coming back. With the economy the way it is now, it's better for them to come back even if it is to try again. When they do, I'll think of some other way to dodge that bullet.

Not to say that I'll act this way towards every woman that walks in the door. After all, I am a male. Even I can succumb to a pretty face at times. I'm just not very attracted to a woman that could take me in an arm wrestling match or a pie eating contest.

I'm more a fan of the smaller variety.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Rock Star Lines V...

"Is Chris in there?"

"Excuse me?"

"Chris. You know Chris. He in there?"

"I have no idea. The line is over there. Please wait in it."

"Oh no. You know Chris. He wears a plaid hat. Is he in there?" She was all of 100lbs soaking wet. "I'm here to save him from getting his ass kicked."

"Then no, he's not in here." I have no idea who Chris is.

"Listen, if your lying to me then that's just rude. All I want to do is go in and get him and pull him out of here."

"That's nice. All I want is for you to go wait in the line right over there." I point to the end of the line that is about half a block away.

"Really? Your going to make me wait in this line? I'm not attractive?"

"I'll answer yes, you decide which question I'm answering." At this point I figured the whole Chris story was bullshit anyways. Seeing as how it went from concern for her friend to whether or not she's attractive.

"So I can go in?"

"You didn't ask if you could. Go wait in line."

Often times people make up such random stories to see if they can skip lines. It's never really made much sense to me. Often times it's so easy to trip people up in their own stories. Names change in mid story or they just change it entirely because they see it's not working. Granted, if the story is entertaining enough it works sometimes. Especially if it brings me out of a state of boredom for a minute.

"Really? I have to wait?"

"Yep. Just like all these other people."

She sighed, rolled her eyes, turned and walked away. She walked towards the end of the line and kept going around the block.

Her friend Chris must have been really important to her.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Buy your guns now!...

I'm sure by now you've heard about all these gun enthusiasts running out to buy guns after Obama got elected. It's due to Obama being supportive of the 2nd Amendment but also supportive of gun bans.

There are talks that Obama might reinstate the semi-automatic assault rifle ban that was enacted in 1994 under the Clinton administration and expired in 2004. Personally, I don't really see a reason to have that type of a gun in your house. However, I do believe you should have the right to own one.

I also believe that it should be ok to carry a pistol. Maybe not everyone should be able to but at least the people that are willing to go through the background checks and certain training. There are certain areas in the nation that open carry is legal. From what I've seen crime rates have dropped in those areas. Who's going to try and jump you if they think you might have a gun too? Now their mortality is on the line as well as yours.

For people that have the "no guns in a household with children", I have this to say. Take the initiative to teach your kids gun safety. Or keep the guns somewhere where your kids can't get to them. This is what they make gun safes for. Guns don't need to be left out and loaded. Use your head. If your not smart enough to keep your kids safe from the items that keep you safe then a phrase comes to mind.

"Thinning of the herd."

Friday, November 14, 2008

Written on a wall...

The other day I saw this written on a wall.

"Obama wins!! Racism is over! Down with the white supremacists!"

I couldn't help but think how out of touch this person really is. I have no idea how long this had been up on the wall. It could have been written on the very night of the elections as far as I know. Maybe they were just all jacked up on the high.

Just because a man is elected President and that particular man has certain qualities in his heredity doesn't mean that will change the way thousands of yokels think. Yea, it would be great if this accomplishment changed the minds of every single racist idiot. Realistically thinking, it might change the thoughts of a few hundred. If we're lucky.

If you truly want to see if racism is gone or not then talk to people. Offer them an intelligent argument or even make certain jokes. I warn you though, depending on the person this might lead you to getting your ass kicked.

In my line of work you run into it a lot. If a club has a dress code policy then that club is racist. It has nothing to do with the club trying to keep a specific style. It's a direct racist attack against the person that is wearing the wrong kind of clothing. At least that's what that person thinks.

Let's say you work at a club. Your duty is to use a hand held metal detector on every person that walks in. You skip a couple people because they're your friends or they walked outside to smoke. The next person that walks up is a black person with baggy clothes on. You ask them to stop so you can swipe them with the metal detector. They start the argument that you didn't swipe the last two people. Obviously your only swiping this person because they're black, your racist and you think they're carrying.

Now every person has different experiences in life. I've known a very limited few white people that were racist. I keep myself away from them. If I need to talk to them about something I will but I don't have a need to keep company with people like that. I've also known a lot of black people that are much more racist. Typically I've met them through work either from working together or from them being assholes at the door. I'm a big white guy that works the door and if I don't let you in for what ever reason I'm racist. I've heard it from blacks, asians, middle easterners and even white guys who think they're black.

It would be great if everyone could remove racism from their lives. I don't think it will ever happen. As long as someone looks at another person and thinks they might be bad in some way, racism will never die.

It's ingrained in us all from the very roots of our lineage. It can get better. People can forget about the color in people but they can't forget about the feelings they have towards certain character types.

They might forget that Chris is a black man but they won't see past what Chris wears.His baggy pants, unlaced shoes, hoody, vest and hidden face. They'll see how dirty his clothes are and how he walks in the dark lit streets. They'll stop to wonder if he's going to try and sneak up on them without realizing that he's just walking home from work. They'll never even notice if he's black. They see the character not the color.

And if you really want to know if racism is dead. Ask any non-white gentleman over the age of 60. They'll tell you tales that you can't believe.

Sunday, November 09, 2008


There are differences in positions when it comes to security at clubs. There are the doormen that are at the front door and the men and women that do security inside. There are some that stay in one spot and others that roam about. I've worked them all.

I hated being the guy that had to stay in one spot. Usually your stationed at a doorway that requires certain passes to get through. The most problems you usually get are from over eager ladies wanting to get backstage to meet their favorite bands. You get propositioned in many ways from money to sexual favors. None of which are really that important if your being taken care of properly by your employer.

I did like being the roamer. You get to walk around and see everything that's going on. If there's a problem called out over the radio you were to be there before the call was over. You get to catch the people doing drugs, break up fights, catch people sneaking in booze, and the people having sex in weird places. You basically get to walk around, keep your eyes open and mingle.

The front door position is usually given to the guys with the most seniority or best people skills. Mainly the guys that have been in the establishment the longest and know the most regulars. This spot can have it's benefits over the others. You get recognized more (which could be good or bad), possibilities of tips for doing favors, and you get to control more of the crowd. Not only is it your job to decide who comes in but you get to do it as you see fit. This can become more of a power trip then you would think. If abused it can give management a good reason to let you go.

Now, not to sound rough but until a person actually gets to the front door position your not a Doorman. If you take your position inside the club and stay there all night. Your not a doorman. Your just part of the security team inside the club. In the grand scheme of the ladder effect your close to the bottom of the security rankings.

It's not a bad thing. Every person that has ever done security at a club has been on the bottom rung. I was there for a few years. It's part of the gig. You start off at the bottom and if you can handle it you make your way up. Until you make it to that spot, don't try to play yourself off as someone more important, especially to your peers. It's not very nice and it's a little like lying. Doormen don't usually care much for people that do that.

I only bring this up because I was approached by a person looking for a job. He had told me about his days at a venue and how he had been working the front door there for close to a year. We got to talking and I let him talk and talk. He had plenty of stories about busting heads, women falling all over him and the deals he made at the door. Stories that no person in their right mind would tell a future employer if they really wanted a job.

If you go on about how many teeth you knocked out of a guys head or how you made an easy $400 to let people skip lines I'm not going to hire you. Sounds two sided since I talk about that a lot on here but here's the difference. I'm not out bragging about this stuff to regular people. I'm not going to tell any person I walk up to that I'll accept bribes at the door. I'm sure as hell not going to tell that to a future employer. And yes, I will tell all new hires that they can not accept money at the door. This way when I catch them doing it I have ways of taking a small part of what's mine. Sounds evil but so is life at times.

So old boy keeps going on about his accomplishments at this venue he used to work at. Thing is, he doesn't know that I used to work there as well. I know the head doorman there. I also know that this guy wasn't him.

"So you were the head doorman over there?"

"Yea man. It was pretty solid but the pay wasn't that great."

"I wouldn't think so if you were taking bribes."

"Yea, you know. All doormen do at some point."

"Not the answer I was looking for. How's TD doing over there?"


"Yea, TD. The head doorman that's been there for 10 years or more."

"He's doing good."

"He's still there? I thought you were the head doorman?"

"Oh no man.. I was a roamer in there. I never actually worked the door."

"Big difference. So you weren't a doorman, you were security. Sorry man, only hiring doormen."

He came in with his guns blazing thinking that the stories would get him the spot. The stories got him nothing. Most places these days aren't looking for big bruisers any more. They're looking more for the coolers. The people that can walk up to a situation and calm it down and take care of it without problems.

No place is ever looking for a person that lies about their position or previous employment.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Obama Blues...

"Iz blue..."

"Excuse me?"

"I tol you.. thad thig id blue..."

"Yea.. ok then. Have a good night man."

"Yea.. Id'z ok.. I live round tha block o'er dere. I'm good."

"I'm sure you are. You should start heading home now."

Sometimes drunks are just funny. They start off stumbling up with one hand on the wall and then they just start rambling off things that make no sense. This guy with his suit and tie made no sense the entire time he was standing outside trying to get in. He kept talking about where he lived and the color blue. Everything was blue to him.

As a rule, I don't talk about politics at work. As a rule, no one should talk politics at a place that serves alcohol. It usually turns into a heated topic and someone usually ends up getting upset. Then he started, "You vote for bama?" I just looked at him and didn't respond. Not because I didn't want to say yes but because I don't talk politics at work.

"You did.. din't you? Cocksucker... you jus kilt me..."

"Listen man, you need to walk away now. Your not coming inside."

"I make 2 million dollas a year... You jus killt me... cocksucker.."

This is where he can thank the new era of video. In the past I would have asked him a little less gently to leave. These days with video cameras all over the place it's harder to convince people to leave. He was drunk to the point that a feather could have knocked him over. He was falling between slurs and sleeping by each breath.

After a few minutes a few customers came walking out. With each one passing the man gave them all a warm friendly greeting, "asshole" "cocksucker". Then Paulie was the last one to walk out. "idiot"

Paulie had seen the guy walk up and seen how drunk he was. After hearing the man insult everyone as they walked out he took it a little serious. "Listen man, I can't have you out here being drunk and insulting my customers. You need to move on."

"Yea.. you voted for him too... You just killt me..."

"I don't know or want to know what your talking about. Move on. Walk away."

The guy tried to talk more but Paulie just turned and ignored him. Usually when you ignore someone long enough they'll either get really pissed or they'll walk away. This guy didn't do either. He just kept mumbling about where he lived and how stupid we were. As if we really cared that he makes so much money and now he's going to get taxed more fairly on it.

Honestly, I hope the taxes get raised on people making more than $250,000 a year. It might make things better for everyone else. Maybe it'll actually help people like me out with health care and other things that we need but can't afford. When you make $25k a year and your rent totals up to $15k a year it'd be nice to get a break somewhere.

A few minutes later the guy decided to try to walk in again. I pushed the door closed and put my hand up, "You can not come into this establishment."

"Yer fuckin racist.. Id's cuz I'm black right?" Right after he said that a few people walked up. "Fuck thiz guy.. he's racist.. he won't led me in cuz I'm black..." The first girl in the group stopped and looked at me. Then she turned and looked at him. Then she started laughing and walked in.

She started laughing because all 5'9" and 180lbs of him was white. He was white, bald and wearing a suit and tie. Any more white and I would have needed sunglasses.

Next 15 minutes was interesting. He kept walking up to people and telling them that I was racist. I wouldn't let him in because he was black. Some people played along with him and some people told him to get away from them.

He finally left, stumbling his way down the street. Tomorrow he won't remember a thing but I will. So if he does decide to come back I'll know not to let him in.

He was on a mission to upset someone to see if he could let out some of his pent up anger. He's not happy with Obama's idea of taxes. I am though, a person like that needs to put more money back into the system.

Maybe it'll help take out the "high and mighty" sensibility that he has.

Front or Back...

Have you ever noticed the difference a position at work changes the way people look at you? I have.

Between working the door and working behind the bar people look at you much differently. Recently I was offered a shift that I've had before at a different venue. I believe it was offered to me in order to keep me quiet and secure. In hopes that I wouldn't get pissed off and just up and leave.

Over the years of talking with Paulie I've made it clear the jobs that I didn't want and the jobs that I wanted. I've said that management was an interest. I've said that a slow bartending night was of interest. I've said that a barback position was never an interest.

Why wouldn't I want a barback position? Well, from my point of view the barback is actually the bartender that stocks the shelves and cooler at the end of the night. Your the bartender that does all the heavy work. Technically, the bartender that doesn't do the stocking is the senior person and only has to tip you out 27% of the tips. Usually on a slow night it's a 46 - 54 split because the barback does get tipped out by the waitress as well.

So of course, the position that was offered to me was the barback position. Which is typical of most clubs that I've worked with. You start out as security, go to barback and if you stick around long enough you get a bartending position. This would all be fine with me if not for one thing. I was promised a management position. Instead it was given to a different person. I was told that the position was given to the other person due to a lack of bartending experience on my part.

My argument is this.

How hard is it to walk up to a person sitting at a bar, ask them what they'd like, serve them, and then put the money in the register. It's not a complicated thing. I'd dare say a person could do this job without as much as a GED. Besides, I've worked in bars and I've worked behind them. Politics corrupt even the venue.

Despite my disapproval, I decided to take the barback position that was offered me. It was easy enough. I walked up to people, asked them what they wanted to drink, served them and put the money in the register. Strange that I could do that so well as a barback but not as a bartender. Throughout the night I stocked the booze and beer.

I did this for a very limited time. I ended up giving up the position on the simple facts that I didn't want to spend more time in the establishment. This shift was added on to all the shifts that I already had there working the door and I didn't want to be there any more than needed. Even though the extra $50 was nice, it wasn't worth being there.

After I gave up the shift I noticed other things. It's strange the amount of attention you get when you're behind the bar. I received phone numbers from women that are still regulars that never paid any attention to me before when I worked the door. Was I really that much different when I worked behind the bar as compared to working the door?

A couple weeks after giving up the bar shift I started getting questions from these same women.

"When do you work behind the bar again?"

"I gave up that shift. It just wasn't worth being here that extra night."

"Oh... ok."

After that I'd see them come in and I'd say hello but they wouldn't have anything to say. I even called one after she had given me her number while I was working behind the bar. She wasn't interested any more.

It's funny, a lot of people seem to think that working the door is the lowest position you can have at a venue. I don't really know why they think that.

The guy at the door talks to every person that walks in. He's the first person that every person sees when they walk in and a lot of time he's the one that will determine if you decide to come in. If he's nice and friendly then you'd come in. If he's pissy then you'll probably decide to go somewhere else. On a busy night, he's the one that determines if you'll be waiting in the line or skipping the line. If you're involved in an argument he can help determine if you leave or stay. He can use some influence in getting you cheap drinks at times.

In my opinion, it's a down grade to take a position where you might make $4 an hour and depend on tips. Especially with the economy in a rut the way it is now. I don't think my landlord or utilities would understand when I don't make enough tips to pay my bills.

Not to say that bartenders don't make decent money. I know some that make $300 - $400 in a 4 hour shift. They're the ones that have the weekend shifts when it's busy. The guys on the slow weeknights usually make between $100 - $200. So sure, if you have a few shifts spread out amongst a few different places there's an opportunity to make some cash.

For me, it's not worth my time to give up a door shift to take a shift where I could make between $50 - $100. Not to forget my $5 hourly... which comes out to be about $15 after taxes if I'm lucky.
Honestly, how many bartenders take any one that hits on them seriously? The bartenders probably get hit on by dozens of people a night. I'm sure there are a few exceptions out there but I'm sure most of the time it's a one nighter and that's it. Not too bad of a trade, sex for cheap drinks.

I found it funny how uninteresting I became after I gave up the shift. I also noticed how many more people wait in line to get in now.

Man, I'm an asshole.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Soothsaying from a Sayer of Sooth...

The big election night was last night. It was an event that gripped the nation. It was one of the biggest events this nation has seen in decades. No matter the outcome it was going to make history either by voting in our first African American President or our first female Vice President.

But I have to say, it bothers me to say African American just as much as it would to say Irish American. If a person is born here in the United States I'm much more comfortable just saying American. After all, is a person less or more of a person just due to their lineage? I don't think so.

It's not very often that the establishment that I work in turns off the music and turns up the television. The whole place was so quiet that people looked over when someone ordered a drink, as if their quiet voiced order would take away from the experience. It was also strange to hear the customers chant along with the "Yes we can" during Obama's acceptance speech.

I have to say, the speech that Obama gave was very good. It covered all the aspects that it possibly could. It drew from Martin Luther King JR and Abraham Lincoln. It drew from the people that started it all with their $5 donations all the way through the entire process to the people that were the most important during the entire campaign. It even went so far as to cover his ass when things might not go the way they're wanted to go in the next 4 years. It was a speech that kept you interested and kept you listening.

In January the new Camelot begins. The White House will have it's first young children since JFK. Along with them will also be the new puppy that their father promised them during his acceptance speech. Which, even I have to admit, brought a smile to my face.

A big part of me is pretty cynical. I tend to look at things through a different gaze then most. I look at a lot of things in a bad light. Maybe that's from the years of work that I've done where I have to expect the unexpected. Maybe it's from looking at people as they walk up to the door and in less than a minute I need to decide if that person is going to be a problem. That's right, I have to make a judgment call on every person that walks up to the door. I have to decide if I think that person might start a fight or be too intoxicated to even come in.

Granted, this has nothing to do with intoxication or an anger assessment. After you do this type of work it just sticks with you and your every day life.

Now onto the conspiracy part. A conspiracy is known to be an evil, unlawful, treacherous, or surreptitious plan formulated in secret by two or more persons; plot. I wouldn't say that this conspiracy is necessarily an evil or treacherous thing. In fact, I think this nation needed a jump start. I think it needed a person of darker skin to take the reigns in order to let a few things come to an even playing field. Not to say that it's not close to that now but nothing is perfect.

I do believe there were no problems with this election. I noticed that all the votes were in much faster than ever I remember before. You could say that's due to the early voting but I could say that would be a good cover up.

I don't believe it was a landslide victory. I just believe that all the right states were reported at the right times in order to make it seem like it was. A stronger reason to make the public believe that they wanted this very badly. This done in hopes that it might help to stifle the thoughts of the weaker minded racist faction.

Part of me believes that the Republicans went with McCain and Palin because they knew the outcome. McCain is older and not so healthy. Palin's thinking is completely backwards. Her views on abortion, classroom sex education and book banning were all very backwards and old. Let's face it, a large portion of the public thought they had a lower mentality. Which could sum up to be an easier win for the good guys.

So in a way, a person could believe that this was all put together to try and make the people believe that they've taken back their government. When in reality, we have a new President but how many of the lawmakers in the rest of the government will go along with their ideals?

Now what if Obama hadn't won? If he had lost, would it have pushed the nation farther back into a racist state? Would there have been riots? I think all of that would have happened. In fact, I heard from a reliable source that there were McCain supporters that were beaten down just for voting for McCain. Which is asinine. I'd even venture to say that the people involved didn't even vote.

Would there have been another civil war? I doubt it but I do believe there would have been many riots and even more talks about how racist America is. Yet, after electing Obama it opens the door to many other nationalities to run for the Presidency. It allows the country to be more open to newer views.

So overall, if this was a giant conspiracy to make the nation more open, to make the people believe they regained control, or even to try and hide the mistakes from the last three Presidents; then maybe it was a good thing.

Next on the agenda? Maybe revoke NAFTA so we can get our jobs back and our nation's strength. Maybe a health system that can benefit people, like myself, that work 40 hours or more a week but can't get insurance through our work. Maybe more thought into solutions that will last decades or centuries rather than quick and inefficient.

Dreams can become reality. Yes, they can.


I've tried to keep up with this blog but I've not been doing a good job. There are still many that come here on a daily basis to see if there are updates. I've even received a few emails about this.

Over the years I've tried to make it a priority over other things but that's not working very well. Life has a way of being more demanding than we'd all like. So I'm opening it up to more interesting things and I'm not going to try and keep it focused on the main subject of the work that I do.

I'll be intertwining it with popular subjects and posting my thoughts. That's what this whole thing was based on from the beginning and if you can't change with your thoughts then you can't change at all. Maybe more things will come to light.

So as the nation banked on Change, so will I. More posts on the way.

Be safe.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008


"Hows it going tonight?"

"Good, you?"

"Good. Can I see your id?"

"I'm just going in to get my roommate."

"That's fine. I still need to see your id."

"Naw, that's cool man. I work down the street," he reaches for the door.

"That's great. I still need to see your id." My hand pushes the door closed.

"Listen man, I work down the street at Brockney's. I'm just going in to get my roommate and leave. I don't even want to come to this place."

"Well that's good since I can't let you in this place without seeing your id."

"Really? Your going to be an asshole about this?"

"Just as much as you. You realize you could have shown me your id and been inside talking to your roommate already right?"

"Fine. You want to be an ass about it? Here." He pulls out his wallet and shows me his id. Then he reaches for the door and I step in front of it. "What the fuck man!?"

"Listen. I think you need to try to call your roommate and have him meet you out here. You seem a little too worked up to go walking in here."


"Maybe if you didn't take such an attitude it'd be a different story. I don't appreciate being called an asshole."

"Are you always such an asshole to customers?"

"Only the ones that act like total douchebags."

"Man, fuck you. I should kick your ass."

"If you feel the need. Have a good night."

He turned and walked down the street and sat on a bus bench. A few minutes later one of the regulars, Pete, came walking out. "Hey, have you seen my roommate?"

"He have dark short hair, light complected, and act like a douchebag?"

"Oh man.. I'm sorry man. Was he being a dick?"

"He was being an ass. He's sitting down on the bus bench."

"Can he come in?"

"Don't you think he would be if he could?"

"Yea.. you got a point."


Sometimes you hear people speak enough that you just don't want to hear it any more.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008


I was standing outside when the door opened and a girl in her mid-twenties walked out with her phone to her head. "Yes Mom, we're fine. We just left choir practice and we're on our way back to the apartment."

I guess she wasn't completely lying if the bar is on the way home.

"No, there was a guy on the train with a radio..... Yes, I know... Listen, practice went a little late tonight, that's all."

I looked at my watch, it was 2:15 in the a.m.

"Mom... just go to bed. I'll call you tomorrow... ok?" There was a couple minute pause. "Yes Mom, we'll be fine. Just go to bed and I'll call you tomorrow. Good night."

She walked back into the bar and resumed her drinking with her friends.

I had a little laugh at the imagery of her mother sitting at the phone worried about her little girl in the city. Parents always worry, or at the least wonder, about their kids.

Made me start to think about my parents. Not so much my father because he's already six feet under, but about my mother. Maybe her worrying and wonderment is what got her to make the vest for me that I wear on certain nights.

Think I might give her a call tomorrow.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

I know people...

It happens when your a kid. You get starstruck when you meet famous people. You don't know what to say or how to act. You might get butterflies in your stomach, start to cry or just become stupid to the point that you don't know what to do.

I've been one of those kids before. Back when I was in my late teens and I met Ozzy Osbourne on a rare occasion. Although I think my babbling sounded the same as Ozzy speaking.

When you work in a music venue you tend to meet a lot of interesting people. Anything from the coke heads to the people that stammer on about wanting to meet their idols. Sometimes you meet both in the same person. That usually turns out to be really annoying or funny. Have you ever heard a person that's super hyper try to talk 10 times faster than they do when they're all coked out? It becomes a giant slur of incomprehensible jibberish.

Most situations with bands are pretty simple to handle at the door. It's always the same basic story, the person trying to get in knows someone in one of the bands. "They were supposed to leave me a ticket", "They said they left a pass here for me". We don't handle that stuff. The production manager or his assistant takes care of all of that. Not our problem.

One of the interesting things that's happened is similar. One of the guys that works at the venue is trying very hard to make a name for himself as a DJ. Even though he doesn't dj anywhere except at work. To me, he's not trying hard enough.

So on one particular night, he was djing between bands and it was a fairly popular show. No real big national names but bigger local names. He had tried like hell to get a guest list for the show but the office said no. Technically he was working and he wasn't an "act". So when his friends walked up to the door we charged them full price. The funny part was they gladly paid because they were there to see the bands.

So when Toc found out that his friends were paying to get in, he got a little upset. He got even more upset when his friends didn't know he was even djing. He then went into explaining that the venue wouldn't let him have a guest list for his friends. He even went so far as giving his friends their money back out of his own pocket. Some of his friends accepted and some rejected.

Personally I thought this was funny. Here's a guy that most people only know because he can get them into shows for free. Then when he starts to play songs between bands they don't even care. I mean how many people go to see a guy play a playlist between bands? It's not his music. It's just plain old music played through an iPod.

It was even more funny to me how he acted towards people. When they didn't know he was djing he'd buy them drinks or give them their money back out of his pocket. It was the reverse effect in full action. He was starstruck on himself. He literally thought that these people were coming to watch him hit play on his iPod and not to see the bands that were playing live. How does a person get that stuck on themselves?

At the end of the night he was hanging with his friends and we were clearing the place out. He tried to get his friends to stick around but they were going to another place. They were about to leave and we reminded him that he was still on the clock. He asked if he could leave and we told him he could. As soon as he pulled all of the garbage and took it out to the dumpster.

A fitting end to his Rock Star night.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


My stress level has either dropped or I've overloaded it.

Remember when your parents used to say, "I've had it up to here with you!" and they would draw an imaginary line near their neck. That's basically how I feel but my stress line has always been much higher. I've learned over the years how to handle a lot of stress. However, I'm being overloaded with stress and numerous other things.

Work has been the same as always except for a couple things. An establishment close to ours has decided to start doing hip hop nights. It's drawn huge attention from certain types. The people that go to this place have a tendency to hang on the sidewalk in front instead of going inside. This deters people from walking down the sidewalk. I've literally seen people cross the street in order to walk that direction down the road.

Now, I'm not against this particular type of event occurring. Not as long as the establishment can handle what's going on. As long as they can police their own property and make sure gang activity, drinking outside and such matters are under control.

A few years ago there was a place just down the road that had this same event. They could not handle the situation and it turned into a shooting gallery. Not only were guns involved but knives and constant fights. They could not handle the event and the owners did what they thought was right. They closed down, remodeled and removed all chances for live entertainment. Personally, I thought that wasn't the best idea. They could have brought on extra personnel and the proper equipment to handle the situation. They could invest in hand held metal detectors and patted everyone down as they came in.

So here's my worry. Being in such close vicinity of this venue has caused some problems here as well. We've had some problems now with gang bangers coming in. They come in, grab ass, throw around their gang signs and cause arguments. This isn't a problem that bothers me. The problem that bothers me is what they might be carrying.

Here it is illegal to wear a bullet proof vest unless your a cop. Luckily I know the right people and I have been able to acquire something very similar. Most of the cops I know already know that I wear it at work. They don't care because they know it's useful for me and I'm not a threat.

If I'm lucky I'll be out of this business soon. While I can recognize the changes in the neighborhood it seems that the management and owners can not. They don't seem to know the problems that are happening. They seem to think that they're paying me enough to deal with it. Well, they're not.

No matter what you do, it always comes down to money. You can do the same job your entire life but if the money never changes you'll find a way out fast.

With the economy changing as it has, wages need to go up in order to survive. Or the economy needs to become better. Take a guess which one will happen first. Neither. It will be a stalemate until the person that is earning the money makes the change. That person is me. I'm not getting a raise or any type of benefit by keeping this job. It's time I moved on.

More as it occurs.

Be Safe.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Tweet Tweet...

Since posting here has become a rare occurance (not done yet though) I've decided to do some mobile Tweeting on Twitter.

I use Twitter now for updates but I think there's more potential.

Feel free to follow me at:

If your already on Twitter you know what it's all about. If not, check it out. You might just like it.

Posts will be back very soon. You'll hear all about the many things that have filled up time as of late.

Be Safe.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


The blog will be on a hiatus for a while. How long? I don't know. Certain events have arose and this is keeping my hands tied.

I will be writing posts but I will not be publishing them until the right time has come.

It's nothing too serious so don't worry too much. I should be back in a few weeks.

Until then.

-Be safe.

Friday, August 08, 2008

D.I.C.K. VI: Pennsylvania...

Pennsylvania. State of Independence.

The Story.

When you work at different places it's good to see familiar faces from the other place. Sometimes it's fun and other times it's not. I guess it all depends on how you handle situations.

After seeing a person at one establishment for months, constantly coming in and drinking, you wouldn't think there'd be a problem with them at a different establishment. Good thing I rarely think in that fashion.

I had seen this girl drink at my other job many times. She was always really nice and always had good things to say. So one night we were talking and she asked if it would be ok if she came to the other place that I worked. Unknowingly, I said that it would be cool if she did.

A few weeks go by and the girl seemed to disappear. I didn't see her at the normal spots.

One night at work a group of girls come walking up and I start to i.d. them. Somewhere in the middle a girl hands me her i.d. and says, "Hey Mike, I'm taking you up on your offer."

The i.d. I can see is fake and then I look up to see the girl's face. There she was. The girl that was constantly drinking at my other job. She had reappeared and now I could either do my job and take away her i.d. or I could just ignore it and let her in.

"What do you mean your keeping that?" She was pissed. "I thought you were my friend. That's why I came here."

"Friend or not, I'm doing what I get paid to do. If I knew you were underage I'd never let you drink in the other place." I didn't work the door at the other place. I just kept an eye on the inhabitants.

"They let me in all the time."

"Not anymore." I slid the i.d. into my back pocket. We had words for about 20 minutes going back and forth. I don't think I've said "No" so many times before.

The next time I worked at the Secondary I mentioned the i.d. to TD.

"Yea, I was up here when she gave Jake the story bout you taking her i.d. away." TD continued, "I asked her why you took it away and she said 'because it was fake'. Jake told her to be quiet and she narced him out for knowing. Dumb Bitch... Had to fire Jake after that."

The Fake.

This was a decent fake. It looked real but the hologram once again was the tip off.

A normal Pennsylvania license has a hologram on it that lists off the counties in the state. Which tends to be a pretty normal thing on some licenses.

This one had an eagle with it's wings spread in the middle with the terms GENUINE, SECURE, AUTHENTIC, and VALID going around it. Plus it had wavy lines going around all of that. Definite fake hologram material.

Once again, here's a better picture of what the hologram looks like.

When you compare the two pictures you can slightly see the hologram on the picture of the license.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Dog Butts...

I've heard people say that there's a fine line between a drunk and an alcoholic.

I guess if you consider that a drunk doesn't necessarily need to drink there could be that fine line. Most alcoholics that I've known have to have those 6 or 8 beers a day. So there is a difference between the two but most drunks act the same way alkies do when they don't get their booze. Angry.

It's even worse when it's a relative or a fellow employee.

The bar industry is a perfect place for drunks. They like to drink so why not give them a job where they get to do what they like?

Too many times employees get to hang out after hours on nights they don't even work. They stick around and try to stick their nose up everyone's ass trying to be funny and cool. They get on my nerves but they seem to be cute and outgoing to all the other ass sniffers.

Which on a totally different level reminds me of a story my father told me when, as a child, I asked, "Dad, why do dogs always smell other dogs buts?"

The story goes like this..

One day all the dogs and cats in the world gathered together in a great hall. They were meeting together to devise a way to take over the world. They knew the meeting would take a long time so when they all arrived they hung up their assholes at the door. Kind of like we hang our coats in the closet. This way none of them would have to get up to use the bathroom.

As all the dogs and cats arrived the closets were filling up with assholes. In the middle of the meeting a little bird flew in through the window and landed on the fire alarm. All the dogs and cats jumped up and started to run around. They were scared because the fire alarm was going off and they wanted to get out of the building. So they all ran to the door way and instead of taking their time to find their own asshole they just grabbed one on their way out.

So even now they're constantly sniffing each others asses to see if they can find their own asshole or an asshole that could be family.

Friday, August 01, 2008

D.I.C.K. V: Oklahoma...

Oklahoma. Everything's going to be OK.

The Story.

On most slower nights I like to step outside and check i.d.'s. It's usually slow enough inside that there aren't many people to have to watch over.

On one slower night, a small group of four or five girls came walking up. I asked them how their night was going and they said it was going great. Then they asked if Vincent was here yet.

Vincent is a doorman from a different establishment. He's been coming by on a regular basis. I only know him because he made a point of letting me know where he works. Which at certain times can be annoying but if brought up in conversation is fine. I rarely have conversations with people that are new regulars. Actually, I rarely have conversations with anyone while I'm working.

I explained to the girls that I had not seen Vincent as of yet. One of the girls mentioned that they were to meet him here and that they had just left the place he worked. I nodded and said ok and then asked to see their i.d.'s. They all started pulling their i.d.'s out of their wallets and purses.

I started checking their i.d.'s and the first four were good. Then I came upon the last girl.

Right from the start, as soon as I turned the i.d. and saw the holograms on it I asked for a 2nd form of i.d. Of course she didn't have one so I told her that I'd be holding onto this i.d. until she could provide a second form.

Just as the girls were about to start arguing, Vincent walked up.

The girl the i.d. came from ran up to Vincent and started talking to him. They stood there for a few minutes and he kept looking over towards me. The girl turned and Vincent walked up to me. "Hey man, she's legit. She's been in my bar all night and I carded her at the door. If you don't want them here just say that."

I stood there with a flat face looking Vincent in the eye. "Listen man... I don't know where you learned to check i.d.'s but this is 100% fake. I suggest you learn how to card people. The i.d. is fake and she's not getting it back."

Vincent then turns sideways to me and leans over towards me. "Come on man, don't make me look bad. Just let her have it back and we'll go somewhere else."

I don't take the liberty of whispering. "If I wanted you to look bad I'd just call your boss and explain to him that your not only letting under age kids into your bar but your trying to bring them into mine. I'm sure he'd appreciate knowing that your putting his liquor license and his business into jeopardy every night you work the door."

Vincent stood there staring at me.

I added, "She's not getting it back. You might as well leave."

The Fake.

It is rare that we get Oklahoma licenses around here. The main give away that this was a fake was the hologram.

You can see parts of the hologram in this copy. The terms SECURE, GEUINE, VALID, and AUTHENTIC are all visible on this scanned copy of the i.d.

I've also added what the entire hologram looks like underneath the scanned copy.

The two eagles on the sides weren't very visible in the scanned copy.

At least with the hologram picture you can have a better idea of what is visible with the naked eye.

Any State i.d. that you come across with this type of hologram is fake. It should be confiscated or cut up right there and then.

If your policy is to cut up the fake i.d.'s that you come across make sure that you keep a piece so that they can't just be taped back together.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Selfish Bastard...

It's never good to have a good friend leave. In a completely selfish manner you don't want them to leave. Not because you want them to be miserable but because you don't want to be.

Yea, that's right. I'm the asshole tough guy and I'm the one that doesn't want a good friend to leave. Why? Because it shakes up my world.

Extremely selfish when you look through my point of view.

However, it's a good thing to have your world shaken up every once in a while. It helps to break up the monotony. It also gives you a good reason to go on a vacation in the future. It also helps you think about getting out yourself. Change can be a good thing for anyone.

So be careful out there Spanky.

It's a much stranger life out there.

Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.

Good luck and we'll talk soon.

Friday, July 25, 2008

D.I.C.K. IV: Michigan...

Michigan. The Hi 5 state?

The Story.

A girl walks up to the door. She's got long blonde dreadlocks with a scarf around her head. She pulls her chain wallet out of her back pocket and opens it up to show me her i.d. I ask her to take it out of the wallet and she does.

I look at the i.d. and notice that the picture is very dark and that the background seems foggy. Looking closer at the i.d. I notice that the lettering is blurry and some of the words are so fuzzy that they're hard to read.

In the girl's picture on the i.d. it looks like she has either a shaved head or her hair pulled back. Even that was hard to tell. So I turn the i.d. over and check the edges and find that the i.d. is starting to come apart on one of the corners.

I ask her for another form of i.d. and she says she doesn't have anything else with her.

I explain to her that I'm keeping the i.d. until she can produce another form. She tries to argue but leaves when she sees that I won't budge from my decision.

The Fake.

After looking at the i.d. and noticing the dark background, fuzzy lettering and dark picture, I knew something was up with it. When I noticed that one of the corners was starting to split I knew that the i.d. couldn't have been real.

After the night was over I took a closer look at the i.d. I never want to take apart a fake i.d. just so that I can show it to my other doorstaff and give them reference material for when they're working the door. I did notice what looked like a 2nd i.d. underneath the top layer.

After showing the i.d. to a few people I decided to take it apart. I used some adhesive removal liquid and slowly removed the top layer. Underneath that layer was the girl's real driver's license.

As you can see by the picture, the real i.d. is much brighter in color. The lettering is much easier to read and the picture is much easier to see. You can also see that she was four years younger than what the top layer had claimed she was.

She had removed the Under 21 lettering that was above her picture, changed her birth date and she change the expiration date. She didn't change her license number or any of the other information.

One of the things that she couldn't change or even put on the top layer is the hologram that Michigan uses on their i.d.'s. Holograms very rarely can be added to fakes in a manner that they look real.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Things change. People don't...

If you've been reading for a while you'll remember some posts about me wanting to change paths. Doing this type of work for a long period of time will tend to do that to you.

I have ideas about the future. It entails me owning my own establishment. In order to do that I've been working in this industry for a long time so that I can get the experience that I want to have. The experience is essential when pursuing this type of an endeavor.

So there's my reasoning for wanting to do more and different positions.

In my opinion, I don't need to know how to bartend in order to open a bar. Granted, it's a good thing to know but I don't see it as a necessity. I figure that I'll hire bartenders when the time comes to open my own place. After all, who's going to bring more money into a bar, the big scary brute or the cute little lady?

Cute little ladies will always bring more money into a bar or club faster than any man will. Unless it's a gay bar or a male strip club. Neither of which I plan on running or opening.

So the experience that I'm truly looking for is actual bar management. Purchasing, paperwork, shift managing, problem solving and all the rest. All of which I have from previous and present jobs but none of the previous jobs were in the bar industry.

I'm putting a time limit of ten years on my goal of ownership. Basically, I want to have my own place up and running before that ten years is up. Maybe this blog can help with that, maybe it won't. Either way I plan on it happening through the many different contacts that I've already made.

I've had some positive interests already. All I need to do now is get the ball rolling. Scout locations and get the proper legal information. Which I'll gladly do once I have the ability to take a little time off.

Money is also a huge factor in opening such a business. Which is another reason behind working so much and not having the proper time to update here. I'm working on that and getting posts up and ready.

The scheduling option on this blog is great for that. I can put together some posts and schedule them to post on certain dates. This will work great for the D.I.C.K. posts. I have a few up and ready to publish for the next few Fridays.

Summer time is always a busy time. I'll try to keep you all informed of what's going on the best I can. Until then...

Be Safe.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Bum Da Dee Bum Bum....

"You let that guy in here?" TD was not happy. "The fuck's your problem man!? You know he's a bum."

It was a fairly slow night and the bands weren't pulling many people. I was sitting at the front door reading a magazine. Without raising my eyes from the article I said, "Hey, he had money for the cover and an i.d. I figure we give him 5 minutes and then toss him out."

TD's eyes got big, "Yea, you go with that. Hope you don't get Hepatitis when he tries to bite you."

"I'm not too worried about it."

"Yea... You will be after he bites you."

A few minutes later the manager came walking up to the door. He looked at TD and asked "You let that guy in here?" TD just points at me.

"Mike, you wanna get rid of your little friend you let in?"

I put down the paper and jump up, "Sure thing. Just so you know, he did pay to come in."

"I don't care, he fuckin stinks."

I grab the 6D cell flashlight and start off into the venue. After walking through the minimal crowd I found the bum in the bathroom. He was standing there staring at himself in the mirror. "Alright man, you gotta head out."


"You gotta leave. We got complaints about you."

"Man. I haven't been here no 5 minutes. You tellin me I gots to leave now?"

"That's what I said."

"Man, fuck you."

"Listen man, it's not up to you or me. I was told to get you out of here."

"Make me."

I stepped closer and grabbed his arm. He grabbed my arm with his other hand and I raised the 6D cell flashlight up over my shoulder in a striking position. He stood there staring at me and I never changed my facial expression.

"I'll tell you right now. I'll club you over the head enough times that it's gonna hurt a lot."

"You ain't gonna do shit." He then started to pull on my arm. I took the skinny end of the flashlight and jabbed him in the stomach with it. Then he let out a loud scream and fell down. The bathroom door opened and TD was standing there. "Need some help?"

"Just hold the door for me." I reached down and grabbed the bum by the ankles and started pulling. I dragged him out of the bathroom and over to the back door. As I got him almost out of the door he grabbed onto the sides of the doorway. He started screaming more and wouldn't let go. Until TD walked up.

TD let out two quick kicks and kicked both of the bums hands. After that he let go and I dragged him the rest of the way out. The bum kept holding his hands and I walked back inside.

After that the night was very quiet but we had something to talk about. TD kept asking me if the bum had bit me. I assured him that he hadn't. "You better go get tested man. You never know, he might of given you somethin."

"Man, I'm fine."

"Them bums man, they'll get you. They don't even have to touch you to give you something."

A couple days later we saw the bum walking by again. Both of his hands were bandaged. I was thinking that TD might have hurt him more than we thought. We didn't really care though.

"You must of hurt his hands pretty good."

"Man, fuck that guy. He wouldn't let go of the door."

"You might want to get tested man. I hear those bums can give you stuff without even touching them." TD turns and looks at me. "You kicked his hands. Just think if he bled on your shoes."

TD made an appointment to get tested the next day.

Friday, July 18, 2008


Due to uncontrollable situations today's post will be held up. There's a lot of things going on right now. I'll have a new D.I.C.K. post up very soon. Perhaps I'll make it up next week or I'll just skip this weeks and begin again next week.

Housing, work and people are major concerns right now.

Be Safe.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Click or Clique?...

There are cliques of people everywhere. They all seem to have their own little agenda and their own little ways of excluding people. In some ways everyone is a part of their own little clique.

It's funny how in some aspects of the nightlife there are a lot of cliques. Certain groups of people hang out at certain bars or clubs. The yuppies stay in their comfort zones and the drunks go to just about any place that serves booze and will let them in.

Then there's the people that don't drink but still work in these environments. There could be numerous reasons why they're there. Maybe they're reformed alcoholics and the best way for them to stay sober is to see people become idiots after drinking. Maybe they choose not to drink but just want to be around it.

Some of these people will usually never be in any of the cliques that are intertwined with the drinkers that they work with.

I've been working security in many different places over the past 10 - 12 years. As long as I'm on the clock, I don't drink. I take my job seriously. Some might say I take it too seriously but I know how I can get after drinking. I just don't want that darker side coming out while I'm at work.

So at the end of the night, while the barstaff is already toasted from drinking through their shift, I'm fully sober and a little aggravated at times. At this point I usually just grab my gear and head home.

During this time there are plans made. Bartenders talk with bartenders and make plans to do numerous different things. If anyone else is around to hear it, they might invite them as well.

One night I decided to hang out a little while. The bartenders were sitting around counting money and the new girl, Rachael, was hanging out with them making conversation. During their conversation a plan was being hatched by the bartenders to meet up on a day and go to dinner. Rachael, sitting with them, asked if she could go to. The bartenders went silent for a minute. They said it was a weekly thing they do and if she wanted to come it would be cool.

Rachael then looked over to me as I was walking past, "Hey Mike! Will you be there too?"

I stopped next to the table, "Be where?"

"Everyone's going to dinner tomorrow. You going too?" Rachael's eyes were glowing as if she was just invited to the most magical night of her life. Kind of pathetic really.

"I doubt it. I don't go where I'm not invited."

Now that might have been a bad way to answer if I didn't already know that they go there on the same day every week. Or if I didn't know that they've been doing it for six months or more. Or if they had invited me before.

The event had come up in conversation before with certain people. Other people have never brought it up, even avoiding it.

You see, that's the cliquey thing. Drinkers vs. Non-Drinkers. Serious vs. Not So Serious.

It's an observation, not a complaint.

Everything is probably better off this way.

Friday, July 11, 2008

D.I.C.K. III: California...

Welcome to California. Home to the Stars and Govnah Ahnold.

The Story.

It was early in the evening when a young male came walking up. Business was slow and there wasn't a lot of people out. As he walked up I asked for his i.d. and he pulled out his wallet. He held out his wallet so I could look at the i.d., I didn't even look at it and asked, "Can you take it out of the wallet?"

The guy stood there for a second and I repeated myself. Then he started to pull the i.d. out of his wallet. "This could take forever, it's a new wallet," he said as he struggled to get the i.d. out.

"That's fine, I got all day."

After a couple minutes and a struggle he pulled out his i.d. and handed it to me. Right from the start the i.d. felt very thick. I looked at it close and noticed that it seemed like it had a thick layer of plastic on it. I tried to bend it but it was very stiff and wouldn't bend.

Looking at the picture I could see that it was him but there was no way this was a real California i.d.

"You have any other i.d.'s with you?"

The kid went back to his wallet, "Yea, I have a couple credit cards and a..."

"Credit cards aren't i.d.'s. You have anything else with your name, picture and birth date on it?"

"Uh.. no.. is there a problem?"

"None at all but I can't let you in with this."

"Ok, that's cool," and he put out his hand as if I was giving the i.d. back to him.

"Yea. You can't have this back either. This is fake."

The kid hung his head, turned and walked away without an argument of any kind.

The Fake

As soon as the i.d. hit my hand I knew something was wrong with it. It felt twice as thick as any other i.d. that I've ever felt. Then after looking at it, it looked very cloudy like there was a film over top of the i.d. The picture and even the lettering looked blurry.

I looked at the picture and it was definitely the person that handed it to me.

The edges of the i.d. were worn down as if it had been around for a long time.

The hologram was very prominent. It stood out over the picture instead of partially blending in with the background.

California is one of the states that can boast about their i.d. being one of the hardest to reproduce. I've never had a good California fake. Most of the fakes I've gotten from California are horrible. They're in the same condition as this one.

After work I decided to do a little experimenting with it. I used my pocket knife to slowly pry the i.d. apart in the middle where it had already started to come apart. Once the knife made it in I started twisting it a little and I thought I saw another face in there.

Later, I was able to use a friend's bottle of Goo Gone. After letting it sit for a while the i.d. split in half very easily. At that point it was very easy to see the second face that was under neath.

After they split apart you could see the difference. The top i.d. was an i.d. for a male with dark hair and brown eyes. The i.d. that was on the bottom was for a female with dark hair and brown eyes.

Surprisingly they both had similar names. Her name was Carly and his was Carlos and they both had the same last name. Although her penmanship is horrible and her signature looks like her name is Carlg.

Maybe they were twins traveling together and he was holding her i.d. for her. All the heat just melted the i.d.'s together? Think that's possible?

Our friend must have had a really good sex change. Or perhaps it was an extremely flat chested female that wanted people to think she was a male?

Then again, it could just have been two really bad fakes stacked together and then shrink wrapped. But what do I know?

I think the story about the sex change would be more interesting.

Friday, July 04, 2008

D.I.C.K. II: Delaware...

It only seems fair that Delaware is the first state in these installments. After all, the state's motto is "The First State".

The Story.

As I was standing out front of the establishment a group of 4 or 5 young ladies came walking up. The were wearing nice dresses and they were all done up as if they just came from some kind of an event, such as a wedding. Usually this doesn't throw up any flags with me. Usually white collar women tend to dress a little better then the white collar men. By the time I see any white collar men their ties are pulled down or they're around their head in Rambo style. The reason that the flags went off was because these girls just looked too young to be that formal.

"How's it going tonight ladies?"

One girl answered as the others started searching for their i.d.'s, "Good, how are you tonight?"

"I'm doing well. I need to see your i.d.'s please. Was there a wedding tonight?"

"No, we're just out and about."

I looked over the i.d.'s and as I gave them back they all started to file into the establishment. Then I came to the last one.

I stood there for a minute looking at the i.d. There was just something about it that didn't sit well. It looked legit but I kept looking at the face of the girl that handed it to me and she kept looking around. Then I tilted the i.d. to see the holograms and I knew what was wrong. It was a complete fake.

According to the laws here, when we take away a fake i.d. they want us to take away the real i.d. as well. This way they have the person's real name and information when it comes to prosecution. I rarely ever do this. I figure that just taking away the i.d. is enough of a punishment. Some fake i.d.'s could cost close to $200.

I looked back at the girl and asked for a second form of i.d. Then I noticed that she was looking at the front door. I looked over my shoulder and saw one of the previous girls standing there.

"Miss, unless you have a real i.d., I can't let you in here. This i.d. is fake."

"Oh, ok... well... I'll just leave then," and she reached for the i.d.

I pulled my hand back and slipped the i.d. into my pocket. "You can leave but you can't have this back."

After seeing me put the i.d. into my pocket, the girl's friends all came walking back out. The typical arguments of "It's illegal to take that away", "Your stealing her property", and "We'll call the cops" ensued. I told them that I'd gladly call the cops if they wanted me to.

After a few minutes a squad car was driving by so I asked the girls if I should ask the cops to stop over. They said no and slowly walked away.

The Fake.

This is the i.d. that was presented to me. All in all it's a fairly decent fake. There are many different things wrong with it other than the hologram that I'm not going to get into at this time.

If you look closely at the i.d. you can partially see the hologram that was used. You can barely make out some lettering. That lettering is used to spell the word AUTHENTIC which is on the list of wording that will never be used on an i.d. that is issued by the US or State governments.

Along with the lettering are three Bald Eagle images in the middle. This particular image will also never be used on real i.d.'s.

As for the three images above and below the lettering and bald eagle images, I'm still wondering what they're supposed to be. I'm guessing that it's either a swooping bird of some type or just a blob of some kind. For easier viewing, I've also posted what the hologram looks like before it's applied to the card stock.

If you are working the door and you have an internet ready phone there's one other thing you could do. I did this as I was writing this entry.

Go to and enter in the address that is listed on the i.d.. I'd say that more than half of the time the addresses on the i.d.'s are fake. As it was with this one. The city, state and zip code were real but the actual street name did not exist on Google. Maybe it's not in their database but that and the hologram together would be enough for me to take away the i.d.

Actually, the hologram was enough all by itself.

Monday, June 30, 2008


Things have been a little crazy lately. People are being shifted around and positions are slightly changing. I'll be bringing up a few things in the next few weeks and trying my best to bring back a little normalcy. I've decided to get rid of the actual weekly updating restriction that I put on myself.

I thought that I could actually write more frequently if I wrote on specific days. Of course something like that never really works for me. Most of the things I do in regular life are no where near regular. I don't think I do anything on a regular basis except the normal routines the body puts forth.

The one thing that I will keep at a normal schedule will be the D.I.C.K. postings on Fridays. Every Friday at 1pm there will be a new post until I run out of material. That really shouldn't happen for a long time.

So I guess by saying that I'm not updating on a scheduled basis, I just did update on time. We'll see how it goes through the week. Keep checking back and we'll see how it goes.

Friday's will be the one day that there will always be a post. You'll have to keep an eye on the site or Follow Me on Twitter if you're not subscribed to the RSS or Email service.

In the mean time, I found a web site where you can look up any Driver's License from the United States. Not just the license but any person's actual license. It will definitely help out when it comes to writing the D.I.C.K. entries.

Feel free to check it out. The site is called, Driver's License Search . US

I found mine on there and I'm in process of having it removed.

-Be safe.

Friday, June 27, 2008

D.I.C.K. I: Fake Spotting...

I know this topic has been gone over and over by a lot of different people. There have been posts on the subject in a lot of forums on a lot of different sites. I'll tell you now. Every experienced door person has their own way of checking i.d.'s.

Some people like to ask questions.
  • "When's your birthday?"
  • "What's your sign?"
  • "What street do you live on?"

I don't ask questions. I don't because all that information can be learned and remembered. I look hard at the i.d. and the person. I remember a little bit from biology class and apply that (which is limited) to what I look for. Eye placement, ear placement, chin, weight gain, weight loss, hair color, eye color, and so on. Yes, I will ask you to take out your contacts if your eye color is different and I don't think it's you.

I also rely on my 6th sense of just feeling a person out as they talk and their mannerisms. The way they hold themselves, if they're looking away from me, if they can't shut up, how nervous they're acting, and so on.

There is a basic procedure for checking i.d.'s. It's what every door person will learn on their first night. Beyond this procedure is what I've learned through my experiences.

This is the basic procedure:
  • Ask patron to see their i.d.
    • If they refuse, then refuse them entry.
  • I.D. must be taken out of the holder and placed in your hand.
    • If they refuse, then refuse them entry.
  • Check condition of the i.d.
    • If any of the holograms listed below are on the i.d. it is fake. Keep it.
  • Check expiration date
    • If the i.d. is expired, then it is not a valid form of i.d. No Entry.
  • Check birth date
  • Check photo and compare it to the presenter
    • Check eye color
      • If eye color is different and you are suspicious, ask if they wear contacts. If yes then ask them to remove one.
    • Check hair color
      • Hair color changes constantly. Nothing to do here really.
    • Check height
      • If the i.d. says they are 6'2" and they are noticeably shorter then there is reason to be cautious.
    • Check weight
      • Weight does change in time but if the person weighs noticeably more or less there is reason to be cautious.
    • Check sex
      • Laugh now but this has happened before. I caught a guy with his twin sisters i.d.
  • Compare the location of eyes, ears, chin to presenter and photo
  • If all of these are satisfactory allow them entry.
These are the basics to checking an i.d. If these all pass without doubt then your good. The following pertains to the actual i.d.'s and typical fakes that have been caught.

First off, let's go through the list of terms or symbols that you will never see on an i.d. that is supposed to be issued by a state within the United States. These terms and symbols are usually in a form of a hologram on the i.d. somewhere. Most commonly they are diagonally or straight across the entire face of the i.d.

These terms are:
  • Authentic
  • Genuine
  • Secure
  • Valid
  • Seal of Authenticity
Since it's easier to show you the symbols that are commonly used for fake i.d.'s I'll direct you to a site where you can see them.

Disclaimer: I will not say that this company is willingly or knowingly selling these products to counterfeiters. In fact, the company is designed to create i.d.'s for companies to use as part of their security efforts. It just turns out that a lot of kids that make fake i.d.'s use products that are similar to theirs. By directing you to this website I do not make any claims that this company is helping to make i.d.'s for underage people or that their specific products are being used in any of these processes.

You can view these holograms at this web address:

Some very common symbols are:
  • Skeleton Keys
  • Globe
  • An Eagle's Head
  • A badge or shield
So right off the top, if anyone presents a State i.d. or Driver's License with these holograms on them, it's mine. It does not go back to the person presenting it. It is 100% fake and this person is underage, hiding out from Johnny Law or an illegal immigrant. I don't care.

Another thing to look for is the thickness of the i.d. If the i.d. is really thick then there's good reason to look at it harder. Just take the i.d. in both hands and try to twist and bend it. A lot of times the i.d. will start to separate between the layers of pressed paper. It might reveal a real i.d. below or it might just reveal that it's pressed paper. Also, watch the expressions on the person's face as you do this. They might try to object to you bending and twisting their i.d. If the i.d. is real there's no need to worry because it won't split.

Check the edges. Sometimes fakes are nothing more than a scanned i.d. that has been rendered, printed as a sticker, placed over the i.d. and then the excess trimmed off the sides. Usually you can feel the edge and can start to peel it off with your fingernail. When the presenter sees you doing this they'll usually object to it. Personally, I keep doing it until I'm satisfied.

These are a lot of the ways to spot fakes. Each time is usually a different incident and there's always different outcomes. Sometimes the people just walk away, sometimes they argue and at times they even try to buy it back. Each i.d. is a different story and I hope to bring these stories more to life for you in the coming posts.

If I can, I'll try to show you the differences between real i.d.'s and the fake ones, side by side if possible.

Until then.

-Be Safe.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Industry Standards...

First off, there is no such thing as an overall industry standard when it comes to the operations of a bar or club. There is no such thing as the elusive "Industry Courtesy".

With that out of the way, let me explain something that shouldn't be needed to be said.

You work at a bar or club and you decide to go out. You walk up past the line of people waiting and ask the doorman if the club does "Industry Courtesy". If you have to ask, the answer is more than likely, No. Obviously you don't know the doorstaff and they don't know you.

You order drinks from a waitress or bartender. After hearing how much your drinks are you ask if there is an "Industry Courtesy" price because you work in the industry. No, there isn't and if you don't tip your a tight ass broke piece of crap. Maybe you should work in a different industry.

There are so many people that work in this industry that think they should get preferential treatment. They get the job just so they can say they work somewhere and feel important. It's actually pretty dismal when people brag about where they work and then don't tip or treat the people working like crap because they've never heard of you or the place you work at. Get over it. Your a nobody just like everyone else, even me.

On the rare occasion that I do go out, I don't ask for anything. I figure there's no reason to. If someone recognizes me and decides to hook me up then I'll take care of them. Taking care of them entails tipping them and treating them like a normal person.

So here comes the fun part. I work industry so I know people survive on tips. If they discount my drink then it doesn't mean I tip less.

Let's say I order a $7 drink. I should normally tip about $2 on a $7 drink. The bartender recognizes me and gives me the drink for $3. Well, I'm already expecting to pay $7 so they just made a $4 tip. Seem outlandish? The outlandish thing to me is how some people think they deserve that $4 price cut without having to tip anything. Hey asshole, remember that when the bartender comes to your bar and he doesn't tip you well either.

You give and it returns. When you tip accordingly, whether you get hooked up or not, it will come back to you. Some day that bartender might show up at your bar. You hook them up and they'll hook you up. Maybe you need that extra cash that night, maybe you don't. Just remember them.

Getting to know other establishments is always a good thing. Depending on what position you hold will depend on the amount of good things. When your the doorman you get recognized almost immediately when you go to places. Especially if the employees from that place come to yours. Get in good with the doorstaff and things happen much faster. Sometimes the doorstaff will ask the bartenders to comp out a few drinks and that opens the lines of communication for the bartender.

Basically, when you ask for an "Industry Courtesy" your admitting to being a douche. You probably just got your job or your oblivious to how annoying that question is. Just because you work in the industry doesn't mean your any more special then the guy who works in a bicycle shop. Use a little tact, act human and talk to people. In most cases it works out better for everyone.

R.I.P. George Carlin

George Carlin died last night due to heart failure.

He'll be missed by a lot of people he didn't know and he probably doesn't care.

A lot of people thought he was cynical, I thought he was being real.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Fake I.D. VI: Bringing it home...

Throughout my time I've collected a lot of fake i.d.'s. I've recently decided to actually put them out here for more people to see. I know there's a lot of people that like the stories that I put up but now comes a little more detail.

In the coming weeks I'm going to actually post some of these fakes that I've taken away from people. I had a friend of mine go through and distort the i.d.'s so faces won't be recognized and names and vital information is either changed or removed. No need in leaving that on there for it to come back on me.

I tried to come up with an interesting title to use for these posts. I bounced the idea around with a friend of mine and we came up with a decent idea although the title is rather long. So they'll be titled D.I.C.K.. Which is short for Devious Identification and Contraband Knowledge. Seems rather justified since most people think I'm a dick when I take away their fakes anyways.

I'll go through each i.d. and list off the reasons as to why it's fake. If I remember what actually happened that night I'll add that on to the entry as well.

For now I'm only going to post one fake i.d. per week. I'll even post it earlier in the day so any door personnel that are reading this can see it before they head off to work. Hopefully it'll stick in some minds for the busy nights ahead.

I'll put up my evidence so you can read through it and decide. As to how I do that is still to be seen. Let's just say it's my way of helping out the doorstaff that actually likes doing their jobs. I believe the posts will be popping up on future Friday afternoons.

As with anything else you might read in a blog remember this. My entries are based on my experiences. Take it as a grain of salt or take it as gospel, just don't quote me unless you come to me first.

Along with these entries I'm going to be putting a new section up in the Links area on the side. It will include links to sites that carry equipment that is useful for the job. If you do this type of work and have links feel free to send them to me through email or post it in a comment. Just don't spam the comments, that shit is annoying. If it becomes an issue I'll have to turn off the comment feature.

So that's a brief introduction on a few of the upcoming events. Let's hope it all works out the way I hope.

-Be Safe.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Damn Young'ens...

When I say young'en I mean someone at least 7 years or more younger than myself. An age bracket that I know not to mess with because it's a totally different age. It's the age of drinking and partying and just going out every night. I'm past that stage in my life. I'm out almost every night of the week as it is and I'm babysitting all these kids.

Of course sometimes I get wrapped up in certain ones. I'll admit it, I'm human and worse yet, I'm male. When a little woman comes up to me at work and talks I rarely listen. Unless that talking is being turned into a different direction.

The bad part is, I'm a sucker. When talk gets turned towards the bedroom I rarely even listen. The times I do is when it's early in the night or the person is sober. I tend to ignore when the woman is drunk in any way.

I'm also pretty straight forward about situations. If it's something that might go somewhere I just let things fall and see where they land. If it's something I don't see becoming anything other than a hook up then I make it clear. I've even told girls, "I don't want you to think this is going to became a relationship. I don't want that now." Which basically means with that person. Sex is sex, not much more. I don't want them to get false hopes of a boyfriend.

So the part that annoys me is the ones that are ok with just being "buddies" and then a few weeks later they want more. I guess it's just typical that after a short term of such intimate exposure someone would want more.

That brings on other things. Text messages in the middle of the night. Phone calls in the middle of the day. Occasional appearances at my work. It gets annoying.

For instance. I met this girl. She's all of 23 or 24 years old. She expressed interest in me, we talked and one thing led to another. We hooked up a couple of times and I expressed to her that I didn't want a girlfriend but if she just wanted to hook up that'd be fine with me. No relationship, no ties, just plain old sex upon contact. She's too young mentally for me to take seriously. She also drinks on a daily basis and is a big pot head.

One night at work she showed up. I was standing at the door and she walked in. "Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure, what you need?"

"Well, I wanted to talk about us."

"Us? What about us?"

"Well, I'd like there to be more... us."

"So you want to get together more?"

"Well.. I was thinking we could go to dinner and maybe go to a movie or something."

"Why would we do that?"

"Well... that's what couples do."

"Haha... ok, listen.. We're not a couple. Remember I told you I didn't want anything more than a hook up? I'm not interested in a girlfriend or anything like that."

"Yea... I know.. I was just thinking that things might have changed... I mean, I started to like you a lot and I thought we could do some things..."

"Well... no. We can't. I don't have any of those feelings. We all done now? I'm kinda at work and don't need to be distracted with this."

She ended up leaving after that. I don't blame her, I did the asshole thing and basically told her I didn't want anything to do with her. Just like I did when we first got together. Strange thing how some guys say things and mean what they actually say. Too many women go with it in hopes that they'll change our minds down the road.

A couple nights later the text messages start.

Working tonight?


I might stop by to see you.


Maybe we can talk?

I'm at work. Not a place to talk.

It's ok. I just want to hang out, not have sex.

I have nothing to talk about.

Of course she didn't show up. I turned off the channel of communication because I literally had nothing to talk about. I'm not going to say we can talk and give her hopes that we will. I'm also not going to give her the hopes and then try to just get laid. I'm not that type.

Plain and simple it's the easiest way to be. Ladies, if a guy tells you he just wants to hook up occasionally then believe, that all he wants, is to hook up occasionally. He's not secretly hoping that it could turn into a marriage or even a relationship. Remember this, even if it lasts for 6 months or more. He likes what's going on and how it's going on. If you have a change of heart tell him.

I've only known of a few rare instances where it actually worked out differently.