Your not that cute honey...

"Yea, I used to use it in eye drops."

"Really?"

"Yea, it was the easiest way to do it and not get caught. What's your story?"

"My story? I guess I don't really have one. I'm the guy that's always around and rarely noticed."

"That sounds pretty boring."

"Yea... so does putting LSD in your eyes. In fact, that just sounds fuckin stupid."

The Job...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Dancer...

No matter where you work there's someone that just annoys the hell out of you. The best thing about work is that it doesn't have to be someone you work with. Once in a while there's a person that is in the bar that annoys you.

"Hey buddy, move it over to the side will ya?"

"This is a free space."

"Your annoying me."

They come to the establishment, they drink, they start dancing around like an idiot and they annoy you. The best part is that if they annoy someone enough they can be removed.

"So that means I can't have a good time?"

"Sure you can, just do it away from me."

Of course, through a night of drinking their memory goes south pretty fast. Mine doesn't.

"Hey man, move it down. Your in the way."

"I'm good right here."

"I said, your in the way."

"What ever man, I'm havin a good time. You should try it."

So I took his advice. I grabbed him by the wrist and walked him to the door.

"What the fuck man!?"

"I asked you twice to move. Now you get to dance outside."

"I can dance anywhere I want."

"Then do it out here." I turned and walked back inside.

The little bastard stood outside the door and danced on the sidewalk.

I have to say that it did give me a laugh even though it irritated the hell out of me at the time.

A Letter from a Doorman...

I was jumping around on Craigslist the other day and found this letter written by a doorman in Washington DC in the Best Of category. Hits on some key points and thought you might want to check it out.

Read on.

Can I See Your ID? - Washington DC Doorman


More to come.

I'm 36!...

"Can I see your i.d.?"

The man opened his wallet and closed it fast and tried to walk past me. I grabbed his arm, "Hey man, I need to see your i.d. please."

The man stopped and pulls his wallet out again. This time he opens it up and starts going through it."Here ya go."

He pulls out a chain store discount card.

"Yea, that's not a valid i.d., you got a real one?"

"I'm 36 years old, I don't need to show you an i.d."

"Yes you do. No i.d. no entry. I can't let you in."

"Listen, would a 19 year old have an American Express card?"

"Man, I had 3 credit cards by the time I was 20. I'm gonna have to ask you to go to a different bar."

"What!? This is ridiculous. I've been coming here for years! Look, I have gray hair and I'm balding!"

"No, you haven't and my brother was gray and balding when he was in high school. No i.d. no entry. Good night."

"Man. You know what you are?? Your a fuckin dildo!"

"Thanks, have a good one." I gave the man a thumbs up and smiled with my head cocked to the side.

"I'm 36 years old, I don't need a fuckin i.d. your just bein an asshole."

"Listen man, I'm doing what I get paid to do."

"They don't pay you to be an asshole!"


Sometimes I wonder.

Down Time...

Sorry for the down time. I've been experiencing some technical difficulties with the computer. I had to reformat and now I'm on the hunt for all my information and all my old bookmarks. I'll be back to normal in a couple more days.

I guess you learn from mistakes and this one has taught me to start storing my articles on the external drive.

More to come. Soon.

Extra Fun Tips...

"Would it be cool if I got a ride home with you?"

There are times that I give people rides after work. I figure I'm up and awake anyways and I'm usually not going to bed anytime soon. I don't do it for everyone usually people that have been coming to the establishment for a while or friends. It's kind of a perk for them to want to come by. They know they get taken care of. If they're too wasted though I tell them some story and put them in a cab. I don't want them puking in my car.

"Sure, just give me a few minutes to finish up and we'll get goin."

She's a very attractive woman. She had on a sheer dress and she has a very good looking body. So I went off to finish the things I do at the end of the night and she sat at the bar to wait for me. I finished up rather quick since she was waiting and out the door we went. Conversation was pretty dull on the way to the car. I stop at the passenger side door, unlock it and open the door for her. She gets in and I walk around to the driver side, unlock it and get in.

I get in the car and she starts to say thank you for the ride when I look over. I quickly look away as I pull on my seat belt and say, "Hun, you might want to fix your dress." Somehow when she got in her dress magically moved up. It was up enough that the mystery of panties or no panties was solved.

Her face turned red and she apologized. I told her there wasn't a need for an apology. It's not like I haven't seen that region before.

So I start up the car and sit there for a minute or two for it to warm up. "Ok hun, which way am I going to get you home?"

"Well, did you want to hang out tonight?" She sat there smiling at me.

"Ok, what did you have in mind? Breakfast?"

"We could do that. I'm a big fan of just hanging out somewhere and watching a movie. Wouldn't mind having another drink but I don't have anything at home. I mean I'm not looking for a relationship or anything."

"I think I have a few beers at my house. Shall we?"

There's been a million opportunities for me to be in this very situation. I've been in this situation only a couple times. I don't really like it.

So we get back to my place, I grab a couple beers out of the fridge and turn on a movie. We sit there and talk a little. Well, she mainly does the talking, the girl just wouldn't shut up.

"I'm really glad that we get to hang out. I always see you at work and never get to talk to you. So have you ever been tipped so people can get in?"

"Sure, it tends to happen."

"I have a customer that comes in occasionally and he's always leaving me extra tips."

"Tips are always a good thing."

"Yea, he always leaves me special tips. I don't mind sharing them if you want." Her eyes kind of lit up when she said that. At the same time I realized what extra tips meant.

"That's ok, you should keep that for yourself."

"Well, I don't like partying by myself. We can have a really good time," she moves closer.

"My partying years are way past me. I have no need for it."

Then she just kept yapping away for the next hour. She went on about things that I didn't give two shits about. Her schooling, her background, her family, all the places she's lived and then to top it all off, her boyfriend.

"Wait, hold on. You got a boyfriend?"

"Well yea."

"So why are you here?"

"Well, we're just hanging out."

"Ok... but your still here. The bars are closed and your here."

"Oh, we don't live together or anything."

Then she's off on another tangent about something. I start to get really bored at this point. "I hate to interrupt but it's gettin pretty late. I do need to get up early to do some things."

"Oh... ok. I can go. You sure you don't want to share?"

"I'm good. At least now you have more for you an your boy."

I walk her to the curb and wait until she gets a cab.


Just another reason why I steer clear of women who work in the industry.

Costume...

I think I figured out what I'm going to be for Halloween. It's always a competition at work to see who can out do each other with their costumes. I think I've came up with the perfect costume to top all of them.

I'm gonna have to go out and find a t shirt with a really lame picture and phrase on it. Maybe something having to do with the old cartoon My Little Ponies. Then the tightest pair of pants I can fit into. Some of those queer little boots that barely go over my ankles. A wig that has the tips frosted and is spiky. Then I'll need to ask a friend to apply some mascara for me, maybe a little blush too. Then to top it all off a big white belt.

Then when people walk up and ask what I am I can say I'm a Douche bag Hipster. They become appalled and I get a laugh. Perfect combination in my book. They realize just what people think of them and I get to put a statement across.

It's gonna be perfect.

Ah, young Padawan...

On a busy weekend like one near the holiday of Halloween it's always busy. There's lots of people wanting into the establishment and lots of people waiting in line. The worst part of it all is that most of the people are drunk.

One thing I've noticed is that everyone is in their own world. Even more so on Halloween because they all want to act like the character they're portraying. There's Wolfman howling, Spider-man and Venom wrestling, and a couple dressed as trailer trash (or Britney Spears and Kevin Federline I couldn't really tell..) yelling at everyone.

So I get to step out and tell them all to contain themselves or they wouldn't be allowed in. This lasted a whole 5 minutes maybe. The trailer trash couple lasted about a minute and they were back to screaming at each other. So I did what I said I was going to do.

"Guys, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"What the fuck for!?"

"I already explained it to you. If you can't be quiet out here when I ask you to you can't go inside."

The typical argument and name calling starts up and they leave. Next on the list, the Wolfman. He just wouldn't shut up.

"Hey man, I'm gonna ask you one more time. Quit howling or just leave."

"Oh, I'm sorry man."

I turn away and he howls. I turn back and his friends are laughing as he points to someone else in the group. "That's it man, don't waste your time waiting your not getting in." His friends start laughing and the Wolfman and his friends start to walk off. Behind them is a guy dressed up as a young Padawan, from Star Wars.

After telling the Wolfman he had to leave about a half an hour goes by and the Jedi Padawan is next in line to get in. As he stands there and waits he seems very patient since he just waited close to an hour just to come in.

It's now drawing closer to closing time when a few regulars walk up and say their hellos. A few minutes later a few people leave and I let the regulars in. This seems to have awakened the 'dark side' in the young Padawan.

"Man, what the fuck? Why ain't I going in?"

"You'll be in as soon as I can get you in there."

"No. Fuck that. I should be going in now."

"I'll tell you when you can go in. Keep talkin and you won't be going in at all."

A minute or two of silence and then it happens. I hear clearing of a nose and I feel a slight thud on my jacket. I look down and see the ball of spit and snot slowly rolling over itself as it walks down the front of my jacket. I look up and see the face of the Padawan slowly go from victorious to scared as he looks at me.

I step forward and grab him by the shoulder and raise my other arm. I pull my hand back and flatten it so I can smack him across the face like the child he is. Then he turns and pulls out of the cloak he had on like it was a layer of skin shedding off a snake. He gets to the curb of the street and stands there flipping me off. I stand my ground and wait.

I step into the establishment and ask Paulie to get me a wet rag to wipe my jacket off with. He comes back and looks at my jacket, "Is that really what I think it is?"

"Yep. Little fucker spit right on me."

"He still out there?"

"Yep. He'll be staying the weekend in jail soon though."

This is something people don't think about when they do stupid things. I'm not one to actually follow up on something like this but I will use it to my advantage. If you get arrested on a Friday night your not getting out until late Monday afternoon. Court isn't open on Saturday or Sunday so you have to sit and wait till Monday.

I step back outside and the guy is still at the curbside. Now he's rattling off about how he's a law student. He knows his rights and he knows that it's illegal for me to refuse him entrance. I guess he's not a very good law student because the number one rule with liquor establishments is this.

We have the right to refuse service to any one for any reason at any time.

However, learning that he is a law student makes it even better. Now I can just have him arrested for public drunkenness and screw him in two different ways. Make him sit all weekend and make him wait even longer to take his Bar Exam.

Why? From what I've been told by lawyers and policemen is this. If you have an arrest on your record you will automatically be refused by the state bar for licensing. You will be denied until the arrest is off of your record. Which means if you graduate you'll be flipping burgers because you can't practice law until you pass the Bar.

"An applicant must have good moral character,..."

Soon enough I see a squad car driving by and I flag them down with my flashlight. They pull up and the young Padawan starts walking down the street. The driver side window rolls down. "What's up Mike?"

"There's a young guy dressed as a Jedi walking around the corner. I think he'd like to spend the weekend in your motel."

"What'd he do?"

"He mumbled something and spit on me. Couldn't understand him but I think he said something about having something."

"Ok, we'll go get him."

Five minutes later the squad pulls back up. They ask me to identify the guy in the back seat and I sign a couple forms. Then they leave as I wave good bye to the Padawan going off to his fun weekend of Bubba and Bill. The cops tell me not to worry about showing up for court.

Surprisingly, the Spider-man and Venom characters that were wrestling in line were never a problem again. Even at the end of the night when Venom had to be partially carried out by Spider-man.

3 more...

Almost here...

Halloween is almost upon us. Worse yet, the weekend before Halloween is here.

Tonight will be a revolving night of statements that intoxicated patrons will think are questions. While checking i.d.'s at the door I'll have to ask people to remove masks. Then I'll have to tell some people that they can't bring certain props into the establishment.

Here's a few tips for approaching a doorman at a bar / club during Halloween.

• Don't carry props to your costume. - No one cares that your a baseball player. Your not taking a baseball bat into a crowded club full of drunk people.
• Don't wear a costume that obstructs your face. - If you have a mask, take it off. If it won't come off then you won't get in.
• Don't be the person your dressed as. - Just because your costume is a giant penis doesn't mean you have to be a dick.
• Don't over do the make up. - Again. If I can't tell who you are due to your make up, I won't let you in. I don't care about your costume.
• Don't walk up wasted and try to tell me that your being a drunk for Halloween. - It's been tried before and you get the same treatment as a drunk walking up on Halloween.
• There is still a dress code. - Even though it's Halloween, you still have to have shoes, shirt and some kind of pants / shorts.

There's just a few. I'm sure I'll think of more as the weekend goes.

5 more days till....

I swear I'll get back to posting real entries. Just a busy time of year for me.

6 more days till...

Happy Tree Friends

7 days till...

I found this video on Youtube.com. I'm guessing it'll be taken down fairly quickly but if it doesn't work just go to this site.

Saw IV

Scheduling...

I've never been one to like an over productive schedule. Not that I don't like to get things done. I just don't like to have a lot of things that I have to get done in a day. I'm a homebody by definition. I leave when I need to and stay home otherwise. I don't watch much television either. If I am watching tv, I'm more than likely watching a movie that came out within the past year. This way I can catch up with the lingo and jokes that the people around me are using.

Other than that I try to read and get in a few other activities. I have to admit, reading isn't one of my bigger activities. Which might be evident in some ways by the more experienced connoisseur of the English language. Does it really bother me? No, not really. People still read what I have to write.

I've never really understood the giant hustle bustle that comes with bigger towns and cities. I've never understood why people have to meet up at a place of business.

"Hey man, you want to meet up at E. Oli's Sushi Bar?"

"No, just meet me at my place."

"Really?"

"Yea, why not? I got beers and food here."

It's strange to me how some people just have an apartment to sleep in it. For the amount of money you drop to have an apartment you might as well live in it. Otherwise it's just a storage shed.

You pay out so much money a month so you can leave your belongings somewhere. Why not spend some time there? It's the one place that your the King (or Queen). Nothing costs a thing after you get it inside and if done right that could mean a lot. I always tend to have at least a 12 pack of some beer in the fridge and a couple different bags of chips. Good for game day with the possibility of a delivered pizza.

There are a lot of people I know in the industry that just don't do that. They'd much rather go out and hang out at some other bar. Get bumped around by jocks, preps, and hipsters. Really? I guess it really is different being a doorman as compared to a bartender.

"Man, you sure you don't wanna just meet up at E. Oli's?"

"Do what you wanna do man. I'm sittin here with my beer and big screen."

"Can I bring a couple people?"

"As long as they aren't any of the assholes from the bar."

The bartenders I know just want to be around people. They don't like the small crowds. They're so used to running up and down the bar. They deal with a lot of people all the time. So I guess it's just normal for them to want to be around a lot of people.

I, on the other hand, like to keep it low key. I like having a bare minimum of people around. That way it's more personal. People get to know people and they get to know how they work. I guess that just comes from dealing with thousands of people at work. I get to know you well enough and then I know if I'm going to have to deal with you. Some I get to know well.

"How bout Cale? I just saw him go over to the store."

"I said, 'No assholes from the bar'."

Of course being from two totally different positions of the establishment means two totally different ideas of who the assholes are.

"Well man, I'm just gonna go over to E. Oli's for some sushi. I'll give ya a call back if anythings going on."

"Yea, sounds good man. I'll be here."

And that's where I stay. I have no need to go do anything. I got my brew, my food, and my home. It's all I need after dealing with idiots all week.

8 more days till...

9 more days...

Rock Star Lines IV...

On busy nights with a long line of people waiting it's fairly hard to skip the line. If you have the right type of handshake it makes the wait go by a lot faster. Especially if you know the proper number of people you have and the amount of grease your providing. Grease and knowledge work great in the proper combination.

"Hey man, my friend over here wants to see if there's some way to get pass this line. He wants to know if Franklin has any pull around here."

"That depends on how many friends Franklin has."

"He just has five others with him."

"Then Mr Franklin should meet me and then see about going in."

The perfect mix of grease applied to a handshake can get you into many places. It works with the nightclub industry as well as the restaurant industry. Don't believe me? Next time you go to a fancy restaurant and want to skip the line of people waiting for a table try this. Slip a fifty dollar bill into a handshake and see how fast you get a table.

Here's a tip though. Don't be like this guy. Don't come back to the doorman and ask for more "help".

"Hey buddy, since I helped you out, you think you can help me out in here?"

"What kind of help are you needing?" I was thinking he meant that his group wanted a table. If that was the case I might be able to help him. Of course that would mean that he would have to "help out" who ever was inside getting him the table.

"Well, you think you can get us free drinks?" I laughed at him, literally. I looked right at him and let out a few laughs. "That's funny to you after we helped you out?"

"First off man, you didn't help me out. You helped yourself out. Your not still waiting in line are you?"

"What? That's how it is?"

"Listen man, if you want discount drinks then over tip the bartender. I'm not the bartender and I'm not going to ask them to hook up some one I don't know."

"That's fuckin bullshit man. Even after I helped you out? Why you being an ass about this?"

"Excuse me?"

"Man, I didn't have to give that to you. I was helping you out."

"I didn't have to let you in. I don't have to let you stay either. So either go inside and enjoy the fact that your not standing in line or argue some more and leave."

"Fuck you man." Then he turned and started walking back in.

I step inside the door and grab his arm, "Excuse me?"

"You heard me man. Fuck you."

I shoved him against the wall and shoved my finger in his chest while holding his arm. "You can either enjoy your time here or you can leave. Which is it?"

"The fucks your problem man!?"

"I did you a favor. A one time favor. Now you can either stay with your friends or I can throw you out."

"Fine man, what ever." I let him go and he walked off.

Then Casper walked up, "What's the problem with that guy?"

"Watch him. He fucks up in any way toss his ass out."

Twenty minutes later he's being shoved through the crowd to the door. Turns out he didn't know how to keep his mouth shut to the waitress. He didn't tip her at all and then started bitching about the price of drinks. He even complimented her on her "cunty" attitude. Such a class act.

I'll take a large tip from just about anyone. It doesn't mean that your an better than anyone else. It definitely doesn't mean that you can think your a big shot. Your still a nobody and you can still get treated like one. No skin off my back if someone tosses you out right after you get in.

Get a personality and don't be a douche bag.

10 more days...

That time of year...

It's about that time of the year again. The night more people will be pissed off at a club's security then any other night of the year. This time of year that I speak of?

Halloween.

It's the time of year that people can dress up in any way that they want to. Women can dress like sluts and the hookers fit in like everyone else. It's the time of year when anyone can be anyone and all the dregs of society fit in like they're everyone else.

It's strange for me to say that this used to be my favorite part of the year. The running through the cemeteries, hiding from the cops, toilet papering people's homes, and the never ending supply of candy. In some ways I'm kind of glad I out grew that stage. In many other ways I wish I hadn't.

I do remember a time when I was about 15 years old. Some friends and I decided to go out to the cemetery that was a couple miles out of town. We walked out there by following a railroad track, the whole time joking about how much it was like Stand By Me. Other than we weren't looking for a dead body and it wasn't going to take us days to get where we were going.

It only took us about 20 minutes to make it to the cemetery. After we got there we didn't even really think about what we were going to do, we just wanted to make it out there. We had heard a bunch of high schoolers say they were going there and we wanted to see what was going on. Of course, when we got there no one was anywhere to be seen. A couple years before there was a high schooler that had died in a car accident so we decided to go check out his gravestone and see if maybe anyone left anything there. So we started off across the graveyard.

Half way across the graveyard was a giant mausoleum. As we got closer to it a spot light lit up on the doors of it. All four of us jumped in different directions and hid in bushes and behind tombstones. The one cop in town was driving through the cemetery and was looking to see if anyone was around.

I was folded up as much as I could be in between two little evergreen trees next to a tombstone. Then the spotlight started moving around through the trees and the area near us. He never did find any of us though or he did and just didn't want to do anything. I remember the spotlight stopping on me for a second or two that felt like an eternity. Then the car drove by and he headed back towards town.

We ended up heading over to the tombstone of the high schooler that had died a couple years before. We stood there looking at his name and the dates . It was a very quiet moment. Lots of thoughts went through my mind. I think it was primarily the past memories of the times I had known him and the things that he had done. I knew him as well as I could but I never really knew him for who he was. I don't think anyone really knows anyone at the high school level. Your not really the person that your going to be yet. Your just beginning to know yourself at that age.

So we walked back to town down that railroad pathway and headed back to the bar that our parents were sitting in. As I walked in and sat next to my father he just looked at me and laughed. He pointed out the grass stains on my new jeans and said, "Your mothers gonna kill you for get grass stains on those jeans." Then I wondered if my dead friend ever had to hear that from his father.

That night ended soon after that. My father drank and talked with friends and I ate tacos and ran around town. It was one of the good times when nothing really mattered.

Those days lasted longer than most.