Friday, June 27, 2008

D.I.C.K. I: Fake Spotting...

I know this topic has been gone over and over by a lot of different people. There have been posts on the subject in a lot of forums on a lot of different sites. I'll tell you now. Every experienced door person has their own way of checking i.d.'s.

Some people like to ask questions.
  • "When's your birthday?"
  • "What's your sign?"
  • "What street do you live on?"

I don't ask questions. I don't because all that information can be learned and remembered. I look hard at the i.d. and the person. I remember a little bit from biology class and apply that (which is limited) to what I look for. Eye placement, ear placement, chin, weight gain, weight loss, hair color, eye color, and so on. Yes, I will ask you to take out your contacts if your eye color is different and I don't think it's you.

I also rely on my 6th sense of just feeling a person out as they talk and their mannerisms. The way they hold themselves, if they're looking away from me, if they can't shut up, how nervous they're acting, and so on.

There is a basic procedure for checking i.d.'s. It's what every door person will learn on their first night. Beyond this procedure is what I've learned through my experiences.

This is the basic procedure:
  • Ask patron to see their i.d.
    • If they refuse, then refuse them entry.
  • I.D. must be taken out of the holder and placed in your hand.
    • If they refuse, then refuse them entry.
  • Check condition of the i.d.
    • If any of the holograms listed below are on the i.d. it is fake. Keep it.
  • Check expiration date
    • If the i.d. is expired, then it is not a valid form of i.d. No Entry.
  • Check birth date
  • Check photo and compare it to the presenter
    • Check eye color
      • If eye color is different and you are suspicious, ask if they wear contacts. If yes then ask them to remove one.
    • Check hair color
      • Hair color changes constantly. Nothing to do here really.
    • Check height
      • If the i.d. says they are 6'2" and they are noticeably shorter then there is reason to be cautious.
    • Check weight
      • Weight does change in time but if the person weighs noticeably more or less there is reason to be cautious.
    • Check sex
      • Laugh now but this has happened before. I caught a guy with his twin sisters i.d.
  • Compare the location of eyes, ears, chin to presenter and photo
  • If all of these are satisfactory allow them entry.
These are the basics to checking an i.d. If these all pass without doubt then your good. The following pertains to the actual i.d.'s and typical fakes that have been caught.


First off, let's go through the list of terms or symbols that you will never see on an i.d. that is supposed to be issued by a state within the United States. These terms and symbols are usually in a form of a hologram on the i.d. somewhere. Most commonly they are diagonally or straight across the entire face of the i.d.

These terms are:
  • Authentic
  • Genuine
  • Secure
  • Valid
  • Seal of Authenticity
Since it's easier to show you the symbols that are commonly used for fake i.d.'s I'll direct you to a site where you can see them.

Disclaimer: I will not say that this company is willingly or knowingly selling these products to counterfeiters. In fact, the company is designed to create i.d.'s for companies to use as part of their security efforts. It just turns out that a lot of kids that make fake i.d.'s use products that are similar to theirs. By directing you to this website I do not make any claims that this company is helping to make i.d.'s for underage people or that their specific products are being used in any of these processes.

You can view these holograms at this web address: http://www.securityhologram.com/

Some very common symbols are:
  • Skeleton Keys
  • Globe
  • An Eagle's Head
  • A badge or shield
So right off the top, if anyone presents a State i.d. or Driver's License with these holograms on them, it's mine. It does not go back to the person presenting it. It is 100% fake and this person is underage, hiding out from Johnny Law or an illegal immigrant. I don't care.


Another thing to look for is the thickness of the i.d. If the i.d. is really thick then there's good reason to look at it harder. Just take the i.d. in both hands and try to twist and bend it. A lot of times the i.d. will start to separate between the layers of pressed paper. It might reveal a real i.d. below or it might just reveal that it's pressed paper. Also, watch the expressions on the person's face as you do this. They might try to object to you bending and twisting their i.d. If the i.d. is real there's no need to worry because it won't split.


Check the edges. Sometimes fakes are nothing more than a scanned i.d. that has been rendered, printed as a sticker, placed over the i.d. and then the excess trimmed off the sides. Usually you can feel the edge and can start to peel it off with your fingernail. When the presenter sees you doing this they'll usually object to it. Personally, I keep doing it until I'm satisfied.


These are a lot of the ways to spot fakes. Each time is usually a different incident and there's always different outcomes. Sometimes the people just walk away, sometimes they argue and at times they even try to buy it back. Each i.d. is a different story and I hope to bring these stories more to life for you in the coming posts.

If I can, I'll try to show you the differences between real i.d.'s and the fake ones, side by side if possible.

Until then.

-Be Safe.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Industry Standards...

First off, there is no such thing as an overall industry standard when it comes to the operations of a bar or club. There is no such thing as the elusive "Industry Courtesy".

With that out of the way, let me explain something that shouldn't be needed to be said.

You work at a bar or club and you decide to go out. You walk up past the line of people waiting and ask the doorman if the club does "Industry Courtesy". If you have to ask, the answer is more than likely, No. Obviously you don't know the doorstaff and they don't know you.

You order drinks from a waitress or bartender. After hearing how much your drinks are you ask if there is an "Industry Courtesy" price because you work in the industry. No, there isn't and if you don't tip your a tight ass broke piece of crap. Maybe you should work in a different industry.

There are so many people that work in this industry that think they should get preferential treatment. They get the job just so they can say they work somewhere and feel important. It's actually pretty dismal when people brag about where they work and then don't tip or treat the people working like crap because they've never heard of you or the place you work at. Get over it. Your a nobody just like everyone else, even me.

On the rare occasion that I do go out, I don't ask for anything. I figure there's no reason to. If someone recognizes me and decides to hook me up then I'll take care of them. Taking care of them entails tipping them and treating them like a normal person.

So here comes the fun part. I work industry so I know people survive on tips. If they discount my drink then it doesn't mean I tip less.

Let's say I order a $7 drink. I should normally tip about $2 on a $7 drink. The bartender recognizes me and gives me the drink for $3. Well, I'm already expecting to pay $7 so they just made a $4 tip. Seem outlandish? The outlandish thing to me is how some people think they deserve that $4 price cut without having to tip anything. Hey asshole, remember that when the bartender comes to your bar and he doesn't tip you well either.

You give and it returns. When you tip accordingly, whether you get hooked up or not, it will come back to you. Some day that bartender might show up at your bar. You hook them up and they'll hook you up. Maybe you need that extra cash that night, maybe you don't. Just remember them.

Getting to know other establishments is always a good thing. Depending on what position you hold will depend on the amount of good things. When your the doorman you get recognized almost immediately when you go to places. Especially if the employees from that place come to yours. Get in good with the doorstaff and things happen much faster. Sometimes the doorstaff will ask the bartenders to comp out a few drinks and that opens the lines of communication for the bartender.

Basically, when you ask for an "Industry Courtesy" your admitting to being a douche. You probably just got your job or your oblivious to how annoying that question is. Just because you work in the industry doesn't mean your any more special then the guy who works in a bicycle shop. Use a little tact, act human and talk to people. In most cases it works out better for everyone.

R.I.P. George Carlin

George Carlin died last night due to heart failure.

He'll be missed by a lot of people he didn't know and he probably doesn't care.

A lot of people thought he was cynical, I thought he was being real.


Friday, June 20, 2008

Fake I.D. VI: Bringing it home...

Throughout my time I've collected a lot of fake i.d.'s. I've recently decided to actually put them out here for more people to see. I know there's a lot of people that like the stories that I put up but now comes a little more detail.

In the coming weeks I'm going to actually post some of these fakes that I've taken away from people. I had a friend of mine go through and distort the i.d.'s so faces won't be recognized and names and vital information is either changed or removed. No need in leaving that on there for it to come back on me.

I tried to come up with an interesting title to use for these posts. I bounced the idea around with a friend of mine and we came up with a decent idea although the title is rather long. So they'll be titled D.I.C.K.. Which is short for Devious Identification and Contraband Knowledge. Seems rather justified since most people think I'm a dick when I take away their fakes anyways.

I'll go through each i.d. and list off the reasons as to why it's fake. If I remember what actually happened that night I'll add that on to the entry as well.

For now I'm only going to post one fake i.d. per week. I'll even post it earlier in the day so any door personnel that are reading this can see it before they head off to work. Hopefully it'll stick in some minds for the busy nights ahead.

I'll put up my evidence so you can read through it and decide. As to how I do that is still to be seen. Let's just say it's my way of helping out the doorstaff that actually likes doing their jobs. I believe the posts will be popping up on future Friday afternoons.

As with anything else you might read in a blog remember this. My entries are based on my experiences. Take it as a grain of salt or take it as gospel, just don't quote me unless you come to me first.

Along with these entries I'm going to be putting a new section up in the Links area on the side. It will include links to sites that carry equipment that is useful for the job. If you do this type of work and have links feel free to send them to me through email or post it in a comment. Just don't spam the comments, that shit is annoying. If it becomes an issue I'll have to turn off the comment feature.

So that's a brief introduction on a few of the upcoming events. Let's hope it all works out the way I hope.

-Be Safe.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Damn Young'ens...

When I say young'en I mean someone at least 7 years or more younger than myself. An age bracket that I know not to mess with because it's a totally different age. It's the age of drinking and partying and just going out every night. I'm past that stage in my life. I'm out almost every night of the week as it is and I'm babysitting all these kids.

Of course sometimes I get wrapped up in certain ones. I'll admit it, I'm human and worse yet, I'm male. When a little woman comes up to me at work and talks I rarely listen. Unless that talking is being turned into a different direction.

The bad part is, I'm a sucker. When talk gets turned towards the bedroom I rarely even listen. The times I do is when it's early in the night or the person is sober. I tend to ignore when the woman is drunk in any way.

I'm also pretty straight forward about situations. If it's something that might go somewhere I just let things fall and see where they land. If it's something I don't see becoming anything other than a hook up then I make it clear. I've even told girls, "I don't want you to think this is going to became a relationship. I don't want that now." Which basically means with that person. Sex is sex, not much more. I don't want them to get false hopes of a boyfriend.

So the part that annoys me is the ones that are ok with just being "buddies" and then a few weeks later they want more. I guess it's just typical that after a short term of such intimate exposure someone would want more.

That brings on other things. Text messages in the middle of the night. Phone calls in the middle of the day. Occasional appearances at my work. It gets annoying.

For instance. I met this girl. She's all of 23 or 24 years old. She expressed interest in me, we talked and one thing led to another. We hooked up a couple of times and I expressed to her that I didn't want a girlfriend but if she just wanted to hook up that'd be fine with me. No relationship, no ties, just plain old sex upon contact. She's too young mentally for me to take seriously. She also drinks on a daily basis and is a big pot head.

One night at work she showed up. I was standing at the door and she walked in. "Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure, what you need?"

"Well, I wanted to talk about us."

"Us? What about us?"

"Well, I'd like there to be more... us."

"So you want to get together more?"

"Well.. I was thinking we could go to dinner and maybe go to a movie or something."

"Why would we do that?"

"Well... that's what couples do."

"Haha... ok, listen.. We're not a couple. Remember I told you I didn't want anything more than a hook up? I'm not interested in a girlfriend or anything like that."

"Yea... I know.. I was just thinking that things might have changed... I mean, I started to like you a lot and I thought we could do some things..."

"Well... no. We can't. I don't have any of those feelings. We all done now? I'm kinda at work and don't need to be distracted with this."

She ended up leaving after that. I don't blame her, I did the asshole thing and basically told her I didn't want anything to do with her. Just like I did when we first got together. Strange thing how some guys say things and mean what they actually say. Too many women go with it in hopes that they'll change our minds down the road.

A couple nights later the text messages start.

Working tonight?

Yes.

I might stop by to see you.

Ok.

Maybe we can talk?

I'm at work. Not a place to talk.

It's ok. I just want to hang out, not have sex.

I have nothing to talk about.

Of course she didn't show up. I turned off the channel of communication because I literally had nothing to talk about. I'm not going to say we can talk and give her hopes that we will. I'm also not going to give her the hopes and then try to just get laid. I'm not that type.

Plain and simple it's the easiest way to be. Ladies, if a guy tells you he just wants to hook up occasionally then believe, that all he wants, is to hook up occasionally. He's not secretly hoping that it could turn into a marriage or even a relationship. Remember this, even if it lasts for 6 months or more. He likes what's going on and how it's going on. If you have a change of heart tell him.


I've only known of a few rare instances where it actually worked out differently.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Gentrified....

Every once in a long while a club will change it's appearance or the types of events it has. Usually this is done due to a change of ownership or in hopes of making more money doing something different. Rarely the club changes due to problems with the clientele. This change shouldn't happen if the right type of security is there to enforce the club's rules. Unless the security personnel's hands are tied.

There was a club in a nearby neighborhood that made a drastic change a while back. They used to have a lot of hip hop, reggae, and house music nights. They also had live music that ranged from country to heavy metal. They tried to bring in a mix of all the different styles to keep a mix of customers. They worked like this for many years.

The hip hop nights became very popular. They started drawing in a lot of people. This particular form of music sooner or later brings in a particular type of people. People who like to wear baggy clothing, hats turned to a side, and certain pant legs pulled up to their knees. All of these are characteristics of gang bangers or wanna be gang bangers. Once enough of these characters show up there's usually different members from different gangs showing up, which is never good.

At some point after the different gangs showing up it's only a matter of time before more drastic measures start to happen. Someone's looking at someone else's girlfriend, someone bumped into someone, or someone is just wearing the wrong colors. Then the fighting, knives and guns start to be shown and all the idiots involved ruin it for everyone else.

That's exactly what happened to this club. They did too many hip hop events and the idiots started showing up there. The idiots started bringing their guns and knives. The guns and knives started to get used. The club closed down for remodeling.

Now some people might say that it's the clubs fault for this to have gotten that bad. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've said it a few times myself. The club should have gotten metal detectors or i.d. scanners. That might have scared off some of the problems. Instead, the club closed down and remodeled the entire place. They even went so far as to stop all live music.

Now I don't know if the problems were the entire reason behind the remodeling. I don't have the inside track but to me they're just as good as anything else. In fact, other people had the same idea.

As I stood outside of my doorway a skinny black guy with his pants hanging below his ass walked up to me. He didn't look familiar at all. With the club I mentioned above closing we've started to get a lot of newer faces in the area. No doubt they're looking for another club in the area that is hip hop friendly. When he walked up I asked for his i.d. and he presented it.

"Yo man, you got beats in here?"

"Do we have what?"

"Beats man, you know, hip hop an shit."

"No," which was a partial lie, we do have some hip hop on the juke box.

"No? Shit... hey man, you hear bout Sound Club?"

"I heard they remodeled."

"Yea, that some bullshit man. Justa keep us out. Wha you think bout that?"

"I think it's great."

"Wha!? It some fuckin bullshit man..."

"No, the bullshit is the idiot gang bangers and their guns. You think I want that kind of shit in here?"

"Wha eva man.. they jus tryin gentrification us."

At this point I was confused. Why wouldn't the bar try to better themselves? "Seriously man?"

"Fuck yea.. just tryin to keep tha niggas down is all. Can I go in here or what?"

"Yea... just pull your pants up. We have a dress code."

With that the guy stared at me, waved his hand at me and walked off. I couldn't help but laugh a little bit. Here he was trying to seem like he was smart. Makes me wonder if he heard someone else use that word earlier and people agreed with that person. He used it so it must be the right word to use...

Gentrification is basically when you take something bad and turn it into something better. So here he was admitting to being something bad and not wanting to become better.



What a great state of mind.

Monday, June 09, 2008

The Incoherent Mind...

I don't understand a lot of people. I guess that's just how I work. I see things, a lot of things. It's what I do. I watch and talk to a lot of people. I see the things they do and I notice a lot about people. I paste the events together and I get to see a lot of the darker side of them. I see a lot of the bad and not a lot of the good. I also see a few people in the opposite way and even fewer in both.

A friend of mine just went through a rough time. She had to kick her boyfriend out of their apartment. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later and I'm glad it did. He was a slacker and very much still a 12 year old.

He would come into the establishment on some of her nights. He would complain if she didn't pay enough attention to him. He would follow her from table to table as she waitressed and hang on her. He even dry humped her as she was trying to take orders on occasion. I tried to talk to her about it but she was overcome by the attention and was actually happy about it.

As time went on he got worse. His drinking got heavier and he became even more childish with every drink. Next thing you know he's taking his shirt off and acting like a monkey.

One night I pulled him out and around the side of the establishment. I had flashbacks of my father as I had one hand on his shoulder and my right index finger about a half an inch away from his eyeball.

"Listen to me. Quit fucking up in here."

"What? I'm just having a good time, people are laughing."

"I don't give a fuck who's laughing and who's trying to have a good time. I'm telling you to straighten the fuck up."

"Mike... listen man, we're just having a good time.."

At this point I squeezed his shoulder and dug my thumb in to hit the pressure point right in the area of where his shoulder meets his neck.

"Good time? At who's expense??" He started to talk and I squeezed that pressure point more and his knees started to buckle. "Listen to me now. Shut your fuckin mouth and listen. You take your shirt off one more time, you follow her around all night, or even think about dry humping her in front of customers and your ass will be out here faster than you've ever imagined it could be. You've only been allowed to slide this far because of her. Your sliding days are over. I don't give a shit who you are anymore. Now your just another piece of shit."

"But she likes the attention... she said it makes her feel better when I'm here..."

"You really fuckin believe that by degrading her it's a good thing? Are you fuckin stupid? I don't care what she says. Do that shit at home, don't ever do it here again. I'll lay your ass down on this sidewalk."

A month or two later I found out that he wasn't paying his bills or his part of the rent. I didn't hear it from Maria, I heard it from other staff members. I guess after I treated her boyfriend like a 6 year old she didn't want to talk to me about him anymore. She was afraid I might have another talk with him on a more serious matter, so I waited.

A couple more months went by and I heard about it again. He still wasn't paying his bills or his half of the rent. He works in the industry as well and he works at a fairly busy place. I kept wondering why he couldn't pay his share. It started to bother me even more when I kept hearing Maria say she couldn't do certain things because she was juggling bills. I've known Maria for a few years now and she never once had a problem with bills and such. I could also tell when she was upset.

One night her boyfriend came walking up with a few co-workers. He was all smiles as they walked up. I said hello to most of the co-workers and then it was his turn to walk in. He put his hand out for me to shake. I took a good look at him and said, "You need to make sure you scrub your face after work." Either he didn't hear me or he didn't care, under his nose was a white powdery substance.

That's when a lot more things started to come to light. I always figured he was either hyper active or a coke head but now I knew for sure. The little bastard wasn't paying his bills because he was snorting it all away.

As time went on he'd be quiet and every once in a while I'd have to set him off to the side. Information on what was going on was becoming more scarce as Maria quit talking to certain people. As information became less available I had to start interpreting things.

Maria started to become more lax at work. She was never a drinker or a drug user the whole time I've known her. Now all of a sudden she was drinking more and she was even smoking weed. It started to draw even more attention to her. I tried to talk to her about it and her answer usually entailed trying to fit in with her boyfriend and his friends. This just blew my mind. I can fully understand doing new things to fit in with your significant other. I can't understand drinking or doing drugs to fit in. To me that's just a sign of a weakness.

Finally a night came when there was a foul smell in the air. With the smoking ban it's very easy to smell cigarettes or any other funky smelling fumes. Low and behold, in the back of the establishment at one of the tables, the boy had a one hitter and was smoking weed. He was automatically ejected from the establishment. When I asked why I was told that Maria asked Casper not to tell me why. I told Casper to tell me because I'd find out anyways.

The next night he came by and I pulled him to the side again. He tried to apologize and I interrupted.

"Shut up. I don't ever want to hear the words I'm sorry come out of your mouth again. You wouldn't be doing this shit if you were. Don't you understand that when you fuck up in here, you don't just make you look bad, you make Maria look bad too?"

"But.. what?"

"Your her fuckin boyfriend. Your the one she chooses to be with and you make her look like a fuckin idiot for being with you. Your actions make people think less of her."

"No.. listen man, I was really fucked up that night..."

"Is that your fuckin excuse for not paying your bills? Is it your excuse for walking up here with coke all over your face? For taking your clothes off? For being a fuckin dirtbag? You know you can't be smoking weed in here. You know you can't be fuckin around. This is the last time I'm talking to you about any of this."

"Ok, ok... can I go inside?"

He went inside and ten minutes later he and Maria are outside arguing for a few minutes and he left. Maria didn't talk to me for a few days after that. Paulie and I had several talks about him and about how the next time would be the last time we'd put up with his bullshit. Boyfriend or not some one has to draw a line and since this is a work place we were ready to do that.

A few weeks later another incident occurred. This time it involved a regular punching the boy. Seems he was trying to push the regulars buttons and pushed it well enough that the regular pushed back, with his fist. The boy was removed and told not to come back.

Maria seemed much happier at work after that. She even started smiling and laughing more than she had been in the past month or two. Next thing you know, she's telling me about how she's kicking the boy out of the apartment and that they're broken up. I told her that it was the right thing to do and if she needed any help dealing with him to let me know.

She told me about the money he owed her. I told her to keep certain things of his until he paid up or to just keep enough of his things to kind of settle the debt. Conveniently he doesn't own anything of value.

Hopefully he starts paying back some of this money he owes her. Then again, I wouldn't mind having another talk with him. Maybe drive a few more points home and instill them into his head.

Friday, June 06, 2008

You want my job?...

A lot of people have said that they'd love to have my job. They walk up and see all the people greeting me and being cordial. They see the numerous ladies that give me a hug or a kiss and a few of the men that come in that shake my hand or say hello. They see all the good things that happen and the occasional incident inside the establishment.

Once they get inside they don't see the people outside that get in my face because I won't let their underage girlfriend in. They don't see the drunk that runs up and tackles me (or tries to). They don't see the group of people that try to rush past me. Or the people that call me a racist because I won't let them in due to their oversized clothing that goes against the dress code.

They also don't realize that, in order to make things meet, I work this job 5 or more days a week.

I deal with so many stupid situations that if I wrote about everyone of them you'd think I was repeating them and just changing the names of the people involved. I'm not, it's just that repetitive. Which confirms the notion that there are a lot of stupid people in the world.

I work this job so many days a week for a couple reasons.
  • I'm not the type of person to have multiple jobs. I was brought up to believe that if you can't survive on one job, then it's time to find another job. Sure, the concept is a little flawed in this day and age but it's worked so far for me. By keeping with this idea I've become very good at this job. Experience and time are what helps you the most.

  • After I reached the Head Doorman spot there wasn't any other way to work. People under you can't work more days than you. You have to be there to know what's going on.
So now I wonder if these same people would still want my job. If they knew that I was at the establishment 6 or more hours a day, 5 or more days a week. All this on an hourly pay without benefits. That's right. No health insurance, no dental insurance, no 401k, and no vacation pay. Just straight hourly pay and time and a half if I actually get over 40 hours a week. Which rarely happens.

So why do I do this job? That's one of the best questions. Some would think that it's because of the perks. Discounts on many different things, auto work, food, drinks, and just about anything else. I'm nice to certain people and if they appreciate that they return the favor when they can. When you need over $1,000 worth of car work done and the guy only charges you $300 you remember that and help him. This might mean letting him skip the line or getting him a discount on his drinks for the night. But if I had a higher paying job would I need the discounts?

Maybe it's the notoriety? Sure, if you like the idea that there are a lot of pissed off people out there that you could run into. No matter how big of a city you live in, people remember your face when you throw them out of somewhere. Notoriety also has the opposite effect. A lot of people remember you and try to be super nice to you when your at their establishment. Hoping that you'll remember them when they come to yours. Which usually gives off that creepy, sticky, false sense of nice.

Maybe it's just as simple as this. I don't feel the need to work 2 jobs. I don't want to work 12 or 16 hour days. Maybe with age came lethargy.

That's the best I can tell you. If it made any sense. If I ever come up with a better answer I'll let you know. Until then, just know that I'm still here and there's more to come.

-Be Safe

Monday, June 02, 2008

Job Offers...

Every once in a while I get a few different job offers. Surprisingly they're usually from bands that I know or ones that are on the road. Usually they're just looking for someone to do all the heavy lifting but a lot of them want me to go with them as their personal security. I've entertained the idea and I've even talked to a couple of the bands about it. The deal breaker has always been the money.

When it comes down to traveling and going out on tour there's not much you really need to pay for besides fuel. Usually bands get food and drink at the venues that they play at. So you just need money for the days that they're not playing and any type of things you might want to do while in any certain locale. Then again, someone has to pay your normal bills such as rent, etc.

So when a band offers to take me on the road I put out the offer of how much money I need in order to do it. Money is always a very important factor and if the band isn't willing to sign a contract then the deal is off from the beginning. I have to watch my ass from the beginning because I'm going to be watching your ass the whole time we're on the road. Why? Because your paying me to be your babysitter.

They're also paying me to...
  • Keep them out of trouble.
  • Collect payments from shady club owners.
  • Lift heavy stuff as needed.
  • Drive if needed.
  • Sell merch if needed.
  • Handle money.
  • Make sure no bad ideas are made while intoxicated.
So yea, I'm gonna ask for more money than what I make now. Why not? I'm going to be cooped up in that same van or bus as you are. I'm going to be awake and securing the venue before you are. I'm basically going to be doing a lot more than just getting on stage and performing. Not too mention the number of illegal things that your going to want me to do for you as well.

So don't come to me and ask me to go on the road with you as your personal "bodyguard" unless your ready to shell out the money. The less money you put out the less your going to get out of me.

And if the contract says that I don't touch merch, don't drive or that I don't lift heavy things. I'll gladly tell you that when we're 3,000 miles from home and you have to pay for my flight back.

If I have a contract, I have the power to enforce it by a legal means. That doesn't necessarily mean that I have a lot of money but it means that things can get done.

I guess this is just a little reminder for the bands that think they're ready for the full staff experience. Full staff means more money out of your pocket. Don't think the label is going to pay for all the little things you want. The label will get it back in some way.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Fake ID V: They're Crafty...

I get a lot of fake i.d.'s. Some of them are really good quality, some of them aren't. But no matter what they're always missing something. Whether it's UV ink, a hologram or a signature, they're missing something.

For instance. I've received a lot of fakes from Kentucky lately. They're missing the UV ink and they're usually pressed paper. Pressed paper is just that, it's two pieces of heavier stock paper pressed together to make it feel like a real i.d. It can be pulled apart after a little wear and tear. It's a dead give away.

A lot of these kids put their real name and information on these fakes. I've even taken away i.d.'s from kids that put their real address on them. It's a no brainer when you look at a Kentucky i.d. and they have a Michigan address. People are that stupid.

It's rare anymore that people argue about getting it back. I guess after a few years the reputation of the doormen proceeds them. Word gets around that a certain place won't give back the i.d.'s so people quit trying to go there. Which can be good and it can be bad.

I would say that any popular club has a few underage kids in it. Some doormen don't card people if they're with certain patrons. Some will let you in if you have that certain look. Others will let you in if the picture looks enough like you and the age is good. Which is why so many kids still get fake i.d.'s.

I've even taken an i.d. away from a girl that walked up with a doorman from another bar. He said she was good but I carded her because I didn't know her. Turns out she had a fake and was in his bar all night. The picture looked like her, the age was right but there was no UV ink on the license. I asked for a second proof and, even though she had plenty of cards in her wallet, she didn't have anything with her name on it. So I kept it. The doorman from the other bar apologized and said that they don't use UV lights on i.d.'s so he didn't know. Understandable.

In a situation like that, now he has to wonder about her friends. Are they legit? Do they all have fakes? He said her friends all had the same kind of i.d.'s. I suggested he get a UV light. He said he'd have to talk to the manager about it. So he's not too worried about it. He more than likely knew she was underage.

This has happened a few times. Regulars walking up with friends thinking they'll get everyone in without having to show i.d.'s. That only works for you, not your whole clan. If I don't know them, they better have i.d.'s.

I take the job more serious than others. If you don't want me to, then pay me even more money. I can forget a lot of things when the moneys right. Things can be cleared up that way too.

But until the day comes when I'm paid to let in the "right" people I'm still the same old me. The asshole.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Contemplations....

At a certain point any job gets to be painful. You wonder how much longer you can do it. You think about what else you could be doing. You just plainly get tired of doing the same thing over and over. How many times do you have to tell the same people the same things. This job is like that.

The only way to really keep the job fresh is to either change jobs or change venues. It does tend to prove difficult when your the head man. The pay is good and there aren't many venues that will match your pay. After all, you become the new guy all over again. No venue wants to pay the new guy close to what the head man makes.

So every night becomes a repetitive cycle. You go through the checklist before leaving for work. Vest. check. Flashlight. check. Phone. check. Keys. check. Tazer... I wish.

Then you get to work. You do a quick walk through and take inventory of the people already there. Get a good visual and check any suspicious people for i.d.'s or anything else.

Then the night begins. Standing at post and reminding the same people through out the night to step down the sidewalk to enjoy their cigarettes. That they can't take their drinks outside. To keep the noise down because our neighbors are trying to sleep.

Then refusing entrance to inebriated people that walk up. Explaining that they were stumbling around or just too drunk to come in. Expecting a fight or argument with every refusal.

On some nights I'm the angry father figure. I have to remind kids that banging beer bottles on top of each other is something they can do at home and not here. Telling them to keep the noise down and to quit annoying me.

Most nights I get an offering or two. Either monetarily or physical. Money I will accept. Why? Because no matter how much you give me, I'll still throw you out within minutes if you need to be. Physical offerings normally go in one ear and out the other. Your wasted and I'm sober, it's just not a good idea on my part.

Then comes the end of the night. The lights are on, the music is off and I'm yelling for you to leave. Your looking at me like I'm being rude for interrupting your conversation. I'm looking at you like an asshole because your not leaving yet. Believe it or not, I want to leave because I have to be here the following night and do it all over again. Soberly.

Finally get all the people out and all the duties are done. The waitresses are put into cabs or cars and everything is done for the night. Then the walk to my car through the alley and down the streets. Morning is here and it's time for bed.

I like to think that tomorrow is a different day. In reality it's about the same as all the rest. It changes occasionally but not enough. It's usually the same people at the same times. Which isn't always bad. It's good to see familiar faces but those faces are usually wasted every time they're seen.

I've been wondering a lot lately. What it would be like to have that office job again. It'd probably be just as boring after a time. I've always had that travel bug but it's never bitten hard enough.

Change would be nice. Either in job terms or positions.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Confidant Reversal...

One of the many things that I don't like to see is people changing for the worse. I see a lot of things happen from my view point. I see good people go bad and bad people get even worse. It's a land of misconceptions and aphrodisiacs.

I've seen the complacent stoner guy turn into the easily agitated coke head. I've seen the pretty girl turn into the drunk whore. I've seen the typical girl from down the street turn into the hooker on the corner turning tricks to pay rent. Seeing all this doesn't bother me at all until it's someone I know. Then I get upset.

All these people have their reasons for becoming what they become. Usually it's due to financial issues or they need a higher high, selfish reasons mostly. They think they need something that has never been a necessity before.

When a friend of mine changes in the matter of a couple months it's something I feel I need to bring to their attention. I'm not the most gentle person when it comes to this so it usually ends up badly. They start going off about how I'm jealous they're having more fun, or that I'm just not happy because they're happy. Which usually comes to a rebuttal of "No, your fucking yourself up and I don't want to see it anymore."

It's at that point that they make the decision for me as to what I do. If they listen and understand and want help, then I'll help them. If they're too far in and tell me to go to hell, then I forget about them. After a person is far enough into their dreamland there's not much you can do. Unless you want to kidnap them and lock them away in some house in the middle of nowhere. Which isn't worth my time.

But when I see someone change everything about themselves just to fit in with their significant other it just baffles me. When this person decides to start drinking and start doing drugs just so they can fit in with their mate I wonder what's really wrong. I'm sure there's some deep rooted abandonment issues from their childhood that is making them think wrong. At least I hope it's something like that instead of something else.

My super size imagination sometimes gets the better of me. Stories I've heard of how prostitutes are made tend to mix in with this situation. How pimps secretly get girls hooked on drugs, take away their identification and then move them to a place where the girls don't know anyone. I've heard of girls that have gone to guys houses and things get slipped into their drinks. Then they go back to see that guy because they associate him with that feeling. Then the addiction sets in.

Of course this is a lot of my imagination running free. I highly doubt any of this pertains to my friend. I'll find out soon. The time for the talk is close to hand and I'm not looking forward to it. Funny how I can tell a complete stranger that they smell too bad to enter or they're too wasted to get in. Yet, when it comes to talking to a friend, it's a complete different story.

Be safe.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Humor needed..

I've been pretty bored recently and decided that a little humor was needed to lighten up my mood.

So I headed over to LoLcats. I've always been an animal person and some of these captions are pretty good. I decided to post a few of them up here.

Enjoy.

see more crazy cat pics


Humorous Pictures
see more crazy cat pics


Humorous Pictures
see more crazy cat pics

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Training keeps a rolling...

With the pending outcome of On The Outs I decided to bring on a new front doorman. He's a rather big looking guy with a bit of a punk look to him. He'll fit in well with a lot of the clientele.

Since there hasn't been any word I decided to take the action to fill my position if needed. If not needed then people can be moved around or let go. I know, it's a very dick headed move but in life you have to do this once in a while to make your point.

Training has gone pretty well so far. His only failing points are that he's a little too compassionate and he continuously uses the words "Please" and "Sorry". Not that those words are to be never used but they have a time and place. In this position there are very few times and places for them to be used. In fact, I think I can count on one hand the amount of times I've used the word "Sorry".

One night, during training, I let Marcus run the door as I stood off to the side and watched. As I stood there I noticed a man walk up that I had had a few problems with on a different night. This guy thinks his shit doesn't stink. As he walked closer I stepped closer to the door. It was a perfect opportunity to show the new blood how to get the respect we deserve.

As the man walked up Marcus asked for his i.d. The man pulled the door to the establishment open and propped it open with his foot and then handed his i.d. to Marcus. Marcus then asked him to close the door as he looked at the i.d. The man just stood there.

"Hey man, I need you to close the door please."

In one move the man reached for his i.d., stepped into the establishment and said, "Yea, ok."

Marcus pulled the i.d. back and said, "No man, seriously. I need you to step out and close the door."

"Fuck off, what's this about?"

I then stepped in and grabbed him by the arm and pulled him out of the doorway. The man was startled and turned towards me, "The fuck's your problem?"

"You."

"Well, that's too bad huh?" Then, either he realized who he was talking to or he realized that there were two of us. And before he could utter another word I told him to take off. I grabbed his i.d. from Marcus and gave it a toss onto the sidewalk. "The fuck man!?"

"When you remember how to be polite to people feel free to come back. I'm done dealing with you." He just stood there staring at both of us. "And remember him too. He'll treat you the same way you treat him."

I took a couple steps back to give him the comfort zone to pick up his i.d. This way I was far enough away so he couldn't grab my leg and he felt comfortable enough to know that I wouldn't kick him while he was bent over.

The girl that he came with tried to plead his case. How much of a good guy he is and that he had a bad night at work. He works in the industry and she swears he won't be a problem. Marcus tried to explain what had happened and I signaled to him to just be quiet. After she realized that it all was falling on deaf ears she walked off to meet back up with the guy.

After all was calm Marcus said to me, "Man, I didn't know what was going to happen. I was ready though."

"Listen, no one disrespects you. If someone wants to be vulgar with you over a little thing, then they're more than likely going to be a problem later inside. If you stop it here then you don't have to worry about it later."

"Well yea, I mean you just kind of stepped in and I didn't know..."

"I stepped in because it was taking too much time. You are the doorman. You own this doorway. No one goes inside without your approval. Quit being passive and be firm. Treat these people like they're children if you have to but always be respectful until they don't deserve it."

"Ok, I'm still getting used to how things are done here."

"It's understandable. Just try to learn quick."

Now the question I ask myself after working with him a few nights. Am I setting this guy up for a fall or did I choose him just to let the powers that be, know what they might be losing if I leave.

On a different note. The guy that was involved in this has been back a few times. Each time he walks up now he hands me his i.d. and respectfully calls me sir. I hate being called sir and have told him to just call me Mike. All's well.

Friday, April 04, 2008

2012??

So I jumped on the site today and realized that it's been a while since I last put up a post. Then I noticed the site count. The count since September of 2007 is 2112. The count since I originally posted the site back in 2005 is right under that at 4640. That's a pretty significant increase, a little less than half of the total traffic has happened in less than 8 months.

Then I noticed the number 2112 again. It made me start thinking of the number 2012 and then my mind skipped over to Nostradamus and his prediction of the world coming to an end in the year 2012. Then I looked over and noticed the tv was on. I sat and stared at it blankly for a few minutes. Then I wondered when and why they actually made a movie version of the tv show Miami Vice. Really?

If you can't tell by my ramblings I've been out of focus lately. There's more news to come based off the On the Outs post I put up back in February. I won't go into detail as to whether it's good or bad news just yet. You'll find out in good time. I may or may not have to find a new title for the blog.

Until then I will put forth a conscious effort to keep updating on a regular basis. Even though it's only been a little over a week, it feels like it's been months since I've been on here.

The weather's getting nicer out which means there will be even more drunks out and about. When the weather's nice people go out earlier to get their 'stupid' on. Which I guess is a good thing. I like to call it job security. As long as there are stupid people getting drunk I'll always have a job. What other jobs have that kind of security?

Until next time.

Be safe.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Kids...

Maybe it's because of how I was raised. Maybe it's because I grew up with people almost 10 years older than me in my "formidable years". Maybe it's because I'm blue collar and think that 1 job is all a person should really need. Maybe it's a self induced reality that believes people should be cordial and respectful and not fuck themselves up until they know what it is they are to be doing. Maybe it's just because I'm much older than I really am.

I've been thinking about all this a lot lately. Especially now that it's a few months into the new year and all the fake i.d.'s are being passed on to the younger crowd. A crowd that we get and I gladly take fakes away from.

I look at these kids and wonder a lot. I call them kids because children is a bigger word and they wouldn't understand that. But to me, that's what they are. They're kids. The 21 year olds now seem more and more like 15 year olds. They're just not smart in the way of the public. Maybe this is the generation that will end us all.

They're 21 years old and they're walking around with tattoos covering them. They range from full sleeves on their arms and even some have tattoos on their necks and faces. Granted, I have tattoos myself but I knew where I was going to be in life before I got any that were visible. These kids haven't even gotten out of college yet. Good luck using that degree and getting that high paying job.

Corporations still look down on people for having tattoos even though it is still becoming more prominent. They'll gladly take the experienced over the freshly tattooed.

These kids also don't seem to understand that the world doesn't revolve around them. This could be due to the idiocracy called parenting these days. Where the children don't get punished for doing stupid things. Which can go back to the idiocracy of government, where they say by spanking your child your abusing them.

Better yet, don't reprimand your children. Wait until they're old enough and let them loose on society. Some one will get tired of their shit and beat the crap out of them. Then, after they heal, they can feel sorry for themselves and resentment towards the world. Next thing ya know, they're taking semi-automatic weapons onto college campus's and killing people that have laughed at them.

If they have boundaries and punishment to begin with, they'll have boundaries in the end.

This new generation is what will become the downfall. They don't care. They just do what ever crosses their minds. They're dirty, they smell, they think they're the best.

They make me sick. In my corner of the world, they're not welcome.

Friday, March 21, 2008

200.

And there they stood. The few against the many. They knew that they did right and that's all they cared to know. The General was not there to lead them but they did it the way they knew how.

After all these years, Welcome to post #200. I know it took a while to get here but it's here.

A few years ago I was working in a concert venue. It was a slightly busy night and I was fairly new to the staff. Being the new guy I got the crap position. Well, they called it the crap position, to me it was the best seat in the house. It was the spot near the stage.

I thought it was the best spot because I got to see the show. I also got to be the one staff member to control the mosh pits and idiots. When I say one staff member I mean one staff member. I was the only person in the middle of a pit unless it got really sloppy. Which was one of the best feelings at the time.

I would step out into the pit and let it go. As soon as anyone touched me they got thrown out quickly. It usually entailed throwing them into a choke hold and dragging them behind me. If they're friend wanted to say anything or try to stop me then they would go under the other arm.

On one particular night there was a bigger problem. The band on stage brought up a friend from the crowd to help perform a song. As I watched the band pull him up from the front of the stage I had a feeling it was going to be a problem. The friend was very drunk.

After a few verses he was starting to jump around on stage and lose his balance. Next thing you know he trips and he gets caught by the audience. They push him back up and I walk out into the crowd. As I turn to look around I catch a glimpse of him running towards the front of the stage.

He stage dives.

No one catches him.

So I do what I believe is right. I grab him, make sure he's awake and check him out. He's fine. So I hook him under the arm pit and brace his forearm and I start walking him to the back door. Yes, I'm throwing him out for the night.

From behind me someone grabs my shirt. They start pulling me back. Then I feel another set of hands grab my other shoulder. I start to get pulled down. I step backwards and swing my open arm back, hoping that my elbow will make contact with who ever is pulling on me. It didn't and I lost balance. The drunk idiot and I both go down.

The two men that pulled me back started helping their friend get back up. Then the calvary arrived. Two former employees came out of the crowd and grabbed the guys that pulled me down. I once again grabbed the drunk idiot. As we started ushering the three out, more of their friends came out of the crowd. As more of them came out, more of us came out. Security, bartenders, barbacks, and even the sound guys all came running.

Next thing you know it was 12 -15 people all wrestling each other for control. Punches were thrown, police were called and people were arrested. The band even stopped playing during it all.

Half an hour before it all started the Head Doorman, TD, had gone home early because it was a mediocre night. He didn't think anything was going to happen. The next day when TD and I worked together he complimented me on a job well done. He also said that he wouldn't be going home too early on any more shifts that I worked.

Later down the road, I'd find out that those men were the security staff from a different venue. I also found out that they were all fired from their venue. The owner of that venue found out about the incident and didn't care for how they represented him.

It was my second shift at this venue. It proved to be one of the funnest venues I've worked at so far.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Fake I.D IV: My Mom...

"Why do you need another form of i.d.? That's me..."

"I just need to verify that it's you. You have anything else in your wallet that has your name and maybe a picture on it?"

The girl closes her wallet, "No, I only carry my i.d. and cash."

"Really? Who's credit cards are those?"

"My Mom's...."

"All four of those are your mothers?"

"Yea, she doesn't want me to ever be in a bind."

"Well, tell your mother that you need to buy a new fake then." I put the i.d. in my pocket.

"You can't take that, my Mom's a lawyer. She told me you can't take away any type of i.d. from anyone."

"Really? Even if your fraudulently impersonating another person or carrying an altered form of government identification?"

"That's what she told me. So you have to give that back or I'll call the police."

"Feel free to call honey, I'm not the one looking at jail time."

She stood there leaning on one leg and the other leg was tapping it's foot as she held her phone up to her ear. It was as if she was waiting for me to cave in to her bluff. Then a squad car drives by and I flag them down with my flashlight. As the car pulls over the girl slowly turns to walk away.

"Hey, don't leave yet. The cops are here now. Don't you want your i.d. back?"

The two officers walk up. "What's the problem?"

"This young lady was just going to call in to the station. She has a few questions about why she can't have her fake i.d. back."

"Let's see it." The officers look at the i.d. and walk over to the girl. I don't really listen in to their conversation because I've heard it all before. Until I hear the one officer say to her, "Listen lady, if you want to make a big deal out of this we can arrest you and prosecute you in a federal court. This is possession of a forged federal document. You could go to prison for five years for this, it's called fraud. So how bout we drop it and you go home."

The girl started crying and the tried to plead with the officer but he wouldn't have anything to do with it. He turned and walked over and handed the i.d. back to me. He rolled his eyes and patted me on the shoulder. In a low voice he commented, "I don't know how you deal with this crap," then walked back to the car.

Before the officers even got into their car, the girl came back up to me. The first officer stopped and yelled over to the girl, "Miss. Don't even bother this man again. We will gladly take you in for this. Start walking away." Then he stood next to his car as the girl turned and started walking down the street.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Search Terms II: How to get into a Bar...

Trying to get into a club but your underage? Read on and see some tips.


It's funny to think of the amount of people that come to this site looking for tips on how to get into a bar with an expired i.d. To think that there's some 18 - 19 year old sitting at home trying to get that kind of advice from a search engine. Even better that they get sent here.

Now I'll never say that I'm 100%. I can honestly say that I've never done anything to the point that I can say that I'm never wrong. In fact, I'd even say that I'm sure there are some i.d.'s that get past me. I don't have the best equipment to catch everyone but I do try my best.

So here's a little run down for all you little ones trying to get in to the clubs.

First off, realize why we don't want you in the establishment. Realize that not only can the doormen lose their jobs because you made it in but every person working in that establishment could possibly lose their job for a week or up to a month. This all depends on where you are, each state has different repercussions for allowing underage kids in. So if you get caught inside an establishment by a law officer, not only can you get a Felony but the establishment gets fined and possibly closed down. Which could mean that there are 20 - 100 or more people without work. No work means no money which means no providing for themselves or possibly their families. So because your dumb ass wants to go where the big kids are we get thrown back to the poverty lines.

Let's go back to the term Felony. A lot of kids that I've taken i.d.'s away from don't realize the extent of trouble they could get into. By handing me an i.d. that isn't you, your representing that your a different person. Your fraudulently representing yourself. By doing this your committing an act of Fraud. Fraud is a felony.

Showing a real i.d. and acting as if it's you can land you in Federal Prison for a few years. It's highly doubtful that this will happen. What could happen is that you are put on probation and you still get the Felony charge.

Let's realize what a Felony charge does to your future employment possibilities. With a Felony you can not get a job as a gas station cashier. In fact, you can't get a job anywhere that deals with money. There are a lot of jobs that you won't be able to get because of the Felony. If you've ever filled out an application for a job you'll see where they ask if you have a felony. If you say yes then you have to explain why. Imagine explaining that you got a felony because you just couldn't wait to go to a club to drink. If you answer no to the felony question and they do a background check and find out you do have one, you'll be fired from that job immediately.

Showing a fake or rendered i.d. is an act of fraud against the government. Your tampering with an official document. If your the possessor they'll more than likely do the same as I mentioned above. If your the creator your definitely looking at time in a federal prison.

Keep this in mind when your showing a fake or rendered i.d. Your producing an official document, if it's not real or changed then your producing a fake i.d. that could be viewed as an act of fraud. Which puts you in the same list as people that steal identities. These people are scam artists and literally steal thousands of dollars from unknowing people.

Feel free to read over some of these articles.

1-30-2008 - BALTIMORE DEFENDANT SENTENCED IN SCHEME TO PRODUCE FAKE IDENTITY DOCUMENTS, BANK FRAUD AND IDENTITY THEFT

8-9-2007 - GUILTY IN U.S. FEDERAL COURT

11-27-2007 - INDIANA MAN SENTENCED POSSESSING/DISTRIBUTING FALSE IDENTIFICATION DOCUMENTS

9-15-2006 - CALIFORNIA MAN SENTENCED TO FOUR YEARS IN PRISON FOR AGGRAVATED IDENTITY THEFT


Many more articles of different degrees.

So you might want to double think the possibilities that could happen when you fraudulently represent yourself, especially these days. With the 'terrorist threat' that is high any fake i.d. could be a possibility to make an example out of you.

Of course, when your young and stupid you don't think of the things that could happen. Unless those things are fun.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Fake I.D. III: Delivery Driver...

"You want me to lose my job!?"

"Your not going to lose your job over a fake i.d."

"It's not fake! That's my name. See, it's on my credit cards too!"

"This is fake. You want it back? Go get the cops."

His friend speaks, "Man, I know this kid. We moved here together from Alabama. All southern i.d.'s are laminated."

"Your not helping your friend," the confiscated i.d. was from Tennessee, "How bout you be quiet."

"Man, I'm a delivery driver. I'll lose my job if you take that away!"

"Listen, your not a delivery driver. Your too small and not smart enough. Plus, you smell like crap and your riding an old ass 10 speed bicycle. What you gonna deliver on that?"

"I deliver pizzas."

"Well, bring me a pizza tomorrow and I'll give this back to you."

"Man, fuck you."

"Now your definitely not gettin it back."

"Come on man.. I'm sorry, can I just get it back? I swear I'll never come here again."

"Admitting defeat?"

"Yea...."

"Dumbass, get the fuck outta here."

The i.d. goes in my back pocket and the kid stands outside.

The license was fake on many levels. No UV ink, no signature, bad picture, pressed paper instead of plastic, and it wasn't even a CDL (commercial driver's license) that a delivery driver has to have.

If your going to invest in a fake i.d. then make sure it looks like the real thing.

Or just wait until your 21. There's really nothing special about going to bars or clubs anyways.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Disposition of Servitude (Work Ethics)...

One of the hardest things to adjust to is everyone else's work habits. Some people have the ability to work and do it right all the time. They know the game and they stick to it. Some people have the ability to just get by. They know the game and do just enough to stay around.

In the nightlife you'll find both types of people. Which at times makes it interesting to listen to everyone complain. This person doesn't wash their dishes, this person didn't check those people's i.d.'s or many other things. I get to hear about it all as if I have some mystical power to change the way people are.

Granted, everyone gets burnt out on their job at some point. It's bound to happen after you've done the same job for years. That's why I usually have a time limit on jobs. I work long enough doing something and either I move on to a different position or I move on to a different job. That's just how I work things. After a certain age you either have to get your shit together and save for the future or be prepared to die at some job that you don't like.

Even though I might get burnt out on a job it doesn't give me the ability to let myself go. I don't like being fired from jobs. So I keep doing it until I find something new or better. I don't decide that it's cool for me to break the rules and smoke weed at work, or just decide not to go to work. People depend on me to be there and do my job so that's what I do until I don't need to.

On the other side, a lot of people take jobs in the nightlife because it seems fun. People are drinking, having fun and doing all kinds of weird shit. You get the opportunity to meet lots of different people. If you partake in drugs then your guaranteed to meet even more people of the same kind. Yes, I said it, there are a lot of drug users that work in clubs and bars. Have you ever heard of a club or bar that makes their employees do random drug tests? If you have let me know where this place is. I might just apply.

There are a lot of slackers that work in the industry too. People that don't want to punch a time card and want to show up when they want to. They won't get in trouble for being 20 minutes late or not being the nicest person in the world. It's an easy job and you make easy money. Plus, there's not a lot of actual work involved. By that I mean your not going to be lugging around 100lbs of weight all the time or trying to sell enough merch to make good commissions. You sell booze, everyone that walks in the door wants it.

Which reminds me of an ad I saw in the classifieds once for a job.

Everyone buys it. It's only a matter of time. High Commission Sales Position xxx-xxx-xxxx

I actually called about this ad. I figured if everyone bought it then it'd be an easy job. There's no way I'd ever work in a funeral home though. That's just having work and death too close to each other.

So getting used to the different aspects of work is something I've had to deal with. There are only a few people here that I'd deem as slackers. Those are the ones that are getting on my nerves. I'm learning how to deal with those nerves.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

7 Deadly Sins - Remixed.

If you haven't heard yet, there's some new sins to look out for. That's right. Pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed and sloth... You have company.

Pollution, Drugs, Social Inequality, and Genetic Manipulation have now reached the level of Deadly Sin.

I understand that with time some things need to be revised, some things other than religion. I mean honestly, if your religion is based on a 2,008 year old story then how can you change it if it's supposed to be true? Unless you just want to add on new chapters here and there.

Granted, the primary character of any religion is supposedly a constant in every day life. So I guess it could lay down some new ground rules every once in a while. That is if it actually was here and could speak to everyone or at least one person. But then wouldn't everyone think that one person is crazy? Or maybe everyone would be envious of that person for being able to talk to that character. Oh wait, that's a sin...

So to all the ladies and gentlemen that have every had any type of cosmetic surgery guess what? Your going to hell. Any woman that has ever used birth control, your going to hell. Any person that has ever partook in drugs, your going to hell. If you have a business and thus made your life better than your neighbors, your going to hell. If you've ever thrown a cigarette or any type of trash, no matter the size, out of the window of your car, your going to hell.

It kind of makes me wonder. Is there a cushion period here? I mean since these are new Sins do you get a trial time period? Do any of your actions before now count? Cause just yesterday I worked a full day of work and made more money than the bartender. I also threw a cigarette but out the window. I even took a shower with age defying soap (not really but I hope you get the point). That's three of the new sins in just one day! I'm fucked!!

With all these new rules I have a good feeling that everyone will be going to hell pretty damn quick. And we all know what happens when Hell is full. When Hell fills up, the dead will walk the Earth. Which then brings up the whole Zombie subject. Will they be illegal aliens? Will they get equal pay? There will be a whole new set of problems. I just can't wait...

Feel free to check out some of the other articles that I've found.

Eagle Tribune
Times Online
Chicago Tribune
NY Times
The Daily Green

Friday, March 07, 2008

The Grape Ladey Cometh...

I saw this a little while back and re-visited it recently. The first video is pretty funny. The second one is hilarious! You have to watch the first to get the second.

Enjoy.

The Grape Lady



The Grape Lady Music Video



I think the second video might actually make it to some dj's set some night. It'd give me a little smile through the night.


-Be Safe.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

No man's land...

"You see that cougar down there?"

"The one in green or the one in blue?"

"The green... get her out of here."

It was guaranteed that someone did something stupid when Billy wanted someone out of the bar. "What'd she do?"

"Man, I was standing half way down the bar and she walked up behind me and grabbed me."

"She was behind the bar?"

"Yea man, get her out of here."

Any person that has been in a bar more than once knows you don't go behind it. It's pretty much common sense to everyone. Would you go behind the counter at a McDonald's and make your own burger?

So I walked over to the older lady and stopped next to her. "It's time to go hun."

"What?"

"Get your shit and let's head out."

"What'd I do?"

"You know better than to go behind the bar."

This woman was in her mid to late 40s. I already had it on the tip of my tongue just waiting for her to say something. She looked up at me from her barstool. "I didn't know I couldn't go back there..."

"Your going to tell me, that in your 40 some years you never pieced together that you can't go behind the bar?"

"Well, we were all joking around..."

"So if you joke around with your bank teller you can go behind the counter at your bank?"

"Well.. no.. but.."

"Get your shit and lets go. I'm done with this."

She sat there looking at her friend with a surprised look on her face.

I guess I was having an off night. After she didn't move I reached down and grabbed her purse, "Come on. Let's go."

"You don't have to be rude," she got up and started to put on her coat, "I'm leaving. See?"

"Not fast enough."

It was relatively painless as she left. Her friends even left right after that and apologized for her. I only accept the apologizes to get them away from me. After they're all gone Billy comes back over.

"Hey man, sorry about that. She was just getting more annoying as time went. Just glad she finally fucked up. It's hard to ignore people when they're right there."

"No problem bud, that's what I'm here for."

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Stories...

Every neighborhood has a hierarchy when it comes to the industry, it's a strange, if not quirky, thing. It has a lot to do with how many years a person has worked in the neighborhood, what bar or club they work at, how long they've worked there, and how much trouble they've been in or stopped. How ever you look at it, it all depends on the stories.

I learned a long time ago to not believe stories I've heard. Half the time I don't believe what I see unless I see it plain as day. Every head doorman at every bar got that job for a reason. Usually the reason is just because he stuck around long enough that everyone else quit. Very rarely will you ever hear about someone walking into a place and beating the shit out of a doorman and then getting his job. In fact, I'd say that's nothing more than an urban legend, it just doesn't happen. Sure, doormen get beat up occasionally, if they don't know what their job is or they're not paying attention. Which can be a good reason to find a new doorman.

The hierarchy is a funny thing. It matters to a lot of the old school guys. Guys that were around when all the real shit always used to hit the fan. When knives and guns were a common thing to see in these places. A lot of the new kids don't know much about the hierarchy. They think that just because they work somewhere they should get the same perks as everyone else they work with. It just doesn't happen that way.

The hierarchy is much more than just where you work or who you work with. It's also about the time you've spent doing this work and the many things you've been through. Which brings me back to why I don't believe the stories. I've heard stories about myself that included 4 guys against just me. Not just any guys but big muscle head guys and guys with knives. I can say right now that I've never had either of those fights. I have had a knife pulled on me but never more than one.

It's like playing the game Telephone when you were a kid. By the time you hear the tale it's so misconstrued that you'd think the guy was a giant with a cannon under his arm. In reality it was just some loud mouthed guy that didn't want to leave after he puked in the bathroom.

So I usually stick with people I know and how long they've been around. Certain people I'll help out with anything they need. The ones that I don't know, I don't do anything for until I decide they're worth doing things for.

Casper is always a good one to hear talking. He's been everywhere and seen everything... while sitting on his couch. He hasn't traveled anywhere but if you'll listen he'll tell you all about it. He'll even tell you how he had my back on quite a few fights. Of course, his version of 'having someone's back' is completely different than mine. His includes standing at the other end of the establishment and talking to a woman. Mine would be pulling someone off your back and going to the next. So I don't tend to believe stories about people.

There aren't many Pecos Bills or Paul Bunyans left in the world. There are a few Mike Ds in every neighborhood though. Just depends on where you look.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

On the outs...

"Your killin me here..." Paulie's elbows rest on the desk while his head rests in his hands.

"I'm just tired man."

"Tired? Of what?"

"The life. Nothing changes. It's constantly the same shit every night."

"Every job gets that way."

"Not like this. It's the same faces day in and out. The same problems that won't change."

"What can we do to change this?"

"I've made suggestions. You know they're good ones. The owners just don't want to do any of it."

"Listen, give me some time, I'll talk to them and see what I can do to keep you around."

"I think your words will just fall on silent ears."

"Let's take that chance."

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Search Terms: Why not to Date your Doorman...

Every once in a while I like to look and see what some of the search terms people use to find this site. There's a lot of them that find this site from terms like "shaved head", "skin head", "how to tip the doorman", and "how to become a bouncer".

The interesting one that I recently found was "Why not to date your doorman".

This actually brought a smile to me. Someone actually went on Google and searched reasons why they shouldn't date a doorman. Now, the term doorman could mean the type of doorman that works at a high rise type of building also. More people associate the term doorman with that type of job than they do a bouncer. I prefer the term doorman because I'm not a bruiser or gorilla.

So let's explore this a little more.

Why shouldn't you date a doorman? I guess it's up to you really. There are a few factors to consider though.

Let's say you do hook up with your doorman at your favorite bar or club.
  • Will that change things?
  • Will it make things hard for him to do his job?
  • Will it make your time there different?
  • If you start dating will you want to hang all over him while he's trying to do his job?
  • If things turn to the worse will you not go there anymore?
  • What if he's really a jerk?
  • What if he doesn't "party" like you do?
  • What if you just don't get along?
These might be strange things to think about but they've been some things that have come up. For instance, Late Night Rendezvous hasn't been seen since that night. Extra Fun Tips has been back but certain "tips" have been found and she no longer can come around. Sueann came back, she talked a little too much crap and she's not returning either.

As a doorman there are things I think about as well. I take it a little more to the extreme than most though.
  • Is this girl a regular?
  • Does she spend lots of money?
  • How many other employees has she been with?
  • Is she a nut job?
  • Is it worth anything?
  • Does she bring in business?
  • Do I want to know more personal things about her?
Basically, I don't care about what these girls might say about me. The people that know me or need to know me.... know Me. The entire population can think what they want but they don't matter.

I guess what I'm getting at is that you should think more about the long term factors. The less the security staff knows about you the better. When things are found out they're easier to find.

I've never been that doorman that goes for the free round of sex or the blow job in the alley to let you in. I tend to have a little more integrity I guess. That might mean that I don't get to "dish" out the dirt on certain beautiful women but I'm happy about that. The less I know the longer people tend to stick around.

Granted, there is always that flaw in any design. I obviously can't say that I've never taken anyone up on their offers. I'm just more discreet about it. I don't believe that everyone needs to know everything that's going on. The less people know about me the easier my job is.

If I did take up more of these offers life would be more crazy. Then again, I've seen enough crazy for now.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Late Night Rendezvous...

"So what are you doing after you leave here?"

"Probly heading home."

"You should stop over." She smiled and gave me a little wink from the bright blue eyes that were hiding behind her mop of a haircut. Sally had become a bit of a regular as of late and I've kept the weirdos away from her on a number of times.

"Having a little get together?"

"No, just a couple of people. We'll probably just be sitting around watching movies."

"We'll see, I'm not sure when I'll get out of here."

"Here, take my number. Call me when your leaving and I'll let you know where I am." She smiled and I took her number. Then she walked out with a little over the shoulder smile and a coy wave.


45 minutes later I was done with the things I needed to do. I contemplated whether or not I really wanted to call her. Next sound I heard was Sally's voice on the other end of the line. It sounded triumphant and happy. "So, your gonna come over?"

"Yea, why not. I'll be up late anyways."

"Cool, we'll my address is _______________. It's right over by that old little mom an pop grocery store."

"Ok, I'll be over in a little bit. Lot of people show up?"

"Nah, just my two friends and a couple guys that I don't even know."


25 minutes later I'm knocking on her door. She answers still in the same clothes she had on before. Of course she is, what should she have changed into? We said our hellos, hugged and I walked in.

The apartment was a really nice spot. It had an old building feel and a new building look. In the kitchen stood the two guys that she didn't know. Both in their mid to late 30's and neither of them looked like the could even try to be trouble or their corporate mid level jobs would get rid of them.

We both walk into the kitchen and I introduce myself to the two guys. One recognizes me and the other goes on about how I had thrown him out a year prior. He laughed about the story and I stood there. I remember him after he told the story. I remember even more, how annoying he was.

As I stood there talking to the guys Sally walked off to the bathroom. I could hear her talking to her friends. I could also hear another noise. I sniffing type of noise. Someone was either sick or party favors were being distributed.

"I don't think he'll be interested."

"You never know until you ask."

"I'm not asking him."

About that time a short little portly girl came walking out to the kitchen. As she came walking out she motioned to the bathroom and said, "Party's ready boys." She stopped, wiped her nose and looked at me. "Interested?"

I looked at her and with a blank face simply said, "Not at all."

As the guys walked towards the bathroom I could hear the sniffing continue and Sally walked out. Her hand was coming down from her face and she walked over to me and pushed her friend to the side. "Sorry about her, she's a little different." They giggled and play fought a little.

Sally reached over and grabbed my hand, "So what are you doing?" She looked at me with wide eyes and a grin.

"I was just thinking that I should be going."

With that I grabbed my stuff and started out the door.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

More History and a Response...

This post is a response to "Anonymous" comment to the Expired I.D. II post.

I've worked in several places where the owners or managers have not had my back. They've ok'ed several underage people and people without i.d.'s or with horribly fake i.d.'s. I hated these jobs.

Why? Because I get hired due to my experience and the type of job I have done at other places. I don't get paid to turn my eyes and let shit happen. Guess what? Who's going to get fired if that establishment gets fined or closed down because of these things. The doorman that let them in.

Now it might be different if you have some kind of contract with the place you work at. Or if there are numerous guys at the door then you can probably pawn the blame off on someone else, then live with the fact that you got someone fired for something you did.

I have a different way of looking at things.

If for what ever reason I decide I've had enough of a job or I'm let go for something, I don't care. I walk. I know I can find another job within a month. Sure, it might knock me back financially but if you've never lived like that before then you've never lived.

I have had meetings with owners and management before on this topic. I've told them straight out that this kind of shit doesn't happen or I walk.

I explain that no one should waste anyone's time. I do things my way or not at all.

I can understand letting a few things go if the people are actual friends of management or if the person is obviously of age. But when little Sally comes walking up and she looks all of 15 years old she doesn't come in. Not even if it's management. And I'll tell them right there and then that they can have fun doing my job until they hire someone else because I'll walk.

Now some people might think I'm crazy. In fact, I do myself at times, but this isn't just a part time job so I can have some extra cash. This is a full time job and it's getting very close to being a career. When it's a career type of situation it's more about your track record than it is about having the extra dough to get a PS3 or paying rent.

I live by standards and morals and that's reflected by my work. This is why I have a strict no drinking policy for myself and the other staff. How can the drunk police the drunk?

I can say that I've caused business to go down at certain places I've worked. That's happened due to the piss poor job the doorstaff before me did. So I had to take away a lot of fake i.d.'s, refuse a lot of drunks and ban a lot of previous regulars for selling or doing drugs in the bar.

So a bar can definitely change a lot just due to a new doorstaff. But bars change every few years due to many other things as well.

As for the interaction with the cops, it's much different here. The cops understand that it's our license on the line, they understand the amount of situations I've been through, they know I'm always sober, and I know a lot of them. They also understand that I have the right to refuse service to anyone at any time for any reason. So they always have my back.

Depending on what type of area you work in Anonymous you might want to be a little more vocal with the local police. Keep an eye for them and let them know about a few things here an there. Make friends with them. Even offer them bottled water or a Red Bull from time to time. Being friendly will get their attention and it will open their eyes up a little more to the type of person you are and the type of work you do.

You might want to keep up to date on new procedures that effect them. Talk to them and ask them their opinions. Tell them stories about situations that have been handled without their necessity. If they know your doing things in a way that they don't need to be there for they'll see how much less of a work load they have due to you. When they feel like they're on a common ground they'll respect you more.

So here's what I would do in your situation. Take it with a grain of salt since your not me and I don't know the type of relationship you have with your club's owners and management.

In other words, don't try and blame me if you do any of this and it doesn't work. Your responsible for your own actions.

You can go to the owner and tell him that the door is yours. The decisions you make are final and that's how it is. If that's not acceptable then your walking. However, don't say these things unless your ready to walk. If you don't walk when you say you will the owner will know your full of shit and need the job.

If this is just a part time job for you then let the shit happen. You don't have to put all your jobs down on a resume. If you get fired, you get fired. No biggy, you can still rely on your full time job. I don't know how things work where you are but it should end up costing the owners even more than the amount of money they make off the underage by letting it happen, if they ever get busted.

Do with this as you want. It's only my opinion.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Nice vs Not So Nice...

Within the past few years I learned what it means to dislike people. In the beginning I hated the world. Then over the years my old self has slowly started to resurface. Let's say the softer side is starting to come back to the battleground. Which isn't always a good thing in this line of work.

You don't want to be soft but you do in certain situations. You can't be an asshole all the time, just at the times you need to.

Over the past month I've been punched, tackled and insulted in many ways. (I'll post these stories in time) Most of which have happened because I was being soft and polite. Strange that people are such assholes. If I had been rude and forceful it more than likely wouldn't have happened.

Time wears a person down and after being an asshole long enough I was getting tired of it. So I decided to be a little nicer. Of course that paid off well... Luckily, no stitches, guns or knives involved as of yet.

There are a few other things I'm trying to change as well that have nothing to do with work. I'm going to try and get back to a gym. It's been a long time since I've been in a gym at all. I've always had that second labor induced job to keep me fit. I haven't had that in a while so it's time to get one or get to a gym. I'd rather have the second job so at least I'm getting paid to bust my ass and not paying for it. Especially since I'm the type to use a personal trainer. Yea, I'm that lazy.

I've never been a fan of working out or going to a gym. I also don't have a clue as to what to do or which machines to use. I never had to use that stuff even when playing football back in the day. I'm just a big country boy that has worked labor jobs his whole life.

So I think the second job option is the better one, once spring hits. Ahh.. back to shoveling ditches and tossing tons of weight all day. Part of me thinks it will actually be fun.

As for being nice to people. I'm done with that. It's back to being the asshole at the door. I'm not a fan of being punched or tackled and I don't want to waste anymore time going to court for people I've had arrested. The judges are starting to know me by face.

A few of the cops have even joked that I should get a badge. Maybe in the future, but not right now. I like dealing with the problems of a confined area rather than an entire town. Besides, most of the cops wish they were me. Since things can happen here and not there. Legalities...

Ok, I'll be back soon with more posts. Until then...

Be Safe.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Expired I.D. II: Passport...

"Whadda ya mean I can't come in? That's a passport!"

"I know it's a passport. It's expired by a year. Which means it's no good."

"I just got back from Canada with it."

"I doubt it. You have any other i.d.'s?"

"I don't need anything else, this is my passport."

"You do if your coming in here. Have a good night."

Whether you have a passport or any other kind of i.d. it has to be valid. Any i.d. that is expired is no good. It doesn't matter if it's a Driver's License, State I.D. or a Passport. It has to be valid and it has to be you.

Recently I've been getting a lot of expired passports. People hand them off to younger siblings because they don't need them and can't use them anymore, which is a Federal Offense.

"I bet a cop would say that I could get in."

"Would you like to ask one? There's one right there." I point to a squad car sitting at the corner. "Just remember, it's jail time in a Federal prison if they really want to be dicks."

So the kid goes over to the squad and talks to the cops. Next thing, they walk over to me and ask why I wouldn't let the guy in with his passport.

"Well, the passport expired over a year ago and I don't think it belongs to him."

The cop still had the passport in his hand and started to look closer to the picture. "Where'd you get this passport kid?"

"What? That's me, that's my passport!"

"You have any other i.d. with you to prove that statement?" The second cop started walking behind the kid.

"No, I don't have anything else with me. I got mugged a couple weeks ago and that's all I got."

"Well, if you don't have anything else with you then we'll have to take ya to the station to make sure this is you."

"What!?"

"Yea, and if it's not you then it's off to jail with ya. You understand this right?"

"But.. all I wanted was to have a drink?"

The cop points over at me, "And all this guy is doing is his job. I'll give you a chance, if this isn't you and you admit it now, we'll let you go here and now. If it is you then you have no reason to not go with us."

The kid stood there, it looked like he was actually thinking over the options. Freedom or Jail. Big decision...

"Can I just go home?"

"Sure thing," the cop started to turn and nodded at me, "We'll see ya later Mike."

After the cops left the kid stood there for a few more minutes. Finally he spoke. "Why'd you have to be such a dick?"

"Kid, your the one that took it too far. I said no, you got the cops and had your passport taken. Learn when to drop things."

"Fuck you," the kid walked off.