Tuesday, October 30, 2007


I think I figured out what I'm going to be for Halloween. It's always a competition at work to see who can out do each other with their costumes. I think I've came up with the perfect costume to top all of them.

I'm gonna have to go out and find a t shirt with a really lame picture and phrase on it. Maybe something having to do with the old cartoon My Little Ponies. Then the tightest pair of pants I can fit into. Some of those queer little boots that barely go over my ankles. A wig that has the tips frosted and is spiky. Then I'll need to ask a friend to apply some mascara for me, maybe a little blush too. Then to top it all off a big white belt.

Then when people walk up and ask what I am I can say I'm a Douche bag Hipster. They become appalled and I get a laugh. Perfect combination in my book. They realize just what people think of them and I get to put a statement across.

It's gonna be perfect.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Ah, young Padawan...

On a busy weekend like one near the holiday of Halloween it's always busy. There's lots of people wanting into the establishment and lots of people waiting in line. The worst part of it all is that most of the people are drunk.

One thing I've noticed is that everyone is in their own world. Even more so on Halloween because they all want to act like the character they're portraying. There's Wolfman howling, Spider-man and Venom wrestling, and a couple dressed as trailer trash (or Britney Spears and Kevin Federline I couldn't really tell..) yelling at everyone.

So I get to step out and tell them all to contain themselves or they wouldn't be allowed in. This lasted a whole 5 minutes maybe. The trailer trash couple lasted about a minute and they were back to screaming at each other. So I did what I said I was going to do.

"Guys, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"What the fuck for!?"

"I already explained it to you. If you can't be quiet out here when I ask you to you can't go inside."

The typical argument and name calling starts up and they leave. Next on the list, the Wolfman. He just wouldn't shut up.

"Hey man, I'm gonna ask you one more time. Quit howling or just leave."

"Oh, I'm sorry man."

I turn away and he howls. I turn back and his friends are laughing as he points to someone else in the group. "That's it man, don't waste your time waiting your not getting in." His friends start laughing and the Wolfman and his friends start to walk off. Behind them is a guy dressed up as a young Padawan, from Star Wars.

After telling the Wolfman he had to leave about a half an hour goes by and the Jedi Padawan is next in line to get in. As he stands there and waits he seems very patient since he just waited close to an hour just to come in.

It's now drawing closer to closing time when a few regulars walk up and say their hellos. A few minutes later a few people leave and I let the regulars in. This seems to have awakened the 'dark side' in the young Padawan.

"Man, what the fuck? Why ain't I going in?"

"You'll be in as soon as I can get you in there."

"No. Fuck that. I should be going in now."

"I'll tell you when you can go in. Keep talkin and you won't be going in at all."

A minute or two of silence and then it happens. I hear clearing of a nose and I feel a slight thud on my jacket. I look down and see the ball of spit and snot slowly rolling over itself as it walks down the front of my jacket. I look up and see the face of the Padawan slowly go from victorious to scared as he looks at me.

I step forward and grab him by the shoulder and raise my other arm. I pull my hand back and flatten it so I can smack him across the face like the child he is. Then he turns and pulls out of the cloak he had on like it was a layer of skin shedding off a snake. He gets to the curb of the street and stands there flipping me off. I stand my ground and wait.

I step into the establishment and ask Paulie to get me a wet rag to wipe my jacket off with. He comes back and looks at my jacket, "Is that really what I think it is?"

"Yep. Little fucker spit right on me."

"He still out there?"

"Yep. He'll be staying the weekend in jail soon though."

This is something people don't think about when they do stupid things. I'm not one to actually follow up on something like this but I will use it to my advantage. If you get arrested on a Friday night your not getting out until late Monday afternoon. Court isn't open on Saturday or Sunday so you have to sit and wait till Monday.

I step back outside and the guy is still at the curbside. Now he's rattling off about how he's a law student. He knows his rights and he knows that it's illegal for me to refuse him entrance. I guess he's not a very good law student because the number one rule with liquor establishments is this.

We have the right to refuse service to any one for any reason at any time.

However, learning that he is a law student makes it even better. Now I can just have him arrested for public drunkenness and screw him in two different ways. Make him sit all weekend and make him wait even longer to take his Bar Exam.

Why? From what I've been told by lawyers and policemen is this. If you have an arrest on your record you will automatically be refused by the state bar for licensing. You will be denied until the arrest is off of your record. Which means if you graduate you'll be flipping burgers because you can't practice law until you pass the Bar.

"An applicant must have good moral character,..."

Soon enough I see a squad car driving by and I flag them down with my flashlight. They pull up and the young Padawan starts walking down the street. The driver side window rolls down. "What's up Mike?"

"There's a young guy dressed as a Jedi walking around the corner. I think he'd like to spend the weekend in your motel."

"What'd he do?"

"He mumbled something and spit on me. Couldn't understand him but I think he said something about having something."

"Ok, we'll go get him."

Five minutes later the squad pulls back up. They ask me to identify the guy in the back seat and I sign a couple forms. Then they leave as I wave good bye to the Padawan going off to his fun weekend of Bubba and Bill. The cops tell me not to worry about showing up for court.

Surprisingly, the Spider-man and Venom characters that were wrestling in line were never a problem again. Even at the end of the night when Venom had to be partially carried out by Spider-man.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Friday, October 26, 2007

Almost here...

Halloween is almost upon us. Worse yet, the weekend before Halloween is here.

Tonight will be a revolving night of statements that intoxicated patrons will think are questions. While checking i.d.'s at the door I'll have to ask people to remove masks. Then I'll have to tell some people that they can't bring certain props into the establishment.

Here's a few tips for approaching a doorman at a bar / club during Halloween.
  • Don't carry props to your costume. - No one cares that your a baseball player. Your not taking a baseball bat into a crowded club full of drunk people.
  • Don't wear a costume that obstructs your face. - If you have a mask, take it off. If it won't come off then you won't get in.
  • Don't be the person your dressed as. - Just because your costume is a giant penis doesn't mean you have to be a dick.
  • Don't over do the make up. - Again. If I can't tell who you are due to your make up, I won't let you in. I don't care about your costume.
  • Don't walk up wasted and try to tell me that your being a drunk for Halloween. - It's been tried before and you get the same treatment as a drunk walking up on Halloween.
  • There is still a dress code. - Even though it's Halloween, you still have to have shoes, shirt and some kind of pants / shorts.
There's just a few. I'm sure I'll think of more as the weekend goes.

5 more days till....

I swear I'll get back to posting real entries. Just a busy time of year for me.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

7 days till...

I found this video on Youtube.com. I'm guessing it'll be taken down fairly quickly but if it doesn't work just go to this site.

Saw IV

Tuesday, October 23, 2007


I've never been one to like an over productive schedule. Not that I don't like to get things done. I just don't like to have a lot of things that I have to get done in a day. I'm a homebody by definition. I leave when I need to and stay home otherwise. I don't watch much television either. If I am watching tv, I'm more than likely watching a movie that came out within the past year. This way I can catch up with the lingo and jokes that the people around me are using.

Other than that I try to read and get in a few other activities. I have to admit, reading isn't one of my bigger activities. Which might be evident in some ways by the more experienced connoisseur of the English language. Does it really bother me? No, not really. People still read what I have to write.

I've never really understood the giant hustle bustle that comes with bigger towns and cities. I've never understood why people have to meet up at a place of business.

"Hey man, you want to meet up at E. Oli's Sushi Bar?"

"No, just meet me at my place."


"Yea, why not? I got beers and food here."

It's strange to me how some people just have an apartment to sleep in it. For the amount of money you drop to have an apartment you might as well live in it. Otherwise it's just a storage shed.

You pay out so much money a month so you can leave your belongings somewhere. Why not spend some time there? It's the one place that your the King (or Queen). Nothing costs a thing after you get it inside and if done right that could mean a lot. I always tend to have at least a 12 pack of some beer in the fridge and a couple different bags of chips. Good for game day with the possibility of a delivered pizza.

There are a lot of people I know in the industry that just don't do that. They'd much rather go out and hang out at some other bar. Get bumped around by jocks, preps, and hipsters. Really? I guess it really is different being a doorman as compared to a bartender.

"Man, you sure you don't wanna just meet up at E. Oli's?"

"Do what you wanna do man. I'm sittin here with my beer and big screen."

"Can I bring a couple people?"

"As long as they aren't any of the assholes from the bar."

The bartenders I know just want to be around people. They don't like the small crowds. They're so used to running up and down the bar. They deal with a lot of people all the time. So I guess it's just normal for them to want to be around a lot of people.

I, on the other hand, like to keep it low key. I like having a bare minimum of people around. That way it's more personal. People get to know people and they get to know how they work. I guess that just comes from dealing with thousands of people at work. I get to know you well enough and then I know if I'm going to have to deal with you. Some I get to know well.

"How bout Cale? I just saw him go over to the store."

"I said, 'No assholes from the bar'."

Of course being from two totally different positions of the establishment means two totally different ideas of who the assholes are.

"Well man, I'm just gonna go over to E. Oli's for some sushi. I'll give ya a call back if anythings going on."

"Yea, sounds good man. I'll be here."

And that's where I stay. I have no need to go do anything. I got my brew, my food, and my home. It's all I need after dealing with idiots all week.

8 more days till...

Monday, October 22, 2007

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Rock Star Lines IV...

On busy nights with a long line of people waiting it's fairly hard to skip the line. If you have the right type of handshake it makes the wait go by a lot faster. Especially if you know the proper number of people you have and the amount of grease your providing. Grease and knowledge work great in the proper combination.

"Hey man, my friend over here wants to see if there's some way to get pass this line. He wants to know if Franklin has any pull around here."

"That depends on how many friends Franklin has."

"He just has five others with him."

"Then Mr Franklin should meet me and then see about going in."

The perfect mix of grease applied to a handshake can get you into many places. It works with the nightclub industry as well as the restaurant industry. Don't believe me? Next time you go to a fancy restaurant and want to skip the line of people waiting for a table try this. Slip a fifty dollar bill into a handshake and see how fast you get a table.

Here's a tip though. Don't be like this guy. Don't come back to the doorman and ask for more "help".

"Hey buddy, since I helped you out, you think you can help me out in here?"

"What kind of help are you needing?" I was thinking he meant that his group wanted a table. If that was the case I might be able to help him. Of course that would mean that he would have to "help out" who ever was inside getting him the table.

"Well, you think you can get us free drinks?" I laughed at him, literally. I looked right at him and let out a few laughs. "That's funny to you after we helped you out?"

"First off man, you didn't help me out. You helped yourself out. Your not still waiting in line are you?"

"What? That's how it is?"

"Listen man, if you want discount drinks then over tip the bartender. I'm not the bartender and I'm not going to ask them to hook up some one I don't know."

"That's fuckin bullshit man. Even after I helped you out? Why you being an ass about this?"

"Excuse me?"

"Man, I didn't have to give that to you. I was helping you out."

"I didn't have to let you in. I don't have to let you stay either. So either go inside and enjoy the fact that your not standing in line or argue some more and leave."

"Fuck you man." Then he turned and started walking back in.

I step inside the door and grab his arm, "Excuse me?"

"You heard me man. Fuck you."

I shoved him against the wall and shoved my finger in his chest while holding his arm. "You can either enjoy your time here or you can leave. Which is it?"

"The fucks your problem man!?"

"I did you a favor. A one time favor. Now you can either stay with your friends or I can throw you out."

"Fine man, what ever." I let him go and he walked off.

Then Casper walked up, "What's the problem with that guy?"

"Watch him. He fucks up in any way toss his ass out."

Twenty minutes later he's being shoved through the crowd to the door. Turns out he didn't know how to keep his mouth shut to the waitress. He didn't tip her at all and then started bitching about the price of drinks. He even complimented her on her "cunty" attitude. Such a class act.

I'll take a large tip from just about anyone. It doesn't mean that your an better than anyone else. It definitely doesn't mean that you can think your a big shot. Your still a nobody and you can still get treated like one. No skin off my back if someone tosses you out right after you get in.

Get a personality and don't be a douche bag.

10 more days...

Saturday, October 20, 2007

That time of year...

It's about that time of the year again. The night more people will be pissed off at a club's security then any other night of the year. This time of year that I speak of?


It's the time of year that people can dress up in any way that they want to. Women can dress like sluts and the hookers fit in like everyone else. It's the time of year when anyone can be anyone and all the dregs of society fit in like they're everyone else.

It's strange for me to say that this used to be my favorite part of the year. The running through the cemeteries, hiding from the cops, toilet papering people's homes, and the never ending supply of candy. In some ways I'm kind of glad I out grew that stage. In many other ways I wish I hadn't.

I do remember a time when I was about 15 years old. Some friends and I decided to go out to the cemetery that was a couple miles out of town. We walked out there by following a railroad track, the whole time joking about how much it was like Stand By Me. Other than we weren't looking for a dead body and it wasn't going to take us days to get where we were going.

It only took us about 20 minutes to make it to the cemetery. After we got there we didn't even really think about what we were going to do, we just wanted to make it out there. We had heard a bunch of high schoolers say they were going there and we wanted to see what was going on. Of course, when we got there no one was anywhere to be seen. A couple years before there was a high schooler that had died in a car accident so we decided to go check out his gravestone and see if maybe anyone left anything there. So we started off across the graveyard.

Half way across the graveyard was a giant mausoleum. As we got closer to it a spot light lit up on the doors of it. All four of us jumped in different directions and hid in bushes and behind tombstones. The one cop in town was driving through the cemetery and was looking to see if anyone was around.

I was folded up as much as I could be in between two little evergreen trees next to a tombstone. Then the spotlight started moving around through the trees and the area near us. He never did find any of us though or he did and just didn't want to do anything. I remember the spotlight stopping on me for a second or two that felt like an eternity. Then the car drove by and he headed back towards town.

We ended up heading over to the tombstone of the high schooler that had died a couple years before. We stood there looking at his name and the dates . It was a very quiet moment. Lots of thoughts went through my mind. I think it was primarily the past memories of the times I had known him and the things that he had done. I knew him as well as I could but I never really knew him for who he was. I don't think anyone really knows anyone at the high school level. Your not really the person that your going to be yet. Your just beginning to know yourself at that age.

So we walked back to town down that railroad pathway and headed back to the bar that our parents were sitting in. As I walked in and sat next to my father he just looked at me and laughed. He pointed out the grass stains on my new jeans and said, "Your mothers gonna kill you for get grass stains on those jeans." Then I wondered if my dead friend ever had to hear that from his father.

That night ended soon after that. My father drank and talked with friends and I ate tacos and ran around town. It was one of the good times when nothing really mattered.

Those days lasted longer than most.

11 Days to go....

In the spirit of Halloween you have to go see 30 Days of Night. From the clips I've seen it looks like it's going to be one of the best horror movies released lately. I don't count remakes because all they're doing is putting a new spin on old information.

Here's the trailer.

It looks like a great spin on the old vampire tales. The last have come to breed. Will they succeed?

I'll hopefully be able to see it soon if my weekend isn't too busy with work. If you have seen it feel free to leave a comment and let me know what you thought of it.

Also check out Horror Movie Online for more interesting articles about horror movies, reviews, and industry news.

Friday, October 19, 2007

12 days til....


"Mike, you have to pull over. We've been driving for at least 5 minutes."

"I don't have to pull over until I feel comfortable pulling over."

"Your gonna get arrested."

"For what? I'm not speeding any more... and I'm waitin till I come up to some street lights."

"I'm sure your just causing more of a scene."

"Yea, cause out here in the middle of no where there's a lot of people to cause one for."

A while back I went on a little road trip with a friend. We had to hit a couple highways to get where we were going and these roads went right out to the middle of no where. Every 5 or 6 miles you might see a house off in the distance. As per the norm, I was speeding. I don't think I ever go the actual limit anyways so it was about time for me to get caught.

Somewhere along the line a cop caught me with his radar and his lights popped on. I wasn't about to just pull over in the middle of no where without any lights around. So I kept driving until I found one. I think I found a street light after about twenty minutes. I pulled over just pass the light so that the police cruiser could pull under the light. I got my insurance card and license out and got ready for the questioning that I knew was about to begin as the officer tapped on my window. I rolled down my window and waited.

"How are we tonight guys?"

"Doing just fine officer."

"I was wondering if you had forgotten about me back there. Any reason why we waited so long to pull over?"

"Sorry, new to the area. Just wanted to get to a place where there was a little light."

"That's understandable. Can you step out of the car sir."

I stepped out of the car and walked with him to the trunk of my car. We stood there for a little bit and after a few more questions about where we were going I got a little surprise.

"So... I'm gonna see you at the little get together then right?" I just stood there looking at him. "You said your in town for a little get together with friends right? I'm guessing I'll be there as well."

Then I took a hard look at his name tag. Not really sure why I hadn't before, it's usually common practice for me. "Holy shit. When did they let you become a cop?" A grin came out from both of us we shook hands. "I haven't seen you in a long ass time."

"Yea, well after the shit we used to pull I figured I'd be the best at catching the new kids."

We stood there and talked for at least another half an hour before he noticed that my friend was getting anxious. "Looks like she's bout to spring a leak," he said as he nodded in through the back window.

"Eh, let her. She thinks I was trying to cause a scene by making you follow me."

We talked a little while longer and then we said our good byes. I got back in my car and he drove past us down the road.

"What the hell was that all about? I thought you two were gonna make out or something."

"Oh that? That was a good friend of mine. He was hopin you'd have to piss so much he'd get to use his tazer on ya." I had to chuckle a little with that image flashing through my head. Her jumping out of the car bitching for us to hurry up so she could to the bathroom. Then him getting startled, or annoyed, and pulling out his tazer and using it on her.

"Yea, what ever. Hurry up and get me to a bathroom will ya?"

"There's plenty of trees and corn over there." With that I got an eyeballs through the roof of her skull look.

"I know your joking. Drive."

I had a feeling that whole friendship was a joke after that. Sometimes it's good to remember where your from and where your going.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Skin Head or Shaved Head....

Since when is it a fact that your a White Power piece of shit just because you have a shaved head? I've never understood why anyone in this day and age thinks that. A shaved head is nothing more than a different type of hair style. Which really doesn't make much sense since there is no hair involved.

I know a few doorguys who shave their heads for a basic reason. No hair means there's nothing for someone to grab a hold of in a situation. I can fully understand this just from my own experiences of grabbing heads full of hair and having mine grabbed. When there's no hair to grab it's a little harder to get a good hold on someone in that way.

It's good at times for weeding out the assholes. Especially when they walk up to the door and open their mouths to a doorguy with a shaved head.

"Hi guys, can I see your i.d.'s?"

"Sure thing brother," man pulls out wallet and takes out his i.d. Looking at his friend, "This must be a good place for our brothers."

I look up, "You have family in from out of town?"

"No man, I mean for us. None of them black types in here right?"

"I'm sorry, what do you mean by 'black types'?"

"I guess I mean any one that's not white."

"Yea.. you might want to try a different bar guys. We don't discriminate our customers. Every one is equal here."

The guy just stood there staring, "It's cool man, I just figured since your head looked so clean.."

"That I'm some kind of piece of shit? Take a walk guys, I can't let you in here."

They stood there for a little bit and walked down the street. Yelled a few racist remarks at some guys on the corner and disappeared.

I just don't understand that mentality, even with 3/4's of my family being from the south. I know in some areas of the world it's still a common problem but it's rare that it comes up here. If I can deter it in any way I'm more than happy to. If I could take all those people and re-write their brain functions I would. Sadly, there has to be some people that are still ignorant and like to defecate from their mouths.

Then again, there are still people on the other side of that fence that think it still. I've had black people come up and give me shit for having a shaved head also. They walk by and say things about how they would come to the establishment but it doesn't look like they're welcome. Or they just throw out insults with out even knowing who they're insulting. They don't even realize that I just didn't let in two white power assholes because I don't believe in that.

The world has two sides to everything. There's a good and bad to just about every type of person there is in the world. Until you know who or what that person is how can you decide who or what they are? Is it your power to do so?

Granted, a good doorman can recognize most of the different types of people. It doesn't mean that they are 100% correct in everything they decide though. There is always a chance that they are wrong. I'll admit that I have been wrong in certain cases but that's not something anyone really wants to bring up. Not because anyone wants to admit that they were wrong but just because it doesn't look good.

No one's perfect but you can stop yourself from being a complete piece of shit at any time.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Same old song...

I hear "same old song" and a couple things come to mind. The first is a song by Aerosmith titled Same Old Song and Dance. The second is the old saying, "It's just the same old song and dance."

My father used to say it to me all the time. Especially when I'd walk in the front door after midnight on a school night.

"Where you been all night boy?"

"Well, we were coming back from town and we had a flat tire."

"Yea, right. Just the same old song and dance with you isn't it? Get your ass to bed before I put the belt to it."

My old man was never one to really stand up to when I was a kid. In my later years I realized that if I didn't stand up to him, I'd never stand up to anyone. He was the strongest and meanest person I had ever known to that point of my life. When I did finally stand up to him I knew I could stand up to just about anyone.

It seemed like the only time he ever used the song and dance saying was when I was trying to explain things. I'm not sure if he tried to do that to see if I'd change my story or if he just didn't care what I was saying. Either way he had already passed judgment before I had even gotten home. He was good for that. He thought he knew all the tricks of the trade and that he had pulled all of them on his father. What he didn't realize was that I never had a reason to lie to him about most things. Not to say I was a perfectly honest kid, I lied about plenty of things, especially when it came to grades.

He was a stickler about math. He used to say, "Who the hell cares who won the Russian Revolution. You think you'll need that information when your 30 and working a job? You don't get your grades up in math and you'll be wishing you never even knew where you lived."

A lot of people thought my father was an mean old asshole. I thought he was a piece of shit for many years but in the end I realized he was the way he was because that's how he thought he had to be. He grew up in the colored and poor area of Kentucky. The house he grew up in was smaller than the typical studio apartment you might find in a city. There were four people living in that house too.

Then he was in the military and the strict lines of order were all around him there as well. He wasn't in todays military. He was in the military that could punch you in the face for not keeping up with the rest of the group. From the stories he'd wake me up in the middle of the night to tell; he had his fair shares of punches.

From his stories and the stories I've heard from other family members he definitely earned the punches that he got. He was a hell raiser and he never really stopped doing that. Even when he had to make shit up.

Now I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses for the way he was. You haven't even heard any of the stuff he really did. He was an asshole to a lot of people. There are a lot of people now that, if they were asked about him, would say he was an asshole but he had his good sides too. Most people try to even out their lives, he didn't really care what you thought. He knew what he had to do or wanted to do and he did it. He hurt a lot of people both physically and emotionally in the process. Part of me thinks that he thought those people were weak. That they couldn't handle it because they just weren't up to par. Or maybe he just didn't care about anyone unless it affected him. I can understand that point of view. It's been mine for a few years now.

No matter how anyone looks at the way their parents were, I still think that a person is who they are today because of their parents and themselves. Your parents can only put so much into you. At some point of your life you take over and start making your own informed decisions. They can tell you about the things that happened to them but you don't have to listen. You can listen to everything they say and turn out to be a clone. You could listen to only the parts that you want to and then use your own judgment and turn out to be who you are.

Sure, there are a lot of abusive families out there. It doesn't mean that every kid is going to turn out that way. It also doesn't condone the parent's actions for being abusive. I'm just saying that we are who we are and we make ourselves that way with or without the help.

My father passed away a few years back very close to this date. He was stubborn and an ass up to the very day that it happened. I know he regretted a lot of things in the last couple of years of his life. He looked back at the things he did and tried to fix some of them. Years of his behavior couldn't be fixed in that short of time. I think he realized that and that's why he choose not to say anything to anyone about his illness. If he recognized that it was there then he had already given up. In his mind only the weak gave up.

He didn't want anyone to know that he was weak.

I thought for many years that I was partially invincible. Then I spent a few days in the hospital and it scared the life almost fully out of me. I was trained mentally to think I wasn't weak and that nothing could happen. I remember coming out of that hospital and realizing that I wasn't as strong or resilient as I thought I was. It still effects me partially today. I'm not the man I was but I am a man different in many ways. I'm no longer the superman that would ride on the roofs of cars doing 30mph through parking lots or jump from roof to tree. I am the man now that will do as he wishes and if necessary I'll do what I have to. I feel much older than I am.

So I wonder every once in a while what he would think these days. I wonder if he would be proud of the way his son turned out. Then I decide that it doesn't really matter. I live the way I want to live and even though I would go to him for advice at times, I can usually hear what he'd say to my questions.

"Just the same old song and dance with you isn't it? What is it you really want to do?"

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


I was jumping around on Youtube and found some interesting videos from a show that airs on BBC Three called The Real Hustle.

The clips that I found are pretty interesting and informative for people that keep an eye open for such things. Then again, half the people that go out think the place their at is just as safe as their home. There are stupid people setting their phones, wallets, and purses down everywhere and for some stupid reason they think they're safe.

Wake up people. There is always someone out there to get you. I'll expand on that in future posts or you can check out this one that I posted a while back. My purse... or rent?

So here's a couple of the clips that I found on Youtube. If they interest you there's a lot of them on there. Just go to Youtube and search for Real Hustle and you'll find them all.


Proposition Bet

How to Get Free Drinks 2

Monday, October 15, 2007

Cynicalities I...

How many times have guys been made fools of for the sake of women? Some people might think that it's normal and that's just how it works. Some guys think it's ok because it's cute. Well, what about when it's not cute anymore?

I've seen some interesting things when it comes down to the pursuit of momentary happiness. I've seen guys get put into fights and guys get brushed off like dandruff. I've also seen guys get brushed off like dandruff after getting into a fight for some woman they didn't even know.

It's just funny to me how guys can be turned around and led astray without much trouble. It's been known for decades that women have more power over men so I'm not saying anything untrue. I've been in that situation as well many years ago. Then I became cynical and I'm now waiting to see if there is a woman that can prove me wrong.

Now I'm not going to sit here and say that every woman is like that. In fact, I'll say that about 70% of the women I know are not like that. They're also women that I wouldn't see myself getting all caught up over. I'd help them out if they needed it but other than that I don't think I'd go far out of my way for them.

I just find it funny how some guys will go out of their way to try and stand up for some woman they don't know. What is there to gain? A roll in the hay? A night of pleasure? Really? Is it that big of a deal? Hey, I'm a guy too and I don't mind a good night of sex but it's not that important to me to find some woman I don't even know. Consider this, if she's willing to put you through hoops to give it to you then she's been willing to do that to just about any guy.

Two things I've remembered over time.
  • No matter how gorgeous a woman is. Some guy is tired of her shit.
  • When kissing a woman you don't know. You might be kissing the guy she just went into the side alley with.

Saturday, October 13, 2007


It's always interesting when you walk out of work. It's usually daybreak by the time we get out. The birds are chirping and there are people heading off to work, the normal joggers and the dog walkers are out as well. It's a total switch from night to day in the matter of an hour or two.

Every time out the door it's the same. We all stand out front and talk while we wait for cabs to come by and we set the girls off to their homes. Some of the guys walk the girls to their cars and then it's our turn to take off and go our separate ways until the next night comes again.

After everyone's accounted for I start walking the three or four blocks to my car as I usually do. I usually park this far since parking is limited near the establishment and it's good to get that little walk in after work. I also like parking that far away so it's harder for any past conflict (aka assholes, douchebags, etc.) to know what I'm driving and to damage what little bit of a fine running automobile I have. Some people tell me not to be so paranoid but I know what can happen.

I hate for this to come out as some kind of Roadhouse situation but it has happened to me before. I've worked in places where I'd park close because I was running late and then later there would be a problem and somehow my car ended up on the receiving end. I've never gotten a stop sign in my front window but I have had flat tires and words scrawled on it. Through out time I've learned to not park close to work and I've started getting there earlier so people don't notice me getting out of my car. It's just better for my car and my wallet if I do.

It's been a long time since anything like that has happened and I am knocking on my cheap fiber board desk which I'll now dub as "wood" as a safety precaution.

In fact, I think it's been at least two or three years since anything like that has happened. Even then they just wrote a few encouraging words on the drivers door of the car. I found it funny and the other guys I worked with at the time took it a little more personal than I did. I never let little things like that bother me. I figure that if they really knew me they wouldn't be doing it.

I've never been the type of person that takes things personal. It's just not worth my time or effort when it comes down to it. Of course, if it had been someone I knew and they knew me then it's a totally different ball game.

This morning as I walked to my car everything seemed the same as normal. Nothing out of place and lots of joggers. It's nice not having to worry about things happening and sometimes thats worth more than having things happen just so there's something interesting to say.

Then again, when nothing is happening it gets to be pretty boring as well.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Adsense or nosense...

Every once in a while I take a look at the ads that Google puts on my page. I opted for the ads because I figure if people actually use them and I can make a few bucks here and there it's not a bad thing. After 6 months I've made a penny. So they're not really worth it to me. They do offer a bit of eyebrow raising and thought occasionally.

They change fairly often since they're supposed to go through the posts and find prevalent topics to offer search options for. Yet, I don't think they're working very well. Or they're working in the exact opposite way.

For instance, here are the ads that I see now as I write this.

Ads that make no sense: Friend Poems, Quotes, Love Letter Poems, Romance Poems, Poems about Women, The Power of Nice, Bring Back Lost Love, Romantic Love

Ads that make sense: Deal w/ Difficult People, Workplace Issues

So I guess 2 out of 15 isn't too bad....

I've been looking at a few different sites that offer payments for postings and other types of advertisement options to make a little cash. I figure if people only have to click on something and it offers something they want to look at and it doesn't bother their pc, then what's to lose? We both win.

So in a few days I'll more than likely have some new eye candy on the side of the page. Maybe I'll actually make enough for a cup of coffee before work. Who knows.. maybe even a steak dinner. Ok, I'm getting a little far ahead of myself there.

I wonder if any newspapers would be interested in a doorman's opinion column? It might go well in a Nightlife section. Ha ha!! Yea.. I don't think the world really wants to know what doormen and club security personnel think of them. If they did there'd be a lot more blogs and columns out there about us. Then again, the world thinks we're all muscle bound idiots.

More to come.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Do you know who I am!?...

There's always that one guy that thinks he's the big shot. He thinks he knows all the right people and he thinks he goes to all the right places. Sometimes reality sinks in.

On a busy night, with people waiting in line, a gentleman walks up past the line. He does the same thing that a lot of people do. He drops a name that isn't all that important.

"Hey buddy, I'm good friends with Mark over at Cookie's Clubhouse. Anything you can do for us?"

"Well, there are people waiting in line over here so there's not a lot I can do."

"Yea, but I'm good friends with Mark. He said to come over here."

Here's what most people don't realize. Most doormen in this area know most of the important people in the industry. We talk to other people and yes, we do go out on some occasions. So we know who's who.

"I heard you the first time. I know who Mark is, I don't know who you are. So your going to have to wait in line."

"You can't help us out to skip this line? I'm good friends with Mark."

"Listen, if your good friends with Mark then you should know how this works. You want to skip the line then you know what to do."

The guy turns and walks back to the end of the line. Then returns with two younger ladies by his side and stands by the side of the entrance. Ten minutes goes by and three people leave the establishment. So I check the i.d. of the next three people in line and let them in. Another ten minutes goes by and four people leave. I check the i.d. of the next four people in line and let them in. Then Pancho walks up to me.

"Hey man, I told you. I'm good friends with Mark. Are you going to do anything for us?"

"I already told you. You should know how this works. You take care of me, I take care of you."

Then Pancho squares his shoulders up with mine and leans his body in towards mine. He raises his voice so others can hear and says, "What?! You want me to pay you to come into this place!?"

The people in line turn and look towards us. "No, you don't have to pay me. You can wait in line."

His voice gets louder, "Man, fuck this!! If we would of stayed in line we'd be in already!"

"That was your choice, not mine."

"So you want me to pay you so we can skip the line?"

"That's how it works buddy."

"Fuck that! Fuck this place and fuck you!!!" Now he takes a step towards me. Just a small step. I'd even go so far as to say a half of a step. "I tell you who my friends are and it means nothing to you!? Then you say you want money from me?"

Now he turns and looks at the two girls that are with him. I reach down and pull my flashlight out of my pocket and wrap my fingers around it so it fits nice and tight in my palm like a roll of quarters. His hand comes up and he points his finger in my face.

Now he's yelling, "Fuck you man!! Fuck you! You don't know who I am!!" And on cue the two 4'8" slender girls wrap their arms around his waist and start pulling him away from the entrance and me. "You just wait mother fucker! You'll know who I am when I come back for you!!"

Then he walks away.

I'm really glad those two girls with a combined weight of 200lbs were able to hold him back. I'm not sure what I would have done if they weren't there.

Of course, I could have kicked him in the balls and then punched him in the back of the head. I could have just put an elbow to his temple. I could have smacked him in the throat. I'm just really glad those to waifs of women were there to hold him back.

The tough guy routine is really over done but I haven't seen it in a long time. It's good to see it occasionally just to be reminded about how absurd it truly is.

I wonder if that means he's got a really small penis?

Monday, October 08, 2007

Have you seen this a$$hole?...

Every bar has one or two or twenty. Most commonly found hiding in bathrooms and a big reason why bathrooms don't have stalls anymore. They travel in packs and are very paranoid of you if you approach them too quickly. They'll quickly pull a knife or start flailing their arms as a defense move. They're usually very wide eyed and they can speak at speeds faster than your ears can comprehend. Their general good demeanor can change into pure temper tantrum in the matter of minutes.

I'm of course speaking of the Cocainious Sapien Snortus.

This creature is very wily and has been to known to go into bursts of stupidity very fast. With their eyes open wide you'd think they'd be able to see the trouble that they are creating but their vooice runs faster then they can think.

They are the masters of not causing trouble. They think this because they are usually the ones getting hit first. This is only due to their mouth rattling off more shit than a person can handle.

They think they are impervious to the common man. They're skin is like an impenetrable force. Only due to the loss of feelings since their body is racing to save their heart from exploding.

At times they can be funny, most of the time they're annoying as hell. Some are flamboyant most are sitting right next to you.

Their most common enemy. Themselves. They have a need for this substance and it can take a person from their peak to the lowest form of thievery.

They're a dangerous lot at times.

So keep your eyes open for these idiots. They seem like they're the life of the party but they'll probably steal the shirt off your back if you let them. Or if it means they get more coke.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Happy Birthday... Dick...

I see about 200 to 400 different i.d.'s a night. I look at the face, weight, height, expiration date, and the birth date. If it's not the 21st year (the year you have to be born in to be 21) I don't really look at the day.

For example: This is the year 2007, in order to be 21 years of age you had to have been born in the year 1986 on todays date. If you were born on Dec 12, 1986 then your still 20 years old and I'm not letting you in until Dec 12 comes around.

So does it really matter to me that it's your birthday? No. Honestly, I don't care. It doesn't matter to me at all whether it's your birthday or not. The only thing that matters to me is that your old enough to be in the establishment.

On an average night there's three or four people celebrating their birthdays. Half of them can make it in the place the other half are already too wasted to come in. I have no problems stopping a wasted person from coming into the establishment when they can barely stand up. Birthday or not.

It amazes me that people actually think that a doorman doesn't look at your birth date just because he doesn't make a big deal about it being your birthday. Who are you again? Oh that's right, your just a guy that walked in with a very few friends. Your not a regular and your not anyone really important. Your a customer just like the other 100 people that walked in earlier. The year is what's important not the day. The only time the date is important is when it's your 21st birthday. You should be used to that already.

I guess if your night has been going really well then you might smile and ask if I noticed the day. Then I'll look and say happy birthday. If your having a bad night you might complain to your friends that the doorguy didn't even notice.

Either way I don't know you so I probably don't care.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Shift Pick Ups...

Lately I've been picking up a few more shifts at a couple places. I've been pretty bored so I figure the best thing to do is just work. Even if it's doing the same thing over and over day and night. After all, how else am I going to afford that 74" flat panel high definition television?

Wait... Do they even make them that big?

One of the biggest differences I've noticed from working nights that I don't usually work are the people. It's a different crowd of people that show up on my off nights then the nights that I do work. It's a lot of people asking where Matt is and giving me the "Matt doesn't card me" spiel. Which, after you hear it a hundred times, gets really annoying and people get the "Show your i.d. or leave" answer. Which in a sense is good because now next week, when Matt gets back, he'll hear about how much of an asshole I am and how great he is from his regulars.

"Matt never cards me." The girl sets her purse down on my chair and starts to dig through it looking for her i.d.

"Sorry, need to see it because I don't know you."

She stops looking through her purse and looks up at me, "I don't think I have it with me."

"Come back when you have it."

"That's ridiculous, Matt knows me and always lets me in without carding me."

"No i.d., no entry. Bye."

It's great working different nights sometimes as well. The nights are slower and there's a lot less hassles. There are times that I wish I worked those nights but I know I'd get really bored really quick. A bored Mike is a Mike that looks for something else to do. So I guess it's probably in my best interest to not work the slower nights. Occasionally is fine with me.

The slower nights means I basically just sit on a stool inside the door and read the captions to what ever is on the t.v. Sometimes I catch up on some reading and if it's really slow there's the chance of playing scrabble or chess. It's rarely that slow though.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Unassertive Encroaching...

No matter what you will always run into a person that is unassertively encroaching (aka: passive aggressive) They don't like to speak up about things that bother them. They'll sit back and hold in all their little complaints until they're a powder keg and then let it all out at once. This is not healthy in any means. Is it really worth it to let all that stuff build up inside you?

"Man, I just can't believe the type of stuff that goes on here."

"Well, you know who to talk to if somethings going on and it shouldn't be."

"Yea, but it's not my place to say anything."

"If it's bothering you then your the only one that can say anything."

"I just don't want to cause any waves."

They push things back and keep it in because they're scared to hurt feelings. I think the hurt feeling is there so that it can be used. Just like the other feelings like happy, sad, pain, ecstasy, and all the other dwarfs.

"Listen, if you don't put it out there then no one's going to know. So do something about it and don't just sit here and wallow in yourself..."

People that aren't able to get their feelings out tend to turn them inside. They get upset with themselves and with the events that are going on. They put themselves in a type of depression that is only lifted after they've burst.

"...If you don't let it out your just gonna make yourself miserable."

"Nah... I'll be fine."

"No you won't. You'll be bitchy until you get it out and then you'll just blow up."

"Yea, but things change then."

"Only for the next week because no one wants to talk to you. Then it starts all over again."

"It does seem that way..."

"That's because it is that way. So start telling people what you think at the time and quit worrying about hurting feelings. That's what they're there for."

Now here's the one thing I find interesting about passive aggressive people. They bitch and moan about something not being done and then when a solution for it is found they only do the solution for a short period of time. After that they quit doing it and the problem resurfaces all over again.

It really is a vicious circle that they can break out of but choose not too. Why not? They like the attention. They like knowing that people are talking about them even if it is in a bad way. That way they can feel sorry for themselves even more. If they're lucky they'll get some sap that will stick around and feel sorry for them too.

Then the question is, "Who's worse?" The passive aggressive or the idiot that sits around and puts up with their bullshit and praises them to make them feel better.

Monday, October 01, 2007


Being a doorman at a popular establishment is strange. While your at work everyone wants to know you and they see you clearly. When your not at work your pretty much invisible to everyone. Which is actually pretty nice. Lots of people have two different types of memory functions. The sober memory that remembers to take the dog to the vet and the Drunk memory that remembers what the doorman's name is and what he looks like. So most people have their sober memory working during the day and I stay invisible to them if they actually see me.

Sometimes I'm even invisible to some people when I'm right in front of their faces.

"What do you mean Mike's not here?" The woman speaking to me wasn't all that ugly. Her body had a great form with all the curves in the right places. "He better be here, or he ain't gettin any tonight!"

This just made me think, Who the hell is this chic?? I figured she was just trying to make a spectacle so that I would feel uneasy and let her in. "Listen, do you even know who Mike is?"

"I should. He's my baby's daddy." Now it really became interesting.

"Well, could you describe him to me? I haven't met him yet but I hear he's a real big shot around here."

"I don't have to describe anyone to you. If you don't let me in now you won't have a job tomorrow."

At this point the other people in line are all looking and I can hear some of them mumbling about. This woman was just getting louder with everything she said. Then she started to walk up to the door.

"Listen honey..."

"Don't you even honey me.."

"Listen, if your not with this Mike person that supposedly works here I can't let you in. Your gonna have to wait."

"Oh.. that's it. You ain't gonna have a job tomorrow!"

Just then, as if on cue, Megan walked up with a couple of her friends. "Hey Mike, I just have a couple friends. Think we can squeeze in?"

"Of course hun."

I turned to the loud mouthed woman and smiled. She stood there looking at me with her mouth wide open. "Miss, you never asked me what my name is. I don't know you so either wait in line or leave."

"That's just bullshit! You let me go on like that in front of all these people!?" she said as she spun around and started walking away. The crowd of people started laughing and she started telling them all to shut the hell up as she walked away.

It's funny how people never notice you until they want something from you. There are some people that know how to work this game and there are those that don't. Name dropping rarely ever works. The one time that it does guaranteed is when your a friend of an employee and that employee actually says something to the door staff about you showing up. Most other ways don't work at all.

Still the best way to slip into a place that has a line is hard cash. Just don't be cheap about it. If you want to act like a big man then pull out the big dollars, especially if you have people with you.

I still go out in the neighborhood occasionally and I take notice of the people that I meet at other establishments. If I see you enough then I help you out. I don't even expect you to do it for me, I could care less. I'm not about to shell out money to get into a place but I'll get into that at a different time.

I find it weird but comfortable that people don't recognize me while I'm out. It's kind of nice knowing that people don't notice me when I'm not at work. I've sat and had drinks with people I've thrown out before and listened to how they thought that "bouncer" was an asshole. Then I go on about how the guy is just doing his job and they agree. Sooner or later it comes out that I'm that asshole and everything is fine. They come back to the establishment and they're more aware of how I do things.

Now I just need to figure out how to work this invisible feat for personal gain.