Bullsh*t -n- Bologna....

What ever corner you turn there's almost always some kind of bullshit going on. At every job I've ever worked there's always bullshit going on. Sometimes good but usually there are teams set up to play the field. The connivers versus the workers.

Let's take a look at these words.

Connive:

1. To cooperate secretly in an illegal or wrongful action;
2. To scheme; plot.

Workers:

1. 1. One who works at a particular occupation or activity: an office worker
2. A member of the working class.

Two totally different, opposite ends of the spectrum, words. Yet, they seem to exist within a level of existence that is soon to come crashing down.

Whenever you work at a place where your boss falls for fake people being cool you will always have connivers. These people are pretty much useless. They'll sit around and joke with just the right people.

They might even stop into work early, while the day staff is still around, just so they can find out who the real bosses are. Then they start doing favors for them and get on their good sides. Obviously, the day staff has no idea what's going on at night so they think that person is awesome for showing up so early for work.

Next thing you know, they get the good shifts or a faster advancement because the day boss loves them. Molly and I have never really had a problem seeing eye to eye. The times that we have had talks have always been settled and one of us has seen a point of view that the other did not. She usually understands that she doesn't know what's going on at night. She's never here at night and likes it that way. So once in a while she needs to get an idea of what is going on.

The problem in that is this. If she found out half of the things that are going on then half of the staff would probably get fired. Between the self inflicted habits and people just not doing their jobs they'd be out the door. Including one Sparky that she thought was such a great idea. An update on him soon to come. So sometimes it's better to let things play out the way you want them too.

This is when the other side of the coin kicks in and also how things get a little twisted. There are definitely teams in a sense at any bigger place. Taking the way our little club works it always seems to be the doorstaff versus everyone else.

The doorstaff is basically made up of blue collar workers. We all know how most regular jobs work. You go to work, do your job, and after so long you get rewarded. End of story. Unless your worthless you get what's coming to you. Sometimes you do even when your worthless just not in a good way. Besides all this, when we see someone get screwed over we want to try and fix it. It might take us a while but it gets fixed. Especially when it's someone that we consider part of our team.

Everyone else is basically the bartenders, managers, and the higher ups. The bartenders are usually no problems. Most of them have been doormen before they became bartenders. They know what's going on and don't usually involve themselves.

The manager is pretty pliable. Depending on how you handle them depends on where they are. We keep them out of trouble so they listen but that's never anything to really believe in.

The higher ups are ones I stay away from. These are people you don't want to include in anything. Usually that's where the top dog goes if really needed. The top dog (TD) is the head doorman. TD knows all the higher ups and can state his opinion to them without consequence. If I were to open my mouth to them I'd probably get fired on the spot.

Now the twisted part. This is when you get all the different people going in all the different paths. The connivers become the hunted and the workers becoming the connivers against the connivees. Certain people that want in to see certain friends won't be allowed in. Favors will be hard to get and the connivees will be watched for any certain patterns they start.

It's almost like a well drawn out battle plan. In the nightlife it really is basically all about what people can do for people. Then again, it's also what you can't do for people too. No one really knows what can or can't be done for anyone. We can tell you no and the manager says yes but the manager has to come to us and say yes. We don't have to look for the manager. The inconvenience is there for both the parties, the person wanting something and the manager having to make time for them. We're the middle man, we don't always have what you want.

Some might say that we just get lazy because we won't go look for someone. Guess what, that's not our job. When it comes to letting people in that are on a guest list, this is our job.

"Your on the list, come on in."

OR

"Your not on the list. The cover's $__."

"But I was told I was on the list for tonight."

"Your not, so you can pay the cover or don't and not come in."

"Well, can you get ______? They said they'd put me on the list."

"No we can't. Either pay or don't, your choice."

That's when the person gets all upset and leaves. Which could mean a numerous amount of things could or could not happen. It's just a small slice of enjoyment for us and maybe an eye opener for someone else.

I'm with the band...

When working at the venue we have a pretty tight ship. Granted, we have a couple new guys like Pete, Sparky and Jose but it's pretty tight. For the most part we all know what our jobs are. We are at our stations keeping an eye out for things going on and we check people for band passes.

Band passes are for the performers only, plain and simple. They're not for the girlfriends or wives or any little groupie that comes around. It's done this way so that the liabilities for damage is on those people and those people alone.

A band pass will get you into the stage area, the backstage area, and any other area that might be for the performers only. This means basically that if anything gets broken or stolen from those areas, whether it's our property or yours, blame falls on those people with passes.

Now here's a little thing that I never really understand from those local garage bands that play at times. What makes you think that your special?

National touring bands completely understand that the backstage green rooms are for them and them alone. They know that if they want to take their real life brother back there that they need a pass for him. They know that when they walk up with the two annoying groupies that I will stop the groupies from entering. They know that if so much as a hole is found in the wall of their green room that they will have to pay for it. So there's never a problem with the national touring bands.

Yet, the local garage bands think that the green rooms are there just to take their girlfriends and family and everyone else. They don't seem to think that I will get tired of walking back there and kicking their friends out.

"I find you back here one more time I'm throwing you out of the club."

"Oh, well, we didn't know."

"Didn't see that big red sign that says you must have a pass to be back here? Or didn't you hear me the first time when I told you not to be back here?"

Then they think I don't notice when they hand their pass off to a friend right in front of me.

"Can I see your pass?"

The young lady pulls it out from her back pocket. "Sure. Here it is."

"Miss, did you perform tonight?"

"Sure."

"You were actually in the band and played an instrument?"

"Well, not really. My boyfriend did though."

"Thank you. I'll take that pass." I reach over and take the pass away from her.

"But how's my boyfriend gonna get his stuff out of there?"

"Guess he should have thought of that when he gave you his pass."

Then you have the really slick ones. They think their smooth. They're the ones that walk up with a couple people and talk to me as they motion their friends to walk in. This one's usually a little bit fun because I'll let their friends walk by acting like I'm really interested in what the person has to say.

Then when the person talking to me walks in I give them a couple minutes and I walk in. I go to their dressing room and look in. The person that was talking to me smiles and usually says something about how great of a guy I am. Then I ask for everyone's pass and throw everyone out. I then remind that person that if he/she brings anyone else back without a pass I'll throw them out of the club even if they haven't played yet.

What the garage bands don't realize is this. Most of these bands store their personal stuff in these rooms. Their laptops, phones, ipods, or what ever they don't take on stage with them. Now all the bands that are playing that night have their things back there and there isn't a doorman for each room, there's one. That one doorman is the one that's at the main door leading back to these rooms.

Now if you keep taking a bunch of people back there without passes who's to blame if things get stolen? The club because we let all these people back there without passes or the bands for taking people back there without passes? This is an argument that has happened a few times and usually right in the middle of the argument one of the band members walks out of the room with his girlfriend. A person who wasn't supposed to have a pass but somehow did. Thus, negating the bands argument.

Really, if you want your girlfriend back there or your family then ask for extra passes. It's not that hard, you just open your mouth and ask.

So here's a tip for all the little rockstar wannabe's that are in the toddler stages. If you want to be a rockstar then act like one. Treat your girlfriends / boyfriends / family like rockstars and get them passes too. Don't turn what could be a great night into a big night of hassles. Try to make the night memorable by not being that band that's a pain in the ass. When your a pain in our ass we make you look like an ass. Which is easy.

"What do you mean I need a pass? I'm his wife / girlfriend."

"Well, I guess next time he'll remember that. There have been a few ladies going back there with passes but you have to have one to go back there. You might want to remind him who the important people are." (Of course, those few ladies could be ladies in a different band or the staff or girlfriends of other bandmates or bands. How should I know who they really are?)

Strong handshakes...

Now this might be a bad idea to post here but I'm really getting tired of constantly posting about throwing people out and how people annoy me. Those two subjects are pretty normal for anyone that has ever worked in the serving industry or in bars or clubs.

The bar I work in becomes fairly popular on the weekend nights. (Friday and Saturday) It's open fairly late and draws a good crowd. So much so that there is usually a line to get in. Sometimes there are anywhere between 5 to 40 people outside waiting to get in. Usually on a busy night it's at least a 20 minute wait but there have been people waiting as long as 35 to 40 minutes to get in. I've never really put together why anyone would wait that long to get into a simple bar. There's no live music, no cheap drinks, no naked ladies, and nothing special about the place. Maybe I just think that because I'd never wait to get into a bar or because I work there.

On nights like these people are always trying to just walk right up and get in. If they're stupid they try to walk past me and the line and open the door. I give these people the benefit of the doubt and point them to the end of the line. Either they go there or they then proceed to tell me one of many different stories.

*Oh, my friends are inside and they told me I could come right in. (They don't work here, I do. Go wait in line.)
*I'm really good friends with the owner. (Oh, what's his name?) Uhm, I think it's Jim. (Cool, I think you should wait in line.)
*My roommate's in there and he/she has my keys. (Call your roommate and tell them to bring your keys out to you.)
*I just really need to use the bathroom. (Sorry, I'm at capacity. You'll have to go somewhere else to do that.)

Now as for the capacity issue. On busy nights I never get to capacity. I always leave a big window for people due to VIP's and employees walking up and wanting in. I have made VIPs and employees wait before. They will gladly just because they know they'll still get in faster than the people waiting in line. I have my list and I always keep that list handy so I know when to start the lines. On most of these nights the list has at least 20 names on it plus their guest.

Some nights there's an offer that even I can't refuse.

A guy came walking up to me one night and asked if there was some way he could possibly get in. I told him there was a line outside and then pointed out where the end of it was. He said he realized that and was wondering if there was any other way that he and his good buddy Andrew could come in. He then extended his hand out as if to shake hands.

I looked down to his hand and then asked how many people he had. He said it would be him his girl and a friend. I laughed and told him that Andrew better have some brothers if he wanted to skip the line.

Pause: Just to clear the air about Andrew. It's come to my attention that some of my readers are from outside of the U.S. Andrew is in reference to Andrew Jackson, the President that is on the 20 dollar bill. Thought I would shed some light on that just in case it wasn't known. I'm not very worldly and have no idea what other countries money looks like so I guess I figure you might not as well.

After a minute or two pause the guy asked me if I had change for a hundred dollar bill. I plainly stated that I don't make change. The guy decided to shake my hand and I gave Ben a new home. I then checked their IDs and let them enter.

This isn't a normal thing really. There are some people that come up occasionally that know the game and it works perfectly. There are others who think five dollars should get them and three of their friends in out of the cold. Obviously, if that's the best you can do to get in then you won't be spending the type of money you should inside the bar.

Interdependent Apprehensions...

Working the front door of a popular bar or club always gives you a bit of local popularity or notoriety. Hopefully more for the first over the second.

The way I look at it the less 'friends' I have the better. Most of the people I meet while working I'll never see other than at work. They'll only really talk and be cool to a doorman, away from his work, if they are regulars or they really want to know you. Out of all the people I've met the regulars are the best.

Then there are the friends of friends. These people are usually pretty cool as well. They're friends of the staff and come in almost as frequently as the regulars. Once they've been in a few times with staff on the staff's days off they get the same perks. Just not as quickly. After all, there is a type of hierarchy going on here.

Then there's Industry. If you work in the industry there are obvious perks when you go to other bars and such. Although, it does matter if the staff goes to your place of work. If I've never heard of it, don't know anyone that works there, or just don't go there then you should get to know somebody. Basically, if you don't scratch our back we don't scratch yours.

This also works the other way around too. If I ever show up at your place I expect the same thing back. If I didn't let you in once then I don't expect you to let me in if I'm in the same state. So all in all someone has to give that break first. If it sounds like a great place to catch a drink or dinner then I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and let you in, as long as you don't have a lot of people with you.

I'll probably ask you what days you work and show up on one your not working. If the foods good or the service is good then I'll show up some time you are working. That's when the game begins. I scratched your back. Now, will you scratch mine?

If your thinking, "This kinda sounds cold," then you've never worked in the serving industry. Servers make very little money hourly. Basically, you survive on your tips and the government gets a cut out of that too. So you get your breaks where ever you can. If you get a good deal from someone you give one back. Scratching backs the whole way through.

Then there's the ladies. There's a popular myth about doormen. I've heard it from many people asking me if it's true. The myth is just that, a myth. Everyone seems to think that because your a doorman you get the pick of the ladies. Definitely not true.

Many times at the door I've been propositioned by females just so they can get into the bar. Granted, as much fun as it sounds it's not really something I'm looking for. I'm not saying that I'll turn down any female that comes around. I'm just saying, why would you offer something like that up just to get into a bar? Offering yourself up like that is a turn off to me.

I can see where the myth comes from. Many times the lady regulars will come up and give me a hug and maybe a peck. Then I let them in the bar before the line. So obviously we must be doing a lot more than just saying hello.

The funny part in that situation is when the other women in line see it. They do one of three things.

Some will walk over, give me a hug and a peck, then reach for the door. Then the line gets a nice little laugh when I thank them for the hug and ask them to wait in line.

Then there are the jokers and talkers. The jokers will laugh about it and joke about it with me without expecting anything, which is fun and sometimes helps them out. The talkers will start heckling me for letting the "whores" in. Depending on the regular, this usually gets them a warning. I basically tell them if they open their mouth again they won't be coming in the bar.

Lastly, there are the women who don't say or do anything. They're just there for some reason and don't really seem to care if they get in or not.

I can say that I fell into the trap before. I tried playing the little game of letting a couple women in a few times just on hopes that something might happen. I played that game and I don't anymore.

Many of my friends and acquaintances have said it before. I'm pretty straight forward about everything. Everything is pretty much the key word there. I've never played the little games that most people play when it comes to "hooking up" or finding a girlfriend. To me, games are a waste of time in that department.

So I have found that it's better not to have a lot of friends. It makes my job easier and I have a lot less things to distract me. Not to say that I don't have opportunities, I just don't go out of my way to find them.

The Female...

Had a little excitement at the bar. Entailed asking a female to leave. That's about all I can really say right now since there is a court case that I will have to attend.

Phil talked to me about it and the charge is battery. Not on me or anyone at the bar but on the female that we tossed out. We might go but all we were really worried about was just getting her out at the time. I know her face and so does Phil so we know she won't be coming back for a long while.

We'll decide soon and I'll keep it posted.

Extraction...

Everybody loves a good rock show. The intensity of the music live and in your face. The brews going down faster than if you were just sitting at home with the CD or DVD blaring on your home system. The people in the crowd getting all riled up and the jumping and bumping that goes on in the front of the stage.

Anyone who says they'd rather sit at home and listen to one of their many favorite bands on CD than go and see them live is not a true fan. From classical music to punk and everything in between you'd just rather see them live. There's just something about the electricity that fills the air at a live show.

So now I wonder why you'd be an idiot and get thrown out before that band plays.

The venue is a pretty small place to see bands. It's not a huge place and I've talked before about throwing people out. It's pretty routine. You warn them and if they do it again you throw them out. Then it's up to the front door not to let them back in.

How does the front door know not to let them back in? Well, like many venues there's a no re-entry policy. This is pretty self explanatory. If you leave you have to pay to get back in. Granted people are probably thinking, Shit, I'd just pay and go back in. There's a small flaw to that. If you do get thrown out and you pay to go back in and we see you inside we throw you out again. This time through the front door so they know not to let you back in again.

Our front door staff has been around for a while. Most of them have worked other venues before and know what to look for. I won't say that I'm of that caliber because I won't and the other guys have a few years on me.

Basically, they're looking for the guy with ripped clothing, sweaty clothing, and the talker. The talker is the guy that comes walking back up fast to the door and tries to walk right by the staff. He'll go on about how he shouldn't have been thrown out or his jacket is inside or he needs to let his friends know that he's outside. This guy is usually pretty annoying. The fact is simply but hard to process for these guys. You got thrown out. Your not getting back in.

He'll stand there for a long time trying to persuade his way back in but it doesn't work. He'll offer money, he'll offer his ID up as collateral, one guy even bought a ticket off of someone and tried to come back in. Sooner or later you'll get really annoying and we'll ask you to leave the front of the club. When you don't and you go on your spiel about how it's a free country and you have every right to stand there we'll just point to the No Loitering sign on the wall.

When you don't leave then we'll motion to the next available police officer that is patrolling by. We'll explain to the officer that you got kicked out of the club and won't leave. We'll even tell them that we don't want to press any charges for the broken bottles or elbowing an employee or what ever you did to get kicked out if you'll just remove yourself from our sight.

This is when everyone gets to see what kind of a person you are. You could be a complete asshole and try to get us arrested for the way your removed. Try to play the nice guy card and try to explain to the cops that you just want to tell your friends your leaving and they can go in with you. (Which doesn't work, the cops care about that as much as we do.) Then there's the jag off method.

Keep telling the cops that it's your right to stand where ever you want. Then to show them that you know what your doing stand just past the edge of the club. This way your off our property and you can still talk about our mothers. This is the brilliant thing to do. Especially when the cops are still standing there. Sooner or later one of the door staff will get tired of hearing you call his mother a whore or that he's useless or he'll just get tired of hearing your voice. Then comes the slander.

If you want to talk all kinds of shit then that's great. Did you know that you can be arrested just for telling someone to fuck off? You do now. When the cops come over and ask you to move on or risk being arrested don't question them. Move on.

You could be the next contestant on Who's Tiny's Bunkmate...

The Don'ts...

It's been a few days and nothing has really happened as of late. So I figured I'd start a little list. It's a list of possible things that you really shouldn't bother door staff with. It ranges from when your waiting in line until you make it in and leave.

Not to forget, all of these don't really pertain to all clubs. Then again, if you take all the things I write about that seriously you should quit reading.

When your waiting outside in line due to a capacity issue.
*Don't count the number of people that leave in a loud voice.
*Don't tell me how many people have skipped you in line. (There's usually a reason. They're VIP's or they have a great handshake.)
*Don't argue with the doorstaff. (We decide if your even going to walk in the door.)
*Don't pick fights with people walking by, standing in line, or fake fight.
*Don't make empty offerings.
*Don't try staring down the door staff.
*Don't stumble, lean on someone, trip, or act drunk in any way.
*If your told or asked to have a good night. Leave.

When inside the bar.
*Don't be extremely loud yelling countdowns or "chug, chug, chug". (Unless your in a sports bar. But I'm sure that annoys people there too.)
*Don't grab anyone, especially the waitstaff.
*Don't vomit on the floor, trash can, on people, walls, etc...... If you need to vomit, you need to go home.
*Only argue about your tab if your sober and you know you didn't order those eight Jaeger Bombs.
*Don't do anything to annoy the lady folk. I get enough complaints or the right one and you'll be asked to leave.
*Don't use your preferred drug inside.

Don't bother the doorstaff.
*Don't ask questions such as:
How do I get your job.
How'd you get this job.
Do you like to/wanna fight.
*Don't 'hang out' with me at the door if you don't know me personally.
*Don't assume I like you or that we are good friends.
*Don't try to 'pull one over'.

Basically this list will change. It could change daily or monthly but I'll try to keep adding on as I think of things.

More soon to come.

Dress Codes...

One thing I would never categorize myself as is a racist. There are things in this world that I like and dislike. Now I won't go on about how I hate my job or how I love my job because I really don't have strong feelings either way. My job can be boring and at times feel unimportant but at other times it's exciting and you actually feel like you made a difference to someone.

There are certain types of music that I like and other kinds I really can't stand. There are also types of people that I prefer not to be around. As my father put it best.

"I don't hate (place race description here), I hate everyone."

There are many different types of people in the world. Each race has its own good and evil. I would go through all the different races but I know that would just bring on a whole barrage of useless comments. So what I will do is just list some of the good to evils of white people.

Good - Bad

Caucasian - Wigger, Redneck, Yankee, White Trash, and Trailer Trash.

Of course these are only a few of the different terms and, depending on how you use them, they are good or bad. Just like the most common slang for black people and used most commonly by black people. Nigger.

Watch your back if your a person of any race besides African American and you use the word nigger. You will definitely get a stare down depending on where you are. Then again, black people call each other nigger, or nigga, all the time.

So by now, if your still reading, your wondering what all this really has to do with the Dress Code title and how I'm not racist.

It turns out that the bar is now going to have a slight dress code on the weekends. The typical hip hop gangsta look is a sure fire way not to get into the bar now. These are also the people that we've been having problems with at the bar. They're the ones that like to grab waitresses, carry weapons, and numerous other things that I haven't yet gone into.

I'm not really all in favor of this dress code idea. Number one it's going to cause my job to be a lot more stressful. Second, I hate to think a certain look or style is good enough reason to keep people out of a bar. I can understand it for a club that is trying to promote a look and feel but this is just a bar. Our juke box has metal, rock and rap in it so there isn't a certain feel that we are going for.

There will be name calling that I foresee in the future. There will probably be more confrontations in the future. As with any change in any bar or club this is how it happens. One person will have to start it out and later down the road tell the stories of how it all happened.

I've heard plenty of stories about how the places have changed and people have come and go. Even though this isn't as big of a change as the other stories I've heard it's still a change.

The stories are being written as we all go about our own.

Respect the waitresses...

I grew up in a pretty normal household by my own standards. As a pretty general statement this could mean that beating people and drinking all hours of the day and night are normal. Or that could be a really fucked up thing to say.

I grew up almost as a Southern Gentleman. I've always been interested in history and the codes of conducts that were the norm by that time. Chivalry is almost dead in today's society. A lot of men will treat women anyway they want and think it's ok and right. I don't really think that way.

Now I've never been a church type of person at all. I get nauseous at times when I'm inside of churches yet I love the architecture of many. There are certain passages that have stuck in my mind but I can't tell you where they came from or what verse or any of that crap. To me the bible was a good book. Nothing to fully believe in because the stories were handed down from generation to generation for hundreds of years before it was actually recorded. But there was a part that has stuck in my mind since.

That's the part where women were made from a rib. They were made from this because they were made to be our equals. They weren't made from our heel to be walked on, our hands to be beaten with, or our legs to be kicked around. Women don't deserve to be groped, slobbered on, or their asses pinched by men that don't have that type of relation with them. Granted there are some that think they should be worshipped but they weren't made for that either.

Now when one of the waitresses at the bar comes running up to the front door and is screaming that someone needs to be thrown out I don't ask any questions. Especially when the waitress is screaming. They've yelled before but this was a scream.

I'm not sure what kind of a man this was really, other than being a piece of shit. I get back to where Meg is and she's pointing out a black man that's about 5'9" and saying he had to leave.

I looked at the man, he looked over at Meg, and I starting pushing him out the door. When I got him to the door I shoved him through the front and past the line.

"Come on man, I didn't do shit in there."

"Take off man."

"Yo man. I didn't do shit."

"Get the fuck out of here, your not coming back in here."

I stood outside with the line and watched as the man left. The people in the front of the line asked what had happened and I plainly told them that he had been annoying one of the waitresses.

"That's all? He got thrown out for that?"

"Yep, so I suggest you don't upset them and tip well."

After that I walked back inside and hoped that Meg would come by to let me know what had happened. She never came around but one of the other waitresses, Sally, came over and told me what had happened. Which really made me wonder what kind of people are out there.

There is never a reason to grope a waitress. Let alone grab for her, as coined by Meg, 'hoo-ha'.

After work I told Meg that if that shit happens again in any way to let me know before I got him out.

"I know, I just wanted him away from me. I felt really violated and wanted him gone."

"Well, next time let me know first then I'll get him out and we'll get the cops on his ass."

Women are our equals in many ways. I've seen it everywhere I've been, no matter what kind of work your in. They deserve as much respect as anyone else.

Hey there Sparky...

Every once in a while there's a call for some new blood at the venue. Usually, we look for big guys that look like they can hold their own against a whole group of people in a mosh pit. That is if we, the security staff, do the hiring.

Of course, most people do all their job hunting during the day. Just like Sparky did.

As I was sitting at the door a young kid walked in asking to leave his number. Explaining that he had just filled in an application earlier and had put down the wrong number. All 120 pounds, skin covered skeleton with spiky hair of him was asking nervously to leave his number. Repeating himself a few times as he stared at the table. He kept saying that he talked to someone but couldn't remember her name.

The her that he was referring to was the day manager. The lady who signs the checks. I've never had any troubles with Molly and that's how I like it. I've heard a few horror stories about people who have had problems with her though. Once in a while she decides to hire a security guy and it's usually not all that great of an idea. She kind of hires doorguys like the bar hires waitresses. They look good so they must be good.

Inevitably these little scrawny kids either quit or are fired within a couple months depending on how many hectic shows we have.

Once in a while we are proven wrong. Pete is a pretty scrawny guy but he has some training behind him and can hold his own. Then again, he's only been around for about two months.

So now, not only will we be babysitting the drunks and rowdies at the shows, we'll also have to keep an eye on Sparky.

Get your game on Sparky. No one likes to babysit anyone they work with.

The streets might be dirty...

The city isn't really known for being the cleanest place in the world. At any time you'll see posters, cans, plastic cups, and all kinds of debris laying around. It might not be a lot of stuff all over but you usually can't go more than a block and see it.

I'd never call myself an environmentalist and I'm no where near a 'tree hugging hippy". Still, I don't like seeing people cast their garbage on to the streets. So when a group of five people walk up and do so it's good to help them understand where garbage goes.

When you walk up to the front door of the bar it's set back in a little area about five feet from the sidewalk. It's there for whatever reason. It's definitely not there so you can throw your garbage there.

It was early in the night when the group was walking up. A group of five and all of them had paper plates and napkins from the little pizza place around the corner that sells slices for a buck or three. As they walked up I asked them for their IDs and let them know that they wouldn't be able to bring the food in since our kitchen was still open.

The normal sighs were heard from the group and one of the ladies asked if they could finish it there and go in. I let her know that was perfectly fine. The first guy in the group that was done with his food threw his hands up like he had just won some contest and pulled out his ID. As I checked his ID the others in the group were finishing as well.

After looking at his ID I said thanks and informed the group that they needed to throw out their plates and napkins before coming in. As I was in process of telling them that there is a dumpster around the corner and a garbage can at the end of the block, three paper plates with crust and napkins hit the sidewalk about two feet from my foot.

The first guy grabbed the door and started pulling it open. I put my foot in front of the door and stood there looking between him and the garbage that the group had just thrown onto the ground in front of the bar.

"Oh, did you need my ID again? Cause you just checked it."

"No, but I do need you to do something with that garbage you just left in front of my bar."

"What? We got rid of it. You didn't say we had to put it anywhere specifically." Then the smirk came out. It's strange how some people just think they're funny.

One of the ladies then chimed in, "Mark, just pick up your garbage and throw it away."

"What, you want me to clean up the entire city? Maybe I should go pick up that shit over there too. Come on, let's go get a drink."

He pulled on the door again and it still wouldn't move with my foot in the way.

"No, seriously. You need to pick up your garbage. Don't disrespect the this place if you want to come inside."

The guy stood there and just looked at me like he couldn't believe what I was saying. The other two guys picked up their plates and the girl walked over. "Jesus Mark, I'll fuckin pick it up for you."

In a voice that's most commonly used for toddlers the guy said, "Ok, all the garbage is gone now. Now can we come in?"

"No. Have a nice night."

Then the barrage of voices came out. All of them complaining and nagging. The fun part was that none of it was directed at me. The two ladies were completely going off on this guy. The other two guys didn't say a word but slowly started heading down the street.

The group walked off and you could hear them a block away arguing.

The way I look at it, if the guys were such jag offs about garbage then they probably would have been jag offs in the bar too. They would have been bad tippers, loud, and more than likely annoyed some people. Besides, I just didn't like that they thought it was funny and cool to just drop their garbage in front of the door.

Disrespect is never really a big issue at the door. I really don't think this group was meaning to be disrespectful to the bar but that's how I took it. So I dealt with it the best way I knew how. They cleaned it up in hopes of entering and I denied them entry. Maybe they learned something but it's pretty doubtful.

Retardation hits again.

Lurkers and smirkers that say, "That door hurts!"

Lurkers

Throughout every bar there are always those guys that just sit back and wait. They're not always bad. Some like to sit back and see what's going on through the night, also known as 'People Watch'. Then there are those that sit back and wait for, what they think is, the perfect opportunity to talk to that one woman they've been watching all night.

The thing that's disturbing about this is they make it pretty obvious that they're watching. Sometimes they even switch parts of the bar when that particular lady does. These guys are usually pretty harmless. They're extremely insecure and scared as hell to talk to women. They usually sit around and hope the lady will notice them and come over to talk, which never works.

Of course there's always the other Lurker type, the Opportunity Lurker (OL). The guy that thinks he's got the world by the tail and everything a woman would want. Many of these guys have access to many different types of things. Anything from nice cars, houses, money or drugs. They find out little details of certain people and then try to use what those people like to influence them to go with them.

For instance, Leroy finds out that Nancy likes the nose candy. Leroy has some and lets Nancy know and then hangs out flaunting what he has in hopes that Nancy comes with. This comes down to whether or not she's willing to degrade herself for this little party favor. Then again, if Leroy is really persistent he won't leave until she leaves. Then he'll be outside the bar trying like hell to get what he wants. Unless he is asked to leave first.

I can think of a few times now that I've asked Lurkers to leave. I really don't care one way or the other. What people choose to do to themselves is their own problem. Unless it effects me personally. The Lurkers usually leave with no problems since they know that they want to come back the next night and try again. They can try all they want. Sooner or later someone's gonna bite and get reeled in.

Smirkers

Then you have your Smirkers. These can be guys or gals. They come out in many different circumstances. The most popular ones are the ones that smirk when you ask for their ID.

I ask for everyone's ID. You could be 6'4" and your whole head could be covered in white hair. I still want to see your ID. My brother had silver hair in high school and was 6'2" so how do I know how old you really are. These people pull out their ID and roll their eyes with a small little smirky smile on their face. These people, although they look like they're in their mid-thirties, are usually around 23 or 24 years old. I just laugh on the inside, they've got a few more years of IDing coming to them.

Then you have the Violent Smirkers (VS). These guys are usually upset about something or they think they're being funny in a really stupid way.

Once we call 'last call' in the bar that means no one comes in the bar and if you want another drink you better hurry and get it. I really don't care if you've been in the bar for five hours before last call your not coming back in. Your friends will be heading out the door in about ten minutes so you can meet them outside.

This really isn't a stated challenge to see if you can make it back in. So when you step into the first door four times in a row and you get the same answer each time it doesn't mean try to walk by me.

Little Billy walks up to me just inside the front door.

"Hey man, we're done. I need you to head back outside."

"Thaz cool man. I'm just gonna look for my buddy."

"Sorry man, you need to go back outside. Your friends will be out in a few minutes."

"Oh cool, he's in here? I'll grab him real quick." This is when Little Billy looks at me and puts up his little half smile smirk and decides he wants to go inside pretty bad. He puts his hand up on my shoulder and takes a step past me. To this I put my arm across his chest.

"Hey man, I said you need to go back outside. Your friend will be right out."

This is when he slides past my arm and tries to walk into the bar fast. It's also when I grab his arm and pull him back towards me.

"Hey!! You don't need to be pulling on me man!"

"Then how bout we head back outside."

"Yea, one sec, I'm gonna grab my friend."

To which he turned and once again tried to go into the bar. This time I grabbed his arm, pulled him towards me and got him onto the other side of me heading towards the first door.

"Man, fuck you!! You don't need to be pushing me around!" About that time he shoved me and tried heading into the bar again.

After all this I was pretty tired of trying to be cool. The guy had really just got under my skin really fast.

The distance between the first door and the second door is just about five feet. This time when Little Billy tried to come back in his feet never met the floor within that distance. In one quick motion I grabbed him, picked him up off the floor and tossed him. When he hit the door he was able to catch himself off the door handle and the door jam. I was already walking towards him when he started his little battle cry and came at me again.

This time I just grabbed him by the shirt and threw him down to the sidewalk in front of the bar and the thirty patrons that were already outside and walking out behind me. I do have to say, he was a persistent little guy. He bounced right up off the sidewalk and came at me. By this time Phil had made it to the door way and jumped right in front of the guy grabbing him and trying to cool him down. That's when I just walked back inside.

Phil came back in after a few minutes and asked if I was ok and let me know that the guy had left. Part of me kind of hoped the guy would have came back. It would have been good exercise.

After all this the bar cleared out pretty quick. All the people who were at the front of the bar saw most of it and left without any questions. At the end there were a few friends of the staff hanging out and all was calm.

Within every group of friends there are Lurkers and Smirkers. Just about everyone knows someone like these people. There are a few that are considered regulars at the bar. The Lurkers never really understand why I ask them to leave. They usually think I'm 'cock blocking' them. Then I explain to them why and they still don't understand. They really think the women like them and they were about to talk them into leaving.

I guess the illusion could be understood when your drunk. I can't say that I haven't been there, I think every guy has.

Updates and such...

In the past few days nothing of signifigance has really happened. Nobody asking if I want to fight, trying to grab their sister's ID out of my hand, or any arguments that needed to be resolved by throwing them out the door and on to the sidewalk.

I have decided that I'm going to try to update at least every other day if at all possible.

This might bring in a more diverse coverage of many things other than just the work life. But what the hell, might as well.

Temperatures have dropped in the midwest lately and many people have decided to stay home these past couple nights. It's the weekend now so let's just see if it still matters. The cold temps have been here for a couple days now. This is usually when people realize that it's not going away and they start coming out again.

It's friday night. Frat boys, loud mouths, divas, and the ever present rockers are getting their drink on tonight. Let's see what they have in store for this tiny little world.

I think you just want to fight...

Probably the number one most stupid thing I hear at the door is, "I think you just want to fight, huh?"

Of course. I mean why else would I work the front door of bars? It wouldn't be because I can use the extra cash or that I get paid well to keep people in check. I just love to fight. Nothing more or less, I just want to beat the hell out of people. I get no satisfaction out of life in anything else I do other than hurt people. (Sarcasm can be a hard thing to read at times, I'm told. Good thing most people would recognize this as that.)

The last thing I want is to get into a fight. When that happens it usually means that someone gets bloody, the cops are called, and if it's a big enough deal the bar gets closed for the night. Just think how long I'd have a job if that happened once or twice a month.

It always seems to be the loud mouth, button up shirt, little goatee, prep or frat boys that ask that question all the time. They like to open their mouth in front of their boys or their girls and try to win the louder voice competition. Here's a clue, my voice can hit 128 decibels without trying. I know this because it's been measured by a sound level meter. (Sometimes you get bored after work.)

So after the loud mouth competition is over, they usually ask the question. "I think you just want to fight, huh?"

Usually at this point I just shake my head and walk inside. It's not because I'm scared of you. It's because I'm tired of hearing your whiny little voice trying to boost your ego and look good in front of the people your with. This is when 5 out of 6 of the loud mouths leave.

Then there's that one guy. This ones usually a little stockier and yet more stupid. He thinks you went inside to clear room for him. He thinks he scared me enough that I just shut up and walked inside. He's usually the one that gets embarrassed the most. I could handle him a couple different ways but my favorite is plain and simple.

"Hey man, your not coming in so don't wait in line. In fact, nobody is coming in until you leave."

After about 5 minutes and the rest of the line asking him to leave, he leaves. Oh, and I don't really care if you take your money somewhere else. There's a line of thirty people out here waiting to get in. Their money is just as good as yours.

Actually, their money is better because they're not being a pain in the ass.

I reserve the right....

There are times when I get distracted. I'll admit it. Whether it's a friendly female face talking to me or something's going on inside the bar I get distracted. Enough to the point that the next people in line might have to wait an extra five minutes.

This doesn't mean that when I open the door to check your IDs and let you in that you can elbow people who are walking by you. Especially when that person is my manager.

When it's Phil's night to work he's usually on the floor, behind the bar, or just relaxing. He usually walks outside once in a while to see how the line is and occasionally grabs a couple people and brings them in with him. This time as he was walking in Mr Dress Up decided that whoever was walking up behind him deserved a nice elbow in the gut.

In one solid movement Phil just looked at him, then me and said, "No."

Dress Up went to hand me his ID and I said I didn't need it. So he started to step towards the door.

"I don't need it because your not coming in."

"What!?"

"I said, I don't need your ID because your not coming in."

"Why the fuck not? You gonna tell me I've been standing here for twenty minutes and now I can't come in?"

"Pretty much. I'll take whoever's next in line."

The next guy hands me his ID and tells me it's just him and his two brothers. One of which is the guy that's not coming in.

"I'll let you in but he's not coming in."

Dress Up- "Man, this is bullshit, tell me why not."

"You've been opening the door and creeping people out and your elbowing people. Sad part is you haven't even been inside yet and your not going to be inside. Have a good night."

"I haven't elbowed anyone. Tell me the reason."

"I just saw you elbow the guy that just walked in. So did my manager and he told me no. I don't need a reason when my manager tells me no."

"Bullshit, tell me the real reason."

"I just gave it to you. Plus, I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone at anytime and you are that anyone and this is your time."

"This is bullshit, whats your name man?"

"Jim."

"Whats your last name?"

"Bob."

"How bout you give me your real name so I can report you?"

Phil, still standing in the doorway near me, says, "Hey buddy, you wanna report him? I'm the manager, you can report him. But he's doing his job so how bout you leave."

"Man, fuck you guys. I'm fuckin outta here, your gonna get a terrible reference from me."

Shit. Another bad reference. We might actually have to close our doors on that one.

Hip Hop, Hip Hip Hop - Please stop...

Working at the venue lets me see many different acts and allows me to see some great bands. Every night is usually a different genre of music but with each different style there are different styles of problems.

With the metal and hardcore scenes its usually mosh pits and drunks, sometimes pot smokers.

With hippy jam bands its usually people recording the music or video and lots of pot smokers.

With this emo sad bastard music its usually the women that are drunk and being noisy. (Those sad emo guys are too worried about shit to be a problem.) And of course, pot smokers.

Then you have the gangsta rappers. They get patted down at the front door for knives, guns, and anything else you could think of that could be used as a weapon. Same thing pretty much for the rappers and R & B nights too.

Out of all the nights we always have extra guys on for the hip hop and R&B nights. These nights are always a hassle.

The act always shows up at least an hour late, they get on stage and they'll play less time than they are slotted, and they always invite their homies up on stage to bust a rhyme or something.

For some reason these people who are paying way too much money to see such a short show always come back again too. Why?

You pay twenty to twenty-five bucks to see your favorite rapper perform for an hour and the guy shows up an hour late and performs for fifteen minutes. Does this really make sense?

If it does, I'll gladly invite you to my place for a party, gaurantee you all the booze you can drink, take your forty bucks and tell you the booze will be here in an hour and then give you one beer. Makes sense to me. Over charge you for a quarter of what you expected.

I tell you what, I'm into more of the metal scene and don't really like the new rap or r&b, but if a band I really liked pulled that shit on me I'd probly leave. You might think your the best as an act but there are a lot better acts no matter who you are. It doesn't matter if your Ozzy or your some little garage band from bum fuck Iowa. Your better than some but there are some better than you.

Then, on most of these nights the management of the band wants everything to be VIP. Close all the side rooms and the balcony and make them VIP, but leave the main stage area open for everyone.

Hmm, the main stage area where theres no chairs and tables. This way 250 out of the 300 people (who aren't VIP) can stand around for the next hour waiting for a show that is still driving to the venue. When they do this it sucks for everyone. The people can't sit and relax, the bartender in that area makes no money because theres only twenty or thirty VIPs and they're taking up space in a different VIP area, and the door staff is taking heat from everyone because you can't let them in to sit down or get a drink unless they're VIP.

So the act ended up going on an hour late because they wanted their fans to actually show up. Even though it was advertised to start at a certain time the fans didn't even show up till an hour later. To me that says something altogether. Granted, maybe they got a call and some big whig wasn't able to make it on time so they waited. But still, if some big whig can't make it on time then he doesn't really care anyway. He just wants to be a hassle so he gets in free.

At least I can say this. There were no guns, there were no fights, and there weren't many drunks. It was actually a really slow night but everyone was still on their toes for the unexpected. Last show like this we had we ended up having twelve cops run in to arrest three guys for picking a fight with one of our bartenders. Why? Because they thought he shorted them on their drink pour. Fuckin retarded.

Calling the cops on yourself is kinda stupid.

The weather has been great lately. It's been nice, cool and feeling like Halloween. My favorite holiday out of all of them. Yes, to me it is a holiday.

On nights like these I like to hang out by the door and enjoy the weather. You get to see the traffic, the people and occasionally something happens that could be funny or disturbing. On this night, the manager and I were both standing outside and noticed a group hanging out on the sidewalk talking, then they started walking towards us on the sidewalk and swinging around sign posts. As they got closer we could hear them talking.

"I can't believe they wouldn't let you back in that bar. Your not that drunk, I think that guy was just being a prick."

After hearing that Phil looked at me and told me not to let them in the bar. This is always a guaranteed way not to get into the bar your walking up to. Especially when I see you come from another bar that I know the guys there. Remember, I'm the doorman, I have the legal right to refuse you service or entry for any reason. This is one of the best reasons.

"Here ya go man."

"Sorry guys. You'll have to find another bar, there's a few others around here open late."

"What? We can't come in here? Why not?"

"We'll to start out, I heard you guys talking about how you weren't let back into the bar you were just at. Plus, my manager was out here and he heard you as well and said not to let you in."

"Bullshit man, I think your lying."

"That's nice. Have a good night guys, hope you find some fun somewhere else."

"No man, I wanna know why you won't let us in."

"I just told you. Have a good night."

After a few times back and forth the guy continues to stand there and then says, "I think you just want to fight man. Don't you? You just wanna hit me huh?"

"No, I don't get paid to fight. Have a good night."

Finally the girlfriend grabs the guy and starts to pull him away. "Come on, lets just take our money somewhere else. Fuck these guys, they don't deserve our money."

"Thank you. Have a great night."

She drags her guy away and I walk back inside. A few people came and went and about five minutes later the girl comes back and waves at me through the glass front door. So I walk over and see what she wants, expecting her to try and plead her way in.

"I thought I'd just let you know. We're calling the cops and telling them that theres underage drinking going on here."

"No prob, if you want to be a petty little bitch go for it. By the way, (insert big smile and hand waving goodbye here) kiss my ass."

I stood outside for a while after that to watch as the girls boyfriend jumps on his phone. Then after he hangs up they walk down the street and around the corner.

About five minutes later five police squad cars and a total of about ten or twelve cops are at my front door. So I walk outside to greet them. The sergeant walks up first and looks over to me. Then before he can say anything I simply say.

"Let me guess, you got a call about underage drinking."

"Why you say that?"

I then explain to him about the group and he asks for descriptions of the six people. Then he sends out four of the officers to look through the other bars for the people. Five cops go into my bar and look around.

"Actually, we got a call for a sixteen year old Hispanic inside the bar brandishing a firearm."

I gladly offer to walk through the other bars in the neighborhood with them to find the people but he says not to worry about it.

"Don't worry about it. We have their descriptions and they called 911 so we have their phone number. They'll be getting a visit sooner than they think."

Reverse the charges!!!

So let's see. I pull the chair out from under you, grab you before you hit the ground, walk you to the door, and push you out the door. Yet, you think that your going to come back in and get your whole tab reversed on your credit card?

I really don't think so. In fact, your pretty lucky that you had already closed your tab and already had your card when I threw you out. It's bad enough you pissed off the most laid back bartender in the place by rattling off spanish swear words at him and the party sitting by you at the bar. Then you stand outside rattling off even more at me and constantly try to come back in the bar drawing the attention of four other doormen from other locales that are there for a drink.

Think about it man, you were up against a combined weight of 1000 pounds of doormen that would be happy to stop you from coming back in. Then you have the brilliant idea of telling us to reverse the charges on your tab while including such colorful words and phrases as asshole, your mothers a bitch, cocksucker, and the ever popular piece of shit.

The fourth time you tried to come in I actually had to raise my voice at you and shove you out the door. Didn't the first three times mean anything or did you think everything was cool on the fourth time?

Honestly, the rattling off in spanish didn't bother me. I could pick out certain words and phrases but thats what got the attention of a couple of the other doormen.

"Man, he's calling your mother a bitch and a whore. I wouldn't put up with that shit, you want me to go out there and talk to him?"

"What? Man, your off and you got five minutes till last call. If you want to waste your time on him don't do it for me. Besides, you got a beer on the way and I'm not holding on to it for you."

Then you got another bright idea. Maybe if you stand outside and bang on the window screaming we'd feel better, let you in and reverse the charges on your tab.

With that you got the manager's attention again and the cops were flagged down.

Of course, being the big, strong, tough guy you are, you ran as soon as they pulled up.

I would like to thank you though. You've given me a good story to tell and you gave the cops a good laugh. You almost gave some guys a good reason to let out some steam and you have proven how fast you can move when the cops show up.

Seriously, did you really think that after drinking most of the night, being a total ass to Chucky and some patrons, and insulting some women, that you would get your money back?

I'm sure somewhere your thought of highly and respected. Maybe you should stay there.

A little this and a little that. (Rambling)

Through all the different paths that people take you still never know where you'll end up. Many years ago I was nothing more than just your normal factory worker. Now I'm nothing more than your normal doorguy.

No matter what you do your just like anyone else that does what you do. Granted everyone is different. You might be better in one way or the other but your still in the same spot as the next guy. One of the biggest differences in everyone is who you know and what kind of person you are.

It doesn't seem like much but those two things get you much farther than you'd expect. Of course a combination of both gets you even farther in certain aspects. I mean you might know the right people but if your a prick to others that might not get you what you want.

In an example, you might come in and chat with me while I'm standing at the door and I might think you seem like a pretty decent guy. But then at the end of the night, when I'm ushering people out the door and your grabbing a woman by her arm saying, "Come on, we gotta get out of here. Where do you live?"

"I live over that way, but I don't know why you think your going there?"

It's times like these when I just walk over and tell you to leave. Usually he tries to say he's waiting for her but I just keep staring at him and telling him to leave. If I have to I'll start walking you to that door. I don't really care how cool you were when we were talking earlier, now your just scum. Get the fuck out.

I don't look for thank yous. I don't look for a 'hook up' just because I got some guy away from you. The thank yous come naturally from most women but occasionally you get the ones that think they're the shit.

"Hun, if you want a cab or something, I'll walk you out to one if that guy was bothering you."

"What you want my number or something? You think we're going to hook up just because you work here?"

"Not at all. Have a good nite."

Now I'm sure lots of women get that kind of respect from a lot of people. After all, its the midwest, there's only two things to do here, drink and fuck, right? I've lived in a few different settings. Country, suburbia, and city. They're all different in their own ways, especially the women. Which is a subject I'm not going to go in depth about here.

Basically I remember those people that give me attitude or just annoy me with their actions or words. Next time I won't be that guy that saves you from some regret in the morning.

Then again, you should never regret anything you do. Something comes out of everything you do whether it's positive or negative. I've had a few of those occasions, one really big one, but now I know better. The trick is making the best out of it or changing everything so you can.

But the bartender is my friend....

Working the door gives you the ability to do favors for friends and employees. The employees know, just as I do, that unless you bring something to the table there aren't any real favors.

If you work somewhere that alot of employees eat at or drink at then you get favors if the favors are returned or even given out to begin with. Just because your friends doesn't mean you always get this favor.

Heres a few common sense 'no brainers'.

If your a girlfriend or boyfriend of an employee then obviously your welcome.

If you hook people up with free or discounted drinks or food on a some what normal basis at another bar or resteraunt. (This doesn't apply to offers. Everyone makes offers, it has to be somewhere employees actually go.)

If you bring something to the table on a normal basis then your good.

This doesn't apply to everything though. Granted if it's a private party your probly not going to get in. This doesn't really apply to the boyfriend or girlfriend though. If your in that situation than your pretty much gold. Then again, if your just a mistress or some person that an employees been screwing around with your not gold.

When your the friend of a friend don't expect any favors. Especially when the cover is really small. And don't just say hi and walk in to make me walk in after you. Your not high and mighty. I could give a shit less if you get bent out of shape because I walked through the club and made you pay the three dollar or five dollar cover in front of your friends. I make people look like asses for a reason. To knock you off your imaginary pedastal. The sad part is when you ask your friends to pay the cover for you because you have no money. That just means your wasting space inside the club becasue your ass is going to be drinking water or trying to get free drinks all night and annoying the bartenders because your not tipping or asking for too many favors.

"Well, I used to get in free all the time."

Times change, just like your clothes. Just because you got in free once or twice doesn't mean you will forever. Maybe your not as important as you were or maybe that person that was getting you in is tired of you. Maybe you didn't return any favors. Who really knows or cares.

Heres a big piece of advice. When your asked to pay the cover don't roll your eyes, smile and walk in. Your asked for a reason not for a joke. Annoy the doormen and you'll be paying to get in even if a favor is asked to let you in.